June 30th, 2015
Double Drivel. Woody Allen is salivating over his upcoming Knicks birthday bash.
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Woody Allen will turn 80 in Decmeber. The former stand up comedian and TV writer turned legendary filmmaker has written and directed over forty films in a career that has spanned six decades. He also happens to be the New York Knicks’ number one fan (though Spike Lee might argue that claim).
The Knicks are planning a huge celebration to honor the renowned, bespectacled nebbish. Every fan will receive a plastic pair of signature Allen horn rimmed glasses, a copy of Albert Camus’ The Plague, and some string.
Current Cleveland Cavalier, and former Knick center, Timofey Mozgov, who hails from St.. Petersburg, Russia, is particularly thrilled to honor Allen.
“My family members and his family members were neighbors,” Mozgov said in reasonably impressive English. “That is, until my Uncle Sergei (Kosmonoff) rounded up group of his knuckle dragging Cossack buddies to run his family out of town. I’m ashamed for their actions, and here to make amends.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 29th, 2015
Investigation Pending Immediately After Regurgitation
Mmm…tastes just like Gyros! Sporting a new doo, UFC superstar Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell holds up the severed head of defeated Greek-Cypriot challenger Spiros Kostayannis. This could be Kostayannis’ last bout.
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Ultimate Fighting Championship superstar Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell whose unorthodox fighting style has thrilled thousands of UFC fans might have crossed the line in his latest bout. At Philadelphia’s legendary Spectrum, a scheduled three rounder against Spiros Kostayannis went horribly wrong. Kostayannis, a Greek Cypriot who dreamed of competing in his first fight in the United States will apparently dream no more as he died almost instantly as Liddell’s controversial move three minutes and eight seconds into the second round left the twenty-nine year old challenger headless. The capacity crowd could only watch in horror as Liddell immediately gorged himself on Kostayannis’ torso in a bizarre ritualistic feeding frenzy. Read the rest of this entry »
June 26th, 2015
Met Me in St. Louis! This undated photo clearly shows Mr. Met hitting his mark in one of his early porn efforts shot while the team was on the road playing the Cardinals. Met, who doesn’t often travel with the team, insisted at the time the trip was only about baseball.
FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— In a shocking development that occurred late last night, ownership announced that long time Mets mascot Mr. Met has been fired.
Met (Metropolitan), who has delighted fans of all ages for generations, apparently also delighted in making hardcore adult films during the off season. Met produced and directed many of the films he starred including Getting to Third, My Head Is a Ball, and Between the Stitches Part IV.
“He set up shop in Brooklyn,” said Mets spokesperson Jerry Kellerman. “It was a fairly sophisticated operation and perfectly legal by the way, but we just can’t employ a mascot who runs around the stadium handing out refrigerator magnets to moms, dads, and nine year olds during a home stand then turning around and having women dressed as ball girls double tonguing his taint.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 25th, 2015
Hero Or The Goat? It’s up for the fans to decide.
DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Americans love variety. And apparently baseball fans are demanding more variety at the ballgame. Louis Lowry has been a vendor at Detroit Tigers games since the late 1970s. His usual fare of beer and soda hasn’t really distinguished him from the one hundred other vendors who work the games, but his passion and personality have. Now Lowry is throwing a curveball of sorts at the loyal fans in section, 232 — goat’s milk.
“It’s doing pretty decent,” the 58 year old said. “Especially when it’s kept refrigerated. Granted, some find it a tad disgusting and terribly out of place at a baseball game, but for those who don’t throw up in their mouths, it’s a nice change of pace.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 24th, 2015
Stunning Bunt! Arnie Testa settles in for his favorite porn show, but gets the surprise of his life courtesy of a former Mets and Braves second baseman.
RENO, NV. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arnie Testa loves watching pornography. Testa, who works in a travel agency in Reno, Nevada is just one of the thousands of cable subscribers in the area who have added the Load Channel, a sexually explicit pornographic station available on Liberty Cable’s Deluxe Package. Read the rest of this entry »
June 23rd, 2015
Console Peters used to peer into windows and down well-proportioned halter tops. “Oh the inhumanity,” mocked Peters’ attorney Brock Fredericks. “He took pictures of woman without their express written consent, big deal, happens every day. It’s not like he crashed the Hindenburg into the side of the stadium for goodness sake.”
MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Brick Peters, a veteran Goodyear blimp pilot who was to helm the Spirit of Innovation for Sunday’s Dolphins-Redskins game, was arrested and charged for using his airship to ogle naked women.
“I just got out of a bath and went into the living room to change a cd when I sensed someone was watching me,” said Sandra Miller of Miami Beach. “I looked out the window and I saw a blimp hovering in the distance, but I said, nah, can’t be. I’m just completely shocked.”
Two weeks ago federal authorities were tipped off to Peters’ regular use of his helium-borne dirigible for illicit spying on naked and/or semi-naked women. Agents with the FBI had been monitoring Peters as he began preparations leading up to Sunday’s game, which included a careful aerial mapping of female-rich locations covering a five mile radius of the stadium. Read the rest of this entry »
June 22nd, 2015
Juilliard freshman Gunther Paulsson displays “game face” before taking the field for intra-campus exhibition football game. Paulsson plans on trying out for a position on the team’s offensive line, where his heft, booming baritone and heroic golden pigtails are best suited.
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— If you can knock out two flawless etudes, break off a dazzling solo and nail a representative sampling of standard orchestral excerpts – all under the withering scrutiny of the school’s famously demanding faculty — you stand a chance of playing Juilliard football in the fall of 2014. With more musical prodigies per square inch than perhaps anywhere else on earth, Juilliard is the last place one would expect to have a football program. But in just two years, the fabled Juilliard campus will fill with the sounds of Chopin, Mozart and the violent cacophony of helmets colliding in ¾ time.
“For years, famous alums and board members lobbied for a football program on par with the Ivies,” said Juilliard President Joseph W. Polis. “We’ve resisted, since the fierce contact you tend to see in football is not automatically conducive to world class musicianship. I don’t care if you’re a 275 pound cellist or an oboist built like a brick shithouse, you get caught under a pile of Harvard undergrads, you’re putting your fingering technique at grave risk.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 19th, 2015
Flare Package. Preston Dodds with the elusive “Flare for the Dramatic”
MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After tagging a solo homer in the tenth inning Wednesday leading the Dodgers to a 5-4 victory over the red hot Florida Marlins, right fielder Andre Ethier told reporters the elusive “flare for the dramatic must be near here somewhere.”
He was right.
Similar to renowned 19th century archaeologist Heinrich Schliemann using Homer’s “Odyssey” as his guide to unearth lost civilizations, divers acted on Ethier’s hunch and found the flare at 5:23AM Thursday morning in the Biscayne Bay.
“We had our suspicions,” said sports historian Connor Seagrave-Daley. “This team (Dodgers) has been struggling lately. So when Andre hit the game-winning homer, then accurately came to the conclusion the actual flare was in the general vicinity, that was good enough for us.”
“Flare for the dramatic” is a term that has long been used by sports writers to describe electrifying and sudden endings to sporting events. Very few people believed the flare was indeed real.
But Seagrave-Daley felt differently. Read the rest of this entry »
June 18th, 2015
Clog With the Works. This dog may not clog your arteries, but it ain’t that great either.
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Intended as a way to make an iconic ballpark food healthier, pharmaceutical giant, Bristol-Myers Squibb debuted a cholesterol fighting hot dog this week. Almost immediately, they’ve announced they will recall over twelve million frankfurters distributed to ten Major League parks after receiving thousands of complaints. Many who tried the wieners expressed dissatisfaction with the flavor, claiming it had a strong medicinal taste.
“Not to be a whiner, but fusing a bitter, metallic aftertaste with mustard and relish on an all beef frank isn’t exactly my idea of a pleasant afternoon at the yard.” said New York Mets fan Herb Lansing, of Brooklyn. “I appreciate the fellas over at Bristol-Myers Squibb trying to be all preventative and shit by putting the cholesterol fighting drug into the actual high cholesterol food and all, but they’re gonna need to go back to the drawing board on this one.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 17th, 2015
Hi, I’m Justin. This undated photo shows how desperate Holiday is to see some PT.
CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Golden State Warriors won their first NBA title in 40 years defeating the Cleveland Cavaliers 105-97 in Game 6 Tuesday night in Cleveland. Small forward, Justin Holiday, who saw little or no time in the post-season sat patiently at the end of the bench hoping to see some playing time. When the Warriors clinched the title and the celebration began, a thrilled Holiday was told he’d be allowed to partake in a portion of the festivities.
“I think he had a sip of champagne and touched the trophy for a second which was proportionate to his contribution,” said All-Star guard and league MVP, Steph Curry. “I suppose we’ll see him back in Oakland, that is if he can find a Greyhound near the Econo Lodge he’s staying at.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 16th, 2015
Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-five years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2014 next week and begin an NBA career this fall that’s been stalled for decades.
TRENTON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Corey Adams is 22 years old, and by his own admission hasn’t been able step out of the 1960’s. But he’s not speaking figuratively. Adams is not a 21st century kid living in the past by listening to his dad’s old Beatles 45’s or watching Get Smart on YouTube. He’s actually stuck in a time-space continuum and has lived the same day over and over, March 12, 1967, for the past forty-five years.
Adams has been able to communicate with those living in 2014 through a tiny spatial wormhole located just behind the tube of Brycreem on his dresser. Read the rest of this entry »