October 6th, 2015
Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.
SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.
“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. Read the rest of this entry »
October 5th, 2015
Look Who’s Jacked! The Phillies really think they can make the Pre-season in ’16.
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Phillies have endured one of the worst years in their history. Though they avoided a 100-loss season, finishing at 63-99, the team had some of their poorest stretches and offensive droughts in decades. Their lack of power was stunning. However, a few bright spots did shine through, giving them a modicum of hope for the future. Now, the team is feeling confident they’ll be asked to come to Spring Training in Clearwater, Florida next February. Read the rest of this entry »
October 2nd, 2015
Grinning cyclist Vince Smith has little to smile about as allegations of steriod use prompt suspension from USA Development Team. Smith’s attorney claims client’s innocence: “Can anyone explain why during the time he was supposed to have taken performance-enhancing drugs his performance steadily deteriorated?”
Colorado Springs, CO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Twenty one year old Smith, a highly touted young cyclist from Portland, Oregon has been suspended from the USA Cycling Development Team pending a full review of his medical history. The news came as a shock to team members who claim to have seen no hints or signs of drug use.
“Since I’ve known him he was your prototypical cyclist — lean, compact, sinewy,” said Todd Springer, a cyclist with the USA Development Team. “Some of us noticed the almost overnight increase in the size of his thighs, chest and arms. But drug use was the furthest thing from our mind — after all, increased muscle mass is not what you want when you’re looking to improve your aerodynamics.”
Team officials were also caught by surprise. Read the rest of this entry »
October 1st, 2015
Hate to eat and sun. But… little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixin’s.
FORT LAUDERDALE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time. And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen. Read the rest of this entry »
September 29th, 2015
Kill Bills. Rex makes his point the hard way.
ORCHARD PARK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A motivated Rex Ryan said at the outset of this season that he was confident in his Buffalo Bills this year. But the veteran coach was seething after Sunday’s devastating 41-14 win in Miami Sunday. “Giving up 14 points is obviously unacceptable. I prefer shutouts. It starts with the coaches.” he said. “The players — they’ve got to dig deep, look down at themselves.”
Ryan then added, “I didn’t mean wave an Echo® CS341 chainsaw recklessly around the sidelines midway through the fourth quarter, but I just felt I owed it to the guys. Sadly, in the name of making a point, a few limbs were lost. They’ll just have to man up and walk that shit off.” Read the rest of this entry »
September 28th, 2015
Miami Dolphins present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz. Organization makes it clear that Schultz’ retirement is binding and irreversible.
DELRAY BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Dan Schultz, a fifty-five year old engineer and fanatical Dolphin fan from Delray Beach, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 45 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.
“I know everyone’s surprised, but I’ve been planning this for years. You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits. It’s time. You want to go out on your own terms, before the team starts to go bad and you still have your health.”
Word of Schultz’s retirement caught many by surprise.
“Frankly, I wasn’t even aware Dan followed the Dolphins,” said Burt Schottenheimer, a colleague. “Monday morning we’d be talking about the game and then Dan would suddenly appear just on the periphery. I don’t recall Dan ever saying boo, even after a particularly bad loss. We’d just notice him off to the side, pacing, silently fuming, with that far-away look in his eye. With Dan you knew just to smile and keep your movements to a minimum.” Read the rest of this entry »
September 25th, 2015
What a Stinker! Anders Rasmussen, one of Denmark’s top professional fisherman stands with the fountainhead of the rotten smell that’s perplexed Danes for years. The fish was remarkably well preserved.
COPENHAGEN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)“There’s something rotten in Denmark.” You’ve heard older people say that ever since you could remember.
But who among us has contemplated what it really means? Was it ever really explained to you? Conventional wisdom dictates it means “someone’s up to no good.”
Granted, the phrase was shortened from the original “something’s rotten in the state of Denmark” from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, but no one can deny that the phrase, though a bit dated, took on a life of its own – as evidenced by the line’s use in day to day conversations in the English speaking world. When something was out of sorts – no matter what the platform, Denmark generally got the blame. Read the rest of this entry »
September 24th, 2015
According to James Lipton, the insufferable boot-licking host of Actors Studio, NBA “acting” would embarrass even William Shatner.
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — There was a time when drama meant a game that went down to the final seconds. Now, it just as often refers to the amateurish over-acting of NBA drama queens who wouldn’t know Constantin Stanislavski from Peja Stoyakavich. James Lipton, the famously finicky host of Actor’s Studio, says that instead of working the refs, the NBA’s most blatant offenders should spend more time working on their “lamentably under-developed” acting chops. Lipton believes the “epidemic” of lousy acting is making an NBA game harder to sit through than a Steven Seagall movie. “The so-called acting we’re seeing out there on the floor is just abominable – where’s the motivation, where’s the inner anguish…it’s all just externalized claptrap without the emotional ballast that underpins a credible performance,” sniffed Lipton. “The primal shrieks, girlish gasps, absurd flopping, the wide-eyed looks of disbelief, the ironic smirks…bad, bad, bad. Just abysmal.” Lipton shuddered as though he’d just wakened to find himself in a pornographic Ed Wood film. “I’m not saying you can turn Kevin Garnett into Denzel Washington overnight,” said Lipton, “but with training, a Nicholas Cage-caliber performance is well within reach. Let’s face it, a Celtics-Heat game ain’t Shakespeare, but let’s not turn it into a poorly dubbed Japanese horror flick with turnovers, mental lapses and shoddy fourth quarter execution in the final reel.” Read the rest of this entry »
September 22nd, 2015
All Is “Air” In Love. Call of the day kinda sucks.
DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Things to do in Denver when you’re dead might include an on air divorce. Afternoon sports talk show host Lamar Young of 104.3 The Fan, took a call from a woman named Caroline, a name that’s shared by his wife. When the caller said “I wanna divorce” Young knew immediately it actually was his wife. She then followed the dramatic declaration quickly with the old caller standby, “I’ll hang up and listen.” She hung up and listened.
A stunned Young fumbled a bit before announcing to his audience that his wife had obviously discovered his betting slips which he thought he’d carefully concealed in some ceiling tiles. Read the rest of this entry »
September 21st, 2015
Play Zappa! It’s the 7th-inning stretch folks!
LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Take Me Out to the Ball Game has been a seventh-inning stretch tradition for generations. Along with Happy Birthday, it is perhaps the most familiar sing-along most everyone know the words to.
But, like a nation grows weary of a stale scandal, this supposed time-tested tune is being replaced.
“Borrrring,” said 74 year old Stan Siricki. “Personally I feel just like every other self-respecting baseball fan does. Give us more Frank Zappa.” Read the rest of this entry »
September 18th, 2015
Takin’ Out the Trash. The Cousins family before things become unhinged.
DAYTONA BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Thousands of thrill seeking fans at Daytona International Speedway and the ground shaking roar of stock cars traveling at breakneck speeds certainly generates high decibels of sound; but apparently not enough to drown out the noisy shenanigans emanating from the Lucky Lad Trailer Park next door to the famed race track.
Tyler Meldau, spokesman for the track has had to call in the police on several occasions to quell the deafening noise, but so far the parties, domestic disputes, and drug deal crossfire continues. Read the rest of this entry »