BREAKING SPORTS

Bumgarner Warns Isis Hopefuls They’re All Doomed by His Pinpoint Grenade Tossing

October 30th, 2014
madison-bumgarner-lobs-grenade-at-ISIS

Tossing Heat. Madison Bumgarner shows opponents what’s in store.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SYRIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Immediately after leading his San Francisco Giants to their third World Series title in five years, Fall Classic MVP, Madison Bumgarner hopped a supersonic transport to an undisclosed location inside Isis’ Syrian stronghold. The 25 year old pitching ace warned aspiring terrorists in training that they had no chance against his pinpoint accuracy and blazing out pitch — a grenade that appears to be away from you, then suddenly breaks inside and rises, reducing your head to “so many chunks of stew-like meat with bones.” Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

October 29th, 2014

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  64 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Monsanto Grows Mutated Cowboys in North Texas Immediately After Loss

October 28th, 2014

Garden Party. Horace and Bernice Lovecraft tend over their garden of “near ready” Cowboys.

IRVING, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a neck and neck game that took overtime to decide, the Washington Redskins defeated the Dallas Cowboys 20-17 behind the surprisingly solid performance of backup quarterback, Colt McCoy.

Immediately after the loss, Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, gave the green light to the Monsanto Corporation to begin harvesting a mutated strain of instant players to be funneled in and out of the Cowboys’ roster at their own discretion. The player garden was at an undisclosed, but heavily fortified location about twenty miles west of the stadium. Read the rest of this entry »

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Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

October 27th, 2014

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 74 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Researchers Harvest Athletes’ Brains for Ghoulish Concussion Study

October 24th, 2014

A serially concussed brain is a terrible thing to waste.

ST. JOHN’S, ANTIGUA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Since Boston University’s School of Medicine announced a special program devoted to studying the he long-term effects of concussions,  a number of retired NFL players have agreed to leave their brains to the center for study.  TSD has now learned that researchers from an unaccredited medical school located in Antigua have been harvesting brains from former athletes within hours of their death. The cadavers include both professional and amateur athletes, ranging from former NFL linemen to sixty-five year old Rick “Beanhead” Templeton, a softball legend who was known to crash head-first into a beer keg after clubbing a round tripper.

The jars containing the brains were found in an industrial refrigerator by a night watchmen employed by the Caribbean island’s medical center. Read the rest of this entry »

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LA Football Fans Abduct Jack Nicholson, Demand NFL Franchise Within Five Years

October 23rd, 2014

86% of LA Residents Unaware City Lacks Pro Football Team

 

Heeere's Jack! Though an LA-based NFL team is nowhere on the horizon. Captors release photo of Jack Nicholson re-enacting scene from "The Shining.

LOS ANGELES  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Los Angeles has been without an NFL franchise of its own since the Raiders moved back to Oakland and the Rams went to St. Louis in 1995. While the Rams played in (and around) LA for close to fifty years (they actually played in Anaheim from 1979-1994), their abrupt departure for St. Louis caused barely a ripple, underscoring what many have long believed: LA’s passive-aggressive culture (“thank you for your time, but we’re going to go ahead and take a pass”) does not lend itself to professional football. Yesterday’s abduction of actor and number one Lakers fan Jack Nicholson by a cadre of disenfranchised Rams fans, offered further proof of the city’s ambivalence, as the news prompted a reassessment not of LA football, but of Nicholson’s career, his recent acting choices, and widespread speculation on who will take his place at court side should negotiations between the LAPD, the NFL and his captors break down. Read the rest of this entry »

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Seattle Pilots Fan Still Waiting for Autograph Promised Him in 1969

October 22nd, 2014
Where's there's a Gil, There's a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil's autograph.

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

 

 

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sportsman’s Daily Still Hoping to One Day Write Article on North Dakota Sports

October 20th, 2014

 

 

 

So Fargo Away. Doesn’t anybody satire in this place anymore?

 

 

FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the long and storied existence of the Sportsman’s Daily, there has never been a time when the editorial staff has found the need to write a story centering on North Dakota sports. Some staffers hope that will change.

TSD’s Fargo office, a small shack near a railroad track with a lamp, a rotary phone, an Underwood® manual typewriter, and an AM radio, was closed in 1994 after the mysterious disappearance of correspondent Buford Wells. Wells had claimed he had unearthed a satirical story on a semi-pro baseball team in Fargo that could shake the then fledgling sports satire world to it’s core.

He was never heard from again. Read the rest of this entry »

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Class Jock Plans for Empty, Uneventful Life Six Years Down the Road

October 17th, 2014

OIL CITY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oil City Senior High School’sLogan Van Horn, an all-star quarterback from last season, headed into his senior year with high expectations.

“The goal is to make the playoffs again.” said 5’9” pass thrower. “And for me to maintain a relationship with (head cheerleader) Colette Jansen. We’ve been going out since 9th grade.”

Van Horn, is generally regarded as an accurate passer with decent arm strength, but too small to play division one college football.

“What we’ve got here is the typical high school jock who’s enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame, local as it may be, and riding it for whatever it’s worth.” said Assistant Coach Glenn Connors. “You know how it goes. You peak early, then, not long after graduating, you’re stuck here driving a forklift down at the beer distributor after a failed attempt at a division three walk on. Then you marry Colleen or Corine or Colette, whatever the hell her name is, and rent an apartment on the north side of town and eat frozen dinners and watch reality TV all night. But until that day, I hope to see a lot of touchdowns from this kid.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Obsessed Will Clark Fan Follows Retired Star to His Auto Dealership Gig to Cheer Him On

October 16th, 2014

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way. A way for an obsessed sociopath to track his every move that is.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he hasn’t had a Major League at bat since 2000, one Will Clark fan apparently refuses to stop cheering. Milton Charles Block, 54, of Mill Valley, California has worshiped the former Giants slugger from afar for years. Now, Block often follows the man they called “The Thrill” to his current place of employment, Valley Nissan.

Clark is Vice President and part owner of the dealership and Block has been seen repeatedly cheering Clark for such acts as approving rebates, observing undercoat application, and “putting a family of four behind the wheel of something sensible today.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Old Greek Guy Vows to Cite One Sports Contribution Greece has Made since Ancient Olympics

October 15th, 2014

A Greek Shall Inherit the Earth; At least according to this guy.

ATHENS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s a clear case of ‘what have you done for me lately?’ And the Greeks are hearing about it. After creating the original Olympic Games in approximately 776 B.C., most Greeks admit they’ve rested on their laurels ever since; at least in terms of contributing to the sports world. But Spyros Papadimitriou insists his country has indeed made a contribution.

“I know we came up with something,” the 84 year old Papadimitriou said through an interpreter to a small contingent of mostly British reporters. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. But I suspect the game may involve a ball and possibly some sheep.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Family Man Not Seen by Wife and Kids Since Football Season Began

October 14th, 2014

Missing From Man Cave. Jerry Larson no longer in basement frightens family.

ROCKVILLE, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jerry Larson, 49, is a respected man in his community. He owns a tool supply company, coaches Little League, plays drums in a wedding band, and worships the Washington Redskins. However, since early September when the season opened, Larson hasn’t been seen by anyone including his family.

Initially, his wife Martha, 46, wasn’t concerned. However, after repeated, unanswered calls for dinner, she became suspicious.  Read the rest of this entry »

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