Ace-hole? Not exactly. It wasn't gamesmanship -it was death.

LAS VEGAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jethro “Dead Eye” Salinger lived up to his nickname on Monday night when opponents couldn’t get him to ante up.

“He just sort of stayed there, staring straight ahead, motionless,” said Jimmy “The Lion” Nicosia. “We thought it was just another element of his world renowned gamesmanship, but it went on too long, even for him. That’s when we realized he was dead.” Read the rest of this entry »

Spare the Rod. Your sympathy that is. He needs to man up and walk right.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pittsburgh Pirates backup catcher Rod Barajas is off to a rough start this season. With a batting average well below the Mendoza line, the 36 year old is doing what he can to keep his place on the roster. To compound matters, he has been criticized for his poor form while receiving walks.

“It was my mom who called to it my attention.” lamented Barajas. “Apparently over the past couple of years I’ve developed the lazy habit of sauntering down the first baseline in a sort lackadaisical manner, with a devil may care carriage that is part K-Mart® middle management – part bowling alley pizza guy. Mom insists I throw back my shoulders and walk with my head erect.” Read the rest of this entry »

WTF? This kid's a star, yo!

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.

The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. Read the rest of this entry »

El Doucho. Ozzie Guillen has got himself a sponsor.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) VH Essentials®, makers of a medicated douche concentrate, have announced they have won the naming rights to Miami Marlins manager, Ozzie Guillen, beating out Quilted Northern® toilet paper and Vagi Cure® Anti Itch Cream.

The controversial Guillen, known for speaking his mind, has had a long history of putting his foot in his mouth often causing problems for his employers. Most recently, his favorable spin on Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro earned the wrath of South Florida’s large Cuban community. And just this week when a Houston based reporter asked about it, he responded with a Scarface like retort.

VH Essentials is breaking new ground by endorsing a baseball manager.  Read the rest of this entry »

A serially concussed brain is a terrible thing to waste.

ST. JOHN’S, ANTIGUA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Since Boston University’s School of Medicine announced a special program devoted to studying the he long-term effects of concussions,  a number of retired NFL players have agreed to leave their brains to the center for study.  TSD has now learned that researchers from an unaccredited medical school located in Antigua have been harvesting brains from former athletes within hours of their death. The cadavers include both professional and amateur athletes, ranging from former NFL linemen to sixty-five year old Rick “Beanhead” Templeton, a softball legend who was known to crash head-first into a beer keg after clubbing a round tripper.

The jars containing the brains were found in an industrial refrigerator by a night watchmen employed by the Caribbean island’s medical center.

“It was 3 am, the missus forgot to pack me a sandwich, so I’m looking around for a bite, maybe one of the lab guys left a half-eaten tuna sandwich or an open can of sardines, or possibly a Stouffer’s lasagna I can micro – anything, I’m starving,” said Jules Berg, the night watchman. “So I opens the refrig and about eighteen brains in glass jars are staring back at me. Suddenly I’m not so hungry anymore. Gave me the creeps if you want the god’s honest truth. Then I start noticing the names on the labels – one guy played tackle for the Rams, another was a lineman for the Colts and one guy I remember making a game-saving tackle on a Monday Night game years ago. I’m thinking, heck, that’s a whole lotta defense crammed into those jars.” Read the rest of this entry »

Twilight of His Career. Wally Nafus from the rough.

EXETER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Wally Nafus, the long drive king at Fox Hill Country Club in Exeter, Pennsylvania, is a nine time club champ dating back to 1973. He won his last title in 1987, but now at age 62, Nafus is forced to hit from the ladies’ tee.

“I’m three shoulder surgeries, two wrist surgeries and one knee replacement into this little movie they call life,” the barrel-chested 6’4’’ linkster quipped. “When I couldn’t hit the ball over Sissy Ridge (a landmark on the course) and the other guys in my foursome began laughing at me, I thought about giving the game up.”

Nafus didn’t give the game up. Read the rest of this entry »

Melo Fellow. Carmelo Anthony dropped 41 on Heat, but was overshadowed by large mass.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Knicks rode a 41 point performance by Carmelo Anthony, staving off elimination and defeating the heavily favored Miami Heat on Sunday, pushing the series to a Game 5.

“We’re still alive!” said point guard Baron Davis.

Davis’ enthusiasm was quickly quelled when a large, grey, spongey mass rolled into the locker room seconds after the victory interfering with reporters questions, and players toweling off. The near 12 meter object was reported to give off the faint whiff of despair.  Read the rest of this entry »

Handy Guy. Amar'e Stoudemire's hand could have been eBay bound.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Once the grizzly circumstances surrounding Amar’e Stoudemire’s dangling hand came to light, the New York Knicks superstar said if the hand couldn’t be saved he was prepared to auction it off on eBay®.

“It’s a perfectly good hand, suitable for framing or a lovely coffee table conversation piece. As you can see, I had a contingency plan if I was going to lose the hand. I figured why not make a buck. The upshot is I can still play some one handed piano pieces.” Read the rest of this entry »

Where There's a Will, There's a Way. A way for an obsessed sociopath to track his every move that is.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he hasn’t had a Major League at bat since 2000, one Will Clark fan apparently refuses to stop cheering. Milton Charles Block, 54, of Mill Valley, California has worshiped the former Giants slugger from afar for years. Now, Block often follows the man they called “The Thrill” to his current place of employment, Valley Nissan.

Clark is Vice President and part owner of the dealership and Block has been seen repeatedly cheering Clark for such acts as approving rebates, observing undercoat application, and “putting a family of four behind the wheel of something sensible today.” Read the rest of this entry »

A Long, Strange Trip: Members of the San Diego Padres (and their entourage) performing “unorthodox” pre-game calisthenics during the summer of 2000.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If the vintage Hendrix and Airplane blaring from boom boxes weren’t enough of a tip-off, players staring for hours at belly button lint or a solitary sunflower seed should have set off alarms. A recently added addendum to the Mitchell report, which was originally issued in 2007,  includes testimony describing a two month stretch in 2000 when a number of HGH (human growth hormone)  users got a lot more than they bargained for.

“Let’s just say it gave entirely new meaning to round trippers,” said a member of the Mitchell committee. “Fortunately the freak-outs were confined to the locker room area. Baseball officials will tell you that no one knew about HGH use, but around this time an unofficial memo was circulated providing instructions on how to bring players down off the proverbial ledge: slap on some Yes, preferably side one from Close to the Edge, give them a warm glass of chocolate milk, and read random passages from childrens’ books in a non-threatening manner.” (In one instance, a practical joker read from William Burroughs’ drug-fueled novel, “Naked Lunch”; two days later the player quit baseball and for the past seven years has been practicing the pan flute from his one room flat in Marrakech.) Read the rest of this entry »

Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home on Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustleon November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. Read the rest of this entry »