Back to Home Page

Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Demolition of Fabled Parthenon Approved to Build New Walmart

Saturday, March 15th, 2014

Civilization. Move over history. Big business is coming.

ATHENS (Special to TSD AfterDark) In an effort to continue it’s international expansion, Walmart has reached a deal with the Greek government to build a 150,000 square foot location on Acropolis Hill, home of the legendary Parthenon. The exalted structure and it’s surrounding buildings will all be torn down to accommodate the facility and enough parking for 250 vehicles. Construction is set to begin this October.  (more…)

President’s Day Profile: The William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger

Monday, February 20th, 2012

Load It Up! Taft liked his fried foods.

WASHINGTON DC (Special to TSD AfterDark) Republican William Howard Taft, the 27th President of the United States, was the heaviest president the nation has known. Weighing in at an estimated 350 pounds, the 6 foot tall Taft was a devotee of fried foods and is said to have loved hamburgers later in life. He temporarily abolished the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, using the money instead to purchase lard.

White House chef, Charles W. Latimer worked exclusively for Taft during and after his presidency, and over the course of three months perfected the William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger in 1924. No sitting president tried the sandwich, except for Bill Clinton. (more…)

Roll Back the Clock Day in London: Queen Orders Beheadings of Ten Subjects

Saturday, July 16th, 2011

Great Scot! Well, not exactly. Queen watches as one beheading is horribly botched.

LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) In a horrifying return to days of yore, Queen Elizabeth ordered the beheadings of ten ordinary Londoners during the annual “Roll Back the Clock” day, traditionally held during the third Saturday in July.

“What a bloody mess that was,” said Lawrence Donaldson, who witnessed three of his neighbors yanked from their homes and forced into the guillotine. “It was a scene more out of Henry VIII than Elizabeth II. Quite frankly, it put a little damper on the picnic we planned on taking at Beachy Head this afternoon.”

A cluster of ten of the queen’s subjects were randomly selected for the beheadings in what the royal family described simply as “a fond remembrance of the shits and giggles from the good old days.” (more…)

Arab Spring Smells Almost as Pleasant as Irish Spring; Use of Cumin Only Major Difference

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

Strong Enough for the Irish, but Arabs like it too.

CAIRO (Special to TSD AfterDark) Omar Saad, an overseas correspondent with Reuters has been focusing on the Arab Spring, the revolutionary wave of protests and demonstrations that have occurred in North Africa and the Middle East since mid-December of 2010. Saad’s been at several flash points across the region and has literally watched history unfold before his eyes.

Saad reports that events of this proportion effect all the senses. (more…)

Stand Up Comic’s “Where’s bin Laden?” Routine Gets Scrapped as He’s Forced to Change Entire Act

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

Now What? Comic Tommy Sharples goes back to the drawing board.

NEW YORK (Special to TSD AfterDark) With the death of terrorist, Osama bin Laden reported late last night, celebrations broke out worldwide. But it’s a bittersweet moment for stand up comic Tommy Sharples, the “Where’s bin Laden?” guy. Sharples will need to change his act – fast. With the death of bin Laden, Sharples, whose career has been marked by disappointment, failure, overeating, and bouts of drug abuse, only to be interrupted by long periods of inactivity and more drug abuse, might be through permanently. (more…)

Palin’s Promise for 2012: I’ll Beef Up Border Patrol Around Easter Island

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Palin and Simple. Sarah tells some school children how it is.

UPPER DARBY, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) It has become increasingly evident that Sarah Palin will run for president in 2012. She has all but announced her candidacy for the White House. On Wednesday before a group of seventh graders in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, near Philadelphia, Palin announced that one of the first things she would do is increase security by strengthening the border patrol around the mysterious Easter Island.

The announcement drew some oohs and ahhs from a few children, but mostly looks of bewilderment, as well as two chuckles. (more…)

The Time Traveler’s Journal: Remember the Good Old Days When Music Didn’t Have a Melody?

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

by Agent 817 – Pangea Federation

Location. Location. Location. Buy up some space in Andromeda while the prices are still affordable.

Location. Location. Location. Buy up some space in Andromeda while the prices are still affordable.

ANDROMEDA QUADRANT 1787X (Special to TSD) Being from your future – specifically 2052 – It was nice to go back to 2011 for an event called the Super Bowl which featured low brow, highly produced music and a football game played by two long gone professional football teams named the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers; part of a sports league called the NFL. Records indicate that human beings actually played in these games as opposed to the cyborgs who play in games today.

Anyway, back to the music. (more…)

Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Leslie Nielsen’s Last Film

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Your Assignment Mr. Phelps: To bring down this abhorrent low budget comedy.

Your Assignment Mr. Phelps: To bring down this abhorrent low budget comedy.

TOPEKA, KS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The controversial Westboro Baptist Church, led by Fred Phelps, has announced they will picket a yet to be named video store close to church grounds because they are selling the movie, Stonerville. The film was pre-released on January 11, 2011. It will be available everywhere this week via Netflix, Blockbuster, iTunes, and Amazon as well as video stores.

Stonerville is a direct-to-DVD frat boy comedy which stars Pauly Shore, Patrick Cavanaugh and the late comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, in his last on-screen appearance. Nielsen passed away in November of 2010. (more…)

Crazed Assassin With Very Low Self Esteem Targets Vice President With Dull, Plastic Butter Knife

Monday, December 13th, 2010

Nutjob's How-to Book. Once again, "Catcher in the Rye" surfaces in assassination attempt.

Nutjob's How-to Book. Once again, "Catcher in the Rye" surfaces in assassination attempt.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chadwick Martin Hayes, a crazed assassin with three names in a long line of crazed assassins with three names, appeared confused in a special holding area after he attempted to injure Vice President Joe Biden late yesterday afternoon as he was getting to a limo after enjoying lunch and watching football with friends.

“He had what appeared to be a dull, plastic butter knife with some sort of spreadable cheese on it,” said FBI agent Conrad Bittner. “To be honest, the Vice President was really never in any danger. In fact, he laughed and made a joke about plastic utensils. It was quite funny. I’d share it with you all, but the joke is classified.” (more…)

Twelve Year Old Boy Builds Crude Thermo-Nuclear Device in Basement; Declares War on Bully Next Door

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Put Up Your Nukes. This treehouse is part of little Brent Jewell's demands.

Put Up Your Nukes. This treehouse is part of little Brent Jewell's demands.

SHAVERTOWN, PA (Special to TSD After Dark) Brent Jewell, is not your typical bullied twelve year old. He is not plotting a Columbine-like event just because he’s felt the wrath of neighborhood ruffian Bernie Chalker a few times too often. He instead is devising a plan to seize complete control of Chalker’s bedroom, basement fort, and treehouse. (more…)