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Crazed Assassin With Very Low Self Esteem Targets Vice President With Dull, Plastic Butter Knife

Nutjob's How-to Book. Once again, "Catcher in the Rye" surfaces in assassination attempt.

Nutjob's How-to Book. Once again, "Catcher in the Rye" surfaces in assassination attempt.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chadwick Martin Hayes, a crazed assassin with three names in a long line of crazed assassins with three names, appeared confused in a special holding area after he attempted to injure Vice President Joe Biden late yesterday afternoon as he was getting to a limo after enjoying lunch and watching football with friends.

“He had what appeared to be a dull, plastic butter knife with some sort of spreadable cheese on it,” said FBI agent Conrad Bittner. “To be honest, the Vice President was really never in any danger. In fact, he laughed and made a joke about plastic utensils. It was quite funny. I’d share it with you all, but the joke is classified.”

Hayes, 38, is an unemployed auto mechanic and amateur cellist. He claimed to hatch the scheme in an attempt to impress former Cincinnati Reds outfielder, George Foster. When he was arrested, he was found to have a copy J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye, Glenn Beck’s Idiots Unplugged, and the soft cover version of The Complete and Unabridged Meanderings of Justin Bieber.

“Disturbed is putting it lightly,” said psychologist Dr. Howard Roth. “This guy’s nuts. His hope was to hasten the end times by forcing President Obama to enact the Vice-Presidential Succession Process as stated in the 25th Amendment to the Constitution which is a total cluster fuck. I doubt it would have brought about the end times, but most certainly some big laughs.”

Hayes will remain under observation. Justin Bieber was unavailable for comment.

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