Teen Girl Stuns World By Admitting to Having Tons of Fusion Jazz on Ipod
January 31st, 2012
Con-Fusion? Not according to Ashleigh Carter. She's all about fusion.
ALLENTOWN, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) Ashleigh Carter, 15, of Allentown, Pennsylvania is confounding friends, family, psychiatrists, clergy and members of the media for what Tiger Beat Magazine® is calling “an unexpected, unprecedented and highly disturbing transformation into a world of staggering sophistication.”
“This just doesn’t happen to young girls, ever.” said Dr. Leonard Heinlein, leader of the psychiatric team studying Carter. “We’re at a complete loss as to why a young lady of fifteen would abandon a world of texting, poorly applied makeup, ending every sentence with a rising inflection and thinking everything that happened before 2005 is gay, then suddenly immerse herself into the harmonically enlightened, melodically challenging, polyrhythmic juggernaut that is fusion jazz. Why? We are just scratching the surface of the teenage female brain. The answers may be decades away.” Read the rest of this entry »
Burger King Rolls Out Promotional Drinking Glass Giveaway for Independent Swedish Drama
July 16th, 2011
I'll Have a Burger with a Side of Anguish Please. The fishing village depicted in the film, Arvid and Bengt.
STOCKHOLM (Special to TSD AfterDark) Burger King’s confounding promotional tie-in with the independent Swedish film, Arvid and Begnt, has fast food lovers scratching their heads.
The low budget drama by up and coming director Olaf Bergstrom, follows the lives of brothers Arvid and Bengt Nykvist as they come to grips with why they’re the only people in their small fishing village who view life in black and white, while everyone else sees in color. Eventually the brothers are overcome by madness and are forced to devour their own organs as dancing demons celebrate their free fall into a hellish abyss.
“That’s some fucked up shit,” said Darnell Overbrook of Chester, Pennsylvania, who recently acquired the third in a series of five glasses depicting scenes from the film. “I got the one where Arvid pulls out his own eye while a diminutive clown laughs in the background.” Read the rest of this entry »
Roll Back the Clock Day in London: Queen Orders Beheadings of Ten Subjects
July 16th, 2011
Great Scot! Well, not exactly. Queen watches as one beheading is horribly botched.
LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) In a horrifying return to days of yore, Queen Elizabeth ordered the beheadings of ten ordinary Londoners during the annual “Roll Back the Clock” day, traditionally held during the third Saturday in July.
“What a bloody mess that was,” said Lawrence Donaldson, who witnessed three of his neighbors yanked from their homes and forced into the guillotine. “It was a scene more out of Henry VIII than Elizabeth II. Quite frankly, it put a little damper on the picnic we planned on taking at Beachy Head this afternoon.”
A cluster of ten of the queen’s subjects were randomly selected for the beheadings in what the royal family described simply as “a fond remembrance of the shits and giggles from the good old days.” Read the rest of this entry »
Arab Spring Smells Almost as Pleasant as Irish Spring; Use of Cumin Only Major Difference
May 19th, 2011
Strong Enough for the Irish, but Arabs like it too.
CAIRO (Special to TSD AfterDark) Omar Saad, an overseas correspondent with Reuters has been focusing on the Arab Spring, the revolutionary wave of protests and demonstrations that have occurred in North Africa and the Middle East since mid-December of 2010. Saad’s been at several flash points across the region and has literally watched history unfold before his eyes.
Saad reports that events of this proportion effect all the senses. Read the rest of this entry »
Stand Up Comic’s “Where’s bin Laden?” Routine Gets Scrapped as He’s Forced to Change Entire Act
May 2nd, 2011
Now What? Comic Tommy Sharples goes back to the drawing board.
NEW YORK (Special to TSD AfterDark) With the death of terrorist, Osama bin Laden reported late last night, celebrations broke out worldwide. But it’s a bittersweet moment for stand up comic Tommy Sharples, the “Where’s bin Laden?” guy. Sharples will need to change his act – fast. With the death of bin Laden, Sharples, whose career has been marked by disappointment, failure, overeating, and bouts of drug abuse, only to be interrupted by long periods of inactivity and more drug abuse, might be through permanently. Read the rest of this entry »
Man Beaten Up for Milk Money at 30th High School Reunion
April 13th, 2011
Got Milk Money? Jerry Lawford after a bit of a thrashing.
DALLAS, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) Jerry Lawford was really looking forward to reconnecting with old high school friends and catching up on old times at his thirtieth high school reunion. Unfortunately for him, what happened last Saturday evening will forever tarnish that memory.
Lawford, an accountant currently living in Bethesda, Maryland who graduated from Dallas Senior High School in Dallas, Pennsylvania in 1981, was enjoying some small talk with former classmates Tony Cabrese and Rusty Moorhead when he was tapped on the shoulder by reputed class bully, Bernie Conrad, currently a contractor in Dayton, Ohio. Conrad then marched Lawford into an adjacent cloak room, slammed him against the wall and demanded his milk money. Read the rest of this entry »
Classic Outtake from STONERVILLE: The Cargasm
March 14th, 2011
In our collaborative screenplay effort, STONERVILLE, which wound up being Leslie Nielsen’s final on-screen appearance, there were days on the set where we just riffed. This scene wasn’t written into the script, but was a gag we’d pull in college on unsuspecting passengers. Pat Cavanaugh and Brian Guest certainly grasped the vibe of this prank. Though it didn’t make the movie, it did appear as an outtake while the credits rolled.
Long Dead Bishop Fulton Sheen Joins Charlie Sheen in Tiger Blood Fueled Night on the Town
March 14th, 2011
Smells Like Sheen Spirit. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen in the living years.
LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) The Charlie Sheen saga continues as the embattled actor went on an all night tiger blood-fueled partying spree which included spouting cryptic parables in his often imitated but never duplicated brand of Sheen-speak.
However, at approximately 3:13 AM Monday morning, Sheen, draped in a bevy of porn stars, inadvertently summoned the spirit of long deceased television pop holy man, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. The priest reappeared for the first time since 1979, when he succumbed to heart disease. Read the rest of this entry »
Another Two and a Half Men Shocker: Jon Cryer Stays Home with His Family; Eats Apple Pie; Watches Disney Movie
March 10th, 2011
I've got Hamster Blood. Now Jon Cryer is tearin' it up in Hollywood.
LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) In a dizzying counter punch to the Charlie Sheen tiger blood-fueled media circus, Two and a Half Men co-star Jon Cryer stunned Hollywood paparazzi last night by staying home with his family to indulge in apple pie and watch the repeated viewings of the Walt Disney classic, Old Yeller.
“It appeared as though they were all drinking milk,” said veteran picture snapper, Jean Luc Peruc. “I think some of it was whole milk. I thought I saw Jon himself actually have a second piece of pie. That kind of indulgence is taboo in a town obsessed with perfect waist lines.” Read the rest of this entry »