June 23rd, 2016
by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt
Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.
PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.
I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. Read the rest of this entry »
June 21st, 2016
The Stand Up. The Mets arranging a sit down, standing up. Get used to it.
FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Despite a bumpy week, the New York Mets feel the National League East is up for grabs. Now, after discovering opposing teams have been stealing their signs, the team has elected to scrap traditional baseball signals relayed to the third base coach, and communicate with each other by using elaborate Mafia code. Each player will be briefed privately before each game as to the meaning of individual phrases used by organized crime. Mafiaspeak like “The Brooklyn Thing,” “That Other Thing,” “The Jersey Guy,” “Buy Yourself Somethin’ Nice,” and “The Luchesse Hit” will all refer to direct orders from the manager. However, a buffer will be used between the manager and players. Also, the meanings of the code may change every day or even several times throughout the day. Read the rest of this entry »
June 20th, 2016
Getting Mouthy. Golden State Warriors superstar, Steph Curry’s little gift for the people of Cleveland.
CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled NBA MVP, Stephen Curry, frustrated after a Game 6 loss in Cleveland, infamously hurled his saliva-saturated mouthpiece into the crowd, striking a Cavaliers fan seconds after fouling out. He was ejected from the game as well. Apparently, the spritely shooting guard didn’t learn his lesson. After his Golden State Warriors were unable to close out the series on their home floor in Game 7, losing 93-89 to the Cavaliers, Curry hired a helicopter to dump a large cache of game-used mouthpieces over delirious Cavs fans. Read the rest of this entry »
June 17th, 2016
Hate to eat and sun. But… little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixin’s.
FORT LAUDERDALE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time. And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen. Read the rest of this entry »
June 16th, 2016
No Good Weed Goes Unfinished. TSD Human Resources Director, Rita Lopez inspects the source of inspiration destined for the writer’s lounge.
BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.
Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu.
“We’re talking about writers,” said TSD Editor-in Chief, Charles Epstein. “Naturally, in order to summon their inner William S. Burroughs-cum-Richard Hell, a long hit on the communal water bong depicting the busty likeness of a young Chrissy Evert is an occasional necessity. But the halcyon days of the company’s free flowing supply of weed, mushrooms, and blotter have sadly come to a screeching halt.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 14th, 2016
No runs, warm Schlitz, big error. Little League Father of the Year, Derek Kern is sitting pretty outside Zeke’s Bar and Grille. Even if it means his son has to repress thoughts of being loathed.
FLORENCE, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — For Derek Kern, the decision was an easy one. In the Florence, South Carolina Little League annual draft, Kern selected his son Raymond first. The eleven year old Kern is a pitcher and first baseman for Carl’s Garage Dodgers. He was one of the top hitters on his team last season and area fans felt he was a lock to bat fourth on his dad’s team this upcoming season. Then Derek Kern stunned everyone with an unusual and highly controversial move. He traded Raymond to the rival Hoffer’s Diner A’s for a warm case of Schlitz beer. Read the rest of this entry »
June 13th, 2016
Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles’ microwave episode in TSD’s lunchroom.
BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published. Read the rest of this entry »
June 10th, 2016
To Have and Have Rot. Marlins food promotion goes sour.
MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a promotion intended simply as a nostalgic tip of the cap to classic ballpark food, the Miami Marlins made the gross error of selling leftover, vintage food from the 1960s.
“We contacted Papadakis Food Service and they apparently had some comestibles from the late 60s,” said Assistant Promotions Director, Jerry Lassiter. “I thought they meant the recipes originated in the late 60s. Oops.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 9th, 2016
The Roof Will Set You Free. Joey Parker and his teammates can now enjoy baseball in any kind of weather.
SAVANNAH, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Summer storm season has arrived early in the Southeast. That means the coastal Carolinas, Georgia and Florida can expect plenty of afternoon thunderstorms on a daily basis for the next few months.
“It sucks.” said Joey Parker, 12 year old team leader of his backyard baseball team. “By the time the guys come over to warm up, there’s an ominous, gathering sky that guarantees high winds, torrential downpours and dangerous lightning are just minutes away. Then we have to sit inside and wait it out, sipping on some of my mom’s lemonade and scarfing down some Totino’s® Pizza Rolls, while playing some grab ass with my sister Amanda’s friend Doreen. Quite frankly, it’s gotten tedious over the past three years. That’s when I approached my dad, who put up the money with some of his gambling buddies to build us this nice retractable roof you see right here.” Read the rest of this entry »
June 7th, 2016
Tire Cryer. Liscovich comes to grips.
SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chuck Liscovich, 54, has screwed up the courage to return to his job at Yanko’s Tire Service on Scranton’s South Side. The veteran Assistant Manager adored former World Heavyweight Champion, Muhammad Ali, most of his life, after meeting the boxer at his training camp in Deer Lake, Pennsylvania in the Pocono Mountains in 1973. Read the rest of this entry »
June 7th, 2016
GREENWICH, CT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While sponsors have been slow to come around since his widely reported indiscretions, Tiger Woods’ victory in this past weekend’s Arnold Palmer invitational, has attracted several highly unusual requests. None more so than one made by an unidentified Greenwich couple who have offered to pay the golf superstar a large sum of money to perform a “high risk” circumcision. The couple’s attorney reached out to Tiger Woods, who is neither Jewish nor a licensed mohel in the state of Florida, his primary residence, to perform the ritual removal of their infant son’s foreskin. (A mohel is an observant Jew who has been trained in the relevant Jewish law and surgical techniques.)
What makes this particular procedure so risky and why they are reaching out to Tiger Woods remains unclear.
“In this business you need nerves of steel and a steady hand,” said Arnold Tannenbaum, a licensed mohel. “Tiger’s ability to perform under pressure has been remarkable. But try waving a knife over a bawling infant’s penis which doesn’t hold still for a second…then talk to me about pressure.” Read the rest of this entry »