Treasury Secretary to Relieve Knicks -- and NBA -- of "Toxic Asset"; Marbury to Become Highest Paid Government Worker in History
— Duncan Quirk (Special to TSD).
Before he was officially banished, Knicks brass tried keeping the toxic Marbury at a safe distance. Here he's pictured watching a team scrimmage from a neighboring gym.
NEW YORK (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) — In a press conference earlier today, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson unveiled his plan to buyout the toxic debt of the NBA's New York Knicks. In what Paulson described as "a revolutionary new approach to bolster the struggling economy," the United States government, under the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP), will buyout the contract of Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury.
The announcement came shortly after Marbury was indefinitely banished from the Knicks and their training facility. "Stephon is still one of the best point guards in the game, and is truly an asset on the court. However, his actions and the actions of the Knicks clearly show that he is a troubled asset, perfect for TARP," said Paulson. Sources say that money has already been set aside to buyout the rest of Marbury's contract.
Knicks President Donnie Walsh declined to go into the details of the deal, merely saying that, "the organization, the players involved, and the fans did everything they could to try to turn this thing around, but when it became apparent that the Marbury investment wasn't going to, we began to seek Federal help."
The buyout is estimated to cost the Fed close to $22 million, but Paulson remained optimistic explaining that the cost would be much greater if Marbury had an agent and that the ramifications of not propping up the New York Knicks in their time of need would be far greater. "We cannot allow the Knicks to fold under the weight of a toxic contract. During this recession, Americans will be less likely to spend their money on professional sports games, particularly as fans become increasingly fed up with player drama. The American sports industry itself is threatened," said Paulson. "With the Marbury buyout, not only do we acquire an All-Star point guard, but the Knicks and the NBA will have enough liquidity to continue to pay for advertising, spurring growth in other industries. We have already lost the ABA and the AFL, we can't afford to lose the NBA," he concluded.
Speculation remains as to how Marbury will best be used by the government. Analysts suggest that the government will take a stake in Marbury's "Starbury" line of athletic footwear. Other options include sending Marbury to Iraq or Afghanistan to teach and promote basketball in order to counter growing insurgent and al-Qaeda influence. Unconfirmed reports out of Washington state that Paulson's move to quickly secure Marbury came on behalf of the Republican Party who will use his star power and natural talent as the ultimate filibuster in the Legislature. However the government chooses to use its new star, experts agree that as the highest paid Federal employee of all time, expectations will be high and that Marbury will need to act quickly to please fans and voters.
Marbury has released the following statement, "I am very happy to be working for the government and to be able to finally move on with my life. I eagerly look forward to doing all that I can for my new team and meeting with incoming coach, Barack Obama."
A source within the Atlanta Falcons, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed reports that the football club has been in contact with the government in hopes that they will buyout the contract of jailed quarterback Michael Vick.
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