BREAKING SPORTS

Cole Hamels Early Favorite for Biped of the Year; Kangaroo, Ostrich Also in Running

September 18th, 2014

 

Roos or Ruse? Cole Hamels isn’t quite sure.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the top left handers in the game, pitcher Cole Hamels is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise forgettable 2014 Philadelphia Phillies season. With a solid statistical season nearly behind him, Hamels is the odds on favorite to win Biped of the Year. The award has been handed out each year by the Bipedalism Enthusiasts of North America (BENA) since 2003. Past winners include Dirk Nowitzki, Phil Mickelson, and a chicken. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

A TSD Classique: Mario Mendoza’s Property “Line” Relentlessly Ridiculed by Local Youth

September 17th, 2014

 

Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aide League’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-threatening Choking Fit

September 16th, 2014

 

 

 

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After Monday’s shoot around prior to their game later that night against the Heat, the San Antonio Spurs’ Manu Ginobli came perilously close to losing his life as a result of his reputation as the league’s most frequent — and arguably most accomplished – flopper.

Ginobli was lunching at a popular bistro in South Beach when a piece of his tuna melt lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit.  According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing  to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, a model who was grabbing take-out between before resuming his fashion shoot. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, a flop here in Miami is a fashion show that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Jaguars Summon Spirit of Strother Martin to Help Team Get Their Minds Right

September 15th, 2014
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Brother Strother Has Spoken. Martin lays down the law.

WASHINGTON D.C. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars might be in for a long season after two losses to begin the 2014 season, but if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after the 41-10 thumping at the hands of the Washington Redskins, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was know for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.

“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

September 12th, 2014

 

Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests.

“Boy, back in the day seeing Davis chuckle in your direction when one of his goons knocked your books to the floor was a life-altering experience, you’d go over in your head for days on end whether it was a chuckle, a sneer or a sadistic grin — all the while just thrilled that he noticed you,” said Sam Edelman, who was in Davis’s homeroom from the 6th through the 11th grade. “When I saw him on Facebook it took me four weeks to screw up the courage and send a friend request. I never in a million years expected him to respond. I mean, it’s been over 35 years!” Read the rest of this entry »

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NFL Prayer Circle Goes Silent as Players Swear they See Image of Jesus on Teammate’s Crucifix

September 10th, 2014

All crossed up! Sal Rondazzo, locker room attendant for the Jags, claims he saw the image of Jesus as well.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — As the NFL regular season is now officially underway, players are beginning to exhibit strange behavior. Jacksonville Jaguars players are still buzzing about something they couldn’t explain moments after their 34-17 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday. Several players, while worshipping in a prayer circle claim they saw the image of Jesus appear to them.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes,” said running back Storm Johnson. “Actually one eye, as I was wearing a patch on the other one after being poked – but still, it was Jesus baby. It was Jesus!”

Jags Head Coach Gus Bradley informed his players that they did indeed see the image, but it was actually on a small crucifix worn by tight end Clay Harbor which Bradley feels may have always been there. Read the rest of this entry »

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‘Roids Ravage the Runway: A Special Report from TSD Fashion Writer Lloyd Featherstone

September 9th, 2014

 

Slovenian model of indetermindate gender (and Jessica Parker look-alike) strikes pose before gathering a makeup artist, two publicists and Donatella Versace’s assistant in a vice-like headlock. All four passed out and were revived by a contingent of male models who happed upon the scene.

 

6’-7” Amazonian supermodels from Latvia…models with superhuman stamina, capable of withstanding 72 hour non-stop photo shoots…hair stylists and personal assistants pummeled in fits of rage…TSD’s investigative fashion writer, Lloyd Featherstone, files this head-turning account.


(Special to Sportsman’s Daily)

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)-  Persistent rumors of widespread HGH use among top super models have all but overshadowing recent shows unveiling the Fall collections from the likes of Michael Cors, Anna Sui and Vera Wang.

It seemed just yesterday when the “waif” look ruled the runway and anorexic models wafted weightlessly across the pages of top fashion magazines. Then, beginning around 2003-2004, we noticed changes, starting with the Marc Jacobs show in Milan, where his homage to 70’s teen fashion (with hints of playful pederasty) was in sharp contrast to the freakishly large, angry models that stalked the runway – at least a third were over 6’-4”, with comically oversized heads and shockingly large, mannish hands — all exuding a barely suppressed rage that seemed completely at odds with the theme of the collection.

Flash forward seven years, as we caught up with several prominent “fashionistas” who shared their thoughts and observations about the rumors convulsing the fashion world. Read the rest of this entry »

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NFL Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured

September 8th, 2014
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For Whom the Bell Foles. Philly QB Nick Foles took his share of hits on Sunday.

 

 

PHILADELPHIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties — most notably the concussion suffered by the entire front line of the Dallas Cowboys — viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains.  

 

“For the passionate football fan, who is typically overweight and grossly out-of-shape, week one is a serious injury waiting to happen,” said Dr. Stuart Rothenberg, head cardiologist at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Minneapolis. “The build-up and anticipation, combined with the consumption of alcohol and junk food, on top of which you have the ever-present threat of domestic violence as wives and girlfriends are pushed to the side, intermittently dropping passive aggressive asides at the worst possible moments…well, it’s just a toxic, at times lethal, cocktail. Statistically, you have a better chance of avoiding injury — even death — on the football field.”
The NFL hopes to see a decline in the rise in brain concussions, which has already claimed several fans watching at home.

“Sandy was watching the Eagles game in the family room, he had a bunch of friends over to watch it in high def on our new 62 inch TV,” said Sandy Rose’s wife, 52-year old Cherry Hill, NJ resident, Miriam Rose. “The Jaguars were chasing Nick (Foles) out of the pocket when suddenly one of them lunged — it looked like he was going to crash right into our living room! What a picture! So crisp and lifelike!! We all kind of jumped; Sandy did too, but he fell backwards over the couch and hit his head on the tile floor. When he came to — he was out for ten minutes — we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell him that Nick tweaked his shoulder. Poor kid.” Miriam paused. “Sandy’s listed as day-t0-day, but we’re confident he’ll be ready for the the Colts next week.”

 

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From the Archives: T&A on Ice: NHL to Bring Cheerleading on Par with NFL and NBA

September 5th, 2014

 

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league.

“For years we tried increasing the level of graphic violence, from having goalies go without masks long after the technology was available to making sure every team had at least one thug capable of turning a ten foot radius of ice into a patch of freshly chilled blood,” said Bettman during a news conference where he made the announcement. “Fans across North America couldn’t get enough of it, but today we’re competing with the NBA and NFL for a share of the global entertainment dollar. While some NHL teams have put some quality T&A on ice, it’s clear we need to upgrade the product league-wide to compete with the more established NBA and NFL cheerleading squads.” Read the rest of this entry »

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S&P Downgrades New York Mets to “Really Shitty”

September 4th, 2014

 

 

 

Mr. Fret. The iconic mascot lets it all out.

 

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Standard and Poor’s (S&P), the US based financial service company and one of the big three credit rating agencies worldwide, has downgraded the New York Metropolitans National League Baseball Club (Mets) to the unprecedented status of “really shitty.”

A combination of the Wilpon family being victimized by the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme scandal, poor management, over-valued contracts, and a variety of other confounding team operation decisions have all played a part in reducing the Mets to the “really shitty” status. This came after first being classified as “plain shitty” just five months ago. Only two teams have seen their ratings plummet to the “plain shitty” status; the 1977 Oakland A’s and 1998 Florida Marlins, one year after both teams’ ownerships held a fire sale, dumping their most expensive contracts. Read the rest of this entry »

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Marlins Hold Throwback Food Night Using Vintage Food

September 3rd, 2014
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To Have and Have Rot. Marlins food promotion goes sour.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a promotion intended simply as a nostalgic tip of the cap to classic ballpark food, the Miami Marlins made the gross error of selling leftover, vintage food from the 1960s.

“We contacted Papadakis Food Service and they apparently had some comestibles from the late 60s,” said Assistant Promotions Director, Jerry Lassiter. “I thought they meant the recipes originated in the late 60s. Oops.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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12 Year Old Boy Purchases Contract of Matt Kemp With 800 Million Green Stamps

September 2nd, 2014

 

Greener Pastures? Not for Matt Kemp apparently as the Dodgers star is now part of Timmy Bradford’s neighborhood team.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Los Angeles Dodgers have sold the contract of star outfielder, Matt Kemp to twelve year old baseball fan, Timmy Bradford for the sum of eight hundred million Green Stamps.

“Yes, we still take S&H® Green Stamps.” said team Vice President and Assistant General Manager, Basil Slobodan. “Master Bradford apparently unearthed a cache of booklets containing millions of Green Stamps, saved by his grandmother Louise while shopping at the Safeway® on Olive Avenue in Burbank from 1965 until 1981. It was really cute when he walked in with them and wanted to buy out Matty’s contract. How do you say ‘no’ to something like that?” Read the rest of this entry »

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