BREAKING SPORTS

From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aide League’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-threatening Choking Fit

August 29th, 2015

 

 

 

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After Monday’s shoot around prior to their game later that night against the Heat, the San Antonio Spurs’ Manu Ginobli came perilously close to losing his life as a result of his reputation as the league’s most frequent — and arguably most accomplished – flopper.

Ginobli was lunching at a popular bistro in South Beach when a piece of his tuna melt lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit.  According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing  to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, a model who was grabbing take-out between before resuming his fashion shoot. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, a flop here in Miami is a fashion show that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

From the Archives: Huge Turd in Knicks’ Locker Room Toilet Still There After One Week

August 26th, 2015

It’s In There. Huge clump of crap holding it’s own.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A massive turd, possibly deposited by a New York Knicks player, remains in the third stall from the left inside the team’s locker room.

“I’d like to get to the bottom of this — in a manner of speaking.” said assistant locker room attendant, Joey “The Mop” Ciavelli. “This puppy’s a real fuckin’ behemoth — intact since it was left — it climbs up the sides of the bowl, breaking the water line. My guess is it’s either the work of (6’7” forward) Quincy Acy or (7’0’ forward-center) Jason Smith. It’s been there so long, it’s beginning to lose it’s aroma. I’m Italian, so I know aromas.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Competitive Cheerleading Not a Sport? F**k that Says Sparkles Botwinick, Leading Cheerleader Coach

August 25th, 2015

Cheerleaders demonstrate core strength and pulse-racing athleticism.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent debate at a leading site devoted to college athletics and the law, centered on whether competitive cheerleading is an official sport that colleges ought to be able to use to meet gender-equity requirements.  The debate prompted nationally renowned cheerleader coach Sparkles Botwinick to weigh in with her opinion on the matter.

“Not a sport my ass,” snorted Botwinick, still a petite dynamo at 47 years old. “Cheerleading at the highest levels requires athleticism, conditioning, and the ability to execute under pressure.  You try doing a  2½ high pyramid into a twisting basket toss with 25,000 frothing at the mouth maniacs trying to get a peek under your skirt, then tell me it’s not a sport.”

During the interview, Botwinick was putting a class of grimly determined 14-16 year olds through their paces. Botwinick runs an academy where cheerleaders from around the nation submit to two weeks of drills, training and competition  – all under the withering, all-seeing gaze of their demanding task-master. Read the rest of this entry »

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Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo

August 24th, 2015

 

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

 

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The fifty-three year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.”

When told most NASCAR fans detest being thought of as racist, backwoods, trailer trash and are in fact affluent, educated and multi-cultural, Tompkins said he prefers to cling to tradition.

Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Kotex New Sponsor of NHL; But Only During Periods

August 21st, 2015

 

 

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Besides trying to not to lose the entire 2012-13 season, the NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for what they hope will be the remainder of this season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: 12 Year Old Jimmy Esposito Downs 122 Cocktail Franks to Win Chucky Cheese “Little Dog” Belt

August 20th, 2015

 

After downing 122 of these, 12 year old Jimmy Esposito gives his very own fireworks display.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) An hour before Joey Chestnut hoisted the Mustard Belt for the fifth straight time,  Jimmy Esposito from Bedford, Massachusetts won the first annual Chucky Cheese Little Dog Eating Contest by inhaling 122 cocktail franks in ten minutes, as his beaming parents rooted him on.

Standing four feet eleven and weighing a robust 147 pounds, young Mr. Esposito consumed the miniature franks with what one onlooker described as “horrifying efficiency.”

When the buzzer sounded, Benjamin and Betty Esposito, his parents, rushed to the stage to embrace their champion eater.  The event took a somewhat revolting turn when a red-faced, visibly distressed Jimmy took a step back and voluminously spewed in three mighty heaves, as contest officials and contestants ran for cover. Read the rest of this entry »

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Yankees Fan Awakens From 48 Year Coma: “What’s All This Playoff Shit?”

August 18th, 2015

Just Yankees Your Chain? Apparently not. The playoffs are here to stay.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Roger Simpson, 66, of Staten Island, New York, has been a lifelong Yankees fan. He idolized the Bronx Bombers from when he was boy in the mid 1950’s. In 1967, the then 21 year old Simpson was speeding down the 8th Avenue in Manhattan on a motor scooter and ran into a crosstown bus. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and didn’t regain consciousness for decades. Simpson woke up on Saturday to find his sister Carol by his side.

“Almost immediately, he wanted to know how the Yankees were doing.” Carol Simpson-Cotter, 63, of Tenafly, New Jersey said. “He had a lot of catching up to do. He was unaware that Yankee Stadium has been torn down and replaced by a new one, he missed out on a seven world titles, and I had to explain to him what a Steinbrenner was.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Pete Rose Owes $7,863.57 in Library Late Fees for Borrowing Book Written by Pete Rose

August 17th, 2015

Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home last Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustle on November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Stevie Williams Thrashes Mickelson Fan with Sand Wedge; Apologizes for “Ill-Advised” Club Selection

August 13th, 2015

 

 

 

 

Violent outburst last straw as Tiger announces breakup

NEW ZEALAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)“I want to express my deepest gratitude to Stevie for all his help, but I think it’s time for a change,” Woods announced on TigerWoods.com. “Stevie is an outstanding caddie and a friend and has been instrumental in many of my accomplishments. I wish him great success in the future.”

Since the announcement, the golf world was buzzing as to the cause of the breakup. It’s now come out that Williams embarrassed the embattled golfer by using a sand wedge to pummel a vacationing Phoenix native he mistook for a Phil Mickelson fan — apparently not the first violent outburst from Tiger’s long-time caddie — during a charity event in the caddie’s native New Zealand.

 

The incident has a well known back story as one of the least well-guarded secrets on the PGA tour is the up and down relationship between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Ironically, it was the relationship between Tiger and Stevie Williams that took the hit when Williams made his feelings toward the world’s number five golfer known during the weekend event. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mound Visit Gets Awkward When Terry Collins Admits Knowing Whereabouts of Missing Bat Boy

August 12th, 2015
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Dead Batboy Era? Sort of.

FLUSHING, QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The pennant races are heating up. Often times traditional strategies are kicked to the curb for the unusual. However, even veteran New York Mets devotees were perplexed about halfway through the top of the fourth inning in yesterday’s 4-0 victory over the Colorado Rockies at CITI Field.

Manager Terry Collins wanted to have a little chat with starting hurler Matt Harvey. The oddly timed confab brought pitching coach Dan Warthen to the hill. That’s when Collins spilled the beans as to the whereabouts of missing bat boy, Danny Kesler.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Lockdown: Introducing TSD’s Sideline Reporter Ric “Word” Testaverde, Federal Inmate 18230-1113

August 11th, 2015

 

 

TSD’s “sideline” reporter, Ric Testaverde.

 

Ric “Word” Testaverde

First, a shout out to my boys over at the Daily. Taking a shot on an inmate ain’t no simple thing. I mean, anyone who been reading my shit for the past four years knows I got game. Of course if you’ve been reading my shit you’re doing time, unless you’re one of them fucked up cats that subscribe to prison rags – in which case you’re probably some fat, horny chick with a big ole ass hanging out of a thong who likes baking us them cakes that taste like burnt rubber and cotton balls. Big Sid over in Cell Block C, he sucks em down, me, I get one of them nasty ass things and I’m putting it under the pillow of some cat whose head I wanna see over a toilet bowl, puke pouring out like shit from a busted septic tank.

But I got to give the TSD dudes props – not just for giving me a shot, but hey, I’m out in three years and I’ll be looking for a steady gig. I been in five federal pens in the past eight years. The day I’m out first place I go is the Daily home office to thank the fellas and make a couple of calls. I got plans. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sportsman’s Daily Institutes Bold New Drug Policy; Employees Must Now Bring Their Own

August 10th, 2015

 

No Good Weed Goes Unfinished. TSD Human Resources Director, Rita Lopez inspects the source of inspiration destined for the writer’s lounge.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.

Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu. Read the rest of this entry »

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