BREAKING SPORTS

A TSD Classique: Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

March 27th, 2015

 

Former Minnesota Twins batboy Timmy Tanner captured in undated photo unleashing primal howl as he prepares to rip the arms off an unauthorized clubhouse visitor.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Barry Bonds isn’t the only one making steroids-related news.

Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.

Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.

“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star  catcher Joe Mauer when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?” Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Chris Berman Named Most Annoying Sports Figure in His Own House

March 26th, 2015

The Bermanator. His nicknames have forced one unfortunate fan to taking meds.

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chris Berman, longtime ESPN TV personality, is widely regarded as a knowledgeable sports broadcaster, but perhaps one of the most grating with his calls of “it could go…all…the…way” and “back, back, back.”

Fans have often complained of Berman’s histrionics, but according to Berman family members, the fans are the lucky ones. Read the rest of this entry »

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Jim Rome’s Clones Begin Attack on Earth; Toledo Ohio Sports Bar Leveled

March 25th, 2015

Clone Heads. Jim Rome’s clones have launched their assault on planet Earth!

TOLEDO, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) He hosts the most popular sports radio show in America.  Jim Rome, the veteran sports talker with the robotic delivery has dubbed his listeners “clones.” The radio industry has viewed the pet name as typical showmanship and paid no attention to the subtle, cryptic warnings regarding a convert, sinister plot Rome has planned for years. Yesterday that plot was put into motion as fourteen men marched into Zonar’s, a Toledo, Ohio sports bar with laser guns and destroyed it. Read the rest of this entry »

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Fan Brings Baseball Glove to NCAA Tourney in Hopes of Snagging Foul Basketball

March 23rd, 2015

Hoop, There It Is? No. The bizarre Cornelius Blake came up empty.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Wichita State’s dynamic run to the Sweet Sixteen has been special, but Cornelius Blake, one of the school’s freshmen, and math major was getting all the attention.

Blake received awkward stares when he brought his first baseman’s glove to the game in the hopes off snagging an errant basketball in the stands. He was seated in row F, seat 12 in section 110. “I had some good looks at a couple of balls, but I went home empty handed,” the bespectacled frosh quipped in what may be the most dazzling double entendre of the entire tournament. “I was disappointed — let’s just leave it at that.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Giant, Mutated John Stockton Emerges from Japanese Forest; Vows Return to NBA

March 20th, 2015

 

 

 

Heavy D. Mutated John Stockton displays defensive style he plans on bringing back to the NBA.

 

 

NEAR MOUNT FUJI, JAPAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the greatest point guards in NBA history, not much has been heard from former Utah Jazz great John Stockton since his 2003 retirement. That is until yesterday, when the once 6’1’’ player emerged from the dreaded Aokigahara forest at the base of Mount Fuji a stunning seventy feet tall.

“What’s happened to him? Jesus Howard Christ! What in God’s name has happened to him?” said Rick Adams, an American scientist studying fossils in Hokkaido. “Perhaps it’s some kind of Napoleon Complex thing. I know he was short, but talk about overcompensating. And those teeth.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Pharmacy Technician for CVS Insists He’s Sportscaster for CBS

March 19th, 2015

CVS Presents. CVS Pharmacy Technician Tyler “Scooter” Post waits to see whether a Thorazine refill is recovered from aisle four before making the call.

VALPARAISO, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Tyler “Scooter” Post, a pharmacy technician at a local Valparaiso Indiana CVS Pharmacy has taken prescription dispensing to a new level. The 25 year old Post, whose penchant for doing what he calls “play by play prescriptions” on the store’s PA system, has riled several customers who prefer to keep their health conditions private.

“Scooter’s certainly a colorful young man,” says Pharmacy Manager Alan Castle. “He’s wonderful behind the counter, and no one fills a bottle of cough syrup with as much aplomb as this kid, but for some reason he has an uncontrollable urge to snap into this sports announcer character who speaks mostly in the third person and goes really over the top when Mrs. (Bertha) Jenkins picks up her monthly supply of Cardizem.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Georgia Youth Puts Retractable Roof Over Backyard Baseball Field

March 18th, 2015
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The Roof Will Set You Free. Joey Parker and his teammates can now enjoy baseball in any kind of weather.

SAVANNAH, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Summer storm season has arrived early in the Southeast. That means the coastal Carolinas, Georgia and Florida can expect plenty of afternoon thunderstorms on a daily basis for the next few months.

“It sucks.” said Joey Parker, 12 year old team leader of his backyard baseball team. “By the time the guys come over to warm up, there’s an ominous, gathering sky that guarantees high winds, torrential downpours and dangerous lightning are just minutes away. Then we have to sit inside and wait it out, sipping on some of my mom’s lemonade and scarfing down some Totino’s® Pizza Rolls, while playing some grab ass with my sister Amanda’s friend Doreen. Quite frankly, it’s gotten tedious over the past three years. That’s when I approached my dad, who put up the money with some of his gambling buddies to build us this nice retractable roof you see right here.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Celtics’ Evil Leprechaun Terrorizes Locker Room

March 17th, 2015

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’. This smile means you’re through.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Boston Celtics have won five in a row and are still gunning for a slot in the post-season, but many Celtics players have stopped focusing on playing after what happened yesterday after their 108-89 victory over Philadelphia. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sportsman’s Daily Staying With Tradition; Will Issue NCAA Bracket Picks Immediately After Tournament Ends

March 16th, 2015

 

 

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No Fool in the Office Pool. TSD refuses to get caught up in the bracket hysteria and says it won’t issue it’s bracket until after tourney time.

BOCA RATON  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Sportsman’s Daily has announced today it will wait on filling out and issuing its NCAA brackets until after the tournament has ended.

 

“There’s a lot of uncertainty and lack of confidence around the world right now,” said TSD legal team member Howard Plotnick. “We think it wouldn’t be prudent to add to the global hysteria with inaccurate or irresponsible prognosticating. We realize there are some, perhaps in the traditional sports reporting outlets, who might suggest we’re hedging our bets, but I assure you, our interests are for our fans.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Bristol-Myers Squibb Recalls Cholesterol Fighting Ballpark Hot Dog

March 13th, 2015
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Clog With the Works. This dog may not clog your arteries, but it ain’t that great either.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Intended as a way to make an iconic ballpark food healthier, pharmaceutical giant, Bristol-Myers Squibb debuted a cholesterol fighting hot dog this week. Almost immediately, they’ve announced they will recall over twelve million frankfurters distributed to ten Major League parks after receiving thousands of complaints. Many who tried the wieners expressed dissatisfaction with the flavor, claiming it had a strong medicinal taste.

“Not to be a whiner, but fusing a bitter, metallic aftertaste with mustard and relish on an all beef frank isn’t exactly my idea of a pleasant afternoon at the yard.” said New York Mets fan Herb Lansing, of Brooklyn. “I appreciate the fellas over at Bristol-Myers Squibb trying to be all preventative and shit by putting the cholesterol fighting drug into the actual high cholesterol food and all, but they’re gonna need to go back to the drawing board on this one.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Diver Produces Actual Long Missing “Flare for the Dramatic”

March 12th, 2015

Flare Package. Preston Dodds with the elusive “Flare for the Dramatic”

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After tagging a solo homer in the tenth inning Wednesday leading the Dodgers to a 5-4 victory over the red hot Florida Marlins, right fielder Andre Ethier told reporters the elusive “flare for the dramatic must be near here somewhere.”

He was right.

Similar to renowned 19th century archaeologist Heinrich Schliemann using Homer’s “Odyssey” as his guide to unearth lost civilizations, divers acted on Ethier’s hunch and found the flare at 5:23AM Thursday morning in the Biscayne Bay.

“We had our suspicions,” said sports historian Connor Seagrave-Daley. “This team (Dodgers) has been struggling lately. So when Andre hit the game-winning homer, then accurately came to the conclusion the actual flare was in the general vicinity, that was good enough for us.”

“Flare for the dramatic” is a term that has long been used by sports writers to describe electrifying and sudden endings to sporting events. Very few people believed the flare was indeed real.

But Seagrave-Daley felt differently. Read the rest of this entry »

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Chip Kelly Makes Iranian President His New QB Coach Without League Approval

March 11th, 2015
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Offensive Move? Iranian President Hassan Rouhani calling the shots.

PHIALDELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Incumbent Iranian President, Hassan Rouhani, has been named the new Quarterbacks Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, in another shocking move by Head Coach/GM, Chip Kelly. Kelly has been under fire for the past week for the moves he’s made, the latest being trading quarterback Nick Foles, a second-round pick in 2016, and a fourth-round pick in 2015 for Sam Bradford and the Rams’ fifth-round pick in 2015.

“Look, I get it. I read the papers. I know a lot of people are scratching their heads,” Kelly said. “But I know what I’m doing. Hassan’s got a lot of interesting ideas, is a whiz with clock management, and in a pinch, knows what to do with enriched uranium. There’s a new NFL coming, and I’m proclaiming myself king.” Read the rest of this entry »

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