BREAKING SPORTS

World Champ Magnus Carlsen Suffers Career Threatening Chess Injury

April 29th, 2016
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One Hot Chess Mess. Magnus Carlsen has a long road back.

OSLO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Two minutes and thirty-four seconds into his exhibition match with the world’s 3rd ranked player, Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, the reigning world chess champion, Sven Magnus Øen Carlsen of Norway, tore several tendons while utilizing the famed La Boursonnais Maneuver. Initially, he played through the injury, but it was evident when he tried castling, something had gone horribly amiss.

“He let out a loud grunt, at first thought to be some sort of rarely employed Scandinavian gamesmanship, but it became obvious he was in excruciating pain.” said Salvatore “The Wrench” Brutico, Italy’s top ranked player.  Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

A TSD Classique: Mr. Met Admits He Does Porn

April 28th, 2016

 

Met Me in St. Louis! This undated photo clearly shows Mr. Met hitting his mark in one of his early porn efforts shot while the team was on the road playing the Cardinals. Met, who doesn’t often travel with the team, insisted at the time the trip was only about baseball.

FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— In a shocking development that occurred late last night, ownership announced that long time Mets mascot Mr. Met has been fired.

Met (Metropolitan), who has delighted fans of all ages for generations, apparently also delighted in making hardcore adult films during the off season. Met produced and directed many of the films he starred including Getting to Third, My Head Is a Ball, and Between the Stitches Part IV.

“He set up shop in Brooklyn,” said Mets spokesperson Jerry Kellerman. “It was a fairly sophisticated operation and perfectly legal by the way, but we just can’t employ a mascot who runs around the stadium handing out refrigerator magnets to moms, dads, and nine year olds during a home stand then turning around and having women dressed as ball girls double tonguing his taint.” Read the rest of this entry »

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George “Set Shot” Slavish Dies During Unspectacular Open Court Layup

April 26th, 2016

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Charles Barkley’s Rapid Weight Loss Goes Awry

April 25th, 2016

 

 

Melt into Svelt. Sir Charles on Weight Watchers.

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former NBA star and current basketball analyst, Charles Barkley’s Weight Watchers® campaign is getting men to rethink their waistlines. But the former Auburn stalwart didn’t expect a side effect that has taken it’s toll.

“I’m thinning out like a motherfucker.” said Barkley. “Nothing fits anymore. My family and friends don’t recognize me. Children run screaming in the other direction when I walk down the street.”

Barkely has lost nearly 290 pounds in four weeks reducing his once intimidating frame to a skeletal 17 pounds.

Weight Watchers® administrators are terrified. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Dickish, Know-It-All Fan From Upper Deck Promoted to Major League Umpire

April 22nd, 2016

Umpire Strikes Back. In a manner of speaking.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chuck Stapinski, one of several traveling dickheads who populate the upper decks at baseball parks across the country was informed last night that he will be called up to the Major Leagues as an umpire.

Last season, during a Dodgers-Mets game at Dodgers Stadium, Stapinski, 58, rode home plate umpire Mark Carlson hard, questioning the fourteen year MLB veteran’s strike zone. Stapinski, who claims only to be a baseball fan without allegiance to any particular team, sat in section 434 of the upper deck in left field, and insisted he had a bird’s eye view of every pitch.  In the 7th inning, Carlson had clearly had enough and temporarily halted play, pointing to Stapinski to come down to the field. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: T&A on Ice: NHL to Bring Cheerleading on Par with NFL and NBA

April 21st, 2016

 

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league.

“For years we tried increasing the level of graphic violence, from having goalies go without masks long after the technology was available to making sure every team had at least one thug capable of turning a ten foot radius of ice into a patch of freshly chilled blood,” said Bettman during a news conference where he made the announcement. “Fans across North America couldn’t get enough of it, but today we’re competing with the NBA and NFL for a share of the global entertainment dollar. While some NHL teams have put some quality T&A on ice, it’s clear we need to upgrade the product league-wide to compete with the more established NBA and NFL cheerleading squads.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Researchers Harvest Athletes’ Brains for Ghoulish Concussion Study

April 19th, 2016

A serially concussed brain is a terrible thing to waste.

ST. JOHN’S, ANTIGUA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Since Boston University’s School of Medicine announced a special program devoted to studying the he long-term effects of concussions,  a number of retired NFL players have agreed to leave their brains to the center for study.  TSD has now learned that researchers from an unaccredited medical school located in Antigua have been harvesting brains from former athletes within hours of their death. The cadavers include both professional and amateur athletes, ranging from former NFL linemen to sixty-five year old Rick “Beanhead” Templeton, a softball legend who was known to crash head-first into a beer keg after clubbing a round tripper.

The jars containing the brains were found in an industrial refrigerator by a night watchmen employed by the Caribbean island’s medical center. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Satan to Finally Cut All Ties, Endorsements with Jerry Sandusky

April 15th, 2016

What the Hell? Jerry Sandusky’s perplexed by the news Satan is dropping him.

HELL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Satan, also known as the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Father of Lies and Prince of Darkness, an early supporter of former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, has announced he will cut ties with the convicted child molester.

“It’s really in our best interest down here to just wipe the slate clean and let Jerry go on his merry way.” chimed Satan. “After all, we do have our standards. I’d like to add parenthetically that I’ve placed a curse on him just for shits and giggles. He’ll experience extreme abdominal discomfort and poo some rusty pins. It’s an oldie but a goodie.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Four Out of Five NASCAR Drivers Depend on DEPEND®

April 14th, 2016

 

Official NASCAR waste retardant/leak inhibitor eliminates unnecessary pit stops.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —  Auto racing is a classic nature vs. machine contest in more ways than one. Indeed, one of the central mysteries of auto racing — one of its most guarded secrets — is how drivers answer the call of nature. Specifically, as they remain strapped in for miles and miles with intermittent pit stops for tire and oil changes, how do they manage to relieve themselves, as even the shortest trips to the head can cost the driver and his team precious seconds — time that can prove decisive when microseconds separate first from second place.

It turns out that adult diapers – or “adult absorption products” — are a staple of NASCAR. According to Bobby Ray Ellison, a senior member of Jeff Gordon’s pit crew, “You’re driving for several hours, lap after lap after lap, in a hot car, keeping yourself hydrated. You can hold it in for only so long. And what are you gonna do, take 30 seconds to hit the head when races are decided by milliseconds? Hell no. You’re gonna pee in your pants, which are specially equipped to absorb up to two quarts of urine.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Nats’ Asst. Clubhouse Manager’s Domineering Mother Won’t Leave Locker Room

April 12th, 2016
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Mom’s the Word. Mother won’t take the hint.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals Assistant Clubhouse Manager, Nathan Landers, preps players’ lockers, cleans uniforms, and makes sure everything is in order for the team both at home and on the road. He owes much of his organizational skills to his mom, Dorothy. Though he acknowledges his mother’s attention to detail, he also claims she was an overprotective, manipulative nuisance during his childhood and adolescence, and still nags the 41 year old MLB employee on a daily basis with texts, phone calls, emails, and even hand written letters. Now, she’s taken things a step further.   Read the rest of this entry »

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Doppelgänger: TV Host and Masters Champ

April 11th, 2016

Scary Stuff. TV Host and Actor, Joel McHale (Top) and newly jacketed Masters champion, Danny Willett bearing a striking resemblance.

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THE MASTERS: Guy Who Always Yells “Get in the Hole” Is Placed in Large Hole

April 11th, 2016
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It’s In the Hole! And there he’ll stay.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Springtime in Georgia means The Masters.  And the first leg of the grand slam always seems to feature all the spectacular drama one would expect with exciting headlines like “Danny Seems to Willett.” Then there’s the story of Larry Barker.

Barker, perhaps the most annoying fan the sport has known, was again unable to control is bombastic “get in the hole” chants, especially with Smith hitting off the tee.

After repeated pleas to stop, angered Augusta National officials had no choice but to place the 41 year old unemployed lumberjack in a deep hole. Read the rest of this entry »

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