Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The fifty-three year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.”

When told most NASCAR fans detest being thought of as racist, backwoods, trailer trash and are in fact affluent, educated and multi-cultural, Tompkins said he prefers to cling to tradition.

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Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

The Problem: Sports Humor Lost in Translation

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the cost of satire on the rise, The Sportsman’s Daily made a bold move last December by outsourcing a bulk of its satirical writing overseas.  The sense of excitement in the company’s main office soon turned to one of profound frustration.   Read the rest of this entry »

Solo can you go? Kobe Bryant announces his decision to start a solo career next season. .

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kobe Bryant, the enigmatic star of the Los Angeles Lakers announced he was leaving the team to embark on a solo basketball career. Bryant claims creative differences as the reason for his decision.

“It’s been nice touring around with the guys and hearing all the cheers from fans across the country,” said Bryant. “But there are just certain things only a solo career can give me – a more intimate level of communication, a truer expression of my inner voice. It’s really nothing against the guys. I just need the ultimate freedom to create the way I know how to create.” Read the rest of this entry »

A meal fit for a Prince. Tigers’ slugger Prince Fielder has some serious eating to do. And he’ll get first crack at this bad boy.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Detroit Tigers rotund slugger Prince Fielder has asked Director of Clubhouse Operations Larry Corsica to have his locker moved along side of the team’s buffet table. “I had to walk past Alex Avila, Justin Verlander and a slew of reporters just to get to the pizza, pasta and pierogies,” Fielder bemoaned. “By the time I got there it was picked over and breathed on – drops of spittle from Lord knows who. That’s bullshit. But no more.”

“Prince is one of the leaders of this ball club,” said manager Jim Leyland. “He’s a star in this town – a very large star. And with a professional eater of Prince’s stature…well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get in his way when he’s fixin’ to get his chops around a plate of Veal Scaloppini.” Read the rest of this entry »

Who? What? Where? The Phillie Phanatic down but not out as his freaky but admittedly hot assailants ran rampant.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The Phillie Phanatic, one of the most popular and lovable mascots in sports was beaten mercilessly last night shortly after the Phillies 2-1 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Phanatic was at home in South Philadelphia watching the game on TV. Just after the loss,  there was a knock at the door. That’s when he was confronted by three assailants believed to be females from a rogue offshoot of an apocalyptic mascot group associated with video games promotions.

“This happens sometimes.” said Conrad Bitner, Marketing Director for Sludge LLC, a game making company. “We hire professional actors to appear as mascots at store openings and promotional events. Sadly, on occasion, a group will splinter off into a roving band of heartless thugs and wreck havoc on unsuspecting citizens. We apologize to the Phillies, their fans, and especially Mr. Phanatic for the unrelenting beating he endured. We hope he bounces back more effectively than the team would down by three runs with runners in scoring position and less that two outs.”   Read the rest of this entry »

Operate on this Biotch! Hall of Famer basketball legend Julius Dr. J Erving had to take a break from this autograph signing session to save Horace Finster by removing his appendix.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. Read the rest of this entry »

He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” Read the rest of this entry »

Oh Nuts! Looks like these puppies will get clipped next week.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a procedure Hendrick Racing pit crew member Kyle Jenkins claims is “tricky,” NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson will have the truck nuts removed from his Dodge Ram.

The nuts underwent some minor repair in August, but unfortunately the condition deteriorated and service technicians have no choice now but to remove them. The racing team often assists Johnson with his personal truck, saying the nuts are a prized possession, but continuous hard driving and occasional rough terrain in the North Carolina mountains has taken it’s toll. Read the rest of this entry »

Kung “Food” Panda. Pablo Sandovol unloads on baseball, then on leftovers.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The defending World Champion San Francisco Giants are looking to repeat as champs in 2013. Winners of their last six in a row, the Giants appear they’ll be in the thick of things all season. However, Bay Area reporters focused on a different story yesterday.  Pablo “King Fu Panda” Sandoval asked ace hurler Tim Lincecum for the discarded mountain of fat on his plate from the pork chops served during the team dinner.

“That’s Panda,” said Lincecum. “He’s already thinking about hibernating in the winter, so he’s loading up. Naturally, I obliged.” Read the rest of this entry »

2020 Visions. Scranton has it’s eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s eight years down the road, but it’s not too early for the International Olympic Committee to entertain serious considerations as to which city will host the 2020 Summer Games.

Among the more well known cities to throw their hats into the ring are Rome, Istanbul, Boston, Prague, Cape Town and Toronto.

Perhaps the most unlikely potential host city bidding for the games is Scranton, Pennsylvania.  When officials from Scranton attended a recent IOC event, members from Madrid, Tokyo, and Istanbul could be heard chuckling every time the Northeastern Pennsylvania city was mentioned.

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Stock in Hock. This kid’s hocker is still soaring.

SILVER SPRING, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On Tuesday and in the company of best friends, Mike Hebda and Steve Kern, thirteen year old Jerry Shimmelbush unleashed a loogie 13.2 feet, from the middle of Highland Drive, over a picket fence and onto the hood of Mrs. Lester’s Ford Focus.

“I really pulled that one up from my toes.” beamed Shemmelbush, the middle child of Carl and Anna Shimmelbush. “There was a significant amount of mucus in it to give it some body. I’d say 60% mucus and 40% saliva, with a few strands of blood for aesthetics.” Read the rest of this entry »