LA Football Fans Abduct Jack Nicholson, Demand NFL Franchise Within Five Years
86% of LA Residents Unaware City Lacks Pro Football Team; 67% Give Nicholson’s Latest Movie, “The Bucket List,” Big Thumbs Up
Heeere's Jack! Though an LA-based NFL team is nowhere on the horizon. Captors release photo of Jack Nicholson re-enacting scene from "The Shining."
LOS ANGELES, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Los Angeles has been without an NFL franchise of its own since the Raiders moved back to Oakland and the Rams went to St. Louis in 1995. While the Rams played in (and around) LA for close to fifty years (they actually played in Anaheim from 1979-1994), their abrupt departure for St. Louis caused barely a ripple, underscoring what many have long believed: LA’s passive-aggressive culture (“thank you for your time, but we’re going to go ahead and take a pass”) does not lend itself to professional football. Yesterday’s abduction of actor and number one Lakers fan Jack Nicholson by a cadre of disenfranchised Rams fans, offered further proof of the city’s ambivalence, as the news prompted a reassessment not of LA football, but of Nicholson’s career, his recent acting choices, and widespread speculation on who will take his place at court side should negotiations between the LAPD, the NFL and his captors break down.
“I understand the desire to have a professional NFL franchise back in LA, despite the general ambivalence of the city’s fan base – I mean, what other team’s fans routinely leave with the game undecided and eight minutes to go in the fourth quarter?" said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "But as much as I admire Nicholson’s work, it’s long been the NFL’s policy not to negotiate with rabid fans, especially ones holding a gun to the head of a cherished screen icon.”
Former Rams quarterback – and one-time actor -- Roman Gabriel was called in to talk to the hostage-takers.
“Part of me sympathizes with them. While I don’t agree with their tactics, they’re passionate football fans – the kind you want to play for. Plus, to be totally honest, back in the day I read for parts in two Nicholson flicks, which I didn’t get. I’m not saying it’s Jack’s fault or that I’m holding a grudge…I hope he makes it, I do. But if they make a movie of this and I don’t get to at least play myself, I’ll be pissed.”
Jack Abbott, a forty-three year old LA native, summed up the general sentiment.
“Wow, I had no idea the Rams left in ’95. The Raiders don’t really count, they were just here to visit. But does anyone really care? Not really. More people attended a screening of “The Bucket List,” starring Jack and Morgan Freeman and scheduled to open nationwide January 11, than there are people who give a flying fuck whether or not we get an NFL team. Jack kills and you just hope and pray he’s released in time to do Good Morning America and the other scheduled stops along the publicity tour. This is one movie that deserves to be seen.”
Nicholson’s long-time pal Warren Beatty was concerned, but optimistic it will all turn out for the best. “I know exactly how Roman feels, having played a Rams quarterback in Heaven Can Wait. It did great box office nationwide, but not as well in LA – it’s just not a football town. But right now my thoughts are with Jack; if anyone can charm his way out of a hostage crisis, it’s Jack. I hear when they took food orders, Jack ordered a chicken salad sandwich and asked them to hold the mayo, lettuce and the chicken. The guys loved it. Not only did it break the tension, the lead hostage-taker is a striking comedy writer and asked Jack for a job.”
Laker’s owner Jerry Buss issued a statement pleading for Nicholson’s release and his “swift return to his court side seat as the Lakers’ number one fan.” According to reports, Buss is hedging his bets by reaching out to a younger generation of established stars – George Clooney, Don Cheadle, among others -- to assume Nicholson’s court side perch, should the crisis have an unhappy outcome.
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