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Archive for the ‘The Rest’ Category

Bad Planning Makes This Team THE Worst of Them All

Saturday, June 20th, 2015

Glory Days. Phillies fans at least have their memories.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD AfterDark) In 1955, the Philadelphia Athletics, who won five World Series in the City of Brotherly Love, left the Delaware Valley for Kansas City for a thirteen-year stretch, before moving to Oakland, California before the 1968 season. They were my dad’s team. I heard many stories about his beloved A’s like Jimmie Foxx, Al Simmons, and Lefty Grove. He was heartbroken when they moved, and simply by default, he switched his allegiance to the National League cellar dwelling Phillies. Sure, he kept his eye on the Oakland A’s during their 1970s heyday, but 2,900 miles more than constitutes a long distance relationship…so, it would now have to be the Phillies.

Yep. The Phillies. (more…)

Demolition of Fabled Parthenon Approved to Build New Walmart

Saturday, March 15th, 2014

Civilization. Move over history. Big business is coming.

ATHENS (Special to TSD AfterDark) In an effort to continue it’s international expansion, Walmart has reached a deal with the Greek government to build a 150,000 square foot location on Acropolis Hill, home of the legendary Parthenon. The exalted structure and it’s surrounding buildings will all be torn down to accommodate the facility and enough parking for 250 vehicles. Construction is set to begin this October.  (more…)

Tony Randall’s Tour de Force Performance Unearthed in Lost Odd Couple Episode: The Unger Games

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Unger Pains. Randall's legendary performance in long lost Unger Games.

LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) Lost in a dank, dusty warehouse in Studio City, California, a 16mm film is being restored. It was found by a night watchman on March 8th and handed over to film historian, Alfred Keller. It is believed to be the only remaining copy of an episode of The Odd Couple that was never aired. Entitled, The Unger Games, the controversial episode depicted Felix Unger (played by the late Tony Randall) tormenting his roommate Oscar (played by veteran actor Jack Klugman) with a meatball hero sandwich after Oscar lost his wallet during a night of tomfoolery with his sports writer colleagues.

A hungry Oscar returns home to an empty refrigerator and unable to purchase food. Randall’s Felix character sees the opportunity to transform the sloppy, unkempt Oscar to a refined man of elegance and cleanliness. That’s where Randall’s epic performance kicks in, and a newly seen sinister side of Felix Unger is revealed to an unsuspecting audience. (more…)

Came Up in Therapy

Saturday, February 4th, 2012

Roll Back the Clock Day in London: Queen Orders Beheadings of Ten Subjects

Saturday, July 16th, 2011

Great Scot! Well, not exactly. Queen watches as one beheading is horribly botched.

LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) In a horrifying return to days of yore, Queen Elizabeth ordered the beheadings of ten ordinary Londoners during the annual “Roll Back the Clock” day, traditionally held during the third Saturday in July.

“What a bloody mess that was,” said Lawrence Donaldson, who witnessed three of his neighbors yanked from their homes and forced into the guillotine. “It was a scene more out of Henry VIII than Elizabeth II. Quite frankly, it put a little damper on the picnic we planned on taking at Beachy Head this afternoon.”

A cluster of ten of the queen’s subjects were randomly selected for the beheadings in what the royal family described simply as “a fond remembrance of the shits and giggles from the good old days.” (more…)

Arab Spring Smells Almost as Pleasant as Irish Spring; Use of Cumin Only Major Difference

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

Strong Enough for the Irish, but Arabs like it too.

CAIRO (Special to TSD AfterDark) Omar Saad, an overseas correspondent with Reuters has been focusing on the Arab Spring, the revolutionary wave of protests and demonstrations that have occurred in North Africa and the Middle East since mid-December of 2010. Saad’s been at several flash points across the region and has literally watched history unfold before his eyes.

Saad reports that events of this proportion effect all the senses. (more…)

Stand Up Comic’s “Where’s bin Laden?” Routine Gets Scrapped as He’s Forced to Change Entire Act

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

Now What? Comic Tommy Sharples goes back to the drawing board.

NEW YORK (Special to TSD AfterDark) With the death of terrorist, Osama bin Laden reported late last night, celebrations broke out worldwide. But it’s a bittersweet moment for stand up comic Tommy Sharples, the “Where’s bin Laden?” guy. Sharples will need to change his act – fast. With the death of bin Laden, Sharples, whose career has been marked by disappointment, failure, overeating, and bouts of drug abuse, only to be interrupted by long periods of inactivity and more drug abuse, might be through permanently. (more…)

Man Beaten Up for Milk Money at 30th High School Reunion

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Got Milk Money? Jerry Lawford after a bit of a thrashing.

DALLAS, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) Jerry Lawford was really looking forward to reconnecting with old high school friends and catching up on old times at his thirtieth high school reunion. Unfortunately for him, what happened last Saturday evening will forever tarnish that memory.

Lawford, an accountant currently living in Bethesda, Maryland who graduated from Dallas Senior High School in Dallas, Pennsylvania in 1981, was enjoying some small talk with former classmates Tony Cabrese and Rusty Moorhead when he was tapped on the shoulder by reputed class bully, Bernie Conrad, currently a contractor in Dayton, Ohio. Conrad then marched Lawford into an adjacent cloak room, slammed him against the wall and demanded his milk money. (more…)

Classic Outtake from STONERVILLE: The Cargasm

Monday, March 14th, 2011

In our collaborative screenplay effort, STONERVILLE, which wound up being Leslie Nielsen’s final on-screen appearance, there were days on the set where we just riffed. This scene wasn’t written into the script, but was a gag we’d pull in college on unsuspecting passengers. Pat Cavanaugh and Brian Guest certainly grasped the vibe of this prank. Though it didn’t make the movie, it did appear as an outtake while the credits rolled.

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Long Dead Bishop Fulton Sheen Joins Charlie Sheen in Tiger Blood Fueled Night on the Town

Monday, March 14th, 2011

Smells Like Sheen Spirit. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen in the living years.

LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) The Charlie Sheen saga continues as the embattled actor went on an all night tiger blood-fueled partying spree which included spouting cryptic parables in his often imitated but never duplicated brand of Sheen-speak.

However, at approximately 3:13 AM Monday morning, Sheen, draped in a bevy of porn stars, inadvertently summoned the spirit of long deceased television pop holy man, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. The priest reappeared for the first time since 1979, when he succumbed to heart disease. (more…)