BREAKING SPORTS

NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2015

July 30th, 2014

Gimme an H!! And whatever loose change you’ve got handy. Jimmy Casey attended the School of Hard Knocks in the early 70’s and is thrilled to see his alma mater finally field a football team.

Deprived Fans of Both Schools Finally Getting Gridiron Programs

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Thrilled” is how one Electoral College fan put it. “Finally” is what a School of Hard Knocks booster said while enjoying a steaming bowl of gruel. In a move that has been long overdue, two great American institutions have gotten the go ahead to field football teams for the 2015 season. They’ll play their first game on September 3rd.

“What better way to debut both teams than oppose each other in their inaugural game?” said Carter Miller, an elector from the sprawling campus of the Electoral College. “I can hardly wait till kick off.”

Students, faculty, and boosters from both schools received the news Sunday evening. At the Electoral College, electors were having their monthly black tie gala when Albert Kensington asked the orchestra to stop playing so he could make the announcement amid polite applause and champagne corks popping. At the School of Hard Knocks, word spread quickly when Leo Delaney carved the news with a knife on the long decaying naked body of Herb Casterline after hearing about it on the school’s 1939 Zenith radio. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share
BELOW THE FOLD

As Trade Deadline Looms, “Player to Be Named Later” Has Trouble Sleeping

July 29th, 2014

“Auto” matic Out? Most probably. But James Czyzmenick still says he’s ready to leave his day job.

PRINGLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happens every year. Baseball teams evaluate their seasons and have to decide whether they’re going to be buyers or sellers before the July 31st trade deadline.

The usual suspects, the Yankees, Red Sox, Ddogers, and Angels are all prepared to buy again in 2014. The Astros, Phillies, and Mets seem to be more than willing to cough up their blue chippers for the right price.

Still, there are no guarantees that certain coveted missing pieces are going to change addresses – except for one.

James Czyzmenick. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

TSD Look Back: Press Conference Turns Awkward as Philllies GM Amaro Texts Lee’s Wife Recommendations of Movies She Should See

July 28th, 2014

I’m French Texting Your Wife. Ruben Amaro is all smiles as Lee babbles on.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Phillies love affair with pitcher Cliff Lee got a bit uncomfortable yesterday afternoon before a throng of Philadelphia media while Lee was answering questions. Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro began texting Lee’s wife Kristen a list of movies, including foreign films, he feels would broaden her horizons.

“At first I thought it was kind of sweet,” said Kristen Lee. “But then it got a little creepy when I’m suddenly inundated with a list of classic films from the French New Wave period. He went on and on and on about La Grande Vadrouille and how unappreciated Yves Montand was in America and how I reminded him of Bridget Bardot and how we could perhaps steal away to a bistro on a rainy Sunday afternoon for croissants with marmalade and sparkling water. Had I known he was gonna be such a Francophile, we might have stayed in Texas. No offense to the French or anything, but I prefer a good burger or wings while watching anything by Judd Apatow.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

A TSD Classique: Larry Bynon, 49 Year Old Inventor of Paper Football Loses Eye in Freak Field Goal Mishap

July 25th, 2014

 

Eye Formation. Larry Bynon lost an eye for the game he helped invent.

BLAIRSTOWN, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Amos Alonzo Stagg. Pop Warner. George Halas. These men were architects of the great game known as American Football. But it is perhaps Larry Bynon who has had the greatest impact on nearly three generations of young football loving boys in school cafeterias and study halls across this country. Bynon, who is largely regarded as the father of Paper Football suffered a devastating injury while demonstrating the game he created over forty years ago to a group of fourth graders in his hometown of Blairstown, New Jersey. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Jim Rome’s Clones Begin Attack on Earth; Toledo Ohio Sports Bar Leveled

July 24th, 2014

Clone Heads. Jim Rome’s clones have launched their assault on planet Earth!

TOLEDO, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) He hosts the most popular sports radio show in America.  Jim Rome, the veteran sports talker with the robotic delivery has dubbed his listeners “clones.” The radio industry has viewed the pet name as typical showmanship and paid no attention to the subtle, cryptic warnings regarding a convert, sinister plot Rome has planned for years. Yesterday that plot was put into motion as fourteen men marched into Zonar’s, a Toledo, Ohio sports bar with laser guns and destroyed it. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

DBacks Infielder Chris Owings Falls Off Cliff; Suddenly Reappears in Next Inning

July 23rd, 2014
33a2e7c0c-1

Cliffhanger. Chris Owings named comeback player of the year.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) You’ve seen it in cartoons time and time again, now Arizona Diamondbacks shortstop, Chris Owings is bringing the innovative stunt to the big leagues. Owings needed to use the restroom between the bottom of the fourth and top of the fifth innings during Tuesday night’s 5-4 victory over the Detroit Tigers. Somehow he got off course, and wound up outside the Phoenix metroplex in a nearby desert area. He spotted what appeared to be a roadrunner and decided to chase it for kicks. Before he knew it, he had hurtled himself off a 123 foot cliff, hovered in the air a moment, just long enough to hold up a homemade sign that read “Oh, shit!” then plummeted to a sure death, winding up in a puff of smoke (see accompanying artist’s rendering). Miraculously, Owings ran out to field his position seemingly unharmed after a brief suspension of play.  Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

A TSD Classique: Roger Ailes Tours Xinhua News Agency: “There’s a Lot to Like”

July 22nd, 2014

 

Fox News President admires Chinese news agency’s fawning coverage of its athletes. “Here, we have to be more fair and balanced — unless it involves a godless Democrat who looks French, favors the death tax and supports same-sex activity outside the sanctity of a bathroom stall.”

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Journalists with the Xinhua News Agency are hand-picked and indoctrinated to produce media reports that give the official point of view of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). While even Fox News’ most vocal detractors would admit that its hiring practices and training programs are several degrees short of those employed by the  CCP, Fox News chief Roger Ailes can dare to dream. After Ailes was given a (carefully) guided tour of the Xinhua newsroom (limiting his exposure to their sports reporting apparatus), he came away impressed with what he saw.

“Very professional and disciplined, always on message – a model we can all learn from,” said Ailes, the subject of a recent article in Rolling Stone that portrayed Ailes as a paranoid control freak.  “While I’d like to see our athletes covered in a more favorable light, their special effects department is second to none. I was watching an international competition where our girls compete on the uneven bars and I notice they all have six o’clock shadows and unnatural, uh, bulges – very deft Photoshop work.”

Ailes was particularly impressed with the powers the news agency attributes to the Communist leadership. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

After Missing British Open Cut, Tiger Woods Loses to Little Billy Jensen at Windmill Hole

July 21st, 2014

 

 

Run of the Mill. Tiger fell apart at the infamous windmill.

 

SAVANNAH, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of not making the cut at the British Open, a long struggling Tiger Woods was hoping to lift his spirits with a game of miniature golf at Silly Shotz Miniature Golf Course.

His opponent was nine year old Billy Jensen of nearby Eulonia.

Woods stayed even with Jensen through seven holes, then took the lead by getting a hole in one through the clown’s mouth prompting his patented fist pump which thrilled the gathering gallery who cheered the fallen golf star’s every move. But once again it all proved to be temporary as the troubles that have hounded Woods’ game for years reared their ugly head at the baby hippo. An errant shot glanced off the hippo’s hind quarters an onto an adjacent hole disrupting Missy Butler’s birthday party.  The seven year old Butler began crying which delayed the match for nearly twenty minutes. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Nats’ Asst. Clubhouse Manager’s Domineering Mother Won’t Leave Locker Room

July 18th, 2014
mothers-day-1980-029

Mom’s the Word. Mother won’t take the hint.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals Assistant Clubhouse Manager, Nathan Landers, preps players’ lockers, cleans uniforms, and makes sure everything is in order for the team both at home and on the road. He owes much of his organizational skills to his mom, Dorothy. Though he acknowledges his mother’s attention to detail, he also claims she was an overprotective, manipulative nuisance during his childhood and adolescence, and still nags the 41 year old MLB employee on a daily basis with texts, phone calls, emails, and even hand written letters. Now, she’s taken things a step further.   Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

A TSD Classique: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

July 17th, 2014

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After another incident occurred in last night’s Philadelphia Eagles 27-17 victory over the New York Giants, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

A TSD Classique: Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

July 16th, 2014

 

Former Minnesota Twins batboy Timmy Tanner captured in undated photo unleashing primal howl as he prepares to rip the arms off an unauthorized clubhouse visitor.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Barry Bonds isn’t the only one making steroids-related news.

Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.

Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.

“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star  catcher Joe Mauer when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

A Swift Kick to the Balls is the Newest Form of Celebration After Walk-off

July 15th, 2014
sports-injury

Totally Nuts! That’s what ballplayers are calling this latest form of celebrating.


TAMPA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)
As the 2014 baseball season hits the unofficial halfway point and the pennant races heat up, walk off wins are becoming more dramatic. And with all the furor comes the obligatory celebrations at home plate as the winning run scores.

In the past, high fives and pats on the back, as well as shaving cream pies to the face were commonplace as the author of the winning hit soldiered through on-field post game interviews. However, suddenly, things have taken a more sinister turn.  Players are now doubling over in eye crossing pain as their teammates rear back and launch a bracing kick to the scrotal sac; The new term of endearment.  Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share