TALLAHASSEE, FL (Special to TSD) The Florida Department of Motor Vehicles has announced that it will require all dealerships to remove factory installed turn signals by February of 2015.
“We’ve found that 97.3% of Floridians don’t used turn signals anymore, and of that 97.3%, 46% don’t know what one is.” DMV spokesperson Lamar Hennings said. “In the spirit of the devil may care, laid back lifestyle here, we decided to take a ‘what the fuck?’ attitude and eliminate the use of signals. The hope is that this will give drivers the unencumbered freedom to text while driving, swerve across four lanes of traffic to make a last second exit, and slow down to a crawl and hold up traffic for miles just to check the welfare of a guy on the side of the road on his cell phone or a rogue honeydew melon that’s fallen off the back of a pickup truck.”
Most drivers are thrilled.
“That’s one less thing to concern myself with.” said Jennifer Callison of Hallandale, near Miami. “People don’t need me to signal, they’re psychic like me. I just sense where everyone is going. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going speed through a parking lot, then later on back out of my parking spot without looking and expect the other guy to stop, because I’m important. Then I’ll go home and watch something really sophisticated on television to expand my mind like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
Harlan Thorpe of Sarasota however claims removing the turn signals is a bad idea.
“Its kicking courtesy and common sense to the curb.” the 52 year old sculptor and part time jazz trumpeter said while backing over a pedestrian who happened to be using his cellphone. “If I may be so bold, this prick had it coming to him. He was on his cellphone and crossed the street without looking when he should be paying attention and experiencing the beauty of the planet. But, as you can see, there’s no app for that.”