What Up Dawg? Cujo's out for blood. And Michael Vick is donating.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Philadelphia Eagles backup quarterback Michael Vick says he’s still working to rebuild his life and football career.

Two years after being released from prison for his role in a dog fighting ring,  Vick continues to insist he’s a new man. But the NFL isn’t taking any chances as he’ll be closely monitored by the rabid and possibly demonic St. Bernard, Cujo. (more…)

Heroes and Aliens. A recently de-classified photo of Jackie Robinson posing with X-^g^*xC, whose fastball was then clocked at 153 miles per hour.

X-^g^*xC To Dress for SF Giants Game This Week

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The year was 1947. The great Jackie Robinson tore down the archaic racial divide that prevented African-Americans from playing Major League Baseball. But that very same year, unbeknownst to Robinson and most Americans, and more than halfway across the country, an alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico igniting a controversy which has been hotly debated to this day; namely the existence of intelligent life outside our solar system. But now believers in the massive Roswell Cover-up have been rewarded. (more…)

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou's repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all. (more…)

The Good Life. Larry Swarski’s time on Earth is measured in seconds.

PITTSBURGH  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In an effort to encourage a healthier ballpark experience, the Pittsburgh Pirates say they plan to offer turkey hot dogs at specified locations throughout PNC Park the rest of the season. (more…)

Night Game. Expect the World Series to have a markedly different twist.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) There are no guarantees the Philadelphia Phillies will make their third straight World Series appearance this October, but one thing is for sure, one of the City of Brotherly Love’s favorite sons will be there.

M. Night Shyamalan, director of such acclaimed epics as The Sixth Sense and Signs has been set to direct this year’s World Series on FOX.

Shyamalan, whose most recent films have been largely panned by critics and have struggled at the box office, is attempting a comeback of sorts in a medium he calls “live reality sports TV.”   Though Shyamalan assures the integrity of the World Series, he says he plans some unexpected surprises for the 2010 fall classic. (more…)

Taylor Made CGB driver used to tee off on company reps.

FARMINGDALE, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Get the clubs the pros are using on us,” screams the ad from Taylor Made, a California-based manufacturer of golf clubs. Yesterday, the national promotional campaign took a horrible turn when its meaning was catastrophically misinterpreted by scores of literal-minded golfers eager to give the clubs a try. Brandishing an assortment of irons and fairway metals from Taylor Made’s new CGB Max Golf Set, golfers proceeded to “use” them on unsuspecting Taylor Made sales reps staging demos at golf courses around the country. Beatings were reported at some of the nation’s best known courses, including Heron Bay in South Florida, Bethpage on Long Island, and Pebble Beach in California.

“Thanks to our patented SuperFast Technology, which reduces total club weight while promoting faster swing speed for added distance, none of the injuries were life-threatening, “said company spokesman Joshua Blank. “I shudder to think what would have happened if patrons opted for Callaway or Nike or Tommy Armour clubs – their added clubhead weight would have caused untold carnage.” (more…)

Toodle-Lou! Lou Piniella says farewell and good luck to the star-crossed Cubbies.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) An emotional Lou Piniella bid farewell to the Chicago Cubs and their fans on Sunday after an excruciating 16-5 trouncing at the hands of the National League East leading Atlanta Braves.

After four seasons as skipper of the Northsiders, Piniella abruptly left the club to care for his ailing mother.

“I took this gig because I believed maybe, just maybe, I could turn things around. Perhaps even reverse the curse,” said Piniella speaking of the Curse of the Billy Goat. “What the hell was I thinking? This team is a bewitched, damned, bedeviled, star-crossed, jinxed, unsanctified, cloven-footed circus on wheels that will never see a World Series again in my or my grandchild’s lifetime.” (more…)

Grabbed this video capture with an iPhone. Cleveland Indians right fielder Shin-Soo Choo makes an incredible sliding catch in right field against the White Sox. Meanwhile, the guy in the foreground holding the beer could care less. Hey buddy, if you don’t have the baseball savvy to turn around and watch some spectacular defense, you’re probably better served enjoying your brew at the corner bar. Its cheaper.

Pretty Machete Attitude. Anthony Genovese of Havertown, PA is just as excited about the weekend series as anyone.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gearing up for a weekend series during the pennant drive in Philadelphia and you can expect boundless energy.  Perhaps more than the Washington Nationals and a few visiting fans making the trek up I-95 to the City of Brotherly Love are accustomed to.  The Nats and their relatively laid back, casual fans, were told to prepare for the onslaught of the classic Philadelphia sports fan – the crazed, passionate fanatics who in the past have been able to rattle pitchers off the mound with booing and yelling.

Apparently the Phillies and their fans have something extra special in store for the team from nation’s capital. (more…)

Asteroid Rage. Mark McGwire denies he ingested asteroid fragments. Then breaks down and admits he did "something."

NASA Supplied Former Slugger with Space Dust Particles in Effort to Be More Cosmic

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball’s league office in New York is concerned a new scandal is looming. Though the spelling is only one letter off, the effects of (a)steroids pose an entirely new set of problems for former Major League slugger Mark McGwire, and possibly others.

It is now alleged that McGwire regularly used asteroids. (more…)