BREAKING SPORTS

Lou Piniella Tears Zambrano A New A**hole

July 2nd, 2009

 

Oh Baby!!! Carlos Zambrano, screaming in pain after delivering a pitch, is slowly making the transition to throwing from the mound after he was torn a new asshole.

Oh Baby!!! Carlos Zambrano, screaming in pain after delivering a pitch, is slowly making the transition to throwing from the mound after he was torn a new asshole.

 

 

Procedure Called a First in Sports

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – It’s been a trying year for the Cubs. Playing sub-500 ball and separating teammates in the dugout and locker room has cast a pall on the Windy City team. Manager Lou Piniella said he’s found the whole thing frustrating, but not nearly as frustrating as it will be for his pitcher Carlos Zambrano. That’s because the Chicago ace is recovering and adjusting to life after being torn a new asshole by Piniella. Located on his left buttock, Zambrano’s new asshole was clearly visible to beat reporters who we’re in the locker room for post-game interviews. Zambrano exited the shower amid whispers, snickers and snorts from teammates and coaches as he slowly got dressed choosing to not speak with reporters. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Wait Till AFTER DARK to Set Off the Works!

July 3rd, 2009

fireworks1

We break down the Perfect Independence Day Cuisine. We offer Fireworks for the budget-minded. And the story of how one TSDer nearly had a Deliverance moment with his fireworks stash. It’s all in AFTER DARK.

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NBA’s Luc Richard Mbah a Moute Finally Gets Candy Bar Named in His Honor

July 1st, 2009

 

Forward Thinking Chocolate. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute's candy bar in production.

Forward Thinking Chocolate. Luc Richard Mbah a Moute's candy bar in production.

 

 

MILWAUKEE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With arguably the hardest name to pronounce in the NBA, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of the Milwaukee Bucks is excited to unveil his brand new candy bar, The Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, which will be manufactured and distributed by the Johns Candy Company in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. 

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Check Out Philly Gameday for Some Laughs Philadelphia Style

July 1st, 2009

phillyskyline

Once in a while we’ll stumble onto sports satire sites.  A lot of them give it the old college try, but fall short.  Others just flat out stink.  From time to time, we’ll find something worth mentioning. 

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TSD Opinion: So I Guess They Really Were Better Back in the Day

July 1st, 2009

 

 

Holy Crap!  This guy was good. Philly A's Al Simmons.

Holy Crap! This guy was good. Philly A's Al Simmons.

 

Around 1995 or so I was wondering why baseball players never seemed to put up the incredible stats we saw in the first half of the 20th century. Read the rest of this entry »

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Rockets Teammates Smoke Yao’s Private Stash of Chinese Herbs Used to Treat Career-Threatening Foot Injury

July 1st, 2009
Yao on teammates dipping into his herbal stash: "I'm happy to share, it is Chinese way, but if only they would have asked first...then I would have told them where to get the good shit."

Yao on teammates dipping into his herbal stash: "I'm happy to share, it is Chinese way, but if only they would have asked first...then I would have told them where to get the good shit."

“A very mellow buzz, reminiscent of sensimillia grown in upper altitudes… but after fifteen minutes you’re hungry for more.”

HOUSTON, TX. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —  In Houston to get a second and third opinion on his fractured left foot, Houston Rocket’s center Yao Ming received a package containing an assortment of ancient herbal remedies delivered by Chinese officials hoping to facilitate his recovery from what several medical doctors say may be a career-ending injury.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Juilliard to Add Football Program in 2011; Renowned Cellist Yo-Yo Ma to Lead Search Committee for Head Coach

June 30th, 2009

Juilliard freshman Gunther Paulsson displays "game face" before taking the field for intra-campus exhibition football game. Paulsson plans on trying out for a position on the team's offensive line, where his heft, booming baritone and heroic golden pigtails are best suited.

Juilliard freshman Gunther Paulsson displays "game face" before taking the field for intra-campus exhibition football game. Paulsson plans on trying out for a position on the team's offensive line, where his heft, booming baritone and heroic golden pigtails are best suited.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— If you can knock out two flawless etudes, break off a dazzling solo and nail a representative sampling of standard orchestral excerpts – all under the withering scrutiny of the school’s famously demanding faculty — you stand a chance of playing Juilliard football in the fall of 2011. With more musical prodigies per square inch than perhaps anywhere else on earth, Juilliard is the last place one would expect to have a football program. Read the rest of this entry »

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Tigers Even Series with 6-3 Win; Gehrig Leaves Five Men on Base, Ruth Strands Three Hookers in Scoring Position

June 30th, 2009

A visibly shaken Ruth leaves upscale brothel all tweeted out.

A visibly shaken Ruth leaves upscale brothel all tweeted out.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The heart of the Yankees’ fearsome lineup failed to perform in clutch situations, resulting in a 6-3 loss to Ty Cobb’s Tigers, and an even more humiliating defeat at the hands – and waiting thighs – of Detroit’s three mostly highly coveted (and compensated) call girls. Read the rest of this entry »

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Despondent Michael Jackson Fans Turn Hopes and Dreams to Reggie Jackson

June 28th, 2009

 

 

Beat It.  "Please," says Reggie Jackson. "I'm not who you think I am."

Beat It. "Please," says Reggie Jackson. "I'm not who you think I am."

 

 

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he’s been away from the game of baseball for over twenty years, and has virtually no background in music, Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson has found himself the surrogate icon for millions of music fans devastated by the death of Michael Jackson last week.

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TSD After Dark is Ready for Friday

June 26th, 2009

michael-jackson

After Dark asks “Why do they always die in threes?” A look and listen to a classic TV theme song. And there’s actually a guy who didn’t know where he was when JFK was shot. It’s all here. 

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Tigers Beat Yankees 5-3, Down 2-1 in Sim Series;Glitch in TSD’s Satire Algorithm Hurls Cobb Forward in Time; Notorious Racist Freaked to Learn US President is Black

June 26th, 2009

Uncharacteristically scared and confused, Ty Cobb races home with the 21st century at his back.

Uncharacteristically scared and confused, Ty Cobb races home with the 21st century at his back.

DETROIT (Special to Sportsman’s Daily and What If Sports) Shortly after Ty Cobb’s Tigers notched their first win in Game Three of the Sim Series, beating Babe Ruth’s 1932 Yankees 5-3, the legendary slugger found himself outside Tiger Stadium wandering unfamiliar streets where strange vehicles purred and “people of color” roamed free, unbowed and unhumbled.  Dazed and a bit confused, Cobb sought to regain his bearings and staggered into a public men’s room, where blacks relieved themselves with whites, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. He then found himself at a luncheonette where he was shocked to find people of color seated at the counter, being served as though they were Caucasians. Read the rest of this entry »

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South Philly Guy Gets Balls Busted About His Extensive Soccer Knowledge

June 25th, 2009

 

Sucker for Soccer. Angelo Venuti can't get enough MLS.

Sucker for Soccer. Angelo Venuti can't get enough MLS.

 

 

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Angelo Venuti is a bona fide Philadelphia sports fan. He loves the Eagles, Phillies, Sixers, and Flyers. But lately those in his circle of friends have grown concerned over what seems to be his disproportionate knowledge of professional soccer.  

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