GULF COAST, FL (Special to TSD After Dark) After several failed attempts to plug the massive hole where nearly 100,000 barrels of oil is spilling into the Gulf of Mexico on a daily basis, the BP Corporation will try a radical new theory which they hope will finally seal the gaping chasm. Current pop icons Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber will be submerged to a depth of nearly 5,000 feet below the ocean surface in an attempt to cut off the flowing oil supply.
“Their massive egos alone should have an immediate effect, much like an industrial sized tampon,” said Stanford musicologist and natural resources expert Clifford Carmel. “As any clear thinking person over the age of twenty should easily surmise, the voluminous outpouring of musical rot these two have infected the planet with may finally, actually serve a purpose for good as opposed to the saccharine sweet, dumbing down which pathetic 1980‘s types who are trying to recapture their youth, and Generation X-Box douche bags are exposed to between their all night texting sessions.”
BP is also considering sending the two musical star’s CD catalogues with them.
“Had this happened ten years ago, we’d have had a lot more to send down to the bottom or the sea,” said BP spokesman Tom Mueller. “But now with all the downloads, there just aren’t as many CDs to send. Its a case where progress is kind of fucking us. Downloads are convenient, but don’t have the bulk to plug up a hole – in a manner of speaking.”
Gaga and Bieber couldn’t be reached for comment, but a spokesperson for Gaga who goes by the name Serge did say his client is looking forward to bringing her artistry to the Sea People.