BREAKING SPORTS

Chimpanzee Completes First Article for Sportsman’s Daily

September 30th, 2014

Monkey Outfit. Mr. Biggles busts out his writing chops by utilizing such comedic staples as sarcasm, irony, and a good old-fashioned “shit” joke.

(Ed. Note:  The following article was submitted by Mr. Biggles, a three year old chimpanzee who really knows sports and has a winning sense of humor. We feel it far surpasses several of our recent stories by our human staff.  We hope you agree. By the way, he typed it himself.)

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Hrkwrgw49jh’hwrghwrwrfhwlrg Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

The Sportsman Goes Down in a Manner of Speaking (But We’re Back)

September 29th, 2014

Dear Readers,

Our apologies if you’ve been trying to access our website. It’s been down since Saturday afternoon. We’ve discovered the source of the problem, and have rectified the situation.

Apparently, a small mouse staked a claim in the server and refused to come out. We tried luring him out with a variety of cheeses including Gouda, Cheddar, and a lovely Fourme de Montibrison from the Auvergne region of France. No dice. Then we tried some peanut butter and a wrench.

It worked!

The crack writing staff has been called back into action after anlaughman unexpected long weekend (with pay) and the satirization will resume tomorrow.

Thanks,
The Management

 

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First Dozen Yankees Fans Receive a Chunk of Derek Jeter

September 26th, 2014
jeter

You Wanna Piece of Me? Well, some Yankees fans got just that.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The first twelve New York Yankees fans at Thursday night’s farewell to Derek Jeter at Yankee Stadium, received a chunk of All-Star shortstop and baseball deity, after the Bronx Bombers defeated the visiting Baltimore Orioles 6-5 on his walk-off hit.

“I got his right leg,” chimed 11 year old, Timmy Logan, of Wayne, New Jersey. “I’ll treasure it forever. I plan on sleeping with it under my pillow.”

Jeter, who has been lavished with gifts across baseball, decided to give back. He hired professional chainsaw artist, David Manson, to hack off select parts of his body for a lucky few adoring fans to have as keepsakes.

“What better memento for a fan, than giving of yourself, literally,” said baseball historian, Peter Gammons. “I wouldn’t mind hanging his shoulder in my study. With the proper lighting, it’d be quite the conversation piece.”

Jeter, the Yankee’s all-time hit leader, and sixth in the game’s history, is a first ballot Hall of Famer, but has recently come under scrutiny by some powerful media members for perceived grandstanding during his much ballyhooed swan song.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Boy Goes Swimming Five Minutes after Eating; Dozens of Parents Outraged

September 25th, 2014

Hate to eat and sun. But… little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixin’s.

FORT LAUDERDALE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time.  And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

September 24th, 2014

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi, pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd. Read the rest of this entry »

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Philadelphia Fans Infuriated by Eagles’ Third Straight “Wrong Kind of Win”

September 21st, 2014

Not Good Enough. This Birds fan is sick of winning ugly.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a weak NFC East, the Philadelphia Eagles are the odds on favorite to capture the division for a second year running. So far, the record holds up — 3-0. But how the Eagles have accomplished the unblemished mark is not sitting well with many fans.

“Way too much stress,” says Tony Brugolio, 44, of nearby Paoli, Pennsylvania. “Fuck these motherfuckin’ Eagles, and fuck that motherfuckin’ Chip Fuckin’ Kelly.. They’re killing my father. He’s got the congestive heart failure and such. Takin’ shit to the last minute, getting trounced on in the first half, injuries up the fuckin’ ass, you name it. I didn’t sign up for this shit, and neither did the old man.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Miami Dolphins Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately — “If Not Sooner”

September 19th, 2014

 

 

Miami Dolphins present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz (the very same model showcased by Martha Stewart). Organization makes it clear that Schultz’ retirement is binding and irreversible.

DELRAY BEACH, FL (JockStraps Wire Service) — Dan Schultz, a fifty-five year old engineer and fanatical Dolphin fan from Delray Beach, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 45 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

“I know everyone’s surprised, but I’ve been planning this for years. You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits. It’s time. You want to go out on your own terms, before the team starts to go bad and you still have your health.”

Word of Schultz’s retirement caught many by surprise.

“Frankly, I wasn’t even aware Dan followed the Dolphins,” said Burt Schottenheimer, a colleague. “Monday morning we’d be talking about the game and then Dan would suddenly appear just on the periphery. I don’t recall Dan ever saying boo, even after a particularly bad loss. We’d just notice him off to the side, pacing, silently fuming, with that far-away look in his eye. With Dan you knew just to smile and keep your movements to a minimum.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Cole Hamels Early Favorite for Biped of the Year; Kangaroo, Ostrich Also in Running

September 18th, 2014

 

Roos or Ruse? Cole Hamels isn’t quite sure.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the top left handers in the game, pitcher Cole Hamels is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise forgettable 2014 Philadelphia Phillies season. With a solid statistical season nearly behind him, Hamels is the odds on favorite to win Biped of the Year. The award has been handed out each year by the Bipedalism Enthusiasts of North America (BENA) since 2003. Past winners include Dirk Nowitzki, Phil Mickelson, and a chicken. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Mario Mendoza’s Property “Line” Relentlessly Ridiculed by Local Youth

September 17th, 2014

 

Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” Read the rest of this entry »

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From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aide League’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-threatening Choking Fit

September 16th, 2014

 

 

 

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After Monday’s shoot around prior to their game later that night against the Heat, the San Antonio Spurs’ Manu Ginobli came perilously close to losing his life as a result of his reputation as the league’s most frequent — and arguably most accomplished – flopper.

Ginobli was lunching at a popular bistro in South Beach when a piece of his tuna melt lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit.  According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing  to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, a model who was grabbing take-out between before resuming his fashion shoot. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, a flop here in Miami is a fashion show that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Jaguars Summon Spirit of Strother Martin to Help Team Get Their Minds Right

September 15th, 2014
Cool_Hand_Luke_Martin

Brother Strother Has Spoken. Martin lays down the law.

WASHINGTON D.C. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars might be in for a long season after two losses to begin the 2014 season, but if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after the 41-10 thumping at the hands of the Washington Redskins, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was know for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.

“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

September 12th, 2014

 

Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests.

“Boy, back in the day seeing Davis chuckle in your direction when one of his goons knocked your books to the floor was a life-altering experience, you’d go over in your head for days on end whether it was a chuckle, a sneer or a sadistic grin — all the while just thrilled that he noticed you,” said Sam Edelman, who was in Davis’s homeroom from the 6th through the 11th grade. “When I saw him on Facebook it took me four weeks to screw up the courage and send a friend request. I never in a million years expected him to respond. I mean, it’s been over 35 years!” Read the rest of this entry »

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