BREAKING SPORTS

As Trade Deadline Looms, “Player to Be Named Later” Has Trouble Sleeping

July 28th, 2015

“Auto” matic Out? Most probably. But James Czyzmenick still says he’s ready to leave his day job.

PRINGLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happens every year. Baseball teams evaluate their seasons and have to decide whether they’re going to be buyers or sellers before the July 31st trade deadline.

The usual suspects, the Yankees, Dodgers, and Angels are all prepared to buy again in 2015. The Marlins, Phillies, and A’s seem to be more than willing to cough up their blue chippers for the right price.

Still, there are no guarantees that certain coveted missing pieces are going to change addresses – except for one.

James Czyzmenick. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

A TSD Classique: Bill James in Love: Recently Discovered Spreadsheets Reveal Writer’s Unrequited Feelings for Craig Biggio

July 23rd, 2015

 

Craig Biggio: Bill James’ decade-long unfulfilled obsession.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)Buried deep beneath mountains of baseball stats and regression analysis beats the heart of an incurable romantic. Based on data and an assortment of pie charts and bar graphs embedded in a series of spreadsheets that were sent to TSD’s Stats and Analysis Desk, for over a decade (1989-1999), Bill James, the father of sabremetrics, was madly in love with Craig Biggio, catcher, second baseman, and briefly centerfielder before retuning to second base for the Houston Astros.

Yesterday, amateur baseball statistician and longtime Bill James correspondent Richard Hastings sent TSD an email attachment containing 23 Excel spreadsheets, spanning the years 1989-1999. According to Dr. Felix Lopez, TSD’s resident statistician, the spreadsheets reveal James’ abiding obsession with the Astros’ star. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Researchers from University of Chicago Announce New Formula for Re-evaluating Pre-Steroids Era Baseball Stats

July 22nd, 2015

 

Sammy Sosa celebrates home run number 600. A soon-to-be published paper advances a new statistical model that adjusts baseball statistics for steroids. Based on the author’s findings, a roided-up Babe jacks 1030 career four baggers, though chances are it would lower his “Ruthian” prostitute tally by a factor of five.

CHICAGO  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Next Monday, two professors from the University of Chicago will hold a press conference to announce an explosive new paper that argues for a new way of assessing and providing historical context to baseball statistics in light of those many believe were dramatically inflated by the widespread use of banned performance-enhancing substances. Professors Walt Ossenheimer, a renowned bio-engineer (Jockstraps is in the process of investigating whether that’s an actual academic discipline), and Arnold Pinkerton, a statistician known for his trailblazing work on latent space approaches to dynamic embedding of co-occurrence data, purport to have established a new mathematical model for aligning historical baseball statistics with those compiled during the so-called “steroids” era, seasons roughly spanning 1995-2004.

 

“There are some things we will never know, i.e., did Oswald act alone, did we actually land men on the moon, did OJ really do it, did Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, et al actually use performance enhancers in producing circus-freak numbers that defy biology and historical trends?” rhetorically asked Professor Ossenheimer. ” There’s no way of getting around it, just as there’s no real way of ignoring the numbers they recorded without rewriting history. So the question becomes: since you can’t just dismiss these numbers, how do you honor the actual achievements that have come before, milestones that define the sport of baseball?” Read the rest of this entry »

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Popular Deity Christ Still Hoping to Attend Live Game Featuring Tim Tebow

July 21st, 2015

 

Hail Mary? Not exactly. But Jesus Christ apparently has a long time love for the game of football.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) According to Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow, his landing in the City of Brotherly Love has been commandeered by Christian deity Jesus Christ.

“It’s really Jesus at the wheel, or in the case, under center.” a smiling Tebow said. “He’s kind of doing things remotely. Fortunately, we’re both signed up with Verizon®.”

Christ hopes to attend a Eagles game this year. Read the rest of this entry »

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Crusty, Old Bastard Hates College Football “Cuz of Dem College Boys”

July 20th, 2015

Piss Off! This old coot hasn’t got the time for college anything.

CHELSEA, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Norbert McGillicuddy, a 60 year fixture among Boston area sea goers, hates this time of year. That’s when some of his younger, co-workers start talking about the upcoming college football season.

“I hate this crap,” seethed the peg-legged, 77 year old lobster fisherman. “Every year it’s the same thing – ‘Boston College this and Boston College that.’ Nothin’ but a bunch of entitled, rich college boys playin’ a kid’s game. Why don’t they go out an do some real man’s work, like battling a giant octopus or dippin’ yer mitts in a cauldron of boiling water yankin’ out freshly killed lobsters? Huh? Pansies, all of ‘em! What do I give a crap about two a days for? How about gettin’ up at 4AM in 20 degree weather and swabbin’ the deck knee deep in fish guts? I hope these young buttercups I work with understand the meaning of an honest days work.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Mike Schmidt Speaks to School Kids Who Never Heard of Mike Schmidt

July 17th, 2015

 

 

 

There’s a Schmidt Storm Coming. Mike Schmidt moments before lecturing grade schoolers.

 

 

JUPITER, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame third baseman Mike Schmidt, spent yesterday morning chatting with a group of third graders at Turtle River Montessori School in Jupiter, where Schmidt makes his home.

“The school’s just a couple miles from my house.” said Schmidt. “I’ll talk baseball to whoever wants to listen.”

The elementary students grew restless as the former Phillies slugger waxed nostalgic about his match ups with the likes of Jerry Reuss and Rick Reuschul. Read the rest of this entry »

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Mario Mendoza’s Property “Line” Relentlessly Ridiculed by Local Youth

July 16th, 2015

 

Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Roger Bernadina.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215. Read the rest of this entry »

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Dr. J Forced to Perform Emergency Appendectomy

July 15th, 2015

Operate on this Biotch! Hall of Famer basketball legend Julius Dr. J Erving had to take a break from this autograph signing session to save Horace Finster by removing his appendix.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: More Legal Troubles: O.J. Simpson Charged with Selling Uranium to Iran

July 14th, 2015

 

I-ran Through Airports for This! O.J. Simpson shown here with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, honestly feels he’s done something good.

TEHRAN, IRAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson continues to serve a lengthy prison sentence at Lovelock Correction Center in Nevada. But that sentence could become even longer.  Simpson allegedly met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of 2008 and promised him 20,000 cubic tons of enriched uranium to help aid Iran’s nuclear program.

“I’m pretty connected,” a boastful Simpson said from his isolated prison cell. “Ahmadinejad had been looking for someone inside the United States to essentially ‘hook him up.’ I was pleased to oblige. He kind of gets a bad rap as being a madman. If anyone knows how the press can play with the truth, it’s me.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

July 13th, 2015

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  66 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Seattle Pilots Fan Still Waiting for Autograph Promised Him in 1969

July 10th, 2015
Where's there's a Gil, There's a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil's autograph.

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

 

 

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Alex Rodriguez Installs Applause Sign in Bedroom; Adds Studio Audience

July 9th, 2015

Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. Read the rest of this entry »

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