Blogs by: The Sportsman's Daily

Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

Friday, November 18th, 2016

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

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Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all. (more…)


From the Archives: LeBron James Admits He Enjoys Speeding Through School Zones Just Because He’s LeBron James

Thursday, November 17th, 2016
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School Daze. LBJ just havin’ fun.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before traveling westward for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James got in a little “me” time.  He enjoyed a thrilled-packed afternoon of illegal fireworks displays near a nursing home, and driving recklessly at high rates of speed through school zones.

“Just blowin’ off a little steam,” the All-Star forward chimed. “Some people like to listen to some jams, others toss back a cold one, or spark up a big ass fatty. LBJ likes to endanger the innocent with indiscriminant hi jinx just because I’m LBJ, dig?” (more…)


From the Archives: Jerry Sandusky’s Private Paterno Eulogy Impresses Roman Polanski

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

 

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The Sandy Man Can. Jerry Sandusky eulogizes JoePa in his own special way.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled former Penn State assistant coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky eulogized legendary head coach Joe Paterno yesterday in a private ceremony from his backyard seen on closed circuit television by a selected group of relatives and friends, including iconic film director, Roman Polanski. (more…)


Ghost of Ted Knight Won’t Stop Haunting South Florida Golf Courses

Monday, November 14th, 2016

Caddyshack Star Terrorizes Golfers with Harrowing Cry of “Well…we’re waiting!”

 

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Nice hat. Ted Knight died in 1986, but apparently no one’s had the heart to tell him.

DAVIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Grande Oaks Golf Club, formerly Rolling Hills Golf Club, where the motion picture Caddyshack was shot in the fall of 1979, is one of many South Florida golf courses where reports of disturbing encounters with the long dead character actor, Ted Knight continue to surface.

But lately the paranormal events have become more frequent and unsettling. (more…)


Progressives Everywhere Rush to Stockpile Adjectives Before It’s Too Late

Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
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Chomsky at the Bit. Noam Chomsky has his concerns.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the wake of a stunning 2016 race to the White House that elected Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States, Progressives everywhere have gathered together stockpiling adjectives by the truckload.  Active verbs and the occasional gerund to hurl are also being culled en masse from undisclosed locations.  (more…)


From Litly to Bigly: The Day President Elect Trump Managed Son’s Little League Team

Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
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Trump on the Bump. Barron to show his stuff.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As much of a hands-on mom Melania is, her husband likes to get in plenty of quality time with their son Barron, too. Barron totally looks up to his father — so much so that Melania’s nickname for Barron is “Little Donald.” In that same interview, she went on to say that when Barron was 5 years old, “he wanted to be like daddy: a businessman and golfer.” But it seems as though Donald’s influence on Barron started even younger, as a former Trump butler Tony Senecal told Inside Edition, “When Barron was two-and-a-half years old I took his breakfast into him. He was sitting in his highchair and he looks at me and he said: ‘Tony! Sit down! We need to talk!'” Donald is equally as fond of his son, calling Barron a “fantastic young boy” in an interview with E! News last year. (more…)


NBA-NRA Chess Charity Event Cancelled

Monday, November 7th, 2016

MEMPHIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Players from the Memphis Grizzlies and a select group of National Rifle Association members were supposed to have engaged in a series of chess games to raise money for inner city youth. The event was abruptly cancelled when representatives from both sides couldn’t agree on such issues as alloted time between moves, height of chess pieces, and who would sing the national anthem at the venue – Hank Williams Jr. or Rihanna.  (more…)


From the Archives: Andy Reid Purportedly Has Near Life Experience

Friday, October 28th, 2016
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Life Reidings? Apparently there’s something happening.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach, Andy Reid unquestionably has has turned things around in his short tenure in town, but life in the NFL changes every week, which may be a part of the reason for an extremely unusual occurrence that may be both physiological and paranormal.

“It appears the coach had a near life experience.” said Chiefs General Manager, John Dorsey. “We consider this a positive since no one has been able to get a pulse from him since 2008.”

Unlike a near death experience, where a person might have the not uncommon sense of crossing over to another dimension which some religious believers say could be an afterlife, the near life experience is infinitely more rare. (more…)


More Legal Troubles: O.J. Simpson Charged with Selling Uranium to Iran

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

 

 

I-ran Through Airports for This! O.J. Simpson shown here with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in undated photo, honestly feels he’s done something good.

 

TEHRAN, IRAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson continues to serve a lengthy prison sentence at Lovelock Correction Center in Nevada. But that sentence could become even longer.  Simpson allegedly met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of 2008 and promised him 20,000 cubic tons of enriched uranium to help aid Iran’s nuclear program.

“I’m pretty connected,” a boastful Simpson said from his isolated prison cell. “Ahmadinejad had been looking for someone inside the United States to essentially ‘hook him up.’ I was pleased to oblige. He kind of gets a bad rap as being a madman. If anyone knows how the press can play with the truth, it’s me.” (more…)


From the Archives: Down on Luck Lenny Dykstra Sells Dentures on eBay

Tuesday, October 25th, 2016
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Glass Act. Lenny Dykstra’s teeth include this collectible glass container.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) How the mighty have fallen. Once a baseball all-star and stock picker to the stars, former outfielder, Lenny Dykstra, now spends his days toiling away in prison. His rap sheet reads like the credits on a blockbuster movie…long.

Now, the man they called “Nails” will take whatever bucks he can as he’s just put his dentures up for bid on eBay. No takers as of yet. (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily’s Experiment with Outsourcing Satire Overseas Deemed Epic Failure

Monday, October 24th, 2016

 

Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

 

 

The Problem: Sports Humor Lost in Translation

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the cost of satire on the rise, The Sportsman’s Daily made a bold move last December by outsourcing a bulk of its satirical writing overseas.  The sense of excitement in the company’s main office soon turned to one of profound frustration.   (more…)


Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

Friday, October 21st, 2016

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 75 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.”

Allen has had high level meetings with NBA Commissioner David Stern on how to strike any mention of the Knicks from all record books and return season tickets to every fan who ever existed. (more…)