BREAKING SPORTS

On Vacation

September 23rd, 2016

imagesThe Sportsman’s Daily will return on Monday, October 3. 🙂

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BELOW THE FOLD

Lockdown: Introducing TSD’s Sideline Reporter Ric “Word” Testaverde, Federal Inmate 18230-1113

September 20th, 2016

 

 

TSD’s “sideline” reporter, Ric Testaverde.

 

Ric “Word” Testaverde

First, a shout out to my boys over at the Daily. Taking a shot on an inmate ain’t no simple thing. I mean, anyone who been reading my shit for the past four years knows I got game. Of course if you’ve been reading my shit you’re doing time, unless you’re one of them fucked up cats that subscribe to prison rags – in which case you’re probably some fat, horny chick with a big ole ass hanging out of a thong who likes baking us them cakes that taste like burnt rubber and cotton balls. Big Sid over in Cell Block C, he sucks em down, me, I get one of them nasty ass things and I’m putting it under the pillow of some cat whose head I wanna see over a toilet bowl, puke pouring out like shit from a busted septic tank.

But I got to give the TSD dudes props – not just for giving me a shot, but hey, I’m out in three years and I’ll be looking for a steady gig. I been in five federal pens in the past eight years. The day I’m out first place I go is the Daily home office to thank the fellas and make a couple of calls. I got plans. Read the rest of this entry »

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Dodger Dog Vendor Blamed for Most of LA’s Heart Disease

September 19th, 2016

 

Doggin’ It! Cardiac patients need to cross this little lovely off their list. But vendor Phil Ferraro says, “Relax. Take a bite.”

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Dodger Dog – a simple frankfurter in a bun that is widely regarded as the very best in major league baseball, is as much a piece of Los Angeles Dodgers history as a Maury Wills stolen base or a Sandy Koufax strikeout. Hot dog vendor Phil Ferraro has been working the field box level at Dodger Stadium since the early seventies. He estimates he’s personally sold over nine-hundred thousand Dodger Dogs and is quickly approaching the one million mark. “That’s a helluva lotta cholesterol,” the fifty-nine year old wiener jockey said. “I look at these people on the aisle ordering three dogs for the fat guy in seat 12 and think to myself, ‘this poor bastard’s gonna be dead before the fifth inning.’ But as much as it pains me to contribute to their inevitable heart disease, I do derive a guilty pleasure from seeing their faces light up when they take that first bite – the mustard, relish and dog juice dripping down their double chins. ” Read the rest of this entry »

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Oldest Astros Fan Still Searching for His Team in NL Central Standings

September 15th, 2016
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Damn Typos. Roderick “Red” Newton-Ayers at local eatery searching desperately for his team.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Roderick “Red” Newton-Ayers, 97, the head of the conglomerate, Texas T Oil, has followed his team since they entered the National League in 1962 as the Colt 45’s in Major League Baseball’s second year of expansion.

Now, the rapidly aging Newton-Ayers is up in arms about being unable to find his team in the baseball standings.

“They must be here somewhere.” the irate magnate yelled, as his man servant, Lars massaged his thighs while he engaged his usual breakfast of grapefruit, a scrambled egg, and two slices of bacon. “What in all things holy is going on here? I’m looking at the bottom of the NL Central. They should be there!” Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Seahawks’ 12th Man Under PED Investigation

September 13th, 2016
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The Loud Crowd. Seattle’s 12th man should be quaking in their boots.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  When your home crowd actually registers on the Richter Scale and causes a minor earthquake, it’s time to take a peek under the hood.

The Seattle Seahawks fan base has long been known for being the loudest in professional sports. Last weekend, they set a new world record for decibels setting off seismic activity.

“Fortunately, the team was away Sunday and suffered a loss  – which I’m hoping defuses the previously unyielding mania.” said Seismologist, Gerhardt Pferd Sheisen, of the Pacific Rim Institute in nearby Kent, Washington.  “I’m convinced the fans are jazzed up on steroids, which could lead to a big quake, potential structural damage, and one hell of a league fine.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Full Tilt of NFL Action to Open Week One; Several Wives Inexplicably Vanish

September 12th, 2016
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Silence of the Lambs. NFL wife Lisa Lamb is missing.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Week One of the 2016 NFL season is under way. San Francisco 49ers fan, George Lamb and his friends are primed to enjoy a party replete with beer, wings, sausage and pizza for tonight’s Monday match up with the LA Rams. Lamb is trying to avoid what happened last year. Things seemed as normal as can be, but at the start of the second quarter on that opening night, George couldn’t find his wife of 8 years, Lisa.

Read the rest of this entry »

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NFL UPDATE: North Jersey Family Prepares Not to See Dad Till February

September 9th, 2016
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NF-Hell. Larry Tripp’s disappearing act, coming soon, and through February.

NETCONG, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Maureen Tripp and her three children, Mark, 13, Leon, 11, and Audra, 8, are preparing not to see husband and father, Larry Tripp, 44, till after the Super Bowl in early February, 2017.

The foreman at Lombardi Manufacturing in nearby Budd Lake, is expected to disappear without a trace beginning in Week One of the NFL season. Tripp, a lifelong New York Jets fan, will shuttle between work, his Man Cave (off limits to his immediate family members), his friend Tony Sacco’s house, and three or four undisclosed bars in the North Jersey area.

“I expect to miss a significant portion of my children growing up,” said Tripp. “But I’ll be updated via texts of basic goings on from time to time. Football takes precedence over everything.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Creepy Dummy Freaking Out Marlins’ Bullpen Pitchers

September 8th, 2016

 

Dummy Up. When Willy is around, pitchers pay attention.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Not only are the Miami Marlins’ post season hopes fading fast, buy they now must endure the unyielding, horrific glare of Willy, the abandoned dummy in seat 18, row, 3, section 13 at Marlins Park.

“Somehow that dummy just finds it’s way into that seat day after day.” said Marlins hurler Mike Dunn. “It stares at you. You feel it watching you. Then, suddenly it’s gone and reappears in different parts of the park – that evil grin and unblinking eyes fixated on you. Christ all mighty! Make it stop.” Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Steve Bartman Found Lurking In Cubs’ Laundry

September 6th, 2016
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The Bart Cart. Steve Bartman wheels around in Cubs’ laundry. Could more disappointment be far behind?

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Steve Bartman, the ostracized Chicago Cubs fan, who famously interfered with a catchable ball in the 2003 NLCS, and possibly thwarted the Cubs’ chances of making the World Series, is back.

The bespectacled Bartman was seen nestled amongst tee shirts and athletic supporters in the Cubs’ laundry bins at Wrigley Field.

“He’s up to something,” said Cubs’ manager, Joe Maddon. “And I gotta be honest, it makes me a little queasy.”

Any mention of Bartman stirs up deep emotion with many Cubs fans. Some have forgiven him, but others can’t let go of the infamous Chicagoan. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Baseball Fan Who Tried to Smoke Phillies Pitching Coach Rich Dubee Finally Released

September 1st, 2016

Smoke-a-Dubee. Hensley Dawson, a (like totally huge) proponent of marijuana use, stumbled out of the stands in Miami during a Marlins-Phillies game and attempted to smoke Phillies pitching coach, Rich Dubee. He was arrested moments later. Dawson said he found Dubee a bit harsh and full of seeds and stems.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A recent series between the Philadelphia Phillies and Miami Marlins brought plenty of thrills in an early season, but exciting National League East race. Still, that excitement was nothing compared to the incident that occurred during the series’ final game. A Marlins fan came sauntering out of the upper deck, was somehow able to sneak past security, and sit down next to Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee in an attempt to smoke him.

Hensley Dawson has been a South Florida resident for nearly two years and the Jamaican native says he’s planned getting to Dubee since he’s been in the United States.

“The Jamaican culture demands that our people explore all the possibilities of expanding our consciousness man,” said Dawson. “With a name like Dubee, I was pretty sure that by just taking a long drag on him, I’d have myself my own personal little transcendental event. Of course, I was wrong.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Two-Legged Modesto Man Disqualified from One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest

August 30th, 2016

 

 

Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.

SACRAMENTO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 12th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws. The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.

“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.” Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Old College Buddies Elect Not to Invite Vegan Friend Paul to Sports Bar

August 29th, 2016
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Casting a Paul. Paul Lowry’s company is no longer required.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jack McKenna, 30, Steve Reinhart, 29, and Tony Rizzo, also 29, all of Oakland will be taking in Game 3 of the NBA Finals tonight at the Warehouse Bar and Grill on Webster Street. Conspicuously missing will be longtime friend and college classmate, Paul Lowry. The four attended San Jose State University together and claimed to have a close bond built around their shared passions for sports, music, and bar-b-ques. But that bond has slowly crumbled when Lowry chose to embrace the vegan lifestyle.

“We were really supportive at the beginning,” said McKenna. “Paul had struggled with weight for several years, and we wanted him around. He lost forty pounds in no time, and looked great. But then things changed.” Read the rest of this entry »

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