BREAKING SPORTS

Jim Rome’s Clones Begin Attack on Earth; Toledo Ohio Sports Bar Leveled

July 24th, 2014

Clone Heads. Jim Rome’s clones have launched their assault on planet Earth!

TOLEDO, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) He hosts the most popular sports radio show in America.  Jim Rome, the veteran sports talker with the robotic delivery has dubbed his listeners “clones.” The radio industry has viewed the pet name as typical showmanship and paid no attention to the subtle, cryptic warnings regarding a convert, sinister plot Rome has planned for years. Yesterday that plot was put into motion as fourteen men marched into Zonar’s, a Toledo, Ohio sports bar with laser guns and destroyed it. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

DBacks Infielder Chris Owings Falls Off Cliff; Suddenly Reappears in Next Inning

July 23rd, 2014
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Cliffhanger. Chris Owings named comeback player of the year.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) You’ve seen it in cartoons time and time again, now Arizona Diamondbacks shortstop, Chris Owings is bringing the innovative stunt to the big leagues. Owings needed to use the restroom between the bottom of the fourth and top of the fifth innings during Tuesday night’s 5-4 victory over the Detroit Tigers. Somehow he got off course, and wound up outside the Phoenix metroplex in a nearby desert area. He spotted what appeared to be a roadrunner and decided to chase it for kicks. Before he knew it, he had hurtled himself off a 123 foot cliff, hovered in the air a moment, just long enough to hold up a homemade sign that read “Oh, shit!” then plummeted to a sure death, winding up in a puff of smoke (see accompanying artist’s rendering). Miraculously, Owings ran out to field his position seemingly unharmed after a brief suspension of play.  Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Roger Ailes Tours Xinhua News Agency: “There’s a Lot to Like”

July 22nd, 2014

 

Fox News President admires Chinese news agency’s fawning coverage of its athletes. “Here, we have to be more fair and balanced — unless it involves a godless Democrat who looks French, favors the death tax and supports same-sex activity outside the sanctity of a bathroom stall.”

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Journalists with the Xinhua News Agency are hand-picked and indoctrinated to produce media reports that give the official point of view of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). While even Fox News’ most vocal detractors would admit that its hiring practices and training programs are several degrees short of those employed by the  CCP, Fox News chief Roger Ailes can dare to dream. After Ailes was given a (carefully) guided tour of the Xinhua newsroom (limiting his exposure to their sports reporting apparatus), he came away impressed with what he saw.

“Very professional and disciplined, always on message – a model we can all learn from,” said Ailes, the subject of a recent article in Rolling Stone that portrayed Ailes as a paranoid control freak.  “While I’d like to see our athletes covered in a more favorable light, their special effects department is second to none. I was watching an international competition where our girls compete on the uneven bars and I notice they all have six o’clock shadows and unnatural, uh, bulges – very deft Photoshop work.”

Ailes was particularly impressed with the powers the news agency attributes to the Communist leadership. Read the rest of this entry »

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After Missing British Open Cut, Tiger Woods Loses to Little Billy Jensen at Windmill Hole

July 21st, 2014

 

 

Run of the Mill. Tiger fell apart at the infamous windmill.

 

SAVANNAH, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of not making the cut at the British Open, a long struggling Tiger Woods was hoping to lift his spirits with a game of miniature golf at Silly Shotz Miniature Golf Course.

His opponent was nine year old Billy Jensen of nearby Eulonia.

Woods stayed even with Jensen through seven holes, then took the lead by getting a hole in one through the clown’s mouth prompting his patented fist pump which thrilled the gathering gallery who cheered the fallen golf star’s every move. But once again it all proved to be temporary as the troubles that have hounded Woods’ game for years reared their ugly head at the baby hippo. An errant shot glanced off the hippo’s hind quarters an onto an adjacent hole disrupting Missy Butler’s birthday party.  The seven year old Butler began crying which delayed the match for nearly twenty minutes. Read the rest of this entry »

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Nats’ Asst. Clubhouse Manager’s Domineering Mother Won’t Leave Locker Room

July 18th, 2014
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Mom’s the Word. Mother won’t take the hint.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals Assistant Clubhouse Manager, Nathan Landers, preps players’ lockers, cleans uniforms, and makes sure everything is in order for the team both at home and on the road. He owes much of his organizational skills to his mom, Dorothy. Though he acknowledges his mother’s attention to detail, he also claims she was an overprotective, manipulative nuisance during his childhood and adolescence, and still nags the 41 year old MLB employee on a daily basis with texts, phone calls, emails, and even hand written letters. Now, she’s taken things a step further.   Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

July 17th, 2014

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After another incident occurred in last night’s Philadelphia Eagles 27-17 victory over the New York Giants, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

July 16th, 2014

 

Former Minnesota Twins batboy Timmy Tanner captured in undated photo unleashing primal howl as he prepares to rip the arms off an unauthorized clubhouse visitor.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Barry Bonds isn’t the only one making steroids-related news.

Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.

Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.

“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star  catcher Joe Mauer when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?” Read the rest of this entry »

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A Swift Kick to the Balls is the Newest Form of Celebration After Walk-off

July 15th, 2014
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Totally Nuts! That’s what ballplayers are calling this latest form of celebrating.


TAMPA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)
As the 2014 baseball season hits the unofficial halfway point and the pennant races heat up, walk off wins are becoming more dramatic. And with all the furor comes the obligatory celebrations at home plate as the winning run scores.

In the past, high fives and pats on the back, as well as shaving cream pies to the face were commonplace as the author of the winning hit soldiered through on-field post game interviews. However, suddenly, things have taken a more sinister turn.  Players are now doubling over in eye crossing pain as their teammates rear back and launch a bracing kick to the scrotal sac; The new term of endearment.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Germany Defeats Argentina for World Cup; Promises to Annex Austria Peacefully

July 14th, 2014
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Merkel on Ice. German Chancellor is trying to be chill about the whole thing.

BERLIN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Germany has won it’s fourth World Cup when they defeated Argentina in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on Sunday. Mario Gotze scored the game winning goal in extra time propelling the Germans to a 1-0 victory.

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel announced minutes after the victory that neighboring Austria will be annexed immediately.

“We’re just riding the wave of jubilation, and annexing Austria seemed the thing to do,” said Merkel, adjusting her monocle and pacing back and forth in a dimly lit room, rhythmically slapping her left thigh with a riding crop. “Hopefully the rest of the world won’t get their unterwäsche in a bunch and jump to the usual assumptions. Nothing will change in Austria. Nothing! That said, I won’t mince words — we can do this peacefully, or the Austrians can be dicks about it and force me into being distasteful.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Miami Heat: Chris “Birdman” Andersen Announces Return to Tattoo Parlor

July 11th, 2014
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Absurd Bird. Birdman has some work to do.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of LeBron James’ return to Cleveland, and what promises to be a revolving door of roster moves, the Miami Heat announced today that Power Forward, Chris “Birdman” Andersen will return to Billy Joe’s Tattoo Gallery for the 2014-15 season.

“I need to keep up appearances, and quite frankly, there are a few square inches on me that need to be inked up,” said Andersen. “The underside of my scrotal sac for example is largely bare, as well as the inside of my eyelids. So we’re exploring our options. Of course I’ll need at least a year to adjust emotionally.”

The Heat as well aren’t leaving any stone unturned. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Diver Produces Actual Long Missing “Flare for the Dramatic”

July 11th, 2014

Flare Package. Preston Dodds with the elusive “Flare for the Dramatic”

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After tagging a solo homer in the tenth inning Wednesday leading the Dodgers to a 5-4 victory over the red hot Florida Marlins, right fielder Andre Ethier told reporters the elusive “flare for the dramatic must be near here somewhere.”

He was right.

Similar to renowned 19th century archaeologist Heinrich Schliemann using Homer’s “Odyssey” as his guide to unearth lost civilizations, divers acted on Ethier’s hunch and found the flare at 5:23AM Thursday morning in the Biscayne Bay.

“We had our suspicions,” said sports historian Connor Seagrave-Daley. “This team (Dodgers) has been struggling lately. So when Andre hit the game-winning homer, then accurately came to the conclusion the actual flare was in the general vicinity, that was good enough for us.”

“Flare for the dramatic” is a term that has long been used by sports writers to describe electrifying and sudden endings to sporting events. Very few people believed the flare was indeed real.

But Seagrave-Daley felt differently. Read the rest of this entry »

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Crusty, Old Bastard Hates College Football “Cuz of Dem College Boys”

July 10th, 2014

 

PIss Off! This old coot hasn’t got the time for college anything.

CHELSEA, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Norbert McGillicuddy, a 60 year fixture among Boston area sea goers, hates this time of year. That’s when some of his younger, co-workers start talking about the upcoming college football season.

“I hate this crap,” seethed the peg-legged, 77 year old lobster fisherman. “Every year it’s the same thing – ‘Boston College this and Boston College that.’ Nothin’ but a bunch of entitled, rich college boys playin’ a kid’s game. Why don’t they go out an do some real man’s work, like battling a giant octopus or dippin’ yer mitts in a cauldron of boiling water yankin’ out freshly killed lobsters? Huh? Pansies, all of ‘em! What do I give a crap about two a days for? How about gettin’ up at 4AM in 20 degree weather and swabbin’ the deck knee deep in fish guts? I hope these young buttercups I work with understand the meaning of an honest days work.” Read the rest of this entry »

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