Happy Thanksgiving! TSD Back on Monday, November 30

November 24th, 2015

We sincerely hope you have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday. Remember the Four F’s…Family, Friends, Food, and Football.

Happy Thanksgiving from your friends at The Sportsman’s Daily!



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Turkey Executed at Dawn Wins Camp David Football Pool

November 24th, 2015
One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Just minutes after President Obama pardoned “Flyer,” the National Thanksgiving Turkey, the President condemned another Turkey, named “Baker,” to die. Baker, whose final wish was to spend his last day with the First Famiy, was executed at dawn in a solemn ceremony attended by the President and First Lady. Read the rest of this entry »

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Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

November 20th, 2015


Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests.

“Boy, back in the day seeing Davis chuckle in your direction when one of his goons knocked your books to the floor was a life-altering experience, you’d go over in your head for days on end whether it was a chuckle, a sneer or a sadistic grin — all the while just thrilled that he noticed you,” said Sam Edelman, who was in Davis’s homeroom from the 6th through the 11th grade. “When I saw him on Facebook it took me four weeks to screw up the courage and send a friend request. I never in a million years expected him to respond. I mean, it’s been over 35 years!” Read the rest of this entry »

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World Champ Magnus Carlsen Suffers Career Threatening Chess Injury

November 19th, 2015

One Hot Chess Mess. Magnus Carlsen has a long road back.

OSLO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Two minutes and thirty-four seconds into his exhibition match with the world’s 3rd ranked player, Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, the reigning world chess champion, Sven Magnus Øen Carlsen of Norway, tore several tendons while utilizing the famed La Boursonnais Maneuver. Initially, he played through the injury, but it was evident when he tried castling, something had gone horribly amiss.

“He let out a loud grunt, at first thought to be some sort of rarely employed Scandinavian gamesmanship, but it became obvious he was in excruciating pain.” said Salvatore “The Wrench” Brutico, Italy’s top ranked player.  Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo

November 17th, 2015

Cletus Tompkins Spits His Chew and Says ‘Yup’ Constantly


Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)– Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The forty-nine year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

November 16th, 2015

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi, pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd. Read the rest of this entry »

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Angels’ Mike Trout Concerned His Power May Fall Into the Wrong Hands

November 13th, 2015
MLB: Los Angeles Angels-Photo Day

Without A Trout? If one rogue nation has it’s way, it might be possible.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Los Angeles Angels slugger Mike Trout is one of the game’s great players, and arguably baseball’s premier slugger. His titanic homeruns are stuff of legend. But Trout is concerned that this power might fall into enemy hands.

“When you’ve got this kind of buff, ripped, enriched, Vitamin D fortified, muscular explosiveness, people take notice. And sometimes they’re the wrong people,” the 24-year-old All-Star chimed. “Now I’m not going mention any names, but it rhymes with Slim Long Pill. The last thing I need is to be drugged, snuck out of the country under the cloak of night, and attached to some cables only to awaken and make the grisly discovery that I’m suddenly the chief power source at a uranium plant. Just sayin’.” Read the rest of this entry »

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MLB’s Summer of Love: New Testimony Cites “Bizarre 60’s Vibe” Created by Bad Batch of Acid-Laced HGH

November 12th, 2015

A Long, Strange Trip:  Members of the San Diego Padres (and their entourage) performing “unorthodox” pre-game calisthenics during the summer of 2000.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If the vintage Hendrix and Airplane blaring from boom boxes weren’t enough of a tip-off, players staring for hours at belly button lint or a solitary sunflower seed should have set off alarms. A recently added addendum to the Mitchell report, which was originally issued in 2007,  includes testimony describing a two month stretch in 2000 when a number of HGH (human growth hormone)  users got a lot more than they bargained for.

“Let’s just say it gave entirely new meaning to round trippers,” said a member of the Mitchell committee. “Fortunately the freak-outs were confined to the locker room area. Baseball officials will tell you that no one knew about HGH use, but around this time an unofficial memo was circulated providing instructions on how to bring players down off the proverbial ledge: slap on some Yes, preferably side one from Close to the Edge, give them a warm glass of chocolate milk, and read random passages from childrens’ books in a non-threatening manner.” (In one instance, a practical joker read from William Burroughs’ drug-fueled novel, “Naked Lunch”; two days later the player quit baseball and for the past seven years has been practicing the pan flute from his one room flat in Marrakech.) Read the rest of this entry »

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Sportsman’s Daily’s Hall of Records Keeper Found Face Down in Pool of Own Vomit

November 11th, 2015


He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Monsanto Grows Mutated Cowboys in North Texas Immediately After Loss to Philly

November 9th, 2015

Garden Party. Horace and Bernice Lovecraft tend over their garden of “near ready” Cowboys.

IRVING, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a neck and neck game that took overtime to decide, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Dallas Cowboys 33-27 behind the surprisingly solid performance of quarterback, Sam Bradford.

Immediately after the loss, Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, gave the green light to the Monsanto Corporation to begin harvesting a mutated strain of instant players to be funneled in and out of the Cowboys’ roster at their own discretion. The player garden was at an undisclosed, but heavily fortified location about twenty miles west of the stadium. Read the rest of this entry »

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Family Man Not Seen by Wife and Kids Since Football Season Began

November 6th, 2015

Missing From Man Cave. Jerry Larson no longer in basement frightens family.

ROCKVILLE, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jerry Larson, 49, is a respected man in his community. He owns a tool supply company, coaches Little League, plays drums in a wedding band, and worships the Washington Redskins. However, since early September when the season opened, Larson hasn’t been seen by anyone including his family.

Initially, his wife Martha, 46, wasn’t concerned. However, after repeated, unanswered calls for dinner, she became suspicious.  Read the rest of this entry »

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TSD Theatre Review: Don’t Waste Your Time with the Abysmal “Wilt Chamberlain Remembers”

November 5th, 2015

by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt

Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.

I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. Read the rest of this entry »

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