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52 Year Old Man Plunges to Death After Failing to Get Justin Bieber Song Out of His Head

Friday, February 18th, 2011

Bieber Leaper. Edward Horton Stang moments before ending it all.

SILVER SPRING, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Edward Horton Stang, a successful insurance salesman from the Washington DC metro died Thursday afternoon after throwing himself off the top floor of the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Silver Spring, Maryland. Stang, a part time musician, enjoyed playing bass in the jazz-funk group, FunkThrusters.

Stang, who was unmarried, began experiencing psychotic episodes after a visit from his 15 year old niece, Ashley last week. The high school freshman was listening to Justin Bieber’s hit single, One Less Lonely Girl, when Stang asked her if he could “hear what all the fuss is about.” The decision proved fatal for Stang as the hook of the song kept playing over and over in his head.

Stang left a note which was obtained by TSD After Dark. The contents are as follows: (more…)

Tags: Justin Bieber
Posted in Humor, Music, The Rest, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Time Traveler’s Journal: Remember the Good Old Days When Music Didn’t Have a Melody?

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

by Agent 817 – Pangea Federation

Location. Location. Location. Buy up some space in Andromeda while the prices are still affordable.

ANDROMEDA QUADRANT 1787X (Special to TSD) Being from your future – specifically 2052 – It was nice to go back to 2011 for an event called the Super Bowl which featured low brow, highly produced music and a football game played by two long gone professional football teams named the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers; part of a sports league called the NFL. Records indicate that human beings actually played in these games as opposed to the cyborgs who play in games today.

Anyway, back to the music. (more…)

Posted in Gadgets, Humor, Music, Politics, The Rest | No Comments »

Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Leslie Nielsen’s Last Film

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Your Assignment Mr. Phelps: To bring down this abhorrent low budget comedy.

TOPEKA, KS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The controversial Westboro Baptist Church, led by Fred Phelps, has announced they will picket a yet to be named video store close to church grounds because they are selling the movie, Stonerville. The film was pre-released on January 11, 2011. It will be available everywhere this week via Netflix, Blockbuster, iTunes, and Amazon as well as video stores.

Stonerville is a direct-to-DVD frat boy comedy which stars Pauly Shore, Patrick Cavanaugh and the late comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, in his last on-screen appearance. Nielsen passed away in November of 2010. (more…)

Posted in Film, Politics, The Rest, Uncategorized, Women | No Comments »

Twelve Year Old Boy Builds Crude Thermo-Nuclear Device in Basement; Declares War on Bully Next Door

Friday, July 16th, 2010

Put Up Your Nukes. This treehouse is part of little Brent Jewell's demands.

SHAVERTOWN, PA (Special to TSD After Dark) Brent Jewell, is not your typical bullied twelve year old. He is not plotting a Columbine-like event just because he’s felt the wrath of neighborhood ruffian Bernie Chalker a few times too often. He instead is devising a plan to seize complete control of Chalker’s bedroom, basement fort, and treehouse. (more…)

Posted in Gadgets, Humor, Politics, The Rest | No Comments »

Could It Work? BP to Try Plugging Hole With Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

Oily to Rise. Gaga and Bieber will be lowered to the depths at 5:00 A.M.

GULF COAST, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) After several failed attempts to plug the massive hole where nearly 100,000 barrels of oil is spilling into the Gulf of Mexico on a daily basis, the BP Corporation will try a radical new theory which they hope will finally seal the gaping chasm. Current pop icons Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber will be submerged to a depth of nearly 5,000 feet below the ocean surface in an attempt to cut off the flowing oil supply. (more…)

Tags: BP, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga
Posted in Fashion, Gadgets, Humor, Music, Politics, The Rest, Uncategorized, Women | 1 Comment »

Facebook Employee Gets Fired for Spending Too Much Time on Facebook

Friday, January 29th, 2010

De-Faced. James R. Lyons, the former Facebook employee is weighing his options.

PALO ALTO, CA (Special to TSD AfterDark) James R. Lyons, an employee of the social networking website Facebook, was let go from his position yesterday after it was discovered he was spending what employers call “entirely too much time on Facebook.”

(more…)

Posted in Gadgets, Humor, The Rest | No Comments »

Whiney 85 Year Old Woman Gets “Greatest Generation” Membership Card Revoked; Brokaw Pissed

Friday, September 11th, 2009

Strip Her. That's what WW2 Vet Carl Zapski says.

TAMARAC, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) Rosemarie Larusso, an 85 year old widow who resides in Royal Point, a South Florida retirement community, was stripped of her “Greatest Generation” membership card on Wednesday for what neighbors call “incessant whining and behavior unbecoming a GG member.” (more…)

Tags: Tom Browkaw
Posted in Humor, The Rest, Women | No Comments »

Simple Country Folk Travel to Urban Areas to Insist Rural Legends Are Just as Cool

Friday, July 31st, 2009

We're interesting too, ya city slicker!

PHILADELPHIA, PA (Special to TSD After Dark) Urban Legends. Little Mikey died from eating Pop Rocks and drinking Coke. The Proctor and Gamble corporation is affiliated with the Church of Satan. Mama Cass Elliot died from eating a ham sandwich.

These are just a few urban legends that have made their way around the globe. And of course, they are untrue. (more…)

Posted in Humor, Politics, The Rest | No Comments »

Never Judge a Facebook by It’s Cover

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Being there. Well, almost feels like it.

So I signed up for Facebook a couple of years ago. But I really didn’t use it much. I just figured (and accurately by the way) that it would be just another time sucking device in my life.

I was determined to allow it function only as a sort of portal for folks from my past to find me if they absolutely needed to, and nothing else. I certainly had no intention of filling it with mindless facts about what I’m thinking about or what movies I’m watching or books I’m reading or who I like in what election. I wasn’t going to get caught up in that.

Then something happened. (more…)

Posted in Gadgets, The Rest | No Comments »

After Dark Recommends This Clip with a Glass of Cabernet or a Robust Alaskan Amber

Friday, July 17th, 2009

One of After Dark’s favorite guitarists is unquestionably Pat Metheny. Whether playing with his world class fusion group, in a duo setting with Charlie Haden, or any other pairing, he’s a constant source of inspiration and musical joy.

Here he is in a solo setting, in a harmonic reworking of Norah Jones’ Don’t Know Why.

Tags: Pat Metheny
Posted in Food & Wine, Music, The Rest | No Comments »