BREAKING SPORTS

NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2016

May 26th, 2016

Deprived Fans of Both Schools Finally Getting Gridiron Programs

 

Gimme an H!! And whatever loose change you’ve got handy. Jimmy Casey attended the School of Hard Knocks in the early 70’s and is thrilled to see his alma mater finally field a football team.

 

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Thrilled” is how one Electoral College fan put it. “Finally” is what a School of Hard Knocks booster said while enjoying a steaming bowl of gruel. In a move that has been long overdue, two great American institutions have gotten the go ahead to field football teams for the 2016 season. They’ll play their first game on September 1st.

“What better way to debut both teams than oppose each other in their inaugural game?” said Carter Miller, an elector from the sprawling campus of the Electoral College. “I can hardly wait till kick off.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share
BELOW THE FOLD

Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

May 24th, 2016

 

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat. “The chicks like the whips and the hand-to-hand combat on horse back, but a headless goat doesn’t test well,” said Elliot Folz, a prominent sports marketing professional.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The  game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi,  pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

From the Archives: Joe Girardi Operates Massive Crystal Meth Network From Yankee Dugout

May 23rd, 2016
Empire

Breaking Balls. Is Girardi and the Evil Empire ramping things up? Just do the meth.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Until last night, New York Yankees manager, Joe Girardi had repeatedly denied any knowledge of the vast and intricate crystal meth network that originates from his clubhouse and dugout, but as the evidence mounted against him, he came clean.

“OK, if you must know, the lab is over in New Jersey.” the Bronx Bombers’ skipper chimed. “Usually around the fourth inning, I start processing orders. Naturally, if any punk ass motherfucker gets in the way of business, I’m forced into doing a little mop up job. That is also handled on the Jersey side.”

Oddly enough, crystal meth is not on Major League Baseball’s banned substance list because Commissioner Bud Selig figured no one would use it anyway. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Crusty, Old Bastard Hates College Football “Cuz of Dem College Boys”

May 20th, 2016

Piss Off! This old coot hasn’t got the time for college anything.

CHELSEA, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Norbert McGillicuddy, a 60 year fixture among Boston area sea goers, hates this time of year. That’s when some of his younger, co-workers start talking about the upcoming college football season.

“I hate this crap,” seethed the peg-legged, 77 year old lobster fisherman. “Every year it’s the same thing – ‘Boston College this and Boston College that.’ Nothin’ but a bunch of entitled, rich college boys playin’ a kid’s game. Why don’t they go out an do some real man’s work, like battling a giant octopus or dippin’ yer mitts in a cauldron of boiling water yankin’ out freshly killed lobsters? Huh? Pansies, all of ‘em! What do I give a crap about two a days for? How about gettin’ up at 4AM in 20 degree weather and swabbin’ the deck knee deep in fish guts? I hope these young buttercups I work with understand the meaning of an honest days work.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Roided Up Lance Armstrong Enjoys Second Career as F**kles, the Abusive, Bike Riding Clown

May 19th, 2016

Chuckles With Fuckles. Lance Armstrong living the dream.

FT. WAYNE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced seven time Tour de France champion, Lance Armstrong, whose wins have been vacated, is reinventing himself. Appearing in the Martinoff Brothers Circus tour as Fuckles the Clown, Armstrong is delighting young and old alike with his bicycle riding exploits.

“We’re thrilled to have him aboard.” said Ringmaster, Xavier Prescott. “His abusive, expletive-laden rants, and drunken fits of rage are real show stoppers. I particularly enjoy when he splashes his bucket – not filled with confetti – but a highly corrosive compound of battery acid and zinc chloride in the faces of unsuspecting patrons in the front row.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Dodger Dog Vendor Blamed for Most of LA’s Heart Disease

May 17th, 2016

 

Doggin’ It! Cardiac patients need to cross this little lovely off their list. But vendor Phil Ferraro says, “Relax. Take a bite.”

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Dodger Dog – a simple frankfurter in a bun that is widely regarded as the very best in major league baseball, is as much a piece of Los Angeles Dodgers history as a Maury Wills stolen base or a Sandy Koufax strikeout. Hot dog vendor Phil Ferraro has been working the field box level at Dodger Stadium since the early seventies. He estimates he’s personally sold over nine-hundred thousand Dodger Dogs and is quickly approaching the one million mark. “That’s a helluva lotta cholesterol,” the fifty-nine year old wiener jockey said. “I look at these people on the aisle ordering three dogs for the fat guy in seat 12 and think to myself, ‘this poor bastard’s gonna be dead before the fifth inning.’ But as much as it pains me to contribute to their inevitable heart disease, I do derive a guilty pleasure from seeing their faces light up when they take that first bite – the mustard, relish and dog juice dripping down their double chins. ” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

A TSD Classique: Whiskey and Shotgun Night Promotion Turns Deadly

May 16th, 2016

Whatcha Lookin’ at Son? Leon Krunk enjoying the festivities in Burlington.

BURLINGTON, IA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oakland A’s Single A affiliate, the Burlington Bees may have broken the unwritten rule of bad promotional ideas last night when the team held a “Whiskey and Shotgun Night” at the ballpark.

Each fan 21 and over received a Smith and Wesson® shotgun and a fifth of Johnny Walker® whiskey as they passed through the turnstiles. By the third inning, things got a little out of hand.

“I guess we didn’t count on people brining their own bullets.” said Assistant Promotions Director, Travis Huckson.  Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Umpire Joe West First to Reach “Double Digits” in Shitty Calls

May 13th, 2016
Unknown-7

Schlock of the Westies. Joe West, a league leader in blown calls.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Veteran MLB umpire Joe West has a long history of a quick temper and making controversial calls. He’s ranked among the worst umps in player polls over a long career.

Now, West is first to reach the magical “double digit” milestone in 2016, for horrifically inaccurate decisions (HID) or what the players refer to simply as “shitty calls.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

From the Archives: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

May 11th, 2016

Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Small Thundershower Disrupts This Cool Idea One of the Writers Thought He Had

May 10th, 2016

No Answer Blowin’ in the Wind. Thundershower leaves behind nothing but disappointed at swank TSD offices.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Heavy weather? Not so much after predictions of a major thunderstorm. At the swank offices of the Sportsman’s Daily, staff members were scurrying about on Tuesday bracing for power outages, downed power cables, and debris scattered about the sprawling office parking lot. What they got instead was a whole lot of nothing.  Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

Jim Rome’s Clones Begin Attack on Earth; Toledo Ohio Sports Bar Leveled

May 9th, 2016

Clone Heads. Jim Rome’s clones have launched their assault on planet Earth!

TOLEDO, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) He hosts the most popular sports radio show in America.  Jim Rome, the veteran sports talker with the robotic delivery has dubbed his listeners “clones.” The radio industry has viewed the pet name as typical showmanship and paid no attention to the subtle, cryptic warnings regarding a convert, sinister plot Rome has planned for years. Yesterday that plot was put into motion as fourteen men marched into Zonar’s, a Toledo, Ohio sports bar with laser guns and destroyed it. Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share

From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aide League’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-threatening Choking Fit

May 6th, 2016

 

 

 

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After Monday’s shoot around prior to their game later that night against the Heat, the San Antonio Spurs’ Manu Ginobli came perilously close to losing his life as a result of his reputation as the league’s most frequent — and arguably most accomplished — flopper.

Ginobli was lunching at a popular bistro in South Beach when a piece of his tuna melt lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit.  According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing  to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, a model who was grabbing take-out between before resuming his fashion shoot. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, a flop here in Miami is a fashion show that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” Read the rest of this entry »

Bookmark and Share