POUGHKEEPSIE, NY (Special to TSD After Dark) Lewcun Jankauskas, an out of work mechanical engineer, spends his time combing the classifieds online and in newspapers, and tries to keep up with breaking news. However, he’s found the latter increasingly difficult especially when it’s reported by the leggy CBS correspondent, Lara Logan.
“I can’t handle it,” said Jankauskas. “I mean have you ever taken a look at her? Jesus Christ almighty! The sexuality that oozes from that woman is unceasing. Those comely glares into the camera when she describes one of our fighting boys disarming a roadside bomb just puts me over the moon. Her pursing lips and that accent – how do I say this discreetly – really gets my testicles boiling to a point where I feel I can flood the entire Mid-Hudson Valley with a raging current of my man seed.”
Derek Lemmond, Vice President of the news industry trade magazine, From the Field, realizes Logan presents a unique problem.
“I can hardly fault Mr. Jankauskas’ inability to focus on the stories Lara reports,” Lemmond said. “We’re not dealing with your run-of-the-mill, garden variety, typical smoking-hot weather girl or sports sideline reporter phenomenon here. This isn’t just fake tits and a pretty smile. Logan is a triple threat. She’s a savvy investigative reporter with a genius IQ, she’s got connections around the world, and she’ll make you cum in your pants even when she reads the death tolls of American soldiers. That’s unprecedented.”
Logan says she apologizes for her distracting effect on Jankauskas, and has offered to personally read the news to him in his living room while wearing a Ronald Reagan mask.
“That won’t work,” Jankauskas added. “It’ll make me think of Nancy Reagan, who was hot in her day. At this point, maybe I just need to be neutered.”