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Reorganized Taliban Inspires Emerson, Lake and Palmer Reunion

Friday, May 29th, 2009
God ELP Us! Emerson, Lake, and Palmer feel inspired.

God ELP Us! Emerson, Lake, and Palmer feel inspired.

LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) Generations of music fans raised on samples, loops and multi-tracked voices are turning to the epic albums of their parents’ generation for inspiration and new discoveries.  Art-Rock supergroups like Yes, Genesis, Pink Floyd, and King Crimson, seem to never go away.  One form or another of these time-tested groups continue to endure.  Now, one of the most popular of these bands – Emerson, Lake and Palmer, have decided to give it a go again.  But the inspiration for their reunion seems odd.

(more…)

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Whiney 85 Year Old Woman Gets “Greatest Generation” Membership Card Revoked; Brokaw Pissed

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

 

Strip Her. That's what WW2 Vet Carl Zapski says.

Strip Her. That's what WW2 Vet Carl Zapski says.

 

 

TAMARAC, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Rosemarie Larusso, an 85 year old widow who resides in Royal Point, a South Florida retirement community, was stripped of her “Greatest Generation” membership card on Wednesday for what neighbors call “incessant whining and behavior unbecoming a GG member.” (more…)

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FEATURE: The Wino With the Sophisticated Palate

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

 

 

Fit for a Wino. If you just happen to be Alvin Madison.

Fit for a Wino. If you just happen to be Alvin Madison.

 

 

BROOKLYN, NY (Special to TSD After Dark) Alvin Madison got off to rough start in life.  He bounced from job to job and home to home before a cardboard box near a steam heating grate became his permanent address seven years ago. But a chance encounter miraculously transformed him from street wino to connoisseur to the stars.

Alvin had two things going for him. A photographic memory; a corner of his brain where he stored mountains of statistical information and a sophisticated palate; a talent he discovered quite by accident after he inadvertently stumbled onto the set of a live wine taste-testing program for the Discovery Channel. 

Alvin was suddenly transfixed by the bold, buttery bouquet of a California Cabernet and the more subtle, fruitier Merlots. His ability to identify vintages accurately stunned even veteran wine aficionados. (more…)

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I Know. I Know. I Have to See It.

Friday, May 15th, 2009

 

Jim Beam me Scotty. It's the weekend.

Jim Beam me Scotty. It's the weekend.

 

 

BOCA RATON, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) No, I haven’t seen it. Yes, it’s my job to. Kind of. I’m mean, I don’t fancy myself a film critic, even though I guess I’m qualified as anyone considering I grew up in my dad’s movie theatre and majored in Radio, Television, and Film in college. I’ve been asked several times already.  ”Have you seen the new Star Trek?” “Are you going to see it this weekend?”  I’d like to.  But my dance card is pretty full considering I’m traveling half way around the world in a few days. 

(more…)

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Twelve Year Old Boy Builds Crude Thermo-Nuclear Device in Basement; Declares War on Bully Next Door

Friday, May 15th, 2009

 

 

Put Up Your Nukes. This treehouse is part of little Brent Jewell's demands.

Put Up Your Nukes. This treehouse is part of little Brent Jewell's demands.

 

 

SHAVERTOWN, PA (Special to TSD After Dark) Brent Jewell, is not your typical bullied twelve year old. He is not plotting a Columbine-like event just because he’s felt the wrath of neighborhood ruffian Bernie Chalker a few times too often. He instead is devising a plan to seize complete control of Chalker’s bedroom, basement fort, and treehouse. 

“I have been able to stockpile a tidy bundle of highly-enriched uranium and have devoted my off hours into creating this crude albeit effective nuclear device,” Jewell said while proudly showing off the containment chamber as he gnawed on a liberal slab of Cherry Twizzlers®. “I intend to teach this theatre-seat-sniffing rapscallion a thing or two about respect. I expect by noon at Monday he will not only publicly apologize to me in front of the entire middle school student body, but cheerfully give me unlimited access to his treehouse, basement fort, and comic book and baseball card collection. I’ve also had my eye on his older sister Denise, whom I expect to give me French kissing lessons this summer down by Toby’s Creek.”

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Talking From His Underpants

Friday, May 8th, 2009

underpants

MIAMI (Special to TSD After Dark) There is a guy who does a sports radio show.  He fancies himself to be controversial. He likes to stir it up. He’s a ratings grabber. At least that’s what I’m told.  Her used to do his show in Miami. I’m not sure where he is now.  

This guy had no idea idea (or maybe he did) how cushy he had it.  He was able to broadcast his live call-in show from his bedroom.  His bedroom folks! 

(more…)

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Apple Actually Does Fall Far from Tree; Farmer Mystified

Friday, May 8th, 2009

 

apples

MEDFORD, OR (Special to TSD After Dark)  A farmer made a strange discovery yesterday afternoon when he located a solitary apple nearly five-hundred feet from his nearest apple tree.

Franklin Dunbar was astounded the apple, a Macintosh, was able to venture so far from the tree.

“There’s an old saying,” Dunbar said. “You may have heard of it; ‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’ I always believed that, and in my experience it’s true. But this darn thing somehow got five hundred feet away.  That’s quite a distance.  That’s quite an apple.” 

(more…)

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Who’s That Girl?

Friday, May 8th, 2009

 

Valerie Quennessen.

Valerie Quennessen.

 

 

BOCA RATON, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) So, I’m leaving for Greece in a couple of weeks, and needless to say I am, as my son says, “pretty jacked up.” 

I’m going through the typical pre-trip preparations and mindset of living as a Greek citizen as opposed to an average tourist – the ugly American if you will. I prefer to travel that way; At least in Greece, where I know my way around. 

So, during the preparations, I came across my old VHS copy of Summer Lovers, the 1982 film about a holiday manage a trois on the Greek island of Santorini. If you haven’t seen it, you’re not missing much. It’s really not much of a movie, save the scenery, which is spectacular.  The acting is passable.  You’ll even see a very young Daryl Hannah.

(more…)

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The China Syndrome

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

 

Faux No! Could these babies be a knock off?

Faux No! Could these babies be a knock off?

 

 

HONG KONG (Special to TSD After Dark) The undisputed king of counterfeits is undoubtedly China.  The Sportsman loves to golf and recently asked one of his associates who was traveling to China to fetch him a bag of faux Callaways – at least that’s what we hear he did, as everything pertaining to the Sportsman is third person innuendo. 

The bag of “Callaways” arrived. The Sportsman loved them. In fact, we hear he played his best round of golf in years.  

The real story is what happened during the fifth round of golf he played.  That’s when the head of his three wood decided to fly off the shaft.  Not something you see everyday.  This minor flaw in craftsmanship screams counterfeit.  ”Damn you China!” came a scream that resonated across the fairways.  Still, it could have been an isolated incident.  

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Man Produces Actual 10 Foot Pole He Wouldn’t Use for Intercourse

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

 

A friendly neighbor shows versatility of a 10 foot umbrella pole

A friendly neighbor shows versatility of a 10 foot umbrella pole

 

SEATTLE, WA (Special to TSD After Dark) – “I wouldn’t fuck her with a ten foot pole.” How many times have those words been uttered over the course of time? Probably about as many times as the classic female rejoinder, “I wouldn’t fuck you if you had a ten foot pole.”

Darren Ferguson, a 26 year old bank clerk, took the expression several steps further when he paid an unexpected visit to the home of co-worker Debbie Rowland, awkwardly carrying a ten foot pole.

“What kind of idiot shows up at your doorstep carrying a ten foot pole?” Rowland asked. “I barely even know the guy.”

According to bank sources, Ferguson was out drinking after work with five or six colleagues, when the conversation turned to the seemingly alarming prospect of having sex with the ungainly Ms. Rowland, whose lisp, facial hair, filmy green eyes, buck teeth, and large, amorphous frame, has made her a slow-moving target for office-wide ridicule.

(more…)

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