October 17th, 2014
OIL CITY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oil City Senior High School’sLogan Van Horn, an all-star quarterback from last season, headed into his senior year with high expectations.
“The goal is to make the playoffs again.” said 5’9” pass thrower. “And for me to maintain a relationship with (head cheerleader) Colette Jansen. We’ve been going out since 9th grade.”
Van Horn, is generally regarded as an accurate passer with decent arm strength, but too small to play division one college football.
“What we’ve got here is the typical high school jock who’s enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame, local as it may be, and riding it for whatever it’s worth.” said Assistant Coach Glenn Connors. “You know how it goes. You peak early, then, not long after graduating, you’re stuck here driving a forklift down at the beer distributor after a failed attempt at a division three walk on. Then you marry Colleen or Corine or Colette, whatever the hell her name is, and rent an apartment on the north side of town and eat frozen dinners and watch reality TV all night. But until that day, I hope to see a lot of touchdowns from this kid.” Read the rest of this entry »
October 16th, 2014
Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way. A way for an obsessed sociopath to track his every move that is.
SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he hasn’t had a Major League at bat since 2000, one Will Clark fan apparently refuses to stop cheering. Milton Charles Block, 54, of Mill Valley, California has worshiped the former Giants slugger from afar for years. Now, Block often follows the man they called “The Thrill” to his current place of employment, Valley Nissan.
Clark is Vice President and part owner of the dealership and Block has been seen repeatedly cheering Clark for such acts as approving rebates, observing undercoat application, and “putting a family of four behind the wheel of something sensible today.” Read the rest of this entry »
October 15th, 2014
A Greek Shall Inherit the Earth; At least according to this guy.
ATHENS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s a clear case of ‘what have you done for me lately?’ And the Greeks are hearing about it. After creating the original Olympic Games in approximately 776 B.C., most Greeks admit they’ve rested on their laurels ever since; at least in terms of contributing to the sports world. But Spyros Papadimitriou insists his country has indeed made a contribution.
“I know we came up with something,” the 84 year old Papadimitriou said through an interpreter to a small contingent of mostly British reporters. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. But I suspect the game may involve a ball and possibly some sheep.” Read the rest of this entry »
October 14th, 2014
Missing From Man Cave. Jerry Larson no longer in basement frightens family.
ROCKVILLE, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jerry Larson, 49, is a respected man in his community. He owns a tool supply company, coaches Little League, plays drums in a wedding band, and worships the Washington Redskins. However, since early September when the season opened, Larson hasn’t been seen by anyone including his family.
Initially, his wife Martha, 46, wasn’t concerned. However, after repeated, unanswered calls for dinner, she became suspicious. Read the rest of this entry »
October 13th, 2014
Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.
SACRAMENTO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 12th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws. The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.
“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.” Read the rest of this entry »
October 10th, 2014
No Bowl of Cherries. Mildred and Stanley Slavish of Nanticoke, Pennsylvania say they will stop following pro bowlers around beginning next week, effectively ending the 52 year run of the PBA.
NANTICOKE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the 1960’s and 70’s, it was as much a Saturday afternoon institution as going to the kiddie matinee at the local movie theatre. Announcers Chris Schenkel along with Billy Welu, and later Nelson Burton Jr. brought bowling into the homes of millions of viewers across America every weekend on ABC television. The broadcast still had a sizable following in the 1980’s and even early 1990’s. But by 1997 coverage ended. Read the rest of this entry »
October 9th, 2014
Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.
NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary. Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.
The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. Read the rest of this entry »
October 7th, 2014
Offbeat Actor to Employ Disjointed Managerial Style in Attempt to Confuse Opponents
Walken to First. Chris Walken intends to get players who are issued a base on balls to saunter down the baseline with panache.
OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a stunning move announced yesterday, the Oakland Athletics say that immediately after this season, they will replace current manager, Bob Melvin, with the eccentric character actor Christopher Walken.
“This was simply a move we’ve wanted to make for a long time,” said A’s General Manager Billy Beane. “Bob is a terrific manager, but we have always done things here in an unorthodox way — so we want to experiment with Chris’ menacing style of motivation. We’re confident his horrific yet deadpan bravura will have the balance of the AL West scratching its collective head the entire season.” Read the rest of this entry »
October 6th, 2014
Console Peters used to peer into windows and down well-proportioned halter tops. “Oh the inhumanity,” mocked Peters’ attorney Brock Fredericks. “He took pictures of woman without their express written consent, big deal, happens every day. It’s not like he crashed the Hindenburg into the side of the stadium for goodness sake.”
MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Brick Peters, a veteran Goodyear blimp pilot who was to helm the Spirit of Innovation for Sunday’s Dolphins-Redskins game, was arrested and charged for using his airship to ogle naked women.
“I just got out of a bath and went into the living room to change a cd when I sensed someone was watching me,” said Sandra Miller of Miami Beach. “I looked out the window and I saw a blimp hovering in the distance, but I said, nah, can’t be. I’m just completely shocked.”
Two weeks ago federal authorities were tipped off to Peters’ regular use of his helium-borne dirigible for illicit spying on naked and/or semi-naked women. Agents with the FBI had been monitoring Peters as he began preparations leading up to Sunday’s game, which included a careful aerial mapping of female-rich locations covering a five mile radius of the stadium. Read the rest of this entry »
October 3rd, 2014
Alone Again, Unnaturally. Bobby Cofski won’t go home.
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Bobby Cofski, the overly enthusiastic and delusional Philadelphia Phillies fan of Vineland, New Jersey and Parkland, Florida strolls aimlessly but remains camped out in section 242, row 13, seat 6 at Citizen’s Bank Park in South Philadelphia awaiting the playoffs to begin.
“It starts tonight. I expect results.” the effervescent bank vice president screamed clutching his Phillies pennant, a bag of peanuts and a Diet Coke®. Read the rest of this entry »
October 1st, 2014
Showtime! The KC Royals previous post-season broadcast aired on something like this.
KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In nail biting extra inning action, the Kansas City Royals fought back to defeat the Oakland Athletics 9-8 in the AL Wild Card Game to move on to the Division Series. The game proved to be an introduction for the most of the country to a team that’s flown under the radar for decades. The Royals were introduced to something as well — a national audience watching in high definition.
“Yeah, there were cool cameras and stuff,” beamed Royals left fielder, Alex Gordon. “They took us in the broadcast truck, and gave us lollipops and ice cream, and then we got to meet Ernie Johnson. We got in trouble when (Royals third baseman) Mike Moustakas was putzing around with some of the buttons and broke something. Now he owes TBS 54 grand. What a dick!” Read the rest of this entry »