March 12th, 2013
All the World's a Cage. John Cage experiments with musical chairs.
NEW YORK (Special to TSD AfterDark) Leonard Phelps, 61, a renowned sculptor and architect, still enjoys a successful career, as well as spending time with his family, shuttling between his Manhattan penthouse apartment and Long Island weekend home. However, Phelps continues to battle nightmares from an incident that occurred fifty years ago in a 6th grade music class visited by composer and “chance” musician, John Cage, who was invited to participate in Mrs. Thelma Prescott’s musical chairs experiment.
Though Cage, who died in 1992, wrote hundreds of compositions in his long career, it is his 1952 piece entitled 4’33” (four minutes, thirty-three seconds) which consists of environmental sounds, amounting mostly to silence, which left Phelps and several other friends and classmates confused and horrified. Read the rest of this entry »
August 27th, 2012
There is a Reason - Turn, Turn, Turn. Well, there used to be a reason.
TALLAHASSEE, FL (Special to TSD) The Florida Department of Motor Vehicles has announced that it will require all dealerships to remove factory installed turn signals by February of 2015.
“We’ve found that 97.3% of Floridians don’t used turn signals anymore, and of that 97.3%, 46% don’t know what one is.” DMV spokesperson Lamar Hennings said. “In the spirit of the devil may care, laid back lifestyle here, we decided to take a ‘what the fuck?’ attitude and eliminate the use of signals. The hope is that this will give drivers the unencumbered freedom to text while driving, swerve across four lanes of traffic to make a last second exit, and slow down to a crawl and hold up traffic for miles just to check the welfare of a guy on the side of the road on his cell phone or a rogue honeydew melon that’s fallen off the back of a pickup truck.”
Most drivers are thrilled. Read the rest of this entry »
March 27th, 2012
It happens to nearly everyone at one time or another. Someone says you remind them of someone else. Perhaps it’s someone famous. In my case, as far back as high school I heard from several people how I reminded them of Dudley Moore. I bring this up because Moore passed away ten years ago today. Read the rest of this entry »
March 27th, 2012
Unger Pains. Randall's legendary performance in long lost Unger Games.
LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) Lost in a dank, dusty warehouse in Studio City, California, a 16mm film is being restored. It was found by a night watchman on March 8th and handed over to film historian, Alfred Keller. It is believed to be the only remaining copy of an episode of The Odd Couple that was never aired. Entitled, The Unger Games, the controversial episode depicted Felix Unger (played by the late Tony Randall) tormenting his roommate Oscar (played by veteran actor Jack Klugman) with a meatball hero sandwich after Oscar lost his wallet during a night of tomfoolery with his sports writer colleagues.
A hungry Oscar returns home to an empty refrigerator and unable to purchase food. Randall’s Felix character sees the opportunity to transform the sloppy, unkempt Oscar to a refined man of elegance and cleanliness. That’s where Randall’s epic performance kicks in, and a newly seen sinister side of Felix Unger is revealed to an unsuspecting audience. Read the rest of this entry »
February 20th, 2012
Load It Up! Taft liked his fried foods.
WASHINGTON DC (Special to TSD AfterDark) Republican William Howard Taft, the 27th President of the United States, was the heaviest president the nation has known. Weighing in at an estimated 350 pounds, the 6 foot tall Taft was a devotee of fried foods and is said to have loved hamburgers later in life. He temporarily abolished the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, using the money instead to purchase lard.
White House chef, Charles W. Latimer worked exclusively for Taft during and after his presidency, and over the course of three months perfected the William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger in 1924. No sitting president tried the sandwich, except for Bill Clinton. Read the rest of this entry »
February 10th, 2012
Note to Self: Don't finger sync Scriabin.
MOSCOW (Special to TSD AfterDark) In a page torn directly from the world of pop divadom, comes the bizarre saga of renowned concert pianist, Evgeny Zarafiants and his apparent near perfect finger syncing of Etude opus 42, no. 5 in C sharp minor by Alexander Scriabin. Read the rest of this entry »
January 31st, 2012
Con-Fusion? Not according to Ashleigh Carter. She's all about fusion.
ALLENTOWN, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) Ashleigh Carter, 15, of Allentown, Pennsylvania is confounding friends, family, psychiatrists, clergy and members of the media for what Tiger Beat Magazine® is calling “an unexpected, unprecedented and highly disturbing transformation into a world of staggering sophistication.”
“This just doesn’t happen to young girls, ever.” said Dr. Leonard Heinlein, leader of the psychiatric team studying Carter. “We’re at a complete loss as to why a young lady of fifteen would abandon a world of texting, poorly applied makeup, ending every sentence with a rising inflection and thinking everything that happened before 2005 is gay, then suddenly immerse herself into the harmonically enlightened, melodically challenging, polyrhythmic juggernaut that is fusion jazz. Why? We are just scratching the surface of the teenage female brain. The answers may be decades away.” Read the rest of this entry »
July 16th, 2011
I'll Have a Burger with a Side of Anguish Please. The fishing village depicted in the film, Arvid and Bengt.
STOCKHOLM (Special to TSD AfterDark) Burger King’s confounding promotional tie-in with the independent Swedish film, Arvid and Begnt, has fast food lovers scratching their heads.
The low budget drama by up and coming director Olaf Bergstrom, follows the lives of brothers Arvid and Bengt Nykvist as they come to grips with why they’re the only people in their small fishing village who view life in black and white, while everyone else sees in color. Eventually the brothers are overcome by madness and are forced to devour their own organs as dancing demons celebrate their free fall into a hellish abyss.
“That’s some fucked up shit,” said Darnell Overbrook of Chester, Pennsylvania, who recently acquired the third in a series of five glasses depicting scenes from the film. “I got the one where Arvid pulls out his own eye while a diminutive clown laughs in the background.” Read the rest of this entry »
July 16th, 2011
Great Scot! Well, not exactly. Queen watches as one beheading is horribly botched.
LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) In a horrifying return to days of yore, Queen Elizabeth ordered the beheadings of ten ordinary Londoners during the annual “Roll Back the Clock” day, traditionally held during the third Saturday in July.
“What a bloody mess that was,” said Lawrence Donaldson, who witnessed three of his neighbors yanked from their homes and forced into the guillotine. “It was a scene more out of Henry VIII than Elizabeth II. Quite frankly, it put a little damper on the picnic we planned on taking at Beachy Head this afternoon.”
A cluster of ten of the queen’s subjects were randomly selected for the beheadings in what the royal family described simply as “a fond remembrance of the shits and giggles from the good old days.” Read the rest of this entry »