December 19th, 2016
Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.
CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home last Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.
Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustle on November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. Read the rest of this entry »
December 16th, 2016
You Wanna Complain? Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.
OMAHA, NE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz, a star wrestler in the fledgling Heartland Professional Wrestling Association (HPWA) was suspended for violating league rules last weekend by using a foreign object in his match against the Gargler. It was later discovered that the foreign object was actually a foreigner named Stavros Plakokefalos of Korinthos, Greece who was visiting his brother, Dimitrios, owner of the Olympia Diner on Omaha’s south side. Read the rest of this entry »
December 13th, 2016
Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.
SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The fifty-three year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.
“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.”
When told most NASCAR fans detest being thought of as racist, backwoods, trailer trash and are in fact affluent, educated and multi-cultural, Tompkins said he prefers to cling to tradition.
Read the rest of this entry »
December 12th, 2016
The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.
NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league.
“For years we tried increasing the level of graphic violence, from having goalies go without masks long after the technology was available to making sure every team had at least one thug capable of turning a ten foot radius of ice into a patch of freshly chilled blood,” said Bettman during a news conference where he made the announcement. “Fans across North America couldn’t get enough of it, but today we’re competing with the NBA and NFL for a share of the global entertainment dollar. While some NHL teams have put some quality T&A on ice, it’s clear we need to upgrade the product league-wide to compete with the more established NBA and NFL cheerleading squads.” Read the rest of this entry »
December 8th, 2016
WTF? This kid’s a star.
LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.
The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. Read the rest of this entry »
December 5th, 2016
A-Rod clubs home run number 630. New statistical model that adjusts baseball statistics for steroids projects a roided-up Babe jacks 1030 career four baggers…while lowering his “Ruthian” prostitute tally by a factor of five.
CHICAGO (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Next Monday, two professors from the University of Chicago will hold a press conference to announce an explosive new paper that argues for a new way of assessing and providing historical context to baseball statistics in light of those many believe were dramatically inflated by the widespread use of banned performance-enhancing substances. Professors Walt Ossenheimer, a renowned bio-engineer (Jockstraps is in the process of investigating whether that’s an actual academic discipline), and Arnold Pinkerton, a statistician known for his trailblazing work on latent space approaches to dynamic embedding of co-occurrence data, purport to have established a new mathematical model for aligning historical baseball statistics with those compiled during the so-called “steroids” era, seasons roughly spanning 1995-2004.
“There are some things we will never know, i.e., did Oswald act alone, did we actually land men on the moon, did OJ really do it, did Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, et al actually use performance enhancers in producing circus-freak numbers that defy biology and historical trends?” rhetorically asked Professor Ossenheimer. ” There’s no way of getting around it, just as there’s no real way of ignoring the numbers they recorded without rewriting history. So the question becomes: since you can’t just dismiss these numbers, how do you honor the actual achievements that have come before, milestones that define the sport of baseball?” Read the rest of this entry »
December 2nd, 2016
Brother Strother Has Spoken. Martin lays down the law.
JACKSONVILLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars are struggling with another long season after after their sixth consecutive loss and ninth overall. However, if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after their 28-21 loss to Buffalo, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was known for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in 1967’s Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.
“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.” Read the rest of this entry »
November 29th, 2016
Hail Mary! Twins fans flock to St. Anthony’s Church to see the emotionally conflicted statue.
ST. PAUL, MN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Most fans of the Minnesota Twins went into the season with what they thought were realistic expectations about their ball club’s chances in 2012. What they didn’t foresee was the worst record in the American League.
“Things have sort of flip flopped,” said Father Leo Forlano of St. Anthony’s Roman Catholic Church in St. Paul. “It’s the Cleveland Indians that should be at the bottom, not us.”
The season as a whole is what has many Twin Cities parishioners and curiosity seekers flocking to the front of the church to see the statue of the Virgin Mary, which hasn’t stopped it’s seemingly uncontrollable bouts of crying and laughter. Read the rest of this entry »
November 28th, 2016
Former Circus Standout Inflicted Psychological Scars on Thousands
Here’s Zippers! The mascot hopeful appears ready to devour a set of twins – a practice he calls the perfect in-game entertainment.
CINCINNATI (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He’s terrorized and psychologically scared countless children and adults alike over a storied twenty year career, but Cletus Haskins also known as Zippers the Evil Clown is mystified as to why he wasn’t selected as the Cincinnati Reds new mascot for the upcoming 2017 season.
“Ken Griffey Jr. was injured all the fucking time and got millions from this ball club,” Zippers said. “But I on the other hand have been working the streets near this park and before it Riverfront for every home game since 1987, and they don’t give me as much as a fucking courtesy call for a measly $42,000 gig?!! They’ll rue the day they made this decision. They’ll rue the day!” Read the rest of this entry »
November 25th, 2016
We sincerely hope you have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday. Remember the Four F’s…Family, Friends, Food, and Football.
Happy Thanksgiving from your friends at The Sportsman’s Daily!
November 21st, 2016
Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.
GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.
Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.
“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” Read the rest of this entry »