BREAKING SPORTS

Phillies Sign Fans to Three Year Deal; Proposed Swap for Reds Faithful Nixed

March 4th, 2015

 

I Ain’t Movin’. Philly resident Tony Zapski, an on-again, off-again Phillies fan, is relieved to be staying put.

PHILADELPHIA – (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ending weeks of speculation to the contrary, the Philadelphia Phillies today announced that they would keep their fans despite pressure from certain players to trade them to another city because they boo too much. Struck on the fourth day of negotiations, the deal will keep the Phillies fans in Philadelphia for three years guaranteed with a one year option.  GM Ruben Amaro Jr. said there were very serious talks with the city of Cincinnati and the Reds organization to switch fans, but in the end the logistics of the planned swap proved insurmountable. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Huge Turd in Knicks’ Locker Room Toilet Still There After One Week

March 3rd, 2015

It’s In There. Huge clump of crap holding it’s own.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A massive turd, possibly deposited by a New York Knicks player, remains in the third stall from the left inside the team’s locker room.

“I’d like to get to the bottom of this — in a manner of speaking.” said assistant locker room attendant, Joey “The Mop” Ciavelli. “This puppy’s a real fuckin’ behemoth — intact since it was left — it climbs up the sides of the bowl, breaking the water line. My guess is it’s either the work of (6’7” forward) Quincy Acy or (7’0’ forward-center) Jason Smith. It’s been there so long, it’s beginning to lose it’s aroma. I’m Italian, so I know aromas.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Ghost of Ted Knight Won’t Stop Haunting South Florida Golf Courses

March 2nd, 2015

Caddyshack Star Terrorizes Golfers with Harrowing Cry of “Well…we’re waiting!”

 

Nice hat. Ted Knight died in 1986, but apparently no one’s had the heart to tell him.

DAVIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Grande Oaks Golf Club, formerly Rolling Hills Golf Club, where the motion picture Caddyshack was shot in the fall of 1979, is one of many South Florida golf courses where reports of disturbing encounters with the long dead character actor, Ted Knight continue to surface.

But lately the paranormal events have become more frequent and unsettling. Read the rest of this entry »

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Champion Sports Fisherman Finally Unearths Age Old Source of “Something Rotten in Denmark”

February 27th, 2015

What a Stinker! Anders Rasmussen, one of Denmark’s top professional fisherman stands with the fountainhead of the rotten smell that’s perplexed Danes for years. The fish was remarkably well preserved.

COPENHAGEN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) “There’s something rotten in Denmark.”  You’ve heard older people say that ever since you could remember.

But who among us has contemplated what it really means? Was it ever really explained to you? Conventional wisdom dictates it means “someone’s up to no good.” Read the rest of this entry »

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NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2016

February 26th, 2015

Deprived Fans of Both Schools Finally Getting Gridiron Programs

 

Gimme an H!! And whatever loose change you’ve got handy. Jimmy Casey attended the School of Hard Knocks in the early 70’s and is thrilled to see his alma mater finally field a football team.

 

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Thrilled” is how one Electoral College fan put it. “Finally” is what a School of Hard Knocks booster said while enjoying a steaming bowl of gruel. In a move that has been long overdue, two great American institutions have gotten the go ahead to field football teams for the 2016 season. They’ll play their first game on September 1st.

“What better way to debut both teams than oppose each other in their inaugural game?” said Carter Miller, an elector from the sprawling campus of the Electoral College. “I can hardly wait till kick off.” Read the rest of this entry »

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NBA’s Luc Mbah a Moute Finally Gets Candy Bar Named in His Honor

February 25th, 2015

 

Forward Thinking Chocolate. Luc Mbah a Moute’s candy bar in production.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With arguably the hardest name to pronounce in the NBA, Luc Mbah a Moute of the Philadelphia 76ers is excited to unveil his brand new candy bar, The Luc  Mbah a Moute, which will be manufactured and distributed by the Johns Candy Company in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.

“The Luc Mbah a Moute is a new caramel-marshmallow sensation packed with roasted pecans and topped with rich and creamy milk chocolate,” said legendary confectioner Harry Johns. “I’m particularly excited about our edgy, but accurate slogan ‘It’s a Fuckin’ Mouthful.’” Read the rest of this entry »

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Guy Who Had One Major League At-Bat in 1990 Still Calls Ex-Girlfriend to Gloat

February 24th, 2015

One Hit Blunder. Only known pic of Liddell.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On June 3, 1990 catcher Dave Liddell made his first and only appearance in the Major Leagues with the New York Mets. In his only at-bat, he singled then “retired” with a perfect 1.000 batting average.

There are others in baseball who’ve accomplished the same feat, but none have used the achievement to their advantage quite the way Liddell has. Read the rest of this entry »

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Four Out of Five NASCAR Drivers Depend on DEPEND®

February 23rd, 2015

 

Official NASCAR waste retardant/leak inhibitor eliminates unnecessary pit stops.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —  Auto racing is a classic nature vs. machine contest in more ways than one. Indeed, one of the central mysteries of auto racing — one of its most guarded secrets — is how drivers answer the call of nature. Specifically, as they remain strapped in for miles and miles with intermittent pit stops for tire and oil changes, how do they manage to relieve themselves, as even the shortest trips to the head can cost the driver and his team precious seconds — time that can prove decisive when microseconds separate first from second place.

It turns out that adult diapers – or “adult absorption products” — are a staple of NASCAR. According to Bobby Ray Ellison, a senior member of Jeff Gordon’s pit crew, “You’re driving for several hours, lap after lap after lap, in a hot car, keeping yourself hydrated. You can hold it in for only so long. And what are you gonna do, take 30 seconds to hit the head when races are decided by milliseconds? Hell no. You’re gonna pee in your pants, which are specially equipped to absorb up to two quarts of urine.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Red Sox Test Small Nuclear Device at Spring Training Site

February 20th, 2015

 

 

A Blast to Left Field! This small nuke escalates the war between the Sox and Yanks. Take note AL East!

 

FORT MYERS, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In their continual effort to keep up with their chief rival, New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox successfully detonated a small nuclear device yesterday at their spring training facility in Fort Myers.

“It seemed to go off without a hitch. We’re thrilled.” said Red Sox principal owner, John Henry. “However, I am concerned a bit about the three flying cigar-shaped discs that hovered around the facility for nearly twenty minutes after the explosion. They suddenly darted away at incomprehensible speeds. It was either a scouting mission from the NGC-4414 galaxy or the Steinbrenner brothers are up to something.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Middle Finger to be Seamlessly Integrated into Nationals’ Batting Signs for 2015

February 19th, 2015
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The Bird at Third. Nats Third Base Coach, Bob Henley, has added the middle digit to his routine under the direction of Matt Williams.

VIERA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A lot is expected of the Washington Nationals this season. They’re the odds on favorite to win the NL East and go deep into the post season.  So, the idea of mixing things up in what appears to be a template for winning, might seem ill advised. However, that’s exactly what they’re trying out in spring training.  Manager Matt Williams has asked third base coach, Bob Henley to add a pronounced middle finger to his series of batting signs this season, and the veteran baseball man has done so with surprising aplomb.

“Flipping someone off has long been my thing.” said the 42 year old coach. “So when Matt asked me to add it, I couldn’t wait.”

Some of the Nationals players initially took offense to the sign, but most have adjusted. Now, several opposing teams are taking the sign personally.   Read the rest of this entry »

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SPECIAL FEATURE: In Baseball Fashion Styles Always Follow Porn Trends

February 17th, 2015

The One. The Only. Harry Reems.

Why do we love the 70?s?  Was it the music? Was it the gas prices? Was it the movies? Well, it certainly wasn’t Nixon.

When the recently deceased Harry Reems starred opposite Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat, it started a trend. Yes, all of a sudden, porn became more sophisticated. But more importanlty, the male star’s mustache was now a bonafide fashion statement. Everyone from Burt Reynolds to Ken Norton had one.

But no one wore them better than baseball players. Read the rest of this entry »

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Yet to Be Determined Chicago Cubs Player to Host Alien Parasite for 2015 Season

February 16th, 2015

Out of This World Series? Perhaps, if the alien has his way. Testing proposed hosting on Cubs Exec, Horace Tildon.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the hopes that a talented you nucleus and an extraterrestrial life force may turn their fortunes around, the Chicago Cubs have announced one member of their 25 man roster will play host to an alien parasite for the 2015 season.

“To be honest, we’re not leaning towards anyone right now. It’s still too early.” said Cubs General manager, Theo Epstein. “First we need to determine whether this would violate any banned substance mandates.”

The alien, which arrived on February 13th from Rigel Frushon-X37 can shape shift and enter the human body through the mouth, nasal passages or ear canal.  Read the rest of this entry »

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