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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

South Florida Braces for Historic, Plentiful Sunshine

Monday, January 26th, 2015

Unrelenting Tranquility. South Floridans are prepared.

MIAMI (Special to TSD AfterDark) While cities like New York, Boston, and Philadelphia are gearing up for what is being called the latest “Storm of the Century” in some circles, South Floridians are going about things business as usual. Most are trying not to notice the abundant, glorious, sunshine that is brightening their lives, with a remarkable, uninterrupted string of tranquil, tropical, days and cool, pleasant evenings.

“I’m prepared,” said Parker Lavoy, of South Beach. “I’ve got my Pina Colada mix, some steaks for the grill, and some new pool toys. Granted, the day in, day out, perfect climate set against the backdrop of soothing, steel pan music can become a bit mundane, but we’ll soldier on I suppose. We’ve done it before. This is our home, and we’re not moving.”

(more…)

Demolition of Fabled Parthenon Approved to Build New Walmart

Saturday, March 15th, 2014

Civilization. Move over history. Big business is coming.

ATHENS (Special to TSD AfterDark) In an effort to continue it’s international expansion, Walmart has reached a deal with the Greek government to build a 150,000 square foot location on Acropolis Hill, home of the legendary Parthenon. The exalted structure and it’s surrounding buildings will all be torn down to accommodate the facility and enough parking for 250 vehicles. Construction is set to begin this October.  (more…)

Pat Metheny Pulled Over in Civic Hybrid For Playing Exquisitely Beautiful Music in 6/8

Saturday, January 25th, 2014

 

Pat Out of Hell. Metheny's driving was fine, but his listening habits rocked a community.

MIAMI (Special to TSD AfterDark) Jazz and fusion guitarist, Pat Metheny was pulled over at 2:25 this afternoon moments after driving at the speed limit on Ocean Drive in South Beach.  Police claim the Grammy Award winning musician was stopped after they received numerous complaints by several teenage girls for playing “confusing, yet exquisitely beautiful chord changes over a 6/8 rhythm” over the car’s sound system. (more…)

Upper Middle Class Woman Leaves 41 Year Old Husband in BMW With Windows Up

Tuesday, January 14th, 2014

House of Horrors. For one man, the overwhelming style and sophistication could not block out the terror.

SUNRISE, FL (Special to TSD AfterDark) Laurie Davidson, the 37 year old stay at home mother of two, decided to go shopping on Tuesday afternoon. She asked her husband Cameron to come along since she expected to be purchasing a few heavy items.

Cameron initially balked at the idea, as he was hoping to catch up on some unfinished business from his home office.  However, Laurie’s persistent pleas and promise of an afternoon romp in the hay won him over.  (more…)

50 Years Later, Man Remains in State of Confusion After Playing Musical Chairs With John Cage

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

All the World's a Cage. John Cage experiments with musical chairs.

NEW YORK (Special to TSD AfterDark) Leonard Phelps, 61, a renowned sculptor and architect, still enjoys a successful career, as well as spending time with his family, shuttling between his Manhattan penthouse apartment and Long Island weekend home.  However, Phelps continues to battle nightmares from an incident that occurred fifty years ago in a 6th grade music class visited by composer and “chance” musician, John Cage, who was invited to participate in Mrs. Thelma Prescott’s musical chairs experiment.

Though Cage, who died in 1992, wrote hundreds of compositions in his long career, it is his 1952 piece entitled 4’33” (four minutes, thirty-three seconds) which consists of environmental sounds, amounting mostly to silence, which left Phelps and several other friends and classmates confused and horrified.  (more…)

Turn Signals to Be Removed From All Florida Vehicles By 2015

Monday, August 27th, 2012

There is a Reason - Turn, Turn, Turn. Well, there used to be a reason.

TALLAHASSEE, FL (Special to TSD) The Florida Department of Motor Vehicles has announced that it will require all dealerships to remove factory installed turn signals by February of 2015.

“We’ve found that 97.3% of Floridians don’t used turn signals anymore, and of that 97.3%, 46% don’t know what one is.” DMV spokesperson Lamar Hennings said. “In the spirit of the devil may care, laid back lifestyle here, we decided to take a ‘what the fuck?’ attitude and eliminate the use of signals. The hope is that this will give drivers the unencumbered freedom to text while driving, swerve across four lanes of traffic to make a last second exit, and slow down to a crawl and hold up traffic for miles just to check the welfare of a guy on the side of the road on his cell phone or a rogue honeydew melon that’s fallen off the back of a pickup truck.”

Most drivers are thrilled. (more…)

Remembering Dudley Moore

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

It happens to nearly everyone at one time or another. Someone says you remind them of someone else. Perhaps it’s someone famous. In my case, as far back as high school I heard from several people how I reminded them of Dudley Moore. I bring this up because Moore passed away ten years ago today.  (more…)

Tony Randall’s Tour de Force Performance Unearthed in Lost Odd Couple Episode: The Unger Games

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Unger Pains. Randall's legendary performance in long lost Unger Games.

LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) Lost in a dank, dusty warehouse in Studio City, California, a 16mm film is being restored. It was found by a night watchman on March 8th and handed over to film historian, Alfred Keller. It is believed to be the only remaining copy of an episode of The Odd Couple that was never aired. Entitled, The Unger Games, the controversial episode depicted Felix Unger (played by the late Tony Randall) tormenting his roommate Oscar (played by veteran actor Jack Klugman) with a meatball hero sandwich after Oscar lost his wallet during a night of tomfoolery with his sports writer colleagues.

A hungry Oscar returns home to an empty refrigerator and unable to purchase food. Randall’s Felix character sees the opportunity to transform the sloppy, unkempt Oscar to a refined man of elegance and cleanliness. That’s where Randall’s epic performance kicks in, and a newly seen sinister side of Felix Unger is revealed to an unsuspecting audience. (more…)

President’s Day Profile: The William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger

Monday, February 20th, 2012

Load It Up! Taft liked his fried foods.

WASHINGTON DC (Special to TSD AfterDark) Republican William Howard Taft, the 27th President of the United States, was the heaviest president the nation has known. Weighing in at an estimated 350 pounds, the 6 foot tall Taft was a devotee of fried foods and is said to have loved hamburgers later in life. He temporarily abolished the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, using the money instead to purchase lard.

White House chef, Charles W. Latimer worked exclusively for Taft during and after his presidency, and over the course of three months perfected the William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger in 1924. No sitting president tried the sandwich, except for Bill Clinton. (more…)

Concert Pianist Evegeny Zarafiants Accused of Finger Syncing Scriabin Etude

Friday, February 10th, 2012

Note to Self: Don't finger sync Scriabin.

MOSCOW (Special to TSD AfterDark) In a page torn directly from the world of pop divadom, comes the bizarre saga of renowned concert pianist, Evgeny Zarafiants and his apparent near perfect finger syncing of Etude opus 42, no. 5 in C sharp minor by Alexander Scriabin. (more…)