No Soup for Me! Apparently that's all one vendor is hearing at Nationwide Arena in Columbus.

COLUMBUS, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Juan Del Santo has struggled to find work for two years, and is feeling the effects of a bleak economy. The former limo service owner who came to the United States from Spain in 1997, was forced to give up his business. He recently got part time work as a vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets games. Unfortunately for him, the Spanish soup Gazpacho, which is served cold, is not catching on as he’d hoped.

“I realize hockey arenas are cold and many people like to sip hot cocoa or coffee, but beer is cold, and people drink that.” said the disillusioned entrepreneur. “My Gazpacho is wonderful, it’s my grandmother Isabella’s recipe. It’s nutritious and delicious. Apparently folks here in the rust belt have difficulty kicking their nachos and footlong dogs to the curb for this Andalucian delicacy. Well, it’s their loss.” (more…)

Catch FROM THE BLEACHERS w/ Tom Alexander on a Yahoo! Sports Radio affiliate near you Friday nights during Friday Night Insiders from 7-8PM ET.

FTB is a humorous and occasionally poignant radio essay geared at the sports fan and the “everyman.” If you’ve missed any of the episodes, you can check out our archives right here on Soundcloud. 

Double Coverage. Habibah al-Saad gettin' it done Cowboys style.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Leave it to America’s Team to break down the last remaining barriers in professional sports. Though Habibah al-Saad’s routine is never in sync with her cheerleader sisters, the lone Muslim member of the squad is gaining wild popularity. Her Cowboys blue burqa has become all the rage on the sidelines this season, and is now the talk on the street in the Dallas Metroplex.

“The way she stands there – a towering unsexy, motionless figure in stark contrast to the sea of spectacular tits and ass – now that is really something to behold.” said season ticket holder Burton Whitelaw. “She’s rewriting the role of cheerleader every day.” (more…)

We lost Dudley Moore ten years ago today. My friends enjoyed harassing me about how I reminded them of him. I for one didn’t mind the comparison, except for the short jokes. It’s in TSD AfterDark.

BOCA RATON (Special to TSD) Just like you, we’ll be loading up on football, family, friends, and food. We’ll then retire to the sofa to luxuriate in our tryptophan induced haze and snore away until someone tells us the pumpkin pie is being served. Then around midnight we’ll raid the fridge for more stuffing or perhaps a turkey sandwich. After that, we won’t want to see turkey again for at least a month.

Oh, and one last thought. Why the hell do we need to see so many stories on how to prepare a turkey?? Americans have been making turkey since the freekin’ 1600s.  Odds are someone in your family knows how to do it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all our readers. We’ll be back on Monday, November 28, 2011.

Wise Up. Rick Wise smacks his second homer in the top of eighth of the Reds Clay Carroll while tossing a no-hitter.

CINCINNATI (Special to TSD) 40 years ago today, the single greatest achievement by a pitcher in one game took place in Cincinnati – and I say that without any reservation.

In a nifty one hour and fifty three minutes, Philadelphia Phillies ace, Rick Wise tossed a no-hitter. A no-hitter you say? Big deal.

Actually, it was. Wise was one walk away from hurling a perfect game. Still not impressed? Consider he threw the gem at the hard hitting Cincinnati Reds – yes, THOSE Cincinnati Reds – the Big Red Machine, fresh off a 1970 World Series appearance that featured the likes of Pete Rose and future Hall of Famers Johnny Bench and Tony Perez (Joe Morgan would arrive in 1972) flanked by Lee May, Dave Concepcion, Hal McRae, and a young George Foster. And he did it in Cincinnati.

But that’s not all. (more…)

Philly Phallic. Weiner will launch a slew of dick shaped dogs into the crowd.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Someone in the Phillies PR department gets it – though the joke is certainly the elephant in the room. U.S. Representative for New York’s 9th District, Anthony Weiner, who is embroiled in controversy for Twittering® explicit photos of his genitalia to women, will be standing side by side tomorrow evening with the Phillie Phanatic in a promotional hot dog launch at Citizen’s Bank Park.

“When they called me, my initial reaction was rage,” said Weiner. “But after thinking about it, it might just be the thing to take some of the heat off the situation. We have to laugh at ourselves. Personally, I laugh every time I look at my johnson in the mirror.” (more…)

Harmon Killebrew

BOCA RATON (Special to TSD) - His home runs were majestic, towering moon shots of beauty. He put the Twins Cities on his broad shoulders and carried his Twins into contention from the mid 1960’s to early 1970’s. He was wore number 3 – like another great power hitter every baseball fan knows.

Harmon Killebrew passed away today after a long, courageous battle with esophageal cancer. He was 74.

We don’t often recognize the passing of athletes with tributes on this site. We mainly stick what we think we do best – satire. (more…)

Flare Package. Preston Dodds with the elusive "Flare for the Dramatic"

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After tagging a solo homer in the tenth inning Wednesday leading the Dodgers to a 5-4 victory over the red hot Florida Marlins, right fielder Andre Ethier told reporters the elusive “flare for the dramatic must be near here somewhere.”

He was right.

Similar to renowned 19th century archaeologist Heinrich Schliemann using Homer’s “Odyssey” as his guide to unearth lost civilizations, divers acted on Ethier’s hunch and found the flare at 5:23AM Thursday morning in the Biscayne Bay.

“We had our suspicions,” said sports historian Connor Seagrave-Daley. “This team (Dodgers) has been struggling lately. So when Andre hit the game-winning homer, then accurately came to the conclusion the actual flare was in the general vicinity, that was good enough for us.”

“Flare for the dramatic” is a term that has long been used by sports writers to describe electrifying and sudden endings to sporting events. Very few people believed the flare was indeed real.

But Seagrave-Daley felt differently. (more…)

Our co-written effort, STONERVILLE certainly had it’s moments on the set with the likes of Phil “Jackie Chiles” Morris, Pauly Shore and the late Leslie Nielsen cracking wise. But movie leads Patrick Cavanaugh and Brian Guest seemed to have the most fun with outtakes like this. We give you, the CARGASM. Its in TSD AfterDark.

By Tom Alexander

Nothing But Net. Unless Max was around.

DAVIE, FL (Special to TSD) I was reminded this morning of an unusual stretch of my life by an old friend. It has to do with another old friend. This first friend is a public figure, a writer for a daily newspaper in Northeastern Pennsylvania, so I could use his name – Dave Konopki. He’s the sports editor for the Times Leader. Dave and I go back to 7th or 8th grade. We were ushers in each other’s weddings. We still talk quite frequently. Whenever I need to find out anything going on in my old hometown, Dave is the “go to” guy.

The other old friend is not a public figure, and quite frankly, we haven’t even seen each other in probably twenty-five years, so I’ll give him an alias and respect his privacy.

We’ll call him Max. (more…)

Illustrate This. Sci-Fi character drops in on the NBA All-Star Game.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Illustrated Man, the character created by legendary science fiction writer Ray Bradbury and played by Rod Steiger in the 1969 film of the same name, made a shocking and entirely unexpected appearance at Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles.

“It was horrific,” said the game’s high scorer, hometown favorite, Kobe Bryant who led the West to a 148-143 victory. “My man was chilling – and when I say that – I don’t mean chillin’. It was chilling as in bone chilling, scary-ass shit.”

Players, coaches, fans and even some members of the security team bolted for the exits as this horrific, mutated man, who is both from the past and the future, stood at mid court bathed in an eerie, incandescent glow, as the pulsating strains of Lil’ Wayne came to a screeching halt. (more…)