BREAKING SPORTS

Turkey Executed at Dawn Wins Camp David Football Pool

November 26th, 2014
One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Just minutes after President Obama pardoned “Flyer,” the National Thanksgiving Turkey, the President condemned another Turkey, named “Baker,” to die. Baker, whose final wish was to spend his last day with the First Famiy, was executed at dawn in a solemn ceremony attended by the President and First Lady. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Happy Thanksgiving

November 27th, 2014

From all of us at TSD: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

We will return on Monday, Dec 1.

TurkeyCartoon

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From the Archives: Roger Ailes Tours Xinhua News Agency: “There’s a Lot to Like”

November 25th, 2014

 

Fox News President admires Chinese news agency’s fawning coverage of its athletes. “Here, we have to be more fair and balanced — unless it involves a godless Democrat who looks French, favors the death tax and supports same-sex activity outside the sanctity of a bathroom stall.”

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Journalists with the Xinhua News Agency are hand-picked and indoctrinated to produce media reports that give the official point of view of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). While even Fox News’ most vocal detractors would admit that its hiring practices and training programs are several degrees short of those employed by the  CCP, Fox News chief Roger Ailes can dare to dream. After Ailes was given a (carefully) guided tour of the Xinhua newsroom (limiting his exposure to their sports reporting apparatus), he came away impressed with what he saw.

“Very professional and disciplined, always on message – a model we can all learn from,” said Ailes, the subject of a recent article in Rolling Stone that portrayed Ailes as a paranoid control freak.  “While I’d like to see our athletes covered in a more favorable light, their special effects department is second to none. I was watching an international competition where our girls compete on the uneven bars and I notice they all have six o’clock shadows and unnatural, uh, bulges – very deft Photoshop work.” Read the rest of this entry »

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NY Giants’ Tractor Trailer Struck By Fat, Runaway Pedestrian

November 24th, 2014

 

Semi-Tough. This 18 wheeler loses to fat guy. Poor Giants.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A tractor trailer carrying New York Giants sports apparel was struck by a large, drunk man after the man had enjoyed his eighth beer, tripped over some branches and rolled down an embankment. The man, Howard Harris, 48, of Wayne, New Jersey, weighs 546 pounds. The driver was slightly injured, but walked away from the accident.

“Once again we’re seeing how alcohol destroys lives,” said Police Chief Mark Barker. “This could have been a case of pedestrian homicide. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt, however several Eli Manning medium and large jerseys were lost.” Read the rest of this entry »

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TSD’s Resident Chimp Reprimanded for Unprofessional Behavior

November 19th, 2014

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles’ microwave episode in TSD’s lunchroom.

BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily  management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mo’ne Davis Receives Lifetime Achievement Award; Named President of Pennsylvania

November 18th, 2014
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You Are So Mo’ne! Davis continues to pile up the hardware.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a year few people in the spotlight would ever hope to attain, Little League wonder, Mo’ne Davis added another achievement to her long list of accomplishments. The thirteen year old pitcher, who appeared in this year’s Little League World Series, received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Baseball Writer’s Association of America. Read the rest of this entry »

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Gazpacho Vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets Games Can’t Understand Low Sales

November 17th, 2014

 

No Soup for Me! Apparently that’s all one vendor is hearing at Nationwide Arena in Columbus.

COLUMBUS, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Juan Del Santo has struggled to find work for two years, and is feeling the effects of a bleak economy. The former limo service owner who came to the United States from Spain in 1997, was forced to give up his business. He recently got part time work as a vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets games. Unfortunately for him, the Spanish soup Gazpacho, which is served cold, is not catching on as he’d hoped.

“I realize hockey arenas are cold and many people like to sip hot cocoa or coffee, but beer is cold, and people drink that.” said the disillusioned entrepreneur. “My Gazpacho is wonderful, it’s my grandmother Isabella’s recipe. It’s nutritious and delicious. Apparently folks here in the rust belt have difficulty kicking their nachos and footlong dogs to the curb for this Andalucian delicacy. Well, it’s their loss.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

November 14th, 2014

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)

— It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all.

Refusing to give up, he got right back on but fell off again almost immediately. Bontecou was stunned. He had completely lost the reference point for balance and clumsily tossed the bike back into the garage, stormed inside his home and poured himself a briming goblet of Grand Cru Schlossberg St. Catherine Cuvee L’Inedit, Domaine Weinbach 2003 as a confused Claude cried on the crumbling steps of their 18th century chateau. Read the rest of this entry »

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Giant Crab Emerges From Pacific and Does Battle With Blake Griffin

November 13th, 2014
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Fallout Boy. This radioactive, mutated fella met his match when he battled Clippers star, Blake Griffin.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over three years since the Fukishima Nuclear Plant disaster, but reports of mutated, mammoth sized (but very dead) sea creatures washing up on the California coast linger.

Others claim the incidents are flat out hoaxes or at the very least, overly hyped tales of much lesser events. But even the most skeptical of critics scratched their collective head when a creature some Japanese islanders call Ebhira, emerged near Redondo Beach late yesterday afternoon.  The nearly twenty story high crab surfaced in the churning waters and made a direct path for the Staples Center where the LA Clippers call home. Read the rest of this entry »

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Andy Reid Purportedly Has Near Life Experience

November 12th, 2014
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Life Reidings? Apparently there’s something happening.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach, Andy Reid unquestionably has his team in the thick of things this season, but life in the NFL changes every week, which may be a part of the reason for an extremely unusual occurrence that may be both physiological and paranormal.

“It appears the coach had a near life experience.” said Chiefs General Manager, John Dorsey. “We consider this a positive since no one has been able to get a pulse from him since 2008.”

Unlike a near death experience, where a person might have the not uncommon sense of crossing over to another dimension which some religious believers say could be an afterlife, the near life experience is infinitely more rare. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aid NBA’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-Threatening Choking Fit

November 10th, 2014

Argentine soap opera star turned basketball player Manu Ginobli demonstrates the well-honed theatrical chops that almost lead to his death yesterday. 

LOS ANGELES, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –  Manu Ginobli, the NBA’s most frequent and arguably most accomplished  flopper,  came perilously close to losing his life at a popular bistro yesterday afternoon.  In town for the second game of the Spurs-Clippers conference semi-final,  Ginobli was eating a tuna melt when something lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit. According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, an actor between roles. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, here in LA a flop is a movie that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: James Harden Admits to Being Lost Smith Brother

November 7th, 2014

Ahem. A truly Hardened cough.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His unconventional facial hair often overshadows his play, which is why the announcement made late last night isn’t the stunner he thought it would be. Houston Rockets guard James Harden is indeed the long lost brother of William and Andrew Smith, purveyors of the celebrated cherry throat lozenge.

“Ahh…now it all makes sense.” said former Oklahoma Thunder teammate Kevin Durant. “I just couldn’t understand why all the references to ‘those fucking Ludens.’”  Read the rest of this entry »

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