A TSD Classique: Bill James in Love: Recently Discovered Spreadsheets Reveal Writer’s Unrequited Feelings for Craig Biggio

August 25th, 2016


Craig Biggio: Bill James’ decade-long unfulfilled obsession.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)Buried deep beneath mountains of baseball stats and regression analysis beats the heart of an incurable romantic. Based on data and an assortment of pie charts and bar graphs embedded in a series of spreadsheets that were sent to TSD’s Stats and Analysis Desk, for over a decade (1989-1999), Bill James, the father of sabremetrics, was madly in love with Craig Biggio, catcher, second baseman, and briefly centerfielder before retuning to second base for the Houston Astros.

Yesterday, amateur baseball statistician and longtime Bill James correspondent Richard Hastings sent TSD an email attachment containing 23 Excel spreadsheets, spanning the years 1989-1999. According to Dr. Felix Lopez, TSD’s resident statistician, the spreadsheets reveal James’ abiding obsession with the Astros’ star. Read the rest of this entry »

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Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Access to Local Sports Legend

August 23rd, 2016
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Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests. Read the rest of this entry »

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Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

August 22nd, 2016

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)

— It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all.

Refusing to give up, he got right back on but fell off again almost immediately. Bontecou was stunned. He had completely lost the reference point for balance and clumsily tossed the bike back into the garage, stormed inside his home and poured himself a briming goblet of Grand Cru Schlossberg St. Catherine Cuvee L’Inedit, Domaine Weinbach 2003 as a confused Claude cried on the crumbling steps of their 18th century chateau. Read the rest of this entry »

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Poker Player with Interminable Poker Face Dead After All

August 19th, 2016

Ace-hole? Not exactly. It wasn’t gamesmanship -it was death.

LAS VEGAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jethro “Dead Eye” Salinger lived up to his nickname on Tuesday night when opponents couldn’t get him to ante up.

“He just sort of stayed there, staring straight ahead, motionless,” said Jimmy “The Lion” Nicosia. “We thought it was just another element of his world renowned gamesmanship, but it went on too long, even for him. That’s when we realized he was dead.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Braves Electrify Fans With Walk Off Loss

August 18th, 2016



Walk Off Boss. The walk of loss was commandeered by the Snit.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Atlanta Braves squeezed out one run in the ninth inning on Wednesday night, but it still wasn’t enough as they lost to the Minnesota Twins, 10-3.

The Braves displayed a weak offensive output throughout the contest, until ultimately, the last remaining ember of  hope was permanently vanquished.

“We really sustained a level of ineptitude that kept our opponents in complete control,” said Braves manager, Brian Snitker. “I’m glad we were able to give our fans a nice walk off loss.”

“I love being a fan of this team,” said Parker Vogel of Athens, Georgia. “We’ve come to expect are fair amount of winning over the years. So one of these walk off losses is sweet.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: A-Rod’s Massage Parlor Encounter Culminates with Mediocre Ending

August 16th, 2016

Rub a Dub Flub. Madame Force’s rub down finishes apparently don’t live up to the deep tissue massages.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Robert De Niro’s Plan to Bring Third Baseball Team to New York Gets Raves at Press Conference

August 15th, 2016

Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Giant, Mutated John Stockton Emerges from Japanese Forest; Vows Return to NBA

August 12th, 2016





Heavy D. Mutated John Stockton displays defensive style he plans on bringing back to the NBA.


NEAR MOUNT FUJI, JAPAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the greatest point guards in NBA history, not much has been heard from former Utah Jazz great John Stockton since his 2003 retirement. That is until yesterday, when the once 6’1’’ player emerged from the dreaded Aokigahara forest at the base of Mount Fuji a stunning seventy feet tall.

“What’s happened to him? Jesus Howard Christ! What in God’s name has happened to him?” said Rick Adams, an American scientist studying fossils in Hokkaido. “Perhaps it’s some kind of Napoleon Complex thing. I know he was short, but talk about overcompensating. And those teeth.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Packers Fan Shows Up for Training Camp 200 Pounds Overweight

August 11th, 2016

Packin’ It On. Conner Carlson needs some cleaning up.

DE PERE, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Conner Carlson, a lifelong Green Bay Packers fan and important cog in the wheel of Packer fandom, has some explaining to do, and then a fair amount of work.

“We’re stunned,” said fellow fan, Jerry Schroeder. “We all have spare tires around our middle what with ingesting copious amount of brats and beer, but Conner’s really let himself go. He’s gone from being a moderate, late season heart attack risk, to not making it past the third game of pre-season. It’s unacceptable.”

Carlson claims a harsh winter and layoffs at the pet food plant was the reason for his dramatic weight gain. Read the rest of this entry »

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Geeky ESPN Graphics Whiz Admits to Green Screening Erin Andrews into His Bedroom

August 9th, 2016

Lean and Green. The lovely Erin Andrews has been green-screened onto Melvin Frisbee’s bed, where he imagines himself seducing her in his own personal Star Trek episode

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Melvin Frisbee has been the man behind many of ESPN’s more impressive digital graphics effects for the past three years. But on Sunday Frisbee admitted to his bosses there was something he could no longer keep secret.

The twenty-seven year old CGI whiz has been green-screening ESPN sports reporter Erin Andrews into his bedroom since August, 2009. Green-screening, a longtime television visual effect, allows the subject in front of a camera to appear to be anywhere – depending on the background that is chosen. Read the rest of this entry »

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Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Rio Games; Represents Vatican City

August 8th, 2016

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Rio.

RIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He wasn’t able to arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.

“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female figure swimmers – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have gymnasts pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”

Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate scripture quoting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away. Read the rest of this entry »

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FROM THE ARCHIVES: Fat Guy from Neighborhood Pool Goes on Michael Phelps Diet; Dies Next Day

August 5th, 2016


Marco – Polo. It’s the name children give a game of pool tag as well as the name of the guy who “supposedly” brought pasta to Italy. Arthur Venable celebrated Polo’s life by devouring two pounds spaghetti in one day – just as an appetizer – then swam in the 100 meter race at his local swimming pool.

RIDLEY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arthur Venable didn’t miss a minute of Michael Phelps trek to Olympic history in 2008.  Like everyone else who watched, he was struck by the incredible accomplishments of the gold medal winning swimmer. Then, when Venable got word of Phelps’ 12,000 calorie-a-day diet, he initially balked at the idea. Then, this pat week he decided to adopt the carb and fat rich ingest-a-fest.

The 63 year old stock broker spent this past Wednesday following the Phelps diet to a tee. In the middle of the afternoon he decided to dive into the pool and swim a 100 meter freestyle race. It was the beginning of the end for Venable. Read the rest of this entry »

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