Bite Nite. Larry Kinsey is working it hard.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Tuesday night’s Game 6 between the San Antonio Spurs and the host Miami Heat was one for the ages. All the dramatic swings couldn’t have played out better if they’d been conceived and produced in Hollywood. Apparently the intensity was too much for one fan.  Larry Kinsey couldn’t stop biting his nails in the fourth quarter which resulted in a bloody mess. The scene nauseated his squeamish girlfriend Melissa as she ran for cover.

“It’s the same kind of nail biting I do when I owe my bookie money.” said Kinsey. “I just started gnawing and gnawing. Eventually, blood spewed everywhere. Just before (Ray) Allen hit that three pointer with a few seconds left in regulation is when I must have hit an artery and ‘sweet tomatoes’ it was like a fire hose went off.”  (more…)

Pretty Machete Attitude. Anthony Genovese of Havertown, PA is just as excited about this midweek series as anyone.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s June. The season is approaching the midway point. Playing a divisional rival can only mean one thing – boundless energy; Perhaps more than the Washington Nationals and a few visiting fans making the trek up I-95 to the City of Brotherly Love are accustomed to.  The Nats and their relatively laid back, casual fans, have been warned told to prepare for the classic Philadelphia sports fan – the crazed, passionate fanatics who in the past have been able to rattle pitchers off the mound with booing and yelling.

Apparently the Phillies and their fans have something extra special in store for the team from nation’s capital.

For the fourth time this season, the team will give each paying fan a fourteen inch razor sharp machete to swing and wave throughout the game. (more…)

What the Hell? Jerry Sandusky’s perplexed by the news Satan is dropping him.

HELL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Satan, also known as the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Father of Lies and Prince of Darkness, an early supporter of former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, has announced he will cut ties with the convicted child molester.

“It’s really in our best interest down here to just wipe the slate clean and let Jerry go on his merry way.” chimed Satan. “After all, we do have our standards. I’d like to add parenthetically that I’ve placed a curse on him just for shits and giggles. He’ll experience extreme abdominal discomfort and poo some rusty pins. It’s an oldie but a goodie.”  (more…)

Yu Cannot Be Serious! Marc Yu won’t be pitching for the Pirates – at least not till September.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Marc Yu, the twelve year old piano prodigy is not only known for his technical keyboard pyrotechnics, but for having perfect pitch. When Pittsburgh Pirates veteran scout Andy Washeski caught wind of this, he hopped into his 2003 Honda Civic, drove to Yu’s home, and begged the Pirates to sign the wunderkind to a deal. Yu’s parents were a bit perplexed, but allowed the youngster to sign.

Upon inking Yu, Washeski claimed the signing would define his career. (more…)

One Hit Blunder. Only known pic of Liddell.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On June 3, 1990 catcher Dave Liddell made his first and only appearance in the Major Leagues with the New York Mets. In his only at-bat, he singled then “retired” with a perfect 1.000 batting average.

There are others in baseball who’ve accomplished the same feat, but none have used the achievement to their advantage quite the way Liddell has. (more…)

Walk Off Boss. The walk of loss was commandeered by Fredi G.

SAN DIEGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Atlanta Braves exploded for four runs in the top of the ninth inning on Monday night, but it still wasn’t enough as they lost to the San Diego Padres, 7-6.

The Braves displayed a weak offensive output throughout the contest, until the late surge.

“We really sustained a level of ineptitude that kept our opponents in complete control,” said Braves manager, Fredi Gonzalez. “I’m glad we were able to give our fans a nice walk off loss.”

“I love being a fan of this team,” said Parker Vogel of Athens, Georgia. “We’ve come to expect are fair amount of winning over the years. So one of these walk off losses is sweet.” (more…)

Duncan Donuts? Maybe for dessert.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After the Miami Heat’s Sunday night 103-84 thrashing of the San Antonio Spurs, superstar LeBron James joined his teammates for the traditional post game dinner, and a small victory celebration before departing for Texas. Nothing unusual there. What did catch James by surprise was discovering a despondent Tim Duncan sulking at the bottom of his generous portion of grilled fish and macaroni and cheese.

“Hey.” a crestfallen Duncan moaned. “I’m here because I’d like to personally thank you and the fellas for a lesson in reality.”

Eyewitnesses said James did his best to cheer up his opponent.  (more…)

“Torried” Love Affair. A-Rod turns crowd from jeers to cheers.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend, Torrie Wilson has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. (more…)

Damn Typos. Roderick “Red” Newton-Ayers at local eatery searching desperately for his team.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Roderick “Red” Newton-Ayers, 97, the head of the conglomerate, Texas T Oil, has followed his team since they entered the National League in 1962 as the Colt 45’s in Major League Baseball’s second year of expansion.

Now, the rapidly aging Newton-Ayers is up in arms about being unable to find his team in the baseball standings.

“They must be here somewhere.” the irate magnate yelled, as his man servant, Lars massaged his thighs while he engaged his usual breakfast of grapefruit, a scrambled egg, and two slices of bacon. “What in all things holy is going on here? I’m looking at the bottom of the NL Central. They should be there!” (more…)

Organ-ically Hip. The Phantom’s gonna rock Marlins Park.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After an exhaustive search, Miami Marlins ownership opened up their wallet and inked perhaps the most famous organist in history, Erik, better known as the Phantom of the Opera.

The Phantom is expected to join the team for their home stand beginning June 25th, against the Minnesota Twins.

“We’ll need to go over repertoire, when to play the “charge” theme, and permanently psychologically scar our tens of fans by removing his mask to reveal that hideous face during the 7th inning stretch.” said Alex Fontaine, In-Game Creative Director. “Of course most of the psychological scaring will have already been provided by our team’s play.” (more…)

All Is “Air” In Love. Call of the day kinda sucks.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Things to do in Denver when you’re dead might include an on air divorce. Afternoon sports talk show host Lamar Young of 104.3 The Fan, took a call from a woman named Caroline, a name that’s shared by his wife. When the caller said “I wanna divorce” Young knew immediately it actually was his wife. She then followed the dramatic declaration quickly with the old caller standby, “I’ll hang up and listen.” She hung up and listened.

A stunned Young fumbled a bit before announcing to his audience that his wife had obviously discovered his betting slips which he thought he’d carefully concealed in some ceiling tiles.  (more…)

Snot Kidding! Lupus is a Marlin.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Needing help in nearly every department, the Miami Marlins have traded for the Bad News Bears’ Timmy Lupus. The fictional, light-hitting, poor-fielding outfielder is expected to give the last place Marlins a boost in attendance, which is at the bottom of Major League Baseball.

“We’re fully aware of Timmy’s colossal limitations.” said team General Manager, Michael Hill. “But we’re banking on his overall cuteness, and sweet yet pathetic underdog qualities to put fannies in the seats and motivate his teammates. Let’s not forget, Timmy’s been to the post-season, made an historic catch, and is brimming with mucus, should one of our pitchers want to put a little something extra on the baseball, if you catch my thinly-veiled drift.”

Marlins’ Single A affiliate, the Greensboro Grasshoppers, shipped 22 year old outfielder, Cody Keefer to the Bears in exchange for Lupus and cash considerations.  (more…)