Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks
Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.
“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 72 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.”
Allen has had high level meetings with NBA Commissioner David Stern on how to strike any mention of the Knicks from all record books and return season tickets to every fan who ever existed.
“That’s the tough part,” said Allen. “Unfortunately, a Mr. Henry Needleman from Yonkers keeps insisting the team has a shot to make the playoffs this year. Unless everyone is in complete agreement, the Knicks will continue to exist – like the universe and certain sections of New Jersey.”
“I’m still trying to figure it all out,” said former Knicks great Patrick Ewing. “Is it that I’m not going to fictionally exist, or am I now all of a sudden exempt from filing tax returns?”
Other Knicks as well as longtime Knicks fans are curious too.
Angelo Gardenia, a Knicks fan since the 1960’s seems pleased with the possibility. “Yeah, naturally it’ll take a little time adjusting to simply forgetting those wonderful days from ’69 and ’73, but at least I can permanently wipe from my memory that lousy, stinking slob of a brother-in-law of mine who constantly dripped mustard all over his shirt every time he cheered Bernard King hitting a baseline jumper.”
"If Allen wants to play that game, cool," said former Knicks enforcer and noted film maven Charles Oakley. "I'll forget his last seven films ever existed, with the exception of Match Point, featuring a radiant Scarlett Johansson. Though I found Jonathan Rhys-Meyers completely unbelievable as a tennis pro."
“We don’t have to panic folks. It’s an experiment,” added Allen. “What we’re doing is taking method acting to the extreme, and making it method life. Naturally, we’re running into a larger budget here. If we run over cost, I’ll just do what I usually do – I’ll scrap the whole Knicks notion and write something that features an aging TV writer falling in love with a group of seventeen year old Catholic school girls dressed in plaid skirts and knee socks. The French love that kind of stuff.”
Relief pitcher Arthur Rhodes who endured ruthless treatment from the fans upon his jogs from the bullpen to the mound after blowing several key games throughout the season was one of the most vocal players on moving the fans out immediately. “I would have helped each and every one of them load up their moving vans and driven them to Cincy myself,” the veteran lefthander fumed. “You ever face Albert Pujols with the bases juiced and try nibbling at the corners? It’s like kissing a cobra. What do these people want? I‘d love to follow them to their jobs and boo their asses when they can‘t get the copier to work.”
Jimmy Borelli of South Philadelphia and the proprietor of Jimmy’s Hoagies has been a Phillies fan since 1966. Borelli said he was at a crossroads. “I guess I had the choice of staying here with the hoagie shop and try to educate those Ohio people how to properly order a sandwich, and that mayo is a real freekin’ no-no - or I could have sold the business and moved with the other fans and become a Reds supporter,” the son of Italian immigrants said. “So on this day I thank the Blessed Virgin Mary I don’t have to worry about that for at least three more years with a one year option.”
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