BREAKING SPORTS

A TSD Classique: Pete Rose Owes $7,863.57 in Library Late Fees for Borrowing Book Written by Pete Rose

January 28th, 2015

Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home on Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustleon November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

In Huge Payroll Cutting Effort, Phillies Outsource Entire Team to India

January 27th, 2015
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Watch That Baby, Outta Here!!! Badal Agarwal taking extra BP after learning he’s the Phillies new first baseman.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Badal Agarwal, Laksh Jayaraman, and Haaroon Kapur are just some of the new stars Philadelphia Phillies fans are going to have to embrace when the ball club announced today it was scrapping the entire high priced payroll of older stars and starting anew.

The team told a stunned throng of media that the entire roster would be outsourced to New Delhi at a fraction of the cost.

“We’re literally saving millions and millions.”  said new General Manager, Ekaaksha Ganesh, who replaced the wildly unpopular, Ruben Amaro Jr. “Granted, most of our fellows have only played cricket, but they’re good athletes and I expect them to make the transition in time for Opening Day.”

Though there’s reason for optimism, not everyone is thrilled with the team’s new direction.  Others see it as bad for baseball and the wrong message to send U.S. workers. Read the rest of this entry »

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Disenfranchised 23 Year Old Stunned No One Showed for His Pro Bowl Party

January 26th, 2015
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Life’s No Pro Bowl of Cherries. Carter Duncan is really bummed out no one cared about his Pro Bowl party.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Team Irvin defeated Team Carter 32-28 in Sunday’s Pro Bowl. But that’s taking a back seat to one young man’s plight. Carter Duncan loves football. From Pop Warner to the NFL, if there’s a game to watch, you can bet he’s watching. But now the Temple University grad feels disillusioned. After inviting several friends including some of his Alpha Chi Rho fraternity brothers to his Pro Bowl party, he came up completely empty.

“Not one person. This fuckin’ blows!” lamented Duncan who shares an apartment with his roommate Tim Sasnowski on Shunk Street in South Philadelphia. “The response was exactly the same across the board. They tell me I’m nuts – they tell me no one holds Pro Bowl parties – that I couldn’t have picked a more low level, anti-climactic event for a reason to get blitzed. Even my roommate wasn’t around. All this after I dropped three large on wings, pizza, meatballs, sausage, those mini hot dog thingies, shrimp, and four kinds of beer.”   Read the rest of this entry »

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Belichick Working to Sneak Buttered Footballs Into Seattle’s Super Bowl Allotment

January 22nd, 2015
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Get a Grip! Let’s see the Seahawks hang on to this puppy.

GLENDALE, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick has been working around the clock to figure a way to replace the Seattle Seahawks allotment of league authorized footballs for the Super Bowl with buttered ones.

“I’ve been on the phone with Anthony ‘Tony Cholesterol’ Randazzo and the fine folks over at Land-O-Lakes to work a little eleventh hour magic on Super Bowl Sunday,” said the Pats’ big honcho. “Take it from me, in cold weather, deflated balls can make a difference. But the weather should be pristine in Arizona, so we’re going with butter. I suspect it’ll play havoc with the other team’s grip. We’ll do anything to gain an advantage. If it requires a tasty dairy product strategically slathered on the old pigskin, so be it.” Read the rest of this entry »

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After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

January 21st, 2015
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help.” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Professional Wrestler Suspended for Using Foreigner Instead of Foreign Object in the Ring

January 20th, 2015
You Wanna Complain? Arnold "The Chronic Complainer" Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

You Wanna Complain? Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

OMAHA, NE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz, a star wrestler in the fledgling Heartland Professional Wrestling Association (HPWA) was suspended for violating league rules last weekend by using a foreign object in his match against the Gargler. It was later discovered that the foreign object was actually a foreigner named Stavros Plakokefalos of Korinthos, Greece who was visiting his brother, Dimitrios, owner of the Olympia Diner on Omaha’s south side. Read the rest of this entry »

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After Loss, Packers Fans Cope With Shattering Realization They Also Live in Fucking Green Bay

January 19th, 2015
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What a Packass! Brandon Bostick losing his grip.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After playing arguably the most conservative 4th quarter in NFL playoffs history, the Green Bay Packers found themselves on the losing end of a miraculous overtime comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game. The final score was 28-22. The loss, which appeared like a sure win for the Packers, left their fans in utter shock. Read the rest of this entry »

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Class Jock Plans for Empty, Uneventful Life Six Years Down the Road

January 16th, 2015

OIL CITY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oil City Senior High School’sLogan Van Horn, an all-star quarterback from last season, headed into his senior year with high expectations.

“The goal is to make the playoffs again.” said 5’9” pass thrower. “And for me to maintain a relationship with (head cheerleader) Colette Jansen. We’ve been going out since 9th grade.”

Van Horn, is generally regarded as an accurate passer with decent arm strength, but too small to play division one college football.

“What we’ve got here is the typical high school jock who’s enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame, local as it may be, and riding it for whatever it’s worth.” said Assistant Coach Glenn Connors. “You know how it goes. You peak early, then, not long after graduating, you’re stuck here driving a forklift down at the beer distributor after a failed attempt at a division three walk on. Then you marry Colleen or Corine or Colette, whatever the hell her name is, and rent an apartment on the north side of town and eat frozen dinners and watch reality TV all night. But until that day, I hope to see a lot of touchdowns from this kid.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

January 14th, 2015

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 79 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Identical Twins Freak Out High School Basketball Conference by Posting Identical Stats

January 13th, 2015

Two evil heads are better than one. The Cavaracchi Twins, Timmy and Tommy, are using their telekinetic gifts to freak out a Maryland town.

POTOMAC, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Identical twins are terrifying the Washington D.C. suburb of Potomac, Maryland. Not by committing crimes or even making any threats, but by accomplishing something that until now, seemed impossible. Timmy and Tommy Cavaracchi, senior forwards at Winston Churchill High School who both stand 6’4’’, have exactly the same stats in every single category – points, rebounds, steals, and assists. Read the rest of this entry »

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Deep-Pocketed Donors Line Up for Chris Christie—Jerry Jones Fusion Ticket in 2016

January 12th, 2015
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The White Stuff. Christie-Jones gunning for DC.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The GOP has some recalibrating to do after one of its darlings, New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, has teamed up with Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, to form an exploratory committee with the goal of  launching a third party candidacy for the White House.

“It’s no secret, Governor Christie and Mr. Jones have become quite chummy,” said political analyst, Caspar Lopez. “What began as a sports acquaintance with Christie being a lifelong fan of Jones’ Cowboys, has since transformed into not only a deep friendship, but serious plans for a presidential run in 2016.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Forty-three Seconds of Wholesome Sports TV Accidentally Shown during Porn Channel’s Top Show

January 9th, 2015
Stunning Bunt! Arnie Testa settles in for his favorite porn show, but gets the surprise of his life courtesy of a former Mets and Braves second baseman.

Stunning Bunt! Arnie Testa settles in for his favorite porn show, but gets the surprise of his life courtesy of a former Mets and Braves second baseman.

RENO, NV. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arnie Testa loves watching pornography. Testa, who works in a travel agency in Reno, Nevada is just one of the thousands of cable subscribers in the area who have added the Load Channel, a sexually explicit pornographic station available on Liberty Cable’s Deluxe Package. Read the rest of this entry »

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