BREAKING SPORTS

Researchers Harvest Athletes’ Brains for Ghoulish Concussion Study

October 24th, 2014

A serially concussed brain is a terrible thing to waste.

ST. JOHN’S, ANTIGUA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Since Boston University’s School of Medicine announced a special program devoted to studying the he long-term effects of concussions,  a number of retired NFL players have agreed to leave their brains to the center for study.  TSD has now learned that researchers from an unaccredited medical school located in Antigua have been harvesting brains from former athletes within hours of their death. The cadavers include both professional and amateur athletes, ranging from former NFL linemen to sixty-five year old Rick “Beanhead” Templeton, a softball legend who was known to crash head-first into a beer keg after clubbing a round tripper.

The jars containing the brains were found in an industrial refrigerator by a night watchmen employed by the Caribbean island’s medical center. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

LA Football Fans Abduct Jack Nicholson, Demand NFL Franchise Within Five Years

October 23rd, 2014

86% of LA Residents Unaware City Lacks Pro Football Team

 

Heeere's Jack! Though an LA-based NFL team is nowhere on the horizon. Captors release photo of Jack Nicholson re-enacting scene from "The Shining.

LOS ANGELES  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Los Angeles has been without an NFL franchise of its own since the Raiders moved back to Oakland and the Rams went to St. Louis in 1995. While the Rams played in (and around) LA for close to fifty years (they actually played in Anaheim from 1979-1994), their abrupt departure for St. Louis caused barely a ripple, underscoring what many have long believed: LA’s passive-aggressive culture (“thank you for your time, but we’re going to go ahead and take a pass”) does not lend itself to professional football. Yesterday’s abduction of actor and number one Lakers fan Jack Nicholson by a cadre of disenfranchised Rams fans, offered further proof of the city’s ambivalence, as the news prompted a reassessment not of LA football, but of Nicholson’s career, his recent acting choices, and widespread speculation on who will take his place at court side should negotiations between the LAPD, the NFL and his captors break down. Read the rest of this entry »

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Seattle Pilots Fan Still Waiting for Autograph Promised Him in 1969

October 22nd, 2014
Where's there's a Gil, There's a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil's autograph.

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

 

 

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sportsman’s Daily Still Hoping to One Day Write Article on North Dakota Sports

October 20th, 2014

 

 

 

So Fargo Away. Doesn’t anybody satire in this place anymore?

 

 

FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the long and storied existence of the Sportsman’s Daily, there has never been a time when the editorial staff has found the need to write a story centering on North Dakota sports. Some staffers hope that will change.

TSD’s Fargo office, a small shack near a railroad track with a lamp, a rotary phone, an Underwood® manual typewriter, and an AM radio, was closed in 1994 after the mysterious disappearance of correspondent Buford Wells. Wells had claimed he had unearthed a satirical story on a semi-pro baseball team in Fargo that could shake the then fledgling sports satire world to it’s core.

He was never heard from again. Read the rest of this entry »

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Class Jock Plans for Empty, Uneventful Life Six Years Down the Road

October 17th, 2014

OIL CITY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oil City Senior High School’sLogan Van Horn, an all-star quarterback from last season, headed into his senior year with high expectations.

“The goal is to make the playoffs again.” said 5’9” pass thrower. “And for me to maintain a relationship with (head cheerleader) Colette Jansen. We’ve been going out since 9th grade.”

Van Horn, is generally regarded as an accurate passer with decent arm strength, but too small to play division one college football.

“What we’ve got here is the typical high school jock who’s enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame, local as it may be, and riding it for whatever it’s worth.” said Assistant Coach Glenn Connors. “You know how it goes. You peak early, then, not long after graduating, you’re stuck here driving a forklift down at the beer distributor after a failed attempt at a division three walk on. Then you marry Colleen or Corine or Colette, whatever the hell her name is, and rent an apartment on the north side of town and eat frozen dinners and watch reality TV all night. But until that day, I hope to see a lot of touchdowns from this kid.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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Obsessed Will Clark Fan Follows Retired Star to His Auto Dealership Gig to Cheer Him On

October 16th, 2014

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way. A way for an obsessed sociopath to track his every move that is.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he hasn’t had a Major League at bat since 2000, one Will Clark fan apparently refuses to stop cheering. Milton Charles Block, 54, of Mill Valley, California has worshiped the former Giants slugger from afar for years. Now, Block often follows the man they called “The Thrill” to his current place of employment, Valley Nissan.

Clark is Vice President and part owner of the dealership and Block has been seen repeatedly cheering Clark for such acts as approving rebates, observing undercoat application, and “putting a family of four behind the wheel of something sensible today.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Old Greek Guy Vows to Cite One Sports Contribution Greece has Made since Ancient Olympics

October 15th, 2014

A Greek Shall Inherit the Earth; At least according to this guy.

ATHENS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s a clear case of ‘what have you done for me lately?’ And the Greeks are hearing about it. After creating the original Olympic Games in approximately 776 B.C., most Greeks admit they’ve rested on their laurels ever since; at least in terms of contributing to the sports world. But Spyros Papadimitriou insists his country has indeed made a contribution.

“I know we came up with something,” the 84 year old Papadimitriou said through an interpreter to a small contingent of mostly British reporters. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. But I suspect the game may involve a ball and possibly some sheep.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Family Man Not Seen by Wife and Kids Since Football Season Began

October 14th, 2014

Missing From Man Cave. Jerry Larson no longer in basement frightens family.

ROCKVILLE, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jerry Larson, 49, is a respected man in his community. He owns a tool supply company, coaches Little League, plays drums in a wedding band, and worships the Washington Redskins. However, since early September when the season opened, Larson hasn’t been seen by anyone including his family.

Initially, his wife Martha, 46, wasn’t concerned. However, after repeated, unanswered calls for dinner, she became suspicious.  Read the rest of this entry »

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Two-Legged Modesto Man Disqualified from One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest

October 13th, 2014

 

 

Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.

SACRAMENTO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 12th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws. The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.

“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Professional Bowling’s Remaining Two Fans to Call it Quits

October 10th, 2014

No Bowl of Cherries. Mildred and Stanley Slavish of Nanticoke, Pennsylvania say they will stop following pro bowlers around beginning next week, effectively ending the 52 year run of the PBA.

NANTICOKE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the 1960’s and 70’s, it was as much a Saturday afternoon institution as going to the kiddie matinee at the local movie theatre. Announcers Chris Schenkel along with Billy Welu, and later Nelson Burton Jr. brought bowling into the homes of millions of viewers across America every weekend on ABC television. The broadcast still had a sizable following in the 1980’s and even early 1990’s. But by 1997 coverage ended. Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Alex Rodriguez Installs Applause Sign in Bedroom; Adds Studio Audience

October 9th, 2014

Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. Read the rest of this entry »

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Christopher Walken to Manage Oakland A’s in 2014

October 7th, 2014

Offbeat Actor to Employ Disjointed Managerial Style in Attempt to Confuse Opponents

 

 

 

Walken to First. Chris Walken intends to get players who are issued a base on balls to saunter down the baseline with panache.

 

 

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a stunning move announced yesterday, the Oakland Athletics say that immediately after this season, they will replace current manager, Bob Melvin, with the eccentric character actor Christopher Walken.

“This was simply a move we’ve wanted to make for a long time,” said A’s General Manager Billy Beane. “Bob is a terrific manager, but we have always done things here in an unorthodox way — so we want to experiment with Chris’ menacing style of motivation. We’re confident his horrific yet deadpan bravura will have the balance of the AL West scratching its collective head the entire season.” Read the rest of this entry »

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