February 4th, 2016
Oh Nuts! Looks like these puppies will get clipped next week.
CHARLOTTE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a procedure Hendrick Racing pit crew member Kyle Jenkins claims is “tricky,” NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson will have the truck nuts removed from his Dodge Ram. Read the rest of this entry »
February 2nd, 2016
Screwball. Jimmy Manson’s avant-garde baseball theories might have a ripple effect throughout the entire Mets system.
ST. LUCIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jimmy Manson, the 47 year old bastard son of killer Charles Manson was named Bench Coach of the New York Mets Single-A affiliate, St. Lucie Mets.
The younger Manson, who bears a striking resemblance to his infamous father, says he doesn’t remember much about his dad and was raised by his aunt and uncle. His mother, known simply as “Buzzie,” disappeared without a trace in June of 1969, though it is believed her voice can be heard singing backup on a series of folk-rock recordings by the Manson Family done at Spahn Ranch in the spring of 1968.
“I saw him play guitar once,” he said. “Of course that was a year before he decided to flip out and go on an acid fueled murder spree.” Read the rest of this entry »
February 1st, 2016
Life’s No Pro Bowl of Cherries. Carter Duncan is really bummed out no one cared about his Pro Bowl party.
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Team Irvin rolled over Team Rice 49-27 in Sunday’s Pro Bowl. But that’s taking a back seat to one young man’s plight. Carter Duncan loves football. From Pop Warner to the NFL, if there’s a game to watch, you can bet he’s watching. But now the Temple University grad feels disillusioned. After inviting several friends including some of his Alpha Chi Rho fraternity brothers to his Pro Bowl party, he came up completely empty.
“Not one person. This fuckin’ blows!” lamented Duncan who shares an apartment with his roommate Tim Sasnowski on Shunk Street in South Philadelphia. “The response was exactly the same across the board. They tell me I’m nuts – they tell me no one holds Pro Bowl parties – that I couldn’t have picked a more low level, anti-climactic event for a reason to get blitzed. Even my roommate wasn’t around. All this after I dropped three large on wings, pizza, meatballs, sausage, those mini hot dog thingies, shrimp, and four kinds of beer.” Read the rest of this entry »
January 29th, 2016
Boat Gig. Bieber hopes to work up to cruise ship.
SANTA CLARA, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With halftime entertainment arrangements still being planned for Super Bowl 50 on February 7, 2016, plans are in place for the Ty-D-Bol halftime show. Teenage pop icon, Justin Bieber has signed on to play the low profile gig, in a yet to be determined alternate parking area around Levi’sStadium. A toilet is yet to be secured, Eljer® and American Standard® are finalists in a heating bidding war.
The embattled singer is attempting a career comeback after several run ins with the law, as well as a decline in popularity. Read the rest of this entry »
January 28th, 2016
WTF? This kid’s a star.
LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.
The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. Read the rest of this entry »
January 26th, 2016
Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.
SACRAMENTO, CA (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 15th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws.
The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.
“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.” Read the rest of this entry »
January 25th, 2016
According to a former flight attendant who bedded both Mickey Mantle and Vice President Spiro Theodore Agnew, the disgraced former Veep was the superior batsman. “I used to plead nolo contendre everytime we made love — and he’d just keep hammering away.”
NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He was a long-ball threat every time he slipped under the covers.
“Mickey was a lot of fun and a beautiful man, but Spiro was a beast. People used to say he looked like a burrowing animal in a business suit. He did, actually. But it was the intensity of his burrowing that made his love-making so satisfying.”
Former Eastern Airlines flight attendant Martha Haines claims to have conducted simultaneous affairs with Richard Nixon’s vice president, Spiro Agnew, and Yankee great Mickey Mantle. In his new memoir, “In My Rear View Mirror,” veteran TV sports reporter Sal Marchiano writes that Haines bedded Mantle over an eight-year period in which she also carried on with Agnew during his White House years. Read the rest of this entry »
January 22nd, 2016
CVS Presents. CVS Pharmacy Technician Tyler “Scooter” Post waits to see whether a Thorazine refill is recovered from aisle four before making the call.
VALPARAISO, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Tyler “Scooter” Post, a pharmacy technician at a local Valparaiso Indiana CVS Pharmacy has taken prescription dispensing to a new level. The 25 year old Post, who’s penchant for doing what he calls “play by play prescriptions” on the store’s PA system, has riled several customers who prefer to keep their health conditions private.
“Scooter’s certainly a colorful young man,” says Pharmacy Manager Alan Castle. “He’s wonderful behind the counter, and no one fills a bottle of cough syrup with as much aplomb as this kid, but for some reason he has an uncontrollable urge to snap into this sports announcer character who speaks mostly in the third person and goes really over the top when Mrs. (Bertha) Jenkins picks up her monthly supply of Cardizem.”
The delusional Post explained. “I’ve been working at CBS for 18 months now. I really enjoy it. The people here at the network are great. Admittedly, I’m kind of in an odd training period, with this whole prescription thing, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get on air. I’m young.” Read the rest of this entry »
January 20th, 2016
Pick Me a Winner Bobby. Bobby Cofski fixated on the snowy, jury rigged feed of Cambodian baseball.
SUNRISE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Bobby Cofski, the renowned baseball enthusiast, refers to post World Series October through Opening Day as the “dark time.”
“Until the regular season opens, the world doesn’t exist.” the business entrepreneur lamented. “Therefore I lose myself in a manufactured Shangri La of lower level brand baseball played by athletes longing to escape from beneath the oppressive thumb of their totalitarian overlords set to a pulsating Billy Joel soundtrack.”
Cofski was up till 4:13 AM watching Battambang defeat Kampong Speu in a hotly contested pitching duel between Nhean Houy and Sovann Oung. Cofski finagled his cable feed in order to pick up CTV9 directly out of Phnom Penh. Read the rest of this entry »
January 19th, 2016
One Hit Blunder. Only known pic of Liddell.
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On June 3, 1990 catcher Dave Liddell made his first and only appearance in the Major Leagues with the New York Mets. In his only at-bat, he singled then “retired” with a perfect 1.000 batting average.
There are others in baseball who’ve accomplished the same feat, but none have used the achievement to their advantage quite the way Liddell has.
Shunned by his girlfriend Molly Hoover in 1988, the career minor leaguer vowed he’d make the Majors someday, and she would rue the day she turned her back on a “future” Major Leaguer. Immediately after game, he called her to tell her what he had done, and that big bucks were on the way, which she of course would miss out on.
Read the rest of this entry »
January 18th, 2016
Clown Throws it Down. Class Clown, Anthony Gorbis is a powerhouse center and a laughs getter.
WESTON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Anthony Gorbis, an 18 year old senior at Coconut Tech, poured in 32 points last night as his Coladas rolled over the Lincoln High School Pioneers 81-66 to win the Tri-County district championship.
Gorbis, long known as the class clown, has been at odds with his coaches, teammates and even the Florida Interscholastic Athletic Association (FIAA), for squirting seltzer in the eyes of opponents, throwing pies in the face of opposing coaches, and coming out for warmups naked.
“He’s a real class clown,” said former Coconut Tech shooting guard, Bobby Larabee, the team’s all-time leading scorer, now 44. “I try to make all the games, and you just never know what this kid’s gonna do.”
“It’s not often you see the best athlete in school also be such a cut up,” said sports psychologist, Dr. Constantine Kyriazis. “I’ve been observing Anthony since his sophomore year, when he dropped 26 on Shula Prep while wearing a thong. It’s clearly a cry for attention, but I don’t care what you say, this motherfucker’s funny.” Read the rest of this entry »