TSD’s Resident Chimp Reprimanded for Unprofessional Behavior

November 19th, 2014

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles’ microwave episode in TSD’s lunchroom.

BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily  management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mo’ne Davis Receives Lifetime Achievement Award; Named President of Pennsylvania

November 18th, 2014

You Are So Mo’ne! Davis continues to pile up the hardware.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a year few people in the spotlight would ever hope to attain, Little League wonder, Mo’ne Davis added another achievement to her long list of accomplishments. The thirteen year old pitcher, who appeared in this year’s Little League World Series, received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Baseball Writer’s Association of America. Read the rest of this entry »

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Gazpacho Vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets Games Can’t Understand Low Sales

November 17th, 2014


No Soup for Me! Apparently that’s all one vendor is hearing at Nationwide Arena in Columbus.

COLUMBUS, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Juan Del Santo has struggled to find work for two years, and is feeling the effects of a bleak economy. The former limo service owner who came to the United States from Spain in 1997, was forced to give up his business. He recently got part time work as a vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets games. Unfortunately for him, the Spanish soup Gazpacho, which is served cold, is not catching on as he’d hoped.

“I realize hockey arenas are cold and many people like to sip hot cocoa or coffee, but beer is cold, and people drink that.” said the disillusioned entrepreneur. “My Gazpacho is wonderful, it’s my grandmother Isabella’s recipe. It’s nutritious and delicious. Apparently folks here in the rust belt have difficulty kicking their nachos and footlong dogs to the curb for this Andalucian delicacy. Well, it’s their loss.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

November 14th, 2014

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)

— It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all.

Refusing to give up, he got right back on but fell off again almost immediately. Bontecou was stunned. He had completely lost the reference point for balance and clumsily tossed the bike back into the garage, stormed inside his home and poured himself a briming goblet of Grand Cru Schlossberg St. Catherine Cuvee L’Inedit, Domaine Weinbach 2003 as a confused Claude cried on the crumbling steps of their 18th century chateau. Read the rest of this entry »

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Giant Crab Emerges From Pacific and Does Battle With Blake Griffin

November 13th, 2014

Fallout Boy. This radioactive, mutated fella met his match when he battled Clippers star, Blake Griffin.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over three years since the Fukishima Nuclear Plant disaster, but reports of mutated, mammoth sized (but very dead) sea creatures washing up on the California coast linger.

Others claim the incidents are flat out hoaxes or at the very least, overly hyped tales of much lesser events. But even the most skeptical of critics scratched their collective head when a creature some Japanese islanders call Ebhira, emerged near Redondo Beach late yesterday afternoon.  The nearly twenty story high crab surfaced in the churning waters and made a direct path for the Staples Center where the LA Clippers call home. Read the rest of this entry »

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Andy Reid Purportedly Has Near Life Experience

November 12th, 2014

Life Reidings? Apparently there’s something happening.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach, Andy Reid unquestionably has his team in the thick of things this season, but life in the NFL changes every week, which may be a part of the reason for an extremely unusual occurrence that may be both physiological and paranormal.

“It appears the coach had a near life experience.” said Chiefs General Manager, John Dorsey. “We consider this a positive since no one has been able to get a pulse from him since 2008.”

Unlike a near death experience, where a person might have the not uncommon sense of crossing over to another dimension which some religious believers say could be an afterlife, the near life experience is infinitely more rare. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aid NBA’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-Threatening Choking Fit

November 10th, 2014

Argentine soap opera star turned basketball player Manu Ginobli demonstrates the well-honed theatrical chops that almost lead to his death yesterday. 

LOS ANGELES, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –  Manu Ginobli, the NBA’s most frequent and arguably most accomplished  flopper,  came perilously close to losing his life at a popular bistro yesterday afternoon.  In town for the second game of the Spurs-Clippers conference semi-final,  Ginobli was eating a tuna melt when something lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit. According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, an actor between roles. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, here in LA a flop is a movie that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: James Harden Admits to Being Lost Smith Brother

November 7th, 2014

Ahem. A truly Hardened cough.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His unconventional facial hair often overshadows his play, which is why the announcement made late last night isn’t the stunner he thought it would be. Houston Rockets guard James Harden is indeed the long lost brother of William and Andrew Smith, purveyors of the celebrated cherry throat lozenge.

“Ahh…now it all makes sense.” said former Oklahoma Thunder teammate Kevin Durant. “I just couldn’t understand why all the references to ‘those fucking Ludens.’”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Astronomers Confirm CC Sabathia Is Moving One Quarter Inch Per Year

November 5th, 2014


The Inertia of Sabathia? From space, traceable movement has been detected.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Astronomers from the Palomar Observatory astro-physics lab located at the California Institute of Technology have discovered that New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia is moving one quarter inch per year, confirming the find yesterday afternoon.  Bogged down by an ever expanding belly an insatiable appetite for carbohydrates, Sabbathia has been rumored to have moved in the past.

“Though undetectable with the naked eye, we can confirm that Mr. Sabathia is actually moving.” said Dr. Conrad Dimler. “I would describe his movement as glacial, but that would be an insult to glaciers. Bottom line, we’re talking about a very large human being with exceptionally slow locomotion – about a quarter inch over a twelve month cycle. We feel that if he were to shed say, twelve metric tons, we may see a noticeable increase in movement. We’re observing his polar caps next.”

Yankees manager Joe Girardi was thrilled to learn Sabathia is in motion. Read the rest of this entry »

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Geeky ESPN Graphics Whiz Admits to Green Screening Erin Andrews into His Bedroom

November 4th, 2014

Lean and Green. The lovely Erin Andrews has been green-screened onto Melvin Frisbee’s bed, where he imagines himself seducing her in his own personal Star Trek episode.

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Melvin Frisbee has been the man behind many of ESPN’s more impressive digital graphics effects for the past two years. But on Tuesday Frisbee admitted to his bosses there was something he could no longer keep secret.

The twenty-seven year old CGI whiz has been green-screening ESPN sports reporter Erin Andrews into his bedroom since August, 2009. Green-screening, a longtime television visual effect, allows the subject in front of a camera to appear to be anywhere – depending on the background that is chosen. Read the rest of this entry »

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George “Set Shot” Slavish Dies During Unspectacular Open Court Layup

November 3rd, 2014

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. Read the rest of this entry »

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Bumgarner Warns Isis Hopefuls They’re All Doomed by His Pinpoint Grenade Tossing

October 30th, 2014

Tossing Heat. Madison Bumgarner shows opponents what’s in store.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Immediately after leading his San Francisco Giants to their third World Series title in five years, Fall Classic MVP, Madison Bumgarner hopped a supersonic transport to an undisclosed location inside Isis’ Syrian stronghold. The 25 year old pitching ace warned aspiring terrorists in training that they had no chance against his pinpoint accuracy and blazing out pitch — a grenade that appears to be away from you, then suddenly breaks inside and rises, reducing your head to “so many chunks of stew-like meat with bones.” Read the rest of this entry »

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