BREAKING SPORTS

Justin Bieber Inked to Play Ty-D-Bol Halftime Show

August 20th, 2014
tidy-bowl-man

Boat Gig. Bieber hopes to work up to cruise ship.

GLENDALE, AZ. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With halftime entertainment arrangements still being planned for Super Bowl XLIX on February 1, 2015, plans are in place for the Ty-D-Bol halftime show. Teenage pop icon, Justin Bieber has signed on to play the low profile gig, in a yet to be determined alternate parking area around University of Phoenix Stadium. A toilet is yet to be secured, Eljer® and American Standard® are finalists in a heating bidding war.

The embattled singer is attempting a career comeback after several run ins with the law, as well as a decline in popularity.  Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

A TSD Classique: After Humiliating Loss, Quasimodo to Return to Notre Dame to Play Hunchback

August 18th, 2014

Hunch Break. Quasimodo mugs for camera as the Fightin’ Irish break during a recent summer practice.

SOUTH BEND, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Apparently even a 42-14 pounding in a title game isn’t enough to keep this team down.  First there was Rudy, the inspiring story of an against-all-odds player making the Fightin’ Irish football team; now this. Quasimodo, the famed bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame will return to the school from where he was banned 182 years ago in an attempt to make the football team in 2013.

A towering figure in Victor Hugo’s literary masterwork The Hunchback of Notre Dame, from 1831, Quasimodo, a hideous malformed hunchback, was mostly associated with Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris as the church‘s chief bell ringer. But, unbeknownst to most people, he did appear in two scrimmages for Notre Dame University during the late 1800’s when the team was then known as “The Catholics” instead of the Fightin’ Irish, which became the official team name in 1927. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Bill James in Love: Recently Discovered Spreadsheets Reveal Writer’s Unrequited Feelings for Craig Biggio

August 15th, 2014

 

Craig Biggio: Bill James’ decade-long unfulfilled obsession.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)Buried deep beneath mountains of baseball stats and regression analysis beats the heart of an incurable romantic. Based on data and an assortment of pie charts and bar graphs embedded in a series of spreadsheets that were sent to TSD’s Stats and Analysis Desk, for over a decade (1989-1999), Bill James, the father of sabremetrics, was madly in love with Craig Biggio, catcher, second baseman, and briefly centerfielder before retuning to second base for the Houston Astros.

Yesterday, amateur baseball statistician and longtime Bill James correspondent Richard Hastings sent TSD an email attachment containing 23 Excel spreadsheets, spanning the years 1989-1999. According to Dr. Felix Lopez, TSD’s resident statistician, the spreadsheets reveal James’ abiding obsession with the Astros’ star. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Prodigy with Perfect Pitch Mistakenly Signed by Pittsburgh Pirates

August 14th, 2014

Yu Cannot Be Serious! Marc Yu won’t be pitching for the Pirates – at least not till September.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Marc Yu, the twelve year old piano prodigy is not only known for his technical keyboard pyrotechnics, but for having perfect pitch. When Pittsburgh Pirates veteran scout Andy Washeski caught wind of this, he hopped into his 2003 Honda Civic, drove to Yu’s home, and begged the Pirates to sign the wunderkind to a deal. Yu’s parents were a bit perplexed, but allowed the youngster to sign.

Upon inking Yu, Washeski claimed the signing would define his career. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Chester McGlockton Mistakenly Willed Organs for Research to Alma Mater’s English Department

August 13th, 2014

 

 

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

 

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: James Harden Admits to Being Lost Smith Brother

August 12th, 2014

Ahem. A truly Hardened cough.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His unconventional facial hair often overshadows his play, which is why the announcement made late last night isn’t the stunner he thought it would be. Houston Rockets guard James Harden is indeed the long lost brother of William and Andrew Smith, purveyors of the celebrated cherry throat lozenge.

“Ahh…now it all makes sense.” said former Oklahoma Thunder teammate Kevin Durant. “I just couldn’t understand why all the references to ‘those fucking Ludens.’”  Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Stevie Williams Thrashes Mickelson Fan with Sand Wedge; Apologizes for “Ill-Advised” Club Selection

August 11th, 2014

 

 

 

 

Violent outburst last straw as Tiger announces breakup

NEW ZEALAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)“I want to express my deepest gratitude to Stevie for all his help, but I think it’s time for a change,” Woods announced on TigerWoods.com. “Stevie is an outstanding caddie and a friend and has been instrumental in many of my accomplishments. I wish him great success in the future.”

Since the announcement, the golf world was buzzing as to the cause of the breakup. It’s now come out that Williams embarrassed the embattled golfer by using a sand wedge to pummel a vacationing Phoenix native he mistook for a Phil Mickelson fan — apparently not the first violent outburst from Tiger’s long-time caddie — during a charity event in the caddie’s native New Zealand.

 

The incident has a well known back story as one of the least well-guarded secrets on the PGA tour is the up and down relationship between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Ironically, it was the relationship between Tiger and Stevie Williams that took the hit when Williams made his feelings toward the world’s number five golfer known during the weekend event. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: A-Rod’s Massage Parlor Encounter Culminates with Mediocre Ending

August 8th, 2014

Rub a Dub Flub. Madame Force’s rub down finishes apparently don’t live up to the deep tissue massages.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.” Read the rest of this entry »

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TSD Theatre Review: Don’t Waste Your Time with the Abysmal “Wilt Chamberlain Remembers”

August 7th, 2014

by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt

Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.

I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Miami Dolphins Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately — “If Not Sooner”

August 6th, 2014

 

Miami Dolphins present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz. Organization makes it clear that Schultz’ retirement is binding and irreversible.

DELRAY BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Dan Schultz, a fifty-five year old engineer and fanatical Dolphin fan from Delray Beach, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 45 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

“I know everyone’s surprised, but I’ve been planning this for years. You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits. It’s time. You want to go out on your own terms, before the team starts to go bad and you still have your health.”

Word of Schultz’s retirement caught many by surprise.

“Frankly, I wasn’t even aware Dan followed the Dolphins,” said Burt Schottenheimer, a colleague. “Monday morning we’d be talking about the game and then Dan would suddenly appear just on the periphery. I don’t recall Dan ever saying boo, even after a particularly bad loss. We’d just notice him off to the side, pacing, silently fuming, with that far-away look in his eye. With Dan you knew just to smile and keep your movements to a minimum.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Federer to Play in Throwback Slacks, Sweater and Loafers

August 5th, 2014

 

Save for the wood racket (and predilection for pre-pubescent boys), Roger Federer models new look after Big Bill Tilden.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his victory at Indian Wells,  the world’s number 3, Roger Federer, heads into the Sony Ericcson, considered by many to be the “fifth major,” with the wind at his back.  His recent play has not only revived  talk of his return to top form, but rekindles the debate:   is Federer the greatest player of all time? Some argue that he’s the best since the open era began in 1968, when professionals were allowed to compete with amateurs.  The argument becomes increasingly complex when one considers the game’s evolution, from the more genteel sport played in slacks and sweaters to the breathtaking pace of today’s game.

While he’ll never have the opportunity to compete against the Bill Tildens, Don Budges and Rod Lavers – giants of the pre-open era (Laver played in both) – Federer is determined to show he can perform at the highest levels on tennis’s grandest stage in the restrictive throwback garb seldom seen outside of a Ralph Lauren ad. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Kotex New Sponsor of NHL; But Only During Periods

August 4th, 2014

 

 

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Besides trying to not to lose the entire 2012-13 season, the NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for what they hope will be the remainder of this season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.” Read the rest of this entry »

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