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Archive for April, 2009

Even the Sportsman Never Drove This Baby

Thursday, April 30th, 2009

If you could drive one car in the world – any one – what would it be?  For me, it’s 007′s Aston Martin.  It was introduced to the world in the third Bond film, Goldfinger.  Not my favorite of the Sean Connery Bonds, (that distinction goes to From Russia with Love) but certainly one of my favorite Bond moments.  

Watch the clip, even Connery salivates over this one – although he’s not inclined to show it. 

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Slang for Wanker

Thursday, April 30th, 2009


BOCA RATON, FL (Special to TSD After Dark)  Spam.  We get a ton of it here at the TSD offices – No, not the canned food product, but SPAM of the unwanted internet junk mail variety.  Lately my inbox has been inundated by ads telling me how I need to spice up my love life with either Viagra or Cialis or a host of other male enhancement products.  What gets me are the headlines, and more specifically all the lovely pet names for penis – or slang for wanker, if you prefer. Slang for Wanker.  I kind of fancy that phrase.  Sounds like an indie band.  

Anyway, these are some of the actual terms that have come across the transom that refer to said penis:


The China Syndrome

Thursday, April 30th, 2009


Faux No!  Could these babies be a knock off?

Faux No! Could these babies be a knock off?



HONG KONG (Special to TSD After Dark) The undisputed king of counterfeits is undoubtedly China.  The Sportsman loves to golf and recently asked one of his associates who was traveling to China to fetch him a bag of faux Callaways – at least that’s what we hear he did, as everything pertaining to the Sportsman is third person innuendo. 

The bag of “Callaways” arrived. The Sportsman loved them. In fact, we hear he played his best round of golf in years.  

The real story is what happened during the fifth round of golf he played.  That’s when the head of his three wood decided to fly off the shaft.  Not something you see everyday.  This minor flaw in craftsmanship screams counterfeit.  ”Damn you China!” came a scream that resonated across the fairways.  Still, it could have been an isolated incident.  


Man Produces Actual 10 Foot Pole He Wouldn’t Use for Intercourse

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009


A friendly neighbor shows versatility of a 10 foot umbrella pole

A friendly neighbor shows versatility of a 10 foot umbrella pole


SEATTLE, WA (Special to TSD After Dark) – “I wouldn’t fuck her with a ten foot pole.” How many times have those words been uttered over the course of time? Probably about as many times as the classic female rejoinder, “I wouldn’t fuck you if you had a ten foot pole.”

Darren Ferguson, a 26 year old bank clerk, took the expression several steps further when he paid an unexpected visit to the home of co-worker Debbie Rowland, awkwardly carrying a ten foot pole.

“What kind of idiot shows up at your doorstep carrying a ten foot pole?” Rowland asked. “I barely even know the guy.”

According to bank sources, Ferguson was out drinking after work with five or six colleagues, when the conversation turned to the seemingly alarming prospect of having sex with the ungainly Ms. Rowland, whose lisp, facial hair, filmy green eyes, buck teeth, and large, amorphous frame, has made her a slow-moving target for office-wide ridicule.


North and South Korea on Brink of War over Control of Chick Corea

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
A Free Corea? North AND South Korea say "no."

A Free Corea? North AND South Korea say "no."

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA (Special to TSD After Dark) A technical state of war has existed between the two nations since the armistice was signed in 1953, but North and South Korea have lived in relative peace since – save a few border skirmishes.  But that peace has been threatened once again after the recent rocket launch by the North Koreans and claims that renowned jazz pianist Chick Corea belongs to them.

“But I’m not Korean, my heritage is Italian,” said Corea. “I get how my last name may throw some folks off, but I’m not a strip of land.”

However, both sides agree on one matter; that Corea is land and are willing to wage war to take control of him.


Former CIA Officer Admits to Waterboarding and Forced Interminable Viewing of “Facts of Life”

Monday, April 20th, 2009


WASHINGTON (Special to TSD After Dark) Former CIA Officer Roger Delmont’s new book, &%x@! and Other Secrets I Shouldn’t Be Telling You About is due in book stores next month, and chronicles specific torture methods the agency used on al-Qaeda operatives and other terrorists between 2004-2006.

“Without question, waterboarding is just the tip of the iceberg,” Delmont writes. “I am a seasoned CIA veteran.  I thought I’d seen everything but even I cringed when I read about a proposed new form of torture.  Its disturbing when one contemplates the sick, twisted minds who concocted what was simply labeled as “the torture with no name.”  Many of us called it the Birds and Bees Torture.  Birds and Bees being a synonym for Facts of Life, which as many know was also the name of a 1980′s sitcom about boarding school teenage girls.”


The 1976 Sportsman Sighting

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009


(Ed. Note:  As employees of The Sportsman’s Daily and TSD After Dark, we have no knowledge as to the true identity of the Sportsman.  The following was submitted to us in a sealed envelope from the Herald Tribune, postmarked London.)


There are many people who’ve claimed to have seen or caught a glimpse of the Sportsman. I have dined with him.


Don Sebastiani from Smoking Loon, Talks Great Wine

Thursday, April 9th, 2009
An After Dark Favorite. Smoking Loon Cabernet Sauvignon

TSD After Dark’s Tom Alexander enjoys a great Cabernet like everyone else (that is assuming everyone else enjoys a great Cabernet) and talks with Smoking Loon big man Don Sebastiani from Don and Sons in Napa Valley, CA.

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Simple Country Folk Travel to Urban Areas to Insist Rural Legends Are Just as Cool

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Were interesting too, ya city slicker!

We're interesting too, ya city slicker!

PHILADELPHIA, PA (Special to TSD After Dark) Urban Legends. Little Mikey died from eating Pop Rocks and drinking Coke. The Proctor and Gamble corporation is affiliated with the Church of Satan. Mama Cass Elliot died from eating a ham sandwich.

These are just a few urban legends that have made their way around the globe. And of course, they are untrue.

But why have urban legends gained great popularity, while rural legends have flown essentially under the radar, or perhaps more appropriately, below the cornstalks?