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Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

Upper Middle Class Woman Leaves 41 Year Old Husband in BMW With Windows Up

Tuesday, January 14th, 2014

House of Horrors. For one man, the overwhelming style and sophistication could not block out the terror.

SUNRISE, FL (Special to TSD AfterDark) Laurie Davidson, the 37 year old stay at home mother of two, decided to go shopping on Tuesday afternoon. She asked her husband Cameron to come along since she expected to be purchasing a few heavy items.

Cameron initially balked at the idea, as he was hoping to catch up on some unfinished business from his home office.  However, Laurie’s persistent pleas and promise of an afternoon romp in the hay won him over.  (more…)

Remembering Dudley Moore

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

It happens to nearly everyone at one time or another. Someone says you remind them of someone else. Perhaps it’s someone famous. In my case, as far back as high school I heard from several people how I reminded them of Dudley Moore. I bring this up because Moore passed away ten years ago today.  (more…)

Roll Back the Clock Day in London: Queen Orders Beheadings of Ten Subjects

Saturday, July 16th, 2011

Great Scot! Well, not exactly. Queen watches as one beheading is horribly botched.

LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) In a horrifying return to days of yore, Queen Elizabeth ordered the beheadings of ten ordinary Londoners during the annual “Roll Back the Clock” day, traditionally held during the third Saturday in July.

“What a bloody mess that was,” said Lawrence Donaldson, who witnessed three of his neighbors yanked from their homes and forced into the guillotine. “It was a scene more out of Henry VIII than Elizabeth II. Quite frankly, it put a little damper on the picnic we planned on taking at Beachy Head this afternoon.”

A cluster of ten of the queen’s subjects were randomly selected for the beheadings in what the royal family described simply as “a fond remembrance of the shits and giggles from the good old days.” (more…)

Classic Outtake from STONERVILLE: The Cargasm

Monday, March 14th, 2011

In our collaborative screenplay effort, STONERVILLE, which wound up being Leslie Nielsen’s final on-screen appearance, there were days on the set where we just riffed. This scene wasn’t written into the script, but was a gag we’d pull in college on unsuspecting passengers. Pat Cavanaugh and Brian Guest certainly grasped the vibe of this prank. Though it didn’t make the movie, it did appear as an outtake while the credits rolled.

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Long Dead Bishop Fulton Sheen Joins Charlie Sheen in Tiger Blood Fueled Night on the Town

Monday, March 14th, 2011

Smells Like Sheen Spirit. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen in the living years.

LOS ANGELES (Special to TSD AfterDark) The Charlie Sheen saga continues as the embattled actor went on an all night tiger blood-fueled partying spree which included spouting cryptic parables in his often imitated but never duplicated brand of Sheen-speak.

However, at approximately 3:13 AM Monday morning, Sheen, draped in a bevy of porn stars, inadvertently summoned the spirit of long deceased television pop holy man, Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. The priest reappeared for the first time since 1979, when he succumbed to heart disease. (more…)

Palin’s Promise for 2012: I’ll Beef Up Border Patrol Around Easter Island

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Palin and Simple. Sarah tells some school children how it is.

UPPER DARBY, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) It has become increasingly evident that Sarah Palin will run for president in 2012. She has all but announced her candidacy for the White House. On Wednesday before a group of seventh graders in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, near Philadelphia, Palin announced that one of the first things she would do is increase security by strengthening the border patrol around the mysterious Easter Island.

The announcement drew some oohs and ahhs from a few children, but mostly looks of bewilderment, as well as two chuckles. (more…)

Westboro Baptist Church to Protest Leslie Nielsen’s Last Film

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Your Assignment Mr. Phelps: To bring down this abhorrent low budget comedy.

Your Assignment Mr. Phelps: To bring down this abhorrent low budget comedy.

TOPEKA, KS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The controversial Westboro Baptist Church, led by Fred Phelps, has announced they will picket a yet to be named video store close to church grounds because they are selling the movie, Stonerville. The film was pre-released on January 11, 2011. It will be available everywhere this week via Netflix, Blockbuster, iTunes, and Amazon as well as video stores.

Stonerville is a direct-to-DVD frat boy comedy which stars Pauly Shore, Patrick Cavanaugh and the late comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, in his last on-screen appearance. Nielsen passed away in November of 2010. (more…)

Slang for Wanker

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

cialis

BOCA RATON, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) Spam.  We get a ton of it here at the TSD offices – No, not the canned food product, but SPAM of the unwanted internet junk mail variety.  Lately my inbox has been inundated by ads telling me how I need to spice up my love life with either Viagra or Cialis or a host of other male enhancement products.  What gets me are the headlines, and more specifically all the lovely pet names for penis – or slang for wanker, if you prefer. Slang for Wanker.  I kind of fancy that phrase.  Sounds like an indie band.

Anyway, these are some of the actual terms that have come across the transom that refer to said penis:

Device.

Measuring Stick.

Dr. Spank

Flagpole.

Crisis Center.

New York Strip.

and…The Butler.

Some admittedly are sharper than others.  But it begs the question, is there any other part of the human anatomy (male or female) that has inspired more pet names?

Imagine it being your job to actually come up with these terms.  Imagine sitting in the office and actually hearing your boss say “Smithers (because that’s the only name they use for the put upon guy with the prick for a boss), I want you to rush out all that discount Viagra spam immediately, and while you’re at it, come up with about two dozen names for dick.”

I’d rather play in an indie band called Slang for Wanker.

The Epic Movie Slap of All Time

Friday, June 4th, 2010

You don’t have to understand Greek at all. You just have to appreciate a Three Stooges-like moment juiced up for maximum comedic effect. The legendary Greek comic actor Thanasis Veggos lays it on the line with his daughters.

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Could It Work? BP to Try Plugging Hole With Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

Oily to Rise. Gaga and Bieber will be lowered to the depths at 5:00 A.M.

Oily to Rise. Gaga and Bieber will be lowered to the depths at 5:00 A.M.

GULF COAST, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) After several failed attempts to plug the massive hole where nearly 100,000 barrels of oil is spilling into the Gulf of Mexico on a daily basis, the BP Corporation will try a radical new theory which they hope will finally seal the gaping chasm. Current pop icons Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber will be submerged to a depth of nearly 5,000 feet below the ocean surface in an attempt to cut off the flowing oil supply. (more…)