BREAKING SPORTS

A TSD Classique: Researchers Announce New Formula for Re-evaluating Pre-Steroids Era Baseball Stats

December 5th, 2016

 

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A-Rod clubs home run number 630. New statistical model that adjusts baseball statistics for steroids projects a roided-up Babe jacks 1030 career four baggers…while lowering his “Ruthian” prostitute tally by a factor of five.

CHICAGO (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Next Monday, two professors from the University of Chicago will hold a press conference to announce an explosive new paper that argues for a new way of assessing and providing historical context to baseball statistics in light of those many believe were dramatically inflated by the widespread use of banned performance-enhancing substances. Professors Walt Ossenheimer, a renowned bio-engineer (Jockstraps is in the process of investigating whether that’s an actual academic discipline), and Arnold Pinkerton, a statistician known for his trailblazing work on latent space approaches to dynamic embedding of co-occurrence data, purport to have established a new mathematical model for aligning historical baseball statistics with those compiled during the so-called “steroids” era, seasons roughly spanning 1995-2004.

“There are some things we will never know, i.e., did Oswald act alone, did we actually land men on the moon, did OJ really do it, did Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, et al actually use performance enhancers in producing circus-freak numbers that defy biology and historical trends?” rhetorically asked Professor Ossenheimer. ” There’s no way of getting around it, just as there’s no real way of ignoring the numbers they recorded without rewriting history. So the question becomes: since you can’t just dismiss these numbers, how do you honor the actual achievements that have come before, milestones that define the sport of baseball?” Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Jaguars Summon Spirit of Strother Martin to Help Team Get Their Minds Right

December 2nd, 2016
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Brother Strother Has Spoken. Martin lays down the law.

JACKSONVILLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars are struggling with another long season after after their sixth consecutive loss and ninth overall. However, if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after their 28-21 loss to Buffalo, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was known for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in 1967’s Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.

“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Statue of Virgin Mary Won’t Stop Crying, Then Laughing Over Minnesota Twins

November 29th, 2016

Hail Mary! Twins fans flock to St. Anthony’s Church to see the emotionally conflicted statue.

ST. PAUL, MN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Most fans of the Minnesota Twins went into the season with what they thought were realistic expectations about their ball club’s chances in 2012. What they didn’t foresee was the worst record in the American League.

“Things have sort of flip flopped,” said Father Leo Forlano of St. Anthony’s Roman Catholic Church in St. Paul. “It’s the Cleveland Indians that should be at the bottom, not us.”

The season as a whole is what has many Twin Cities parishioners and curiosity seekers flocking to the front of the church to see the statue of the Virgin Mary, which hasn’t stopped it’s seemingly uncontrollable bouts of crying and laughter. Read the rest of this entry »

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An Instant Classique: Evil Clown Can’t Understand Why He Got Passed Over as Reds New Mascot

November 28th, 2016

Former Circus Standout Inflicted Psychological Scars on Thousands

 

 

 

Here’s Zippers! The mascot hopeful appears ready to devour a set of twins – a practice he calls the perfect in-game entertainment.

 

 

CINCINNATI  (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He’s terrorized and psychologically scared countless children and adults alike over a storied twenty year career, but Cletus Haskins also known as Zippers the Evil Clown is mystified as to why he wasn’t selected as the Cincinnati Reds new mascot for the upcoming 2017 season.

“Ken Griffey Jr. was injured all the fucking time and got millions from this ball club,” Zippers said. “But I on the other hand have been working the streets near this park and before it Riverfront for every home game since 1987, and they don’t give me as much as a fucking courtesy call for a measly $42,000 gig?!! They’ll rue the day they made this decision. They’ll rue the day!” Read the rest of this entry »

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Happy Thanksgiving! TSD Back on Monday, November 28

November 25th, 2016

We sincerely hope you have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday. Remember the Four F’s…Family, Friends, Food, and Football.

Happy Thanksgiving from your friends at The Sportsman’s Daily!

 

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A TSD Classique: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

November 21st, 2016

 

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Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the  Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

November 18th, 2016

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

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Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all. Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: LeBron James Admits He Enjoys Speeding Through School Zones Just Because He’s LeBron James

November 17th, 2016
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School Daze. LBJ just havin’ fun.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before traveling westward for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James got in a little “me” time.  He enjoyed a thrilled-packed afternoon of illegal fireworks displays near a nursing home, and driving recklessly at high rates of speed through school zones.

“Just blowin’ off a little steam,” the All-Star forward chimed. “Some people like to listen to some jams, others toss back a cold one, or spark up a big ass fatty. LBJ likes to endanger the innocent with indiscriminant hi jinx just because I’m LBJ, dig?” Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Jerry Sandusky’s Private Paterno Eulogy Impresses Roman Polanski

November 15th, 2016

 

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The Sandy Man Can. Jerry Sandusky eulogizes JoePa in his own special way.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled former Penn State assistant coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky eulogized legendary head coach Joe Paterno yesterday in a private ceremony from his backyard seen on closed circuit television by a selected group of relatives and friends, including iconic film director, Roman Polanski. Read the rest of this entry »

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Ghost of Ted Knight Won’t Stop Haunting South Florida Golf Courses

November 14th, 2016

Caddyshack Star Terrorizes Golfers with Harrowing Cry of “Well…we’re waiting!”

 

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Nice hat. Ted Knight died in 1986, but apparently no one’s had the heart to tell him.

DAVIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Grande Oaks Golf Club, formerly Rolling Hills Golf Club, where the motion picture Caddyshack was shot in the fall of 1979, is one of many South Florida golf courses where reports of disturbing encounters with the long dead character actor, Ted Knight continue to surface.

But lately the paranormal events have become more frequent and unsettling. Read the rest of this entry »

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Progressives Everywhere Rush to Stockpile Adjectives Before It’s Too Late

November 9th, 2016
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Chomsky at the Bit. Noam Chomsky has his concerns.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the wake of a stunning 2016 race to the White House that elected Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States, Progressives everywhere have gathered together stockpiling adjectives by the truckload.  Active verbs and the occasional gerund to hurl are also being culled en masse from undisclosed locations.  Read the rest of this entry »

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From Litly to Bigly: The Day President Elect Trump Managed Son’s Little League Team

November 9th, 2016
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Trump on the Bump. Barron to show his stuff.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As much of a hands-on mom Melania is, her husband likes to get in plenty of quality time with their son Barron, too. Barron totally looks up to his father — so much so that Melania’s nickname for Barron is “Little Donald.” In that same interview, she went on to say that when Barron was 5 years old, “he wanted to be like daddy: a businessman and golfer.” But it seems as though Donald’s influence on Barron started even younger, as a former Trump butler Tony Senecal told Inside Edition, “When Barron was two-and-a-half years old I took his breakfast into him. He was sitting in his highchair and he looks at me and he said: ‘Tony! Sit down! We need to talk!'” Donald is equally as fond of his son, calling Barron a “fantastic young boy” in an interview with E! News last year. Read the rest of this entry »

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