BREAKING SPORTS

Chase Utley Changes At Bat Music to Somber Cello Solo

April 28th, 2015
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Cello. Goodbye. Chase Utley in the throes of despair.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mired in the worst slump and poorest season start of his career, Philadelphia Phillies All-Star second baseman, Chase Utley has told Citizen’s Bank Park “in-game” sound designers to change his tune.

“When things were going well, I’d confidently strut to the dish to the strains of Led Zeppelin’s Cashmere,” the veteran second sacker boasted. “But now, given what is evidently the twilight of a career in which I’ve clearly overstayed my welcome, I choose instead to hesitantly meander to the plate to the harrowing, somber tones of György Ligeti’s Sonata for Cello — a bleak, bottomless, musical miasma of desolation and suffering. I feel, as does the organization, that this selection of music more accurately captures the tone of my current state, as well as the team and city.” Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

A TSD Classique: Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 Women Banged Finally To Be Honored by NBA

April 27th, 2015

One Hundreds Ways? More like 20,000 according to Wilt the Stilt.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Next week the most dominant player of his or arguably any era in professional basketball will receive a posthumous honor for his exploits off the court. Wilt Chamberlain, who passed away in 1999, won NBA titles in Philadelphia and Los Angeles and still holds several NBA records to this day, but perhaps no record is more astonishing than the amount of women the Hall of Famer professed he slept with.

Chamberlain boldly stated in his second autobiography, “A View from Above” that he had sex with 20,000 different women. Though the basketball great’s staggering claim has been refuted by many, the NBA still feels given Chamberlain’s status, it is fitting the achievement be officially recognized. “At first we wanted to get one large photo of all the ladies he screwed and raise it to the rafters of every arena in the league,” said NBA spokesman Larry Chismar. “But no one could find a lens that could photograph 20,000 women. So we’re just hoping to find a nice picture of a smiling Wilt with his dick in his hand. We think that’s significantly more appropriate.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

April 24th, 2015

 

Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests. Read the rest of this entry »

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Professional Bowling’s Remaining Two Fans to Call it Quits

April 23rd, 2015

No Bowl of Cherries. Mildred and Stanley Slavish of Nanticoke, Pennsylvania say they will stop following pro bowlers around beginning next week, effectively ending the 52 year run of the PBA.

NANTICOKE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the 1960’s and 70’s, it was as much a Saturday afternoon institution as going to the kiddie matinee at the local movie theatre. Announcers Chris Schenkel along with Billy Welu, and later Nelson Burton Jr. brought bowling into the homes of millions of viewers across America every weekend on ABC television. The broadcast still had a sizable following in the 1980’s and even early 1990’s. But by 1997 coverage ended. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Tiger Woods Offered $10 Million to Perform High-Risk Circumcision

April 22nd, 2015

 

GREENWICH, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — An unidentified Greenwich couple have circumvented standard channels to seek help in performing what is being described as an unusually delicate circumcision. The couple’s attorney reached out to golf superstar Tiger Woods, who is neither Jewish nor a licensed mohel in the state of Florida, his primary residence, to perform the ritual removal of their infant son’s foreskin. (A mohel is an observant Jew who has been trained in the relevant Jewish law and surgical techniques.)

“In this business you need nerves of steel and a steady hand,” said Arnold Tannenbaum, a licensed mohel. “Tiger’s long demonstrated ability to perform under pressure is remarkable. But try waving a knife over a bawling infant’s penis which doesn’t hold still for a second…then talk to me about pressure.”

Asked to define a “high risk” circumcision and if he’d ever been called to handle such a delicate procedure, Tannenbaum was initially dismissive: “Ask any parent whose kid is about to get his foreskin forcibly removed, and they’ll tell you little Timmy’s circumcision is a highly risky proposition.” Pressed further, he conceded that over the years he’d encountered “certain irregularities” that required special attention and skill. Read the rest of this entry »

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Umpire Joe West First to Reach “Double Digits” in Shitty Calls

April 21st, 2015
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Schlock of the Westies. Joe West, a league leader in blown calls.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Veteran MLB umpire Joe West has a long history of a quick temper and making controversial calls. He’s ranked among the worst umps in player polls over a long career.

Now, West is first to reach the magical “double digit” milestone in 2015, for horrifically inaccurate decisions (HID) or what the players refer to simply as “shitty calls.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Small Thundershower Disrupts This Cool Idea One of the Writers Thought He Had

April 20th, 2015

No Answer Blowin’ in the Wind. Thundershower leaves behind nothing but disappointed at swank TSD offices.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Heavy weather? Not so much after predictions of a major thunderstorm. At the swank offices of the Sportsman’s Daily, staff members were scurrying about on Tuesday bracing for power outages, downed power cables, and debris scattered about the sprawling office parking lot. What they got instead was a whole lot of nothing.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Dozens Misinterpret Double Meaning in Taylor Made Promotion, Leading to Catastrophic Beatings at Golf Courses Nationwide

April 17th, 2015

 

 

 

FARMINGDALE, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Get the clubs the pros are using on us,” screams the ad from Taylor Made, a California-based manufacturer of golf clubs. Yesterday, the national promotional campaign took a horrible turn when its meaning was catastrophically misinterpreted by scores of literal-minded golfers eager to give the clubs a try. Brandishing an assortment of irons and fairway metals from Taylor Made’s new RocketBallz line, golfers proceeded to “use” them on unsuspecting Taylor Made sales reps staging demos at golf courses around the country. Beatings were reported at some of the nation’s best known courses, including Heron Bay in South Florida, Bethpage on Long Island, and the Wynn Golf Club in Las Vegas.

“Thanks to our patented SuperFast Technology, which reduces total club weight while promoting faster swing speed for added distance, none of the injuries were life-threatening, “said company spokesman Joshua Blank. “I shudder to think what would have happened if patrons opted for Callaway or Nike or Tommy Armour clubs – their added clubhead weight would have caused untold carnage.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Marlins Will Suspend Common Courtesy to Fans For All Home Games

April 15th, 2015
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Crowd Control. These Marlins fans experiencing a taste of the new team edict before it became official.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With a long and proud history of poor decision-making, the Miami Marlins will suspend common courtesy extended to fans before, during, and after home games for the balance of the 2015 season. This will include the perimeter of the ballpark including parking lots.

“We’ve exhibited a cool, measured disdain — essentially a towering middle finger — to the league and the media since we took over” Marlins President, David Samson chimed. “Now we want to include the fans. Therefore, beginning now, every employee from the ushers and security folks right down to the food service workers and parking lot attendants will treat fans to the same seething glares, mistrust, and emotional abuse our highest level officials enjoy. Think of it as just paying it forward.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: After Humiliating Loss, Quasimodo to Return to Notre Dame to Play Hunchback

April 14th, 2015

Hunch Break. Quasimodo mugs for camera as the Fightin’ Irish break during a recent summer practice.

SOUTH BEND, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Apparently even a 42-14 pounding in a title game isn’t enough to keep this team down.  First there was Rudy, the inspiring story of an against-all-odds player making the Fightin’ Irish football team; now this. Quasimodo, the famed bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame will return to the school from where he was banned 182 years ago in an attempt to make the football team in 2013.

A towering figure in Victor Hugo’s literary masterwork The Hunchback of Notre Dame, from 1831, Quasimodo, a hideous malformed hunchback, was mostly associated with Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris as the church‘s chief bell ringer. But, unbeknownst to most people, he did appear in two scrimmages for Notre Dame University during the late 1800’s when the team was then known as “The Catholics” instead of the Fightin’ Irish, which became the official team name in 1927. Read the rest of this entry »

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Seattle Pilots Fan Still Waiting for Autograph Promised Him in 1969

April 13th, 2015
Where's there's a Gil, There's a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil's autograph.

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

 

 

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. Read the rest of this entry »

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Phillies Set to Freak Out Nats and Their Fans With Machete Giveaway

April 10th, 2015

Pretty Machete Attitude. Anthony Genovese of Havertown, PA at one of last season’s machete giveaways.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gearing up for the first game of an early season weekend series might seem ho hum. Unless that is, if you’re in Philadelphia where you can expect boundless energy; Perhaps more than the Washington Nationals and a few visiting fans making the trek up I-95 to the City of Brotherly Love are accustomed to.  The Nats and their relatively laid back, casual fans, were told to prepare for the onslaught of the classic Philadelphia sports fan – the crazed, passionate fanatics who in the past have been able to rattle pitchers off the mound with booing and yelling.

Apparently the Phillies and their fans have something extra special in store for the team from nation’s capital. Read the rest of this entry »

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