This teen’s musical taste doesn’t play to her peers. In TSD AfterDark.

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. Read the rest of this entry »

My I compare thee to a late Fall afternoon, with 30 seconds left on the clock?

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As word of Peyton Manning’s slow recovery from neck surgery lead to rumors of his pending retirement, some are beginning to talk about the quarterback’s legacy and meaning to the game. Whether or not he’ll play another down, one thing is abundantly clear: Peyton Manning’s 45 fourth quarter game winning drives is the stuff of legend.  The Unitases, the Montanas, the Ellways…all were legendary for maintaining cool heads in nervous huddles, leading lesser men to improbable victory.  Peyton Manning has joined the pantheon of all-time clutch performers,  as he is clearly made of similar stuff…but with a previously unknown wrinkle: poetry, specifically canonical English and American poetry, from Shakespeare to Keats, T.S. Elliot to Wallace Stevens. Read the rest of this entry »

All Flash. Omega Flash Mob serenades crowd and sends message to Superman.

ORLANDO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Shoppers at Festival Bay Mall in Orlando were caught off guard yesterday as the Omega Flash Mob suddenly broke into song with lyrics targeted at Orlando Magic star Dwight Howard. They begged the center/power forward to please “shut yer freekin’ pie hole,” a clear reaction to Howard’s recent overtures of wanting to leave the Magic.

Though Howard was some 900 miles north in Philadelphia suffering another loss at the hands of the Sixers, the message got through to him loud and clear. Read the rest of this entry »

Mr. Fret. The iconic mascot lets it all out.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Standard and Poor’s (S&P), the US based financial service company and one of the big three credit rating agencies worldwide, has downgraded the New York Metropolitans National League Baseball Club (Mets) to the unprecedented status of “really shitty.”

A combination of the Wilpon family being victimized by the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme scandal, poor management, over-valued contracts, and a variety of other confounding team operation decisions have all played a part in reducing the Mets to the “really shitty” status. This came after first being classified as “plain shitty” just five months ago. Only two teams have seen their ratings plummet to the “plain shitty” status; the 1977 Oakland A’s and 1998 Florida Marlins, one year after both teams’ ownerships held a fire sale, dumping their most expensive contracts. Read the rest of this entry »

The Sandy Man Can. Jerry Sandusky eulogizes JoePa in his own special way.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled former Penn State assistant coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky eulogized legendary head coach Joe Paterno yesterday in a private ceremony from his backyard seen on closed circuit television by a selected group of relatives and friends, including iconic film director, Roman Polanski. Read the rest of this entry »

You Like My Music Pops? Steven Tyler tries to right a wrong and fails.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Alec Hotko, a 94 year old veteran of World War II, has remained in remarkably good health through the years. He attributes it to what he calls “clean living.” But Hotko was with family last Sunday when he suddenly lost nearly all his hearing just moments after Aerosmith legend Steven Tyler’s universally panned rendition of The Star Spangled Banner roared through his grandson’s home theatre system. Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem was sung shortly before the AFC Title Game between the Baltimore Ravens and Hotko’s hometown New England Patriots.

“I can’t hear a blasted thing now thanks to that pinko commie longhaired little punk.” the Battle of Anzio veteran lamented. Read the rest of this entry »

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for the remainder of the 2011-12 season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.” Read the rest of this entry »

Hate to eat and sun. But… little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixin's.

FORT LAUDERDALE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time.  And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen. Read the rest of this entry »