Blogs by: TommyA

TSD Back on Monday, November 7

Monday, October 31st, 2016

imagesHi All,

The Sportsman’s Daily will be away for a short bit for some maintenance and repairs. We’ll see you on November 7.

Thank you,

The Staff


Braves Electrify Fans With Walk Off Loss

Thursday, August 18th, 2016

 

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Walk Off Boss. The walk of loss was commandeered by the Snit.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Atlanta Braves squeezed out one run in the ninth inning on Wednesday night, but it still wasn’t enough as they lost to the Minnesota Twins, 10-3.

The Braves displayed a weak offensive output throughout the contest, until ultimately, the last remaining ember of  hope was permanently vanquished.

“We really sustained a level of ineptitude that kept our opponents in complete control,” said Braves manager, Brian Snitker. “I’m glad we were able to give our fans a nice walk off loss.”

“I love being a fan of this team,” said Parker Vogel of Athens, Georgia. “We’ve come to expect are fair amount of winning over the years. So one of these walk off losses is sweet.” (more…)


TSD Will Be Back on Monday, 6.6.16

Tuesday, May 31st, 2016

Unknown-2Hi Fans,

The Sportsman’s Daily will return with more exciting satire on Monday, June 6th, 2016. Until then, we’ll let the games display their own brand of comedy as they’re sure to organically produce some out and out laughter, stupidity, and incomprehensible nonsense.

Best,

TSD Management


IT’S OPENING DAY! Miami Marlins Mathematically Eliminated From 2016 Pennant Race

Monday, April 4th, 2016

Causeway for Alarm. This Fish fan can’t take it anymore and jumps from the Venetian Causeway.

MIAMI (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – It began before spring training. The pessimism ran rampant not only among fans of the Miami Marlins, but the players themselves. Giancarlo Stanton, one of the lone bright spots on the club, sat at home and text messaged other members of the team telling them “feel free to show up of shape, it doesn’t matter anyway.” The power hitting outfielder then spent the afternoon repeatedly fouling pitches off his toe. (more…)


From the Archives: Trash Talking Contestants Roil 87th Annual Spelling Bee

Tuesday, March 1st, 2016
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Ansun Sujoe and Sriram HathwarKavya Shivashankar refuse to let trash talking stop them from sharing the top prize in the 87th Annual Scripps Spelling Bee

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Controversy clouded the 87th annual Scripps National Spelling Bee that ended in a tie between thirteen-year old Ansun Sujoe of Fort Worth, Texas and  fourteen-year old Sriram Hathwar of Painted Post, N.Y., each taking home the $30,000 grand prize. Nancy Tretter, the Bee’s security coordinator, described the ugly scene that unfolded just before the remaining contestants were to enter the Grand Hyatt’s Independence Ballroom for the final round. (more…)


Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

Friday, November 20th, 2015

 

Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests.

“Boy, back in the day seeing Davis chuckle in your direction when one of his goons knocked your books to the floor was a life-altering experience, you’d go over in your head for days on end whether it was a chuckle, a sneer or a sadistic grin — all the while just thrilled that he noticed you,” said Sam Edelman, who was in Davis’s homeroom from the 6th through the 11th grade. “When I saw him on Facebook it took me four weeks to screw up the courage and send a friend request. I never in a million years expected him to respond. I mean, it’s been over 35 years!” (more…)


Phillies Sign Fans to Three Year Deal; Proposed Swap for Reds Faithful Nixed

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015

 

I Ain’t Movin’. Philly resident Tony Zapski, an on-again, off-again Phillies fan, is relieved to be staying put.

PHILADELPHIA – (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ending weeks of speculation to the contrary, the Philadelphia Phillies today announced that they would keep their fans despite pressure from certain players to trade them to another city because they boo too much. Struck on the fourth day of negotiations, the deal will keep the Phillies fans in Philadelphia for three years guaranteed with a one year option.  GM Ruben Amaro Jr. said there were very serious talks with the city of Cincinnati and the Reds organization to switch fans, but in the end the logistics of the planned swap proved insurmountable. (more…)


From the Archives: Teammates Stunned to Learn Pitcher Brett Myers Enjoys Reading

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014

 

 

 

Curveball. Brett Myers certainly threw his teammates a big old hook.

 

 

GLENDALE, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As spring training gets underway, Chicago White Sox pitcher Brett Myers decided to tell teammates in a teary confession that he enjoys reading lengthy novels, sometimes two or three at a time.

“Fellas, I’d like to share something with you all.” Myers said, speaking above the din of the locker room, his voice unsteady and his eyes welling up with emotion. (more…)


Four Out of Five Doctors Agree Reggie is Still an Asshole

Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

 

Jackass. Reggie Jackson apparently can still deliver the goods.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hall of Fame slugger Reggie Jackson may have mellowed over the years, but it seems the overall personality traits that often infuriated managers, fans, opponents and teammates alike remain firmly intact.

“I feel like if I know a fastball is coming, I can still jack one out of the yard,” said the  64 year old Jackson. “That’s a nice feeling to have. Its also a nice feeling to know that I can bewilder most pea brained homunculi with my near genius 149 IQ, witty repartie, still dashing good looks, and life-of-the-party magnetism. But be rest assured that should my sole recourse be rolling around in the intellectual mud, I can motherfuck someone up and down with the best of them.”

“Yep, he’s still an asshole,” said former Yankees teammate Craig Nettles. “That’s Reggie talking.” (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Still Hoping to One Day Write Article on North Dakota Sports

Monday, October 20th, 2014

 

 

 

So Fargo Away. Doesn’t anybody satire in this place anymore?

 

 

FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the long and storied existence of the Sportsman’s Daily, there has never been a time when the editorial staff has found the need to write a story centering on North Dakota sports. Some staffers hope that will change.

TSD’s Fargo office, a small shack near a railroad track with a lamp, a rotary phone, an Underwood® manual typewriter, and an AM radio, was closed in 1994 after the mysterious disappearance of correspondent Buford Wells. Wells had claimed he had unearthed a satirical story on a semi-pro baseball team in Fargo that could shake the then fledgling sports satire world to it’s core.

He was never heard from again. (more…)


Cole Hamels Early Favorite for Biped of the Year; Kangaroo, Ostrich Also in Running

Thursday, September 18th, 2014

 

Roos or Ruse? Cole Hamels isn’t quite sure.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the top left handers in the game, pitcher Cole Hamels is one of the few bright spots in an otherwise forgettable 2014 Philadelphia Phillies season. With a solid statistical season nearly behind him, Hamels is the odds on favorite to win Biped of the Year. The award has been handed out each year by the Bipedalism Enthusiasts of North America (BENA) since 2003. Past winners include Dirk Nowitzki, Phil Mickelson, and a chicken. (more…)