1970’s Retro Night Goes Awry as Thousands Get Sick on Thirty Year Old Hotdogs
Gimme two – hold the vomit. Richard Weed of Shaker Heights, Ohio downed a couple of retro dogs with everything – and that’s exactly what came up in one of the most ill-conceived baseball retro nights in history.
CLEVELAND, OH. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A disappointing season in Cleveland turned worse as the Indians’ 1970’s retro promotion went sour resulting in thousands of fans being rushed to area hospitals. The team, in its attempt to recreate
1978 as authentically as possible, sold thirty-thousand hotdogs which were leftover in a massive freezer which was moved when the team vacated Municipal Stadium in 1994.
Assistant Promotions Director, Stanley Zapski found the wieners and thought because they were still frozen, he’d struck pay dirt – assuming they’d be safe for consumption. However, Zapski neglected to consider the multiple power outages over the years which resulted in thawing and refreezing as well as the actual shelf life of three months clearly stamped on each package.
“It was going to be a special night,” said Zapsky. “Larvell “Sugar Bear” Blanks and Johnny Grubb from the ’78 team were on hand. I wanted the hotdogs to be from that era as well.”
“I’m suing those bastards for every penny they have,” an outraged Carl Yurko screamed as he was wheeled from intensive care to a step down unit at the Cleveland Clinic. “That damn dog was so tainted they couldn’t even give me a Maalox, Donnatal, and viscous lidocaine cocktail. Instead they went into my lower intestine with a scalpel and removed the fuckin’ thing.” Yurko then paused a moment to reflect. “But it sure was nice seeing Sugar Bear Blanks again,” he said.
Richard Weed, a professional photographer and drummer from the area band
“Nietzsche’s Sphincter” was among the very first to get sick. Weed’s violent heaving signaled the first wave of what later became an unpredictable and dangerous current of upchuck.
Zapski, who was fired immediately after the game says he feels bad.
“I’m pretty broken up about this,” Zapsky lamented. “I never saw so many people sick at once. It was a veritable river of vomit and lake of diarrhea. Fortunately the tide was going out.”
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