BREAKING SPORTS

Steph Curry Decorates James Harden’s Hotel Room in Warriors Colors

May 28th, 2015
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Fallen On Harden Times. The Beard is down and out.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Golden State Warriors defeaed the Houston Rockets 104-90 to advance to the NBA Finals.  After having the game of his life on Monday night with 45 points, Houston Rockets star, James Harden had a night to forget Wednesday at the Oracle Arena. Thirteen turnovers, air balls, a crowd mockingly chanting his name, and 48 excruciating minutes or pure basketball torture later, Harden slowly meandered back to the sanctuary of his hotel room to begin the slow process of emotional healing. That’s when he was hit with the nail in the coffin — a room decked out in full Warriors blue and gold courtesy of Warriors star, and league MVP, Steph Curry. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Tom Seaver Normalizes Relations With Cuba

May 27th, 2015
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Beat of the Tom Toms. Seaver hurls.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame pitcher, and former New York Mets and Cincinnati Reds great, Tom Seaver has announced he’s normalized relations with longtime political foe, Cuba.

“Yes, I was just like everyone else. Though I abhorred communism, I too had my Cohiba Habanas smuggled in under the cloak of night, so I could partake in their rich, tobaccoey goodness,” the 311 game winner admitted puffing away on a 7 X 47 Esplendidos. “Now, everything’s above board. As I’ve gotten older, I’m mellowed. Mellowed much like the long draw I’m currently enjoying on this finely cured Cuban leaf hand rolled by true artists — then a gentle au revoir to billows of decadent smoke followed by a Gran Marnier chaser.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Entire Amish Community Unaware Native Son Plays in NBA

May 26th, 2015

Hoop Dreams! Jeremiah Zook is out in the world.

LANCASTER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jeremiah Zook, the 23 year old power forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves doesn’t see much playing time. Still, players and fans around the league know who he is.

Sadly, for Zook, there isn’t one person in his hometown who knows his whereabouts.

“We assume Jeremiah is out in the world among the English.” wrote Amish town elder, Jonas Platt of Lancaster in a letter to the Philadelphia Inquirer in September. “I’m sure he’s knee deep in all the technology and pretty lasses with revealing clothing and progressive ways – those lip licking harlots with the plaid skirts and knee socks and ambitions. Personally, wherever he may be, I wish he’d come home soon, as I’d like to turn over the fields for next growing season. Boy can work a hoe like no other.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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A-Rod Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid

May 22nd, 2015

 

Yard Work. H. Prescott Kent lunching on his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. They’re celebrating Prescott’s good news that a famous Latin athlete will “go yard” just for him.

LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the Texas Rangers this weekend. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.” Read the rest of this entry »

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So long Dave

May 20th, 2015

We love satire. All we really do here at the office is look at things sideways. That’s basically the reason for our existence. We’re just sports fans sticking a finger in the eye of monolithic entities like the NFL, Major League Baseball, the NBA, and when we’re so inspired, though rarely, the NHL — oh, and whatever else vies for attention. We think you have to be a little nuts to want to try comedy for a living. Still, many of the most sane people we know are comedians. If you grew up in the 1970s and 80s, you were living in the comedy hot zone. You had Johnny Carson hosting the Tonight Show every weeknight. Mel Brooks and Woody Allen were in their prime movie making days. The guys doing stand up were George Carlin and Richard Pryor, and later Jay Leno, Bill Maher, and Jerry Seinfeld. And of course, Robin Williams. All these people influenced us. Their very existence is why we write, and take a stab at comedy. The one guy who had a completely different voice was David Letterman. His wisenheimer spin on everyday life just clicked with people born in the late 50s through the early 70s. That was Dave’s sweet spot. Long before he hosted “Late Night” or even his ill-fated morning show, Dave was a regular standup on Carson, and an occasional guest host. Read the rest of this entry »

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After Years of Longing, TSD Finally Writes Story on North Dakota Sports

May 19th, 2015
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Off the List. A long standing dream realized.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Its been said, “good things come to those who wait.” Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but it has happened — a story worthy of notice that has North Dakota roots. The Philadelphia Flyers have announced who their new head coach will be, and it’s Dave Hakstol. Hakstol coached collegiate hockey for eleven seasons at the University of North Dakota.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Sportsman’s Daily Kills Off Beloved “Mike Vogel” Character

May 18th, 2015

 

 

 

You’re Fired! The Mike Vogel character set ablaze before falling face first into a vat of snakes. It’s all part of the job.

 

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a stunning move that sent ripples through the Sportsman’s Daily newsroom on Friday morning, senior brass at the wildly popular sports satire standard-bearer since 1,800 B.C.E., has killed off the beloved Mike Vogel character. Vogel appeared in numerous articles over the past two years in either leading or supporting roles.

The final call to forever rid the site of Vogel was not an easy one. Read the rest of this entry »

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Andy Reid Purportedly Has Near Life Experience

May 15th, 2015
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Life Reidings? Apparently there’s something happening.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach, Andy Reid unquestionably has has turned things around in his short tenure in town, but life in the NFL changes every week, which may be a part of the reason for an extremely unusual occurrence that may be both physiological and paranormal.

“It appears the coach had a near life experience.” said Chiefs General Manager, John Dorsey. “We consider this a positive since no one has been able to get a pulse from him since 2008.”

Unlike a near death experience, where a person might have the not uncommon sense of crossing over to another dimension which some religious believers say could be an afterlife, the near life experience is infinitely more rare. Read the rest of this entry »

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13 Year Old Boy Spits Loogie; Bests Previous Mark by Two Feet

May 14th, 2015

 

Stock in Hock. This kid’s hocker is still soaring.

SILVER SPRING, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Last Tuesday in the company of best friends, Mike Hebda and Steve Kern, thirteen year old Jerry Shimmelbush unleashed a loogie 13.2 feet, from the middle of Highland Drive, over a picket fence and onto the hood of Mrs. Lester’s Ford Focus.

“I really pulled that one up from my toes.” beamed Shemmelbush, the middle child of Carl and Anna Shimmelbush. “There was a significant amount of mucus in it to give it some body. I’d say 60% mucus and 40% saliva, with a few strands of blood for aesthetics.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Thurman Munson Comeback Considered Really F*%kin’ Creepy; In Poor Taste

May 13th, 2015

 

 

He Da Mun! The late Thurman Munson’s got big plans.

 

AKRON, OHIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Late New York Yankees catcher Thurman Munson, who was killed in an airplane crash in 1979, refuses to go away peacefully. Several eyewitnesses attest to seeing Munson practicing takeoffs and landings in an empty field. Others claim they’ve seen the long deceased catcher aimlessly wandering the baseball diamond at Coventry Municipal Park.

Admired for his grit and determination, the former American League Rookie of the Year and MVP, was one of the most beloved members of the Bronx Bombers during the 1970’s. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: A-Rod’s Massage Parlor Encounter Culminates with Mediocre Ending

May 12th, 2015

Rub a Dub Flub. Madame Force’s rub down finishes apparently don’t live up to the deep tissue massages.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Nats’ Asst. Clubhouse Manager’s Domineering Mother Won’t Leave Locker Room

May 11th, 2015
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Mom’s the Word. Mother won’t take the hint.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals Assistant Clubhouse Manager, Nathan Landers, preps players’ lockers, cleans uniforms, and makes sure everything is in order for the team both at home and on the road. He owes much of his organizational skills to his mom, Dorothy. Though he acknowledges his mother’s attention to detail, he also claims she was an overprotective, manipulative nuisance during his childhood and adolescence, and still nags the 41 year old MLB employee on a daily basis with texts, phone calls, emails, and even hand written letters. Now, she’s taken things a step further.   Read the rest of this entry »

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