BREAKING SPORTS

From the Archives: Mound Visit Gets Awkward When Terry Collins Admits Knowing Whereabouts of Missing Bat Boy

July 28th, 2016
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Dead Batboy Era? Sort of.

FLUSHING, QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The pennant races are heating up. Often times traditional strategies are kicked to the curb for the unusual. However, even veteran New York Mets devotees were perplexed about halfway through the top of the fourth inning in yesterday’s 4-0 victory over the Colorado Rockies at CITI Field.

Manager Terry Collins wanted to have a little chat with starting hurler Matt Harvey. The oddly timed confab brought pitching coach Dan Warthen to the hill. That’s when Collins spilled the beans as to the whereabouts of missing bat boy, Danny Kesler.  Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Giant Crab Emerges From Pacific and Does Battle With Blake Griffin

July 26th, 2016
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Fallout Boy. This radioactive, mutated fella met his match when he battled Clippers star, Blake Griffin.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over four years since the Fukishima Nuclear Plant disaster, but reports of mutated, mammoth sized (but very dead) sea creatures washing up on the California coast linger.

Others claim the incidents are flat out hoaxes or at the very least, overly hyped tales of much lesser events. But even the most skeptical of critics scratched their collective head when a creature some Japanese islanders call Ebhira, emerged near Redondo Beach late yesterday afternoon.  The nearly twenty story high crab surfaced in the churning waters and made a direct path for the Staples Center where the LA Clippers call home. Read the rest of this entry »

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Dr. J Forced to Perform Emergency Appendectomy

July 25th, 2016
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Thanks Doc. Julius saves the day.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. Read the rest of this entry »

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Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

July 22nd, 2016

 

Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Another Paper Football Player Concussed; League to Investigate

July 21st, 2016
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Roughing the Flicker. Paper champions getting hurt.

ROCKVILLE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Jimmy Hantzes enjoys playing paper football with his buddies during study hall at Robert F. Kennedy Middle School. This kind of activity has been going on for decades.  However, there’s an increasingly disturbing trend as the sport has evolved – career threatening injuries. Since one of the game’s great pioneers, Larry Bynon lost his eye a few years ago, a startling number of injuries have occurred.

Now, Hantzes has taken a field goal attempt off the skull and is paying dearly. The hard hit has resulted in a concussion.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Swimming: Trump Claims He’ll Fill White House Pool With the Tears of Business Rivals

July 18th, 2016
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The Cool Pool. Trump plans to bust out some Olympian heroics in the famed White House swimming hole.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald J. Trump, says he plans on making “many, many great changes” upon taking up residence at America’s most famous address, should he win the 2016 race to the White House. Read the rest of this entry »

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NHL Set to Go Another Entire Season without Being Discussed on Sports Radio

July 18th, 2016

 

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Puck off!!! WFAN’s Mike Francesa says “I ain’t talking hockey this year, or any year. You got that schmuck?”

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Rangers, like every other NHL team are gearing up for another season. Except this year it’s with a bit of a twist.

“I think this just might be the year,” said Defenseman, Brendan Bell. “This might be the year when no one talks about us at all – which is kind of nice considering a lot of us are very sensitive about being criticized in the first place.”

The NHL regular season begins in early October and the league office is hoping all the teams will go unnoticed on the highly critical sports radio programs around North America.

“Well, I’m certainly going to do my part,” said Mike Francesa of WFAN in New York. “If I don’t have to take a call from Ernie the Ranger in Yonkers or Jimmy High Sticking from Astoria, I’m thrilled. I’d much rather talk basketball or even fuckin’ tiddlywinks!” Read the rest of this entry »

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As Trade Deadline Approaches, “Player to Be Named Later” Still Has Trouble Sleeping

July 15th, 2016

 

 

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“Auto” matic Out? Most probably. But James Czyzmenick still says he’s ready to leave his day job.

 

PRINGLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happens every year. Baseball teams evaluate their seasons and have to decide whether they’re going to be buyers or sellers before the August 1st trade deadline. The deadline has come and gone, but one player still awaits his fate.

James Czyzmenick.

The 62 year old Pringle, Pennsylvania resident is once again “the player to be named later” in an already made trade between two or more teams. And the automobile mechanic isn’t enjoying the ride. Read the rest of this entry »

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Fat, Lazy Slob Enjoying 12th Consecutive Year Without Sports Injury

July 14th, 2016
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Breaking Dad. Father of twins just chillin’.

NUTLEY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Artie Zbyszko, the 275 pound “work from home” father of twin 13 year old boys, generally gets around to dispatching his servicemen and printing out work orders for his air conditioning installation business by 11:00 AM.  This gives him ample time to enjoy three Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches® and two cups of coffee every morning while watching the Today Show.

“He builds most of the day around watching television, especially ESPN and COZI TV, the nostalgia programmed network.” laments Lorraine, his wife of 16 years. “I suppose the upside of his sedentary lifestyle is that he hasn’t really had any kind of sports injury in 12 years.”

Zbyszko’s only sports activity is when he reclines in his BarcaLounger®, and shoots baskets in the driveway with his sons, Calvin and Blake.   Read the rest of this entry »

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MLB Honors Kevin Costner for Appearing in Every Baseball Movie Ever Made

July 12th, 2016

 

s This Kevin? The star of Field of Dreams and Bull Durham is receiving the highest (and only) honor Hollywood bestows on baseball movie actors.

Is This Kevin? The star of Field of Dreams and Bull Durham is receiving the highest (and only) honor Hollywood bestows on baseball movie actors.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Sports movie buffs say the honor is long overdue. But Kevin Costner’s special day has arrived.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig as well as several baseball luminaries including Hall of Famers Reggie Jackson and Tom Seaver journeyed to Hollywood, California to present the 59 year old actor with the first ever Bronze Ball Award yesterday. The unprecedented honor recognizes Costner as the only actor to appear in every baseball movie ever produced in Hollywood. The award is a five pound bronze baseball with the block letters of the HOLLYWOOD sign emblazoned between the stitches across the sweet spot. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Scranton, Pennsylvania Receives Furtive Chuckles from World Class Cities in 2028 Olympic Bid

July 11th, 2016
2020 Visions. Scranton has it's eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

2020 Visions. Scranton has it’s eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s twelve years down the road, but it’s not too early for the International Olympic Committee to entertain serious considerations as to which city will host the 2028 Summer Games.

Among the more well known cities to throw their hats into the ring are Rome, Istanbul, Boston, Prague, Cape Town and Toronto.

Perhaps the most unlikely potential host city bidding for the games is Scranton, Pennsylvania.  When officials from Scranton attended a recent IOC event, members from Madrid, Tokyo, and Istanbul could be heard chuckling every time the Northeastern Pennsylvania city was mentioned.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Soccer Powerhouse Signs Unborn Child of Liverpool Couple

July 8th, 2016

 

 

 

Soccer mom is expecting a mid-fielder — Manchester United is expecting the sport’s next superstar.

 

 

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND (Sportman’s Daily Wire Service) Not to be outdone by Real Madrid’s signing of 7 year old Leonel Angel Coira, arch-rival Manchester United inked the unborn — and still to be named —  child of Liverpool residents Archie and Rita Littlefield to a 10 year contract.  According to a team spokesman, the unlikely story began in a London salon where Ms. Littlefield was having her hair colored.

“Nancy Dale, the wife of the team trainer was sitting in an adjacent chair and saw Ms. Littlefield virtually thrown by the bugger’s churning little feet,” said spokesman John St. Clare. “Later, while waiting for their hair to dry, the two ladies struck up a conversation. Ms. Littlefield mentioned the  unnaturally strong kicking action — which Ms. Dale confirmed when she was asked to place her hand over Ms. Littlefield’s abdomen.  She described it as feeling like a soccer ball being battered from within. She was impressed with both the ferocity and sustained syncopation, suggesting preternaturally adroit footwork.”

Upon hearing the story, team officials visited the Littlefield’s in their modest flat, asked a series of questions to ascertain the family’s athletic lineage (nothing suggesting athletic superstardom on either side), after which team doctors examined several ultrasound read-outs and submitted Ms. Littlefield to a battery of exams. Two days later the team tendered the unborn male the unprecedented contract. Read the rest of this entry »

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