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BREAKING SPORTS

New Study Reveals Three Out of Four Referees “Have Feelings”

April 18th, 2014

Pictured modelling the new Spring line of officiating gear, NFL Referee Sven Gundersson is manfully unafraid to reveal his feminine side. New study calls for refs, players, coaches and fans to be more attuned to each other’s needs.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A new study issued by the “National Association of Sports Officiating” finds that referees, no matter the sport, are highly sensitive to criticism, ranking ahead of artists, neurosurgeons, team owners and first wives.

The NBA and NFL have recently implemented rules curbing what respective league officials deem “excessive player emotion,” ranging from taunting to snickering when a blank stare is more appropriate. It’s long been common practice to either reprimand or fine coaches who publicly criticize officials. According to several recent surveys, players – and coaches — are on balance complying, but not enough to please those involved in authoring today’s report.

“I think the problem is structural – refs are only there to punish bad behavior, which only perpetuates the cycle of mistrust and anger,” said Edward Ellis Armstrong, a former prison warden who participated in the study. “This is exactly why we believe refs need to reward good behavior. You receive a gentle pat on the butt from a player, refs need to find ways of reciprocating beyond offering a gentle pat in return.”

The report recommended a new system for conveying affirmation to players and coaches who exhibit exemplary on-court etiquette. For instance, a raised thumb followed by a cocked eyebrow means “jolly good.” A clearing of the throat followed by a deep knee-bend means “bung-ho, old chap.” While an outstretched middle finger followed by a well-meaning chuckle means “good show, well done, meet me after the game at McGinty’s for a pint and a bit of a chat.” Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

TSD’s Resident Chimp Reprimanded for Unprofessional Behavior

April 17th, 2014

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles’ microwave episode in TSD’s lunchroom.

BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily  management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published. Read the rest of this entry »

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After Taking Viagra, Albert Pujols Hits Home Runs Four Hours After Game Ends

April 16th, 2014

 

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Engorged En Fuego! Albert Pujols is ready for anything.

ANAHEIM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Oakland Athletics defeated the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 10-9 in eleven innings on Tuesday night. Though he suffered through an 0-5 in the ballgame, the future Hall of Famer, Albert Pujols showed he wasn’t through competing, as he cranked homer after homer during a rare post game batting practice.

It was learned later that Pujols had taken Viagra, not a banned substance in Major League Baseball, and in his engorged state, demanded to keep playing. That’s when batting practice pitcher Hank Stone served up a steady diet of fastballs for Pujols, who promptly deposited them in the farthest reaches of the ballpark. Read the rest of this entry »

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Poker Player with Interminable Poker Face Dead After All

April 15th, 2014

Ace-hole? Not exactly. It wasn’t gamesmanship -it was death.

LAS VEGAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jethro “Dead Eye” Salinger lived up to his nickname on Thursday night when opponents couldn’t get him to ante up.

“He just sort of stayed there, staring straight ahead, motionless,” said Jimmy “The Lion” Nicosia. “We thought it was just another element of his world renowned gamesmanship, but it went on too long, even for him. That’s when we realized he was dead.”

The players at the Las Vegas Tournament of Poker Wizards 8 waited an unprecedented seven hours and twenty-three minutes before finally checking for a pulse. Read the rest of this entry »

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THE MASTERS: Guy Who Always Yells “Get in the Hole” Is Placed in Large Hole

April 14th, 2014

 

Hole-y Shit! “Get in the hole” guy Larry Barker gets to live by his words. In a manner of speaking.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Springtime in Georgia means The Masters.  And the first leg of the grand slam always seems to feature all the spectacular drama one would expect with exciting headlines like “Bubba Watson Wins Second Green Jacket.” Then there’s the story of Larry Barker.

Barker, perhaps the most annoying fan the sport has known, was again unable to control is bombastic “get in the hole” chants, especially with Smith hitting off the tee.

After repeated pleas to stop, angered Augusta National officials had no choice but to place the 41 year old unemployed lumberjack in a deep hole. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Giant, Mutated John Stockton Emerges from Japanese Forest; Vows Return to NBA

April 11th, 2014

 

 

 

Heavy D. Mutated John Stockton displays defensive style he plans on bringing back to the NBA.

 

 

NEAR MOUNT FUJI, JAPAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the greatest point guards in NBA history, not much has been heard from former Utah Jazz great John Stockton since his 2003 retirement. That is until yesterday, when the once 6’1’’ player emerged from the dreaded Aokigahara forest at the base of Mount Fuji a stunning seventy feet tall.

“What’s happened to him? Jesus Howard Christ! What in God’s name has happened to him?” said Rick Adams, an American scientist studying fossils in Hokkaido. “Perhaps it’s some kind of Napoleon Complex thing. I know he was short, but talk about overcompensating. And those teeth.” Read the rest of this entry »

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TSD Staffer on Retro Day: I Gotta Write on a Typewriter Now? This F**kin’ Blows!

April 10th, 2014

 

Office Pace, Laid Back. TSD staffers enjoy cocktails and hors d’oeuvres on Retro Day.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happens in all sports. Throwback days.  Professional baseball and football in particular enjoy reaching back to a bygone era and having players don uniforms many feel best left undonned.

Still, fans get a kick out of the occasional trip back in time. That’s why on Wednesday, Sportsman’s Daily management thought it would be fun as well as a morale booster to hold a mandatory Retro Day at the company’s swank penthouse offices in Boca Raton. Read the rest of this entry »

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Entire Amish Community Unaware Native Son Plays in NBA

April 8th, 2014

Hoop Dreams! Jeremiah Zook is out in the world.

LANCASTER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jeremiah Zook, the 23 year old power forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves doesn’t see much playing time. Still, players and fans around the league know who he is.

Sadly, for Zook, there isn’t one person in his hometown who knows his whereabouts.

“We assume Jeremiah is out in the world among the English.” wrote Amish town elder, Jonas Platt of Lancaster in a letter to the Philadelphia Inquirer in September. “I’m sure he’s knee deep in all the technology and pretty lasses with revealing clothing and progressive ways – those lip licking harlots with the plaid skirts and knee socks and ambitions. Personally, wherever he may be, I wish he’d come home soon, as I’d like to turn over the fields for next growing season. Boy can work a hoe like no other.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Robert De Niro’s Plan to Bring Third Baseball Team to New York Gets Raves at Press Conference

April 7th, 2014

Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. Read the rest of this entry »

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Phillies Release Distraught Jonathan Papelbon This Morning; Pitcher Gone Missing

April 4th, 2014
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The Papel’s Choice. Jonathan Papelbon chose to skip out on everyone after being released.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Phillies, in Chicago for a three game series with the Cubs, have permanently severed ties with their 50 million dollar closer, Jonathan Papelbon after consecutive poor outings, and what the team describes as “erratic behavioral issues.”

The relief ace was informed his services were no longer needed by the team’s General Manager, Ruben Amaro Jr. The Phillies are responsible however for paying him the remainder of his contract, an estimated 26 million dollars.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

April 3rd, 2014

 

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat. “The chicks like the whips and the hand-to-hand combat on horse back, but a headless goat doesn’t test well,” said Elliot Folz, a prominent sports marketing professional.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The  game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi,  pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd. Read the rest of this entry »

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Four Out of Five NASCAR Drivers Depend on DEPEND®

April 2nd, 2014

 

Official NASCAR waste retardant/leak inhibitor eliminates unnecessary pit stops.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —  Auto racing is a classic nature vs. machine contest in more ways than one. Indeed, one of the central mysteries of auto racing — one of its most guarded secrets — is how drivers answer the call of nature. Specifically, as they remain strapped in for miles and miles with intermittent pit stops for tire and oil changes, how do they manage to relieve themselves, as even the shortest trips to the head can cost the driver and his team precious seconds — time that can prove decisive when microseconds separate first from second place.

It turns out that adult diapers – or “adult absorption products” — are a staple of NASCAR. According to Bobby Ray Ellison, a senior member of Jeff Gordon’s pit crew, “You’re driving for several hours, lap after lap after lap, in a hot car, keeping yourself hydrated. You can hold it in for only so long. And what are you gonna do, take 30 seconds to hit the head when races are decided by milliseconds? Hell no. You’re gonna pee in your pants, which are specially equipped to absorb up to two quarts of urine.” Read the rest of this entry »

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