President’s Day Profile: The William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger

February 20th, 2012

Load It Up! Taft liked his fried foods.

WASHINGTON DC (Special to TSD AfterDark) Republican William Howard Taft, the 27th President of the United States, was the heaviest president the nation has known. Weighing in at an estimated 350 pounds, the 6 foot tall Taft was a devotee of fried foods and is said to have loved hamburgers later in life. He temporarily abolished the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, using the money instead to purchase lard.

White House chef, Charles W. Latimer worked exclusively for Taft during and after his presidency, and over the course of three months perfected the William Howard Taft Bacon Triple Cheeseburger in 1924. No sitting president tried the sandwich, except for Bill Clinton. Read the rest of this entry »

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Concert Pianist Evegeny Zarafiants Accused of Finger Syncing Scriabin Etude

February 10th, 2012

Note to Self: Don't finger sync Scriabin.

MOSCOW (Special to TSD AfterDark) In a page torn directly from the world of pop divadom, comes the bizarre saga of renowned concert pianist, Evgeny Zarafiants and his apparent near perfect finger syncing of Etude opus 42, no. 5 in C sharp minor by Alexander Scriabin. Read the rest of this entry »

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Came Up in Therapy

February 4th, 2012

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Teen Girl Stuns World By Admitting to Having Tons of Fusion Jazz on Ipod

January 31st, 2012

Con-Fusion? Not according to Ashleigh Carter. She's all about fusion.

ALLENTOWN, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) Ashleigh Carter, 15, of Allentown, Pennsylvania is confounding friends, family, psychiatrists, clergy and members of the media for what Tiger Beat Magazine® is calling “an unexpected, unprecedented and highly disturbing transformation into a world of staggering sophistication.”

“This just doesn’t happen to young girls, ever.” said Dr. Leonard Heinlein, leader of the psychiatric team studying Carter. “We’re at a complete loss as to why a young lady of fifteen would abandon a world of texting, poorly applied makeup, ending every sentence with a rising inflection and thinking everything that happened before 2005 is gay, then suddenly immerse herself into the harmonically enlightened, melodically challenging, polyrhythmic juggernaut that is fusion jazz. Why? We are just scratching the surface of the teenage female brain. The answers may be decades away.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Burger King Rolls Out Promotional Drinking Glass Giveaway for Independent Swedish Drama

July 16th, 2011

 

I'll Have a Burger with a Side of Anguish Please. The fishing village depicted in the film, Arvid and Bengt.

STOCKHOLM (Special to TSD AfterDark) Burger King’s confounding promotional tie-in with the independent Swedish film, Arvid and Begnt, has fast food lovers scratching their heads.

The low budget drama by up and coming director Olaf Bergstrom, follows the lives of brothers Arvid and Bengt Nykvist as they come to grips with why they’re the only people in their small fishing village who view life in black and white, while everyone else sees in color. Eventually the brothers are overcome by madness and are forced to devour their own organs as dancing demons celebrate their free fall into a hellish abyss.

“That’s some fucked up shit,” said Darnell Overbrook of Chester, Pennsylvania, who recently acquired the third in a series of 341 glasses depicting scenes from the film. “I got the one where Arvid pulls out his own eye while a diminutive clown laughs in the background.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Roll Back the Clock Day in London: Queen Orders Beheadings of Ten Subjects

July 16th, 2011

Great Scot! Well, not exactly. Queen watches as one beheading is horribly botched.

LONDON (Special to TSD After Dark) In a horrifying return to days of yore, Queen Elizabeth ordered the beheadings of ten ordinary Londoners during the annual “Roll Back the Clock” day, traditionally held during the third Saturday in July.

“What a bloody mess that was,” said Lawrence Donaldson, who witnessed three of his neighbors yanked from their homes and forced into the guillotine. “It was a scene more out of Henry VIII than Elizabeth II. Quite frankly, it put a little damper on the picnic we planned on taking at Beachy Head this afternoon.”

A cluster of ten of the queen’s subjects were randomly selected for the beheadings in what the royal family described simply as “a fond remembrance of the shits and giggles from the good old days.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Arab Spring Smells Almost as Pleasant as Irish Spring; Use of Cumin Only Major Difference

May 19th, 2011

Strong Enough for the Irish, but Arabs like it too.

CAIRO (Special to TSD AfterDark) Omar Saad, an overseas correspondent with Reuters has been focusing on the Arab Spring, the revolutionary wave of protests and demonstrations that have occurred in North Africa and the Middle East since mid-December of 2010. Saad’s been at several flash points across the region and has literally watched history unfold before his eyes.

Saad reports that events of this proportion effect all the senses. Read the rest of this entry »

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Stand Up Comic’s “Where’s bin Laden?” Routine Gets Scrapped as He’s Forced to Change Entire Act

May 2nd, 2011

Now What? Comic Tommy Sharples goes back to the drawing board.

NEW YORK (Special to TSD AfterDark) With the death of terrorist, Osama bin Laden reported late last night, celebrations broke out worldwide. But it’s a bittersweet moment for stand up comic Tommy Sharples, the “Where’s bin Laden?” guy. Sharples will need to change his act – fast. With the death of bin Laden, Sharples, whose career has been marked by disappointment, failure, overeating, and bouts of drug abuse, only to be interrupted by long periods of inactivity and more drug abuse, might be through permanently. Read the rest of this entry »

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Man Beaten Up for Milk Money at 30th High School Reunion

April 13th, 2011

Got Milk Money? Jerry Lawford after a bit of a thrashing.

DALLAS, PA (Special to TSD AfterDark) Jerry Lawford was really looking forward to reconnecting with old high school friends and catching up on old times at his thirtieth high school reunion. Unfortunately for him, what happened last Saturday evening will forever tarnish that memory.

Lawford, an accountant currently living in Bethesda, Maryland who graduated from Dallas Senior High School in Dallas, Pennsylvania in 1981, was enjoying some small talk with former classmates Tony Cabrese and Rusty Moorhead when he was tapped on the shoulder by reputed class bully, Bernie Conrad, currently a contractor in Dayton, Ohio. Conrad then marched Lawford into an adjacent cloak room, slammed him against the wall and demanded his milk money. Read the rest of this entry »

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Classic Outtake from STONERVILLE: The Cargasm

March 14th, 2011

In our collaborative screenplay effort, STONERVILLE, which wound up being Leslie Nielsen’s final on-screen appearance, there were days on the set where we just riffed. This scene wasn’t written into the script, but was a gag we’d pull in college on unsuspecting passengers. Pat Cavanaugh and Brian Guest certainly grasped the vibe of this prank. Though it didn’t make the movie, it did appear as an outtake while the credits rolled.

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