Blogs by: TommyA

‘Roids Ravage the Runway: A Special Report from TSD Fashion Writer Lloyd Featherstone

Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

 

Slovenian model of indetermindate gender (and Jessica Parker look-alike) strikes pose before gathering a makeup artist, two publicists and Donatella Versace’s assistant in a vice-like headlock. All four passed out and were revived by a contingent of male models who happed upon the scene.

 

6’-7” Amazonian supermodels from Latvia…models with superhuman stamina, capable of withstanding 72 hour non-stop photo shoots…hair stylists and personal assistants pummeled in fits of rage…TSD’s investigative fashion writer, Lloyd Featherstone, files this head-turning account.


(Special to Sportsman’s Daily)

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)–  Persistent rumors of widespread HGH use among top super models have all but overshadowing recent shows unveiling the Fall collections from the likes of Michael Cors, Anna Sui and Vera Wang.

It seemed just yesterday when the “waif” look ruled the runway and anorexic models wafted weightlessly across the pages of top fashion magazines. Then, beginning around 2003-2004, we noticed changes, starting with the Marc Jacobs show in Milan, where his homage to 70’s teen fashion (with hints of playful pederasty) was in sharp contrast to the freakishly large, angry models that stalked the runway – at least a third were over 6’-4”, with comically oversized heads and shockingly large, mannish hands — all exuding a barely suppressed rage that seemed completely at odds with the theme of the collection.

Flash forward seven years, as we caught up with several prominent “fashionistas” who shared their thoughts and observations about the rumors convulsing the fashion world. (more…)


S&P Downgrades New York Mets to “Really Shitty”

Thursday, September 4th, 2014

 

 

 

Mr. Fret. The iconic mascot lets it all out.

 

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Standard and Poor’s (S&P), the US based financial service company and one of the big three credit rating agencies worldwide, has downgraded the New York Metropolitans National League Baseball Club (Mets) to the unprecedented status of “really shitty.”

A combination of the Wilpon family being victimized by the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme scandal, poor management, over-valued contracts, and a variety of other confounding team operation decisions have all played a part in reducing the Mets to the “really shitty” status. This came after first being classified as “plain shitty” just five months ago. Only two teams have seen their ratings plummet to the “plain shitty” status; the 1977 Oakland A’s and 1998 Florida Marlins, one year after both teams’ ownerships held a fire sale, dumping their most expensive contracts. (more…)


Bud Selig Reverses Lifetime Ban on Shoeless Joe Jackson; Says He’s Welcome to Play Anytime

Friday, August 29th, 2014
Bad to the Bone? Selig says "no." Shoeless Joe's remains are welcome to play again.

Bad to the Bone? Selig says “no.” Shoeless Joe’s remains are welcome to play again.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Eight Men Out. Baseball fans know it as the name of the motion picture which chronicled the eight members of the 1919 Chicago White Sox who were banned permanently from baseball. The most famous among the group was undoubtedly Shoeless Joe Jackson, who wound up being the centerpiece of another great baseball film, Field of Dreams.

Now outgoing MLB Commissioner Bud Selig has reversed the lifetime ban on Jackson and said he’d welcome the hard hitting outfielder back with open arms. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Chester McGlockton Mistakenly Willed Organs for Research to Alma Mater’s English Department

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

 

 

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

 

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Federer to Play in Throwback Slacks, Sweater and Loafers

Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

 

Save for the wood racket (and predilection for pre-pubescent boys), Roger Federer models new look after Big Bill Tilden.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his victory at Indian Wells,  the world’s number 3, Roger Federer, heads into the Sony Ericcson, considered by many to be the “fifth major,” with the wind at his back.  His recent play has not only revived  talk of his return to top form, but rekindles the debate:   is Federer the greatest player of all time? Some argue that he’s the best since the open era began in 1968, when professionals were allowed to compete with amateurs.  The argument becomes increasingly complex when one considers the game’s evolution, from the more genteel sport played in slacks and sweaters to the breathtaking pace of today’s game.

While he’ll never have the opportunity to compete against the Bill Tildens, Don Budges and Rod Lavers – giants of the pre-open era (Laver played in both) – Federer is determined to show he can perform at the highest levels on tennis’s grandest stage in the restrictive throwback garb seldom seen outside of a Ralph Lauren ad. (more…)


TSD Look Back: Press Conference Turns Awkward as Philllies GM Amaro Texts Lee’s Wife Recommendations of Movies She Should See

Monday, July 28th, 2014

I’m French Texting Your Wife. Ruben Amaro is all smiles as Lee babbles on.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Phillies love affair with pitcher Cliff Lee got a bit uncomfortable yesterday afternoon before a throng of Philadelphia media while Lee was answering questions. Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro began texting Lee’s wife Kristen a list of movies, including foreign films, he feels would broaden her horizons.

“At first I thought it was kind of sweet,” said Kristen Lee. “But then it got a little creepy when I’m suddenly inundated with a list of classic films from the French New Wave period. He went on and on and on about La Grande Vadrouille and how unappreciated Yves Montand was in America and how I reminded him of Bridget Bardot and how we could perhaps steal away to a bistro on a rainy Sunday afternoon for croissants with marmalade and sparkling water. Had I known he was gonna be such a Francophile, we might have stayed in Texas. No offense to the French or anything, but I prefer a good burger or wings while watching anything by Judd Apatow.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Larry Bynon, 49 Year Old Inventor of Paper Football Loses Eye in Freak Field Goal Mishap

Friday, July 25th, 2014

 

Eye Formation. Larry Bynon lost an eye for the game he helped invent.

BLAIRSTOWN, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Amos Alonzo Stagg. Pop Warner. George Halas. These men were architects of the great game known as American Football. But it is perhaps Larry Bynon who has had the greatest impact on nearly three generations of young football loving boys in school cafeterias and study halls across this country. Bynon, who is largely regarded as the father of Paper Football suffered a devastating injury while demonstrating the game he created over forty years ago to a group of fourth graders in his hometown of Blairstown, New Jersey. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Roger Ailes Tours Xinhua News Agency: “There’s a Lot to Like”

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

 

Fox News President admires Chinese news agency’s fawning coverage of its athletes. “Here, we have to be more fair and balanced — unless it involves a godless Democrat who looks French, favors the death tax and supports same-sex activity outside the sanctity of a bathroom stall.”

BEIJING, CHINA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Journalists with the Xinhua News Agency are hand-picked and indoctrinated to produce media reports that give the official point of view of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). While even Fox News’ most vocal detractors would admit that its hiring practices and training programs are several degrees short of those employed by the  CCP, Fox News chief Roger Ailes can dare to dream. After Ailes was given a (carefully) guided tour of the Xinhua newsroom (limiting his exposure to their sports reporting apparatus), he came away impressed with what he saw.

“Very professional and disciplined, always on message – a model we can all learn from,” said Ailes, the subject of a recent article in Rolling Stone that portrayed Ailes as a paranoid control freak.  “While I’d like to see our athletes covered in a more favorable light, their special effects department is second to none. I was watching an international competition where our girls compete on the uneven bars and I notice they all have six o’clock shadows and unnatural, uh, bulges – very deft Photoshop work.”

Ailes was particularly impressed with the powers the news agency attributes to the Communist leadership. (more…)


After Missing British Open Cut, Tiger Woods Loses to Little Billy Jensen at Windmill Hole

Monday, July 21st, 2014

 

 

Run of the Mill. Tiger fell apart at the infamous windmill.

 

SAVANNAH, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of not making the cut at the British Open, a long struggling Tiger Woods was hoping to lift his spirits with a game of miniature golf at Silly Shotz Miniature Golf Course.

His opponent was nine year old Billy Jensen of nearby Eulonia.

Woods stayed even with Jensen through seven holes, then took the lead by getting a hole in one through the clown’s mouth prompting his patented fist pump which thrilled the gathering gallery who cheered the fallen golf star’s every move. But once again it all proved to be temporary as the troubles that have hounded Woods’ game for years reared their ugly head at the baby hippo. An errant shot glanced off the hippo’s hind quarters an onto an adjacent hole disrupting Missy Butler’s birthday party.  The seven year old Butler began crying which delayed the match for nearly twenty minutes. (more…)


A Swift Kick to the Balls is the Newest Form of Celebration After Walk-off

Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
sports-injury

Totally Nuts! That’s what ballplayers are calling this latest form of celebrating.


TAMPA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)
As the 2014 baseball season hits the unofficial halfway point and the pennant races heat up, walk off wins are becoming more dramatic. And with all the furor comes the obligatory celebrations at home plate as the winning run scores.

In the past, high fives and pats on the back, as well as shaving cream pies to the face were commonplace as the author of the winning hit soldiered through on-field post game interviews. However, suddenly, things have taken a more sinister turn.  Players are now doubling over in eye crossing pain as their teammates rear back and launch a bracing kick to the scrotal sac; The new term of endearment.  (more…)


Crusty, Old Bastard Hates College Football “Cuz of Dem College Boys”

Thursday, July 10th, 2014

 

PIss Off! This old coot hasn’t got the time for college anything.

CHELSEA, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Norbert McGillicuddy, a 60 year fixture among Boston area sea goers, hates this time of year. That’s when some of his younger, co-workers start talking about the upcoming college football season.

“I hate this crap,” seethed the peg-legged, 77 year old lobster fisherman. “Every year it’s the same thing – ‘Boston College this and Boston College that.’ Nothin’ but a bunch of entitled, rich college boys playin’ a kid’s game. Why don’t they go out an do some real man’s work, like battling a giant octopus or dippin’ yer mitts in a cauldron of boiling water yankin’ out freshly killed lobsters? Huh? Pansies, all of ‘em! What do I give a crap about two a days for? How about gettin’ up at 4AM in 20 degree weather and swabbin’ the deck knee deep in fish guts? I hope these young buttercups I work with understand the meaning of an honest days work.” (more…)


Happy 4th of July from TSD

Friday, July 4th, 2014
fireworks-exterior

Blow ‘er Up! Happy 4th!

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) We’ll be grillin’ and chillin’ just like you all weekend. We’re pretty sure this what the founding fathers had in mind when they signed the Declaration of Independence — cured, grilled meats being scoffed down by large forklift operators, copious amounts of alcoholic beverages being consumed by other large blue collar workers, all followed by the detonation of explosives that illuminate the night sky synced perfectly to the music of John Phillips Sousa performed by a local assemblage of classically trained, but mainly unemployed musicians.

Have a safe and happy 4th folks. See you Monday!