SHAVERTOWN, PA (Special to TSD After Dark) Brent Jewell, is not your typical bullied twelve year old. He is not plotting a Columbine-like event just because he’s felt the wrath of neighborhood ruffian Bernie Chalker a few times too often. He instead is devising a plan to seize complete control of Chalker’s bedroom, basement fort, and treehouse.
“I have been able to stockpile a tidy bundle of highly-enriched uranium and have devoted my off hours into creating this crude albeit effective nuclear device,” Jewell said while proudly showing off the containment chamber as he gnawed on a liberal slab of Cherry Twizzlers®. “I intend to teach this theatre-seat-sniffing rapscallion a thing or two about respect. I expect by noon at Monday he will not only publicly apologize to me in front of the entire middle school student body, but cheerfully give me unlimited access to his treehouse, basement fort, and comic book and baseball card collection. I’ve also had my eye on his older sister Denise, whom I expect to give me French kissing lessons this summer down by Toby’s Creek.”
Chalker, a C minus student and chain-smoker feels Jewell is overreacting.
“So I’d slam him against the lockers once in while and beat him up for milk money,” Chalker said. “Is that any reason to threaten a guy with nuclear annihilation? Have you any idea what radiation can do to the central nervous system? He can have my old comic books if he wants. Would that make us even?”
Jewell isn’t softening his stance.
“Old comic books? I suppose this is his feeble attempt at detente, but I’m not buying it,” a chuckling Jewell added. “These rogue students have to be dealt with harshly. I expect him to meet all my demands lest my apocalyptic fury reign down on him like so many locusts. And let me add parenthetically I’m particularly adamant about the French kissing his sister part.”