December 17th, 2014
Ace-hole? Not exactly. It wasn’t gamesmanship -it was death.
LAS VEGAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jethro “Dead Eye” Salinger lived up to his nickname on Wednesday night when opponents couldn’t get him to ante up.
“He just sort of stayed there, staring straight ahead, motionless,” said Jimmy “The Lion” Nicosia. “We thought it was just another element of his world renowned gamesmanship, but it went on too long, even for him. That’s when we realized he was dead.”
The players at the Las Vegas Tournament of Poker Wizards 8 waited an unprecedented seven hours and twenty-three minutes before finally checking for a pulse. Read the rest of this entry »
December 15th, 2014
Third and Loooong. Ingmar Bergman regular, Max Von Sydow’s decent into hell is bested by Eagles fan Larry Miscavage’s agony.
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just two weeks after handily defeating the Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving Days, the Philadelphia Eagles have experienced a dark, gloomy reality in an angst-ridden season of profound pain and suffering after the Cowboys returned the favor Sunday evening. Fans throughout the Delaware Valley have sought solace in the one place that addresses and confronts their fears head on — the films of the late, legendary Swedish filmmaker, Ingmar Bergman. Read the rest of this entry »
December 15th, 2014
Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-five years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2014 next week and begin an NBA career this fall that’s been stalled for decades.
TRENTON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Corey Adams is 22 years old, and by his own admission hasn’t been able step out of the 1960’s. But he’s not speaking figuratively. Adams is not a 21st century kid living in the past by listening to his dad’s old Beatles 45’s or watching Get Smart on YouTube. He’s actually stuck in a time-space continuum and has lived the same day over and over, March 12, 1967, for the past forty-five years.
Adams has been able to communicate with those living in 2014 through a tiny spatial wormhole located just behind the tube of Brycreem on his dresser. Read the rest of this entry »
December 11th, 2014
Doggin’ It! Cardiac patients need to cross this little lovely off their list. But vendor Phil Ferraro says, “Relax. Take a bite.”
LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Dodger Dog – a simple frankfurter in a bun that is widely regarded as the very best in major league baseball, is as much a piece of Los Angeles Dodgers history as a Maury Wills stolen base or a Sandy Koufax strikeout. Hot dog vendor Phil Ferraro has been working the field box level at Dodger Stadium since the early seventies. He estimates he’s personally sold over nine-hundred thousand Dodger Dogs and is quickly approaching the one million mark. “That’s a helluva lotta cholesterol,” the fifty-nine year old wiener jockey said. “I look at these people on the aisle ordering three dogs for the fat guy in seat 12 and think to myself, ‘this poor bastard’s gonna be dead before the fifth inning.’ But as much as it pains me to contribute to their inevitable heart disease, I do derive a guilty pleasure from seeing their faces light up when they take that first bite – the mustard, relish and dog juice dripping down their double chins. ” Read the rest of this entry »
December 10th, 2014
Snot Kidding! Lupus is a Marlin.
MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Needing help in nearly every department, the Miami Marlins have traded for the Bad News Bears’ Timmy Lupus. The fictional, light-hitting, poor-fielding outfielder is expected to give the last place Marlins a boost in attendance, which is at the bottom of Major League Baseball.
“We’re fully aware of Timmy’s colossal limitations.” said team General Manager, Dan Jennings. “But we’re banking on his overall cuteness, and sweet yet pathetic underdog qualities to put fannies in the seats and motivate his teammates. Let’s not forget, Timmy’s been to the post-season, made an historic catch, and is brimming with mucus, should one of our pitchers want to put a little something extra on the baseball, if you catch my thinly-veiled drift.”
Marlins’ Single A affiliate, the Greensboro Grasshoppers, shipped 22 year old outfielder, Chaz Slavish to the Bears in exchange for Lupus and cash considerations. Read the rest of this entry »
December 9th, 2014
A-Rod clubs home run number 630. New statistical model that adjusts baseball statistics for steroids projects a roided-up Babe jacks 1030 career four baggers…while lowering his “Ruthian” prostitute tally by a factor of five.
CHICAGO (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Next Monday, two professors from the University of Chicago will hold a press conference to announce an explosive new paper that argues for a new way of assessing and providing historical context to baseball statistics in light of those many believe were dramatically inflated by the widespread use of banned performance-enhancing substances. Professors Walt Ossenheimer, a renowned bio-engineer (Jockstraps is in the process of investigating whether that’s an actual academic discipline), and Arnold Pinkerton, a statistician known for his trailblazing work on latent space approaches to dynamic embedding of co-occurrence data, purport to have established a new mathematical model for aligning historical baseball statistics with those compiled during the so-called “steroids” era, seasons roughly spanning 1995-2004.
“There are some things we will never know, i.e., did Oswald act alone, did we actually land men on the moon, did OJ really do it, did Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, et al actually use performance enhancers in producing circus-freak numbers that defy biology and historical trends?” rhetorically asked Professor Ossenheimer. ” There’s no way of getting around it, just as there’s no real way of ignoring the numbers they recorded without rewriting history. So the question becomes: since you can’t just dismiss these numbers, how do you honor the actual achievements that have come before, milestones that define the sport of baseball?” Read the rest of this entry »
December 8th, 2014
After downing 122 of these, 12 year old Jimmy Esposito gives his very own fireworks display.
BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) An hour before Joey Chestnut hoisted the Mustard Belt for the fifth straight time, Jimmy Esposito from Bedford, Massachusetts won the first annual Chucky Cheese Little Dog Eating Contest by inhaling 122 cocktail franks in ten minutes, as his beaming parents rooted him on.
Standing four feet eleven and weighing a robust 147 pounds, young Mr. Esposito consumed the miniature franks with what one onlooker described as “horrifying efficiency.”
When the buzzer sounded, Benjamin and Betty Esposito, his parents, rushed to the stage to embrace their champion eater. The event took a somewhat revolting turn when a red-faced, visibly distressed Jimmy took a step back and voluminously spewed in three mighty heaves, as contest officials and contestants ran for cover. Read the rest of this entry »
December 5th, 2014
Going Mad for Madden. Carl Oschal continues to aimlessly wander his apartment.
COURTDALE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carl Oschal, a 43 year old former music store manager is currently unemployed. Already angry and frustrated at the sorry state of the music business, Oschal poured his energies into following baseball and especially football.
Read the rest of this entry »
December 4th, 2014
Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.
GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.
Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.
“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” Read the rest of this entry »
December 3rd, 2014
FARMINGDALE, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Get the clubs the pros are using on us,” screams the ad from Taylor Made, a California-based manufacturer of golf clubs. Yesterday, the national promotional campaign took a horrible turn when its meaning was catastrophically misinterpreted by scores of literal-minded golfers eager to give the clubs a try. Brandishing an assortment of irons and fairway metals from Taylor Made’s new RocketBallz line, golfers proceeded to “use” them on unsuspecting Taylor Made sales reps staging demos at golf courses around the country. Beatings were reported at some of the nation’s best known courses, including Heron Bay in South Florida, Bethpage on Long Island, and the Wynn Golf Club in Las Vegas.
“Thanks to our patented SuperFast Technology, which reduces total club weight while promoting faster swing speed for added distance, none of the injuries were life-threatening, “said company spokesman Joshua Blank. “I shudder to think what would have happened if patrons opted for Callaway or Nike or Tommy Armour clubs – their added clubhead weight would have caused untold carnage.” Read the rest of this entry »
December 2nd, 2014
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Monday Night Football always has it’s share of crazy moments, and an interception with :39 seconds left to set up a game winning field goal in the Miami Dolphins 16-13 win over the New York Jets, certainly qualifies. But that wasn’t the big story. Prior to the game however, Delvin Force, First Drummer and Director of the Steele Drum and Bugle Corps, decided to take an excruciatingly long solo after the first stanza of the Star Spangled Banner. Force had written the arrangement of the National Anthem, so that a three bar drum solo (approximately eight seconds) would “wow” the crowd. However, he got carried away, and his almost four minute self indulgent polyrhythmic juggernaut nearly caused a riot. Read the rest of this entry »