BREAKING SPORTS

Have a Nice Holiday!

September 1st, 2014

 

labor-day-2014-5Like you, we’re gearing up for football season. Dropped passes, concussions, and assholes painting themselves in team colors. That’s when the real comedy starts. Until then, enjoy this “unofficial” last weekend of Summer. 

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BELOW THE FOLD

Bud Selig Reverses Lifetime Ban on Shoeless Joe Jackson; Says He’s Welcome to Play Anytime

August 29th, 2014
Bad to the Bone? Selig says "no." Shoeless Joe's remains are welcome to play again.

Bad to the Bone? Selig says “no.” Shoeless Joe’s remains are welcome to play again.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Eight Men Out. Baseball fans know it as the name of the motion picture which chronicled the eight members of the 1919 Chicago White Sox who were banned permanently from baseball. The most famous among the group was undoubtedly Shoeless Joe Jackson, who wound up being the centerpiece of another great baseball film, Field of Dreams.

Now outgoing MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has reversed the lifetime ban on Jackson and said he’d welcome the hard hitting outfielder back with open arms. Read the rest of this entry »

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Chris Berman Named Most Annoying Sports Figure in His Own House

August 28th, 2014

The Bermanator. His nicknames have forced one unfortunate fan to taking meds.

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chris Berman, longtime ESPN TV personality, is widely regarded as a knowledgeable sports broadcaster, but perhaps one of the most grating with his calls of “it could go…all…the…way” and “back, back, back.”

Fans have often complained of Berman’s histrionics, but according to Berman family members, the fans are the lucky ones. Read the rest of this entry »

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Detonating Small Nuke Near Player to Show Displeasure, Considered Poor Form

August 27th, 2014
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Nuke the Fluke. Dom Brown caught some shrapnel from this crude explosive.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A former Phillies number one draft pick has proven to be one of the great busts in team history. Domonic Brown was selected based on his superior athletic skills, but the team failed to realize his baseball skills are pedestrian at best. Brown has drawn the ire of a majority of fans, including Bobby Cofski, who managed to seize enough plutonium on the black market to construct a crude nuclear device. He detonated it near Brown shortly after yesterday’s game.

Brown only received superficial abrasions and is expected to be available for tonight’s game.  Read the rest of this entry »

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NFL UPDATE: North Jersey Family Prepares Not to See Dad Till February

August 25th, 2014
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NF-Hell. Larry Tripp’s disappearing act, now through February.

NETCONG, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Maureen Tripp and her three children, Mark, 13, Leon, 11, and Audra, 8, are preparing not to see husband and father, Larry Tripp, 44, till after the Super Bowl in early February, 2015.

The foreman at Lombardi Manufacturing in nearby Budd Lake, is expected to disappear without a trace beginning in Week One of the NFL season. Tripp, a lifelong New York Jets fan, will shuttle between work, his Man Cave (off limits to his immediate family members), his friend Tony Sacco’s house, and three or four undisclosed bars in the North Jersey area.

“I expect to miss a significant portion of my children growing up,” said Tripp. “But I’ll be updated via texts of basic goings on from time to time. Football takes precedence over everything.” Read the rest of this entry »

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More Legal Troubles: O.J. Simpson Charged with Selling Uranium to Iran

August 22nd, 2014

 

 

I-ran Through Airports for This! O.J. Simpson shown here with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in undated photo, honestly feels he’s done something good.

 

TEHRAN, IRAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson continues to serve a lengthy prison sentence at Lovelock Correction Center in Nevada. But that sentence could become even longer.  Simpson allegedly met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of 2008 and promised him 20,000 cubic tons of enriched uranium to help aid Iran’s nuclear program.

“I’m pretty connected,” a boastful Simpson said from his isolated prison cell. “Ahmadinejad had been looking for someone inside the United States to essentially ‘hook him up.’ I was pleased to oblige. He kind of gets a bad rap as being a madman. If anyone knows how the press can play with the truth, it’s me.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Justin Bieber Inked to Play Ty-D-Bol Halftime Show

August 20th, 2014
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Boat Gig. Bieber hopes to work up to cruise ship.

GLENDALE, AZ. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With halftime entertainment arrangements still being planned for Super Bowl XLIX on February 1, 2015, plans are in place for the Ty-D-Bol halftime show. Teenage pop icon, Justin Bieber has signed on to play the low profile gig, in a yet to be determined alternate parking area around University of Phoenix Stadium. A toilet is yet to be secured, Eljer® and American Standard® are finalists in a heating bidding war.

The embattled singer is attempting a career comeback after several run ins with the law, as well as a decline in popularity.  Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: After Humiliating Loss, Quasimodo to Return to Notre Dame to Play Hunchback

August 18th, 2014

Hunch Break. Quasimodo mugs for camera as the Fightin’ Irish break during a recent summer practice.

SOUTH BEND, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Apparently even a 42-14 pounding in a title game isn’t enough to keep this team down.  First there was Rudy, the inspiring story of an against-all-odds player making the Fightin’ Irish football team; now this. Quasimodo, the famed bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame will return to the school from where he was banned 182 years ago in an attempt to make the football team in 2013.

A towering figure in Victor Hugo’s literary masterwork The Hunchback of Notre Dame, from 1831, Quasimodo, a hideous malformed hunchback, was mostly associated with Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris as the church‘s chief bell ringer. But, unbeknownst to most people, he did appear in two scrimmages for Notre Dame University during the late 1800’s when the team was then known as “The Catholics” instead of the Fightin’ Irish, which became the official team name in 1927. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Bill James in Love: Recently Discovered Spreadsheets Reveal Writer’s Unrequited Feelings for Craig Biggio

August 15th, 2014

 

Craig Biggio: Bill James’ decade-long unfulfilled obsession.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)Buried deep beneath mountains of baseball stats and regression analysis beats the heart of an incurable romantic. Based on data and an assortment of pie charts and bar graphs embedded in a series of spreadsheets that were sent to TSD’s Stats and Analysis Desk, for over a decade (1989-1999), Bill James, the father of sabremetrics, was madly in love with Craig Biggio, catcher, second baseman, and briefly centerfielder before retuning to second base for the Houston Astros.

Yesterday, amateur baseball statistician and longtime Bill James correspondent Richard Hastings sent TSD an email attachment containing 23 Excel spreadsheets, spanning the years 1989-1999. According to Dr. Felix Lopez, TSD’s resident statistician, the spreadsheets reveal James’ abiding obsession with the Astros’ star. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Prodigy with Perfect Pitch Mistakenly Signed by Pittsburgh Pirates

August 14th, 2014

Yu Cannot Be Serious! Marc Yu won’t be pitching for the Pirates – at least not till September.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Marc Yu, the twelve year old piano prodigy is not only known for his technical keyboard pyrotechnics, but for having perfect pitch. When Pittsburgh Pirates veteran scout Andy Washeski caught wind of this, he hopped into his 2003 Honda Civic, drove to Yu’s home, and begged the Pirates to sign the wunderkind to a deal. Yu’s parents were a bit perplexed, but allowed the youngster to sign.

Upon inking Yu, Washeski claimed the signing would define his career. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Chester McGlockton Mistakenly Willed Organs for Research to Alma Mater’s English Department

August 13th, 2014

 

 

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

 

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: James Harden Admits to Being Lost Smith Brother

August 12th, 2014

Ahem. A truly Hardened cough.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His unconventional facial hair often overshadows his play, which is why the announcement made late last night isn’t the stunner he thought it would be. Houston Rockets guard James Harden is indeed the long lost brother of William and Andrew Smith, purveyors of the celebrated cherry throat lozenge.

“Ahh…now it all makes sense.” said former Oklahoma Thunder teammate Kevin Durant. “I just couldn’t understand why all the references to ‘those fucking Ludens.’”  Read the rest of this entry »

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