* Philadelphia Phillies Spectator Admits To VOMIT ASSAULT:  April 14, 2010, Citizens Bank Park—Matthew Clemmens of Cherry Hill, New Jersey attended the Phillies/Washington Nationals Game and history was made.  Clemmens, apparently disturbed because one of his buddies was ejected from the park, stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on an off duty Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his 11 year old daughter.  Clemmens plead guilty to one count each of simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment for his conduct.   I bring this up because…well, because I’m a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, and I haven’t had anything to cheer about in almost 20 years.   So look, maybe the Phillies have won a World Series and been in a couple more, made the playoffs and played over .500 while the Pirates have mostly sucked.  But at least Pirates fans don’t intentionally vomit on pre-teen girls at a game with their Dad.  I say “intentionally” because look—–after a few Iron City Beers and a sandwich with fries and cole slaw ON the sandwich instead of on the side, anything can happen—-but it would be an accident.

* I’m not sure why we say this website is intended for those 18 and over.  I have a five year old and when he starts to read, I’m sure he’d love to visit TSD online.  This is wholesome sports parody, not unlike the Pittsburgh Pirates’ on-  field ressurection of Tatum O’Neal’s “Bad News Bears.”

* Bold Prediction:  Soon to be free agent Lebron James will unite with Michael Jordon in Charlotte.  Now that previous owner Robert Johnson has sold to Jordan and company, there’s no reason to keep the nickname “Bobcats” which was a tip of the hat to Bob Johnson.  Instead, they can be renamed the Charlotte Jays (Jordan, James) and their logo will be a jaybird.  With Larry Brown at the helm and Lebron James shooting up a storm, Jordan will win an NBA Championship as an owner. 

* Bold Prediction II.:  Lindsay Lohan will find the Lord, swear off drugs and alcohol and star in a weekly variety show that will be a tribute to the old Lawrence Welk Show.  Keep your eye on this one, I feel it in my bones.  By the way, say what you will about this girl, but she is still quite hot.

* Rumor Mill:  Al Davis was not discouraged by Joe Gibbs’ failure to win a Super Bowl in his second tenure with the Redskins.  After all, Gibbs did take the Redskins to the playoffs twice, though he didn’t win the big one.   Thus, Al Davis is considering bringing back John Madden.  Guys, why else do you think Madden quit the announcing booth in his prime? 

* Rumor Mill Part II:  If the Arizona Cardinals falter early in the season, Buddy Ryan is coming back to complete some unfinished business.

Go On, Be A Tiger

* I’m hearing that my droning on about my favorite teams, who happen to be failing at the moment (read Pirates and Chiefs), is getting monotomous already.  People keep reading and people keep complaining.  But people do keep reading.  Anyway, apparently I’m supposed to weigh in on the Tiger Woods saga.  I guess the bitch hacks on MSNBC haven’t fed enough of this to all of you.  So I will.

Here is my Tiger angle:  He did make a mistake—and it was marriage.  Before everyone starts jumping up and down and spewing hate, hear me out:  Marriage isn’t for everyone.  For those who are ready for marriage, it really is the greatest feeling in the world to share your life with a soulmate.  But for those who aren’t ready—-they will be miserable, and they will make life miserable for others.  What the hell was going through Tiger Woods’ mind when he popped the question?  “Hmmm…let’s see..I’m in my 20′s, about to be a billionaire, am an idol to millions—and I just love looking every under rock and leaving no stone unturned in my relentless pursuit of strange.  New booty is my passion.  But, I guess I’ll get married.”  What?  This guy was and is a swinger.  We’re now hearing that he is a bigger Tiger in the romance department than on the golf course, if that’s even possible.  The template for all of this was written about 40 years ago, by one Joe Willie Namath.  Namath figured it all out:  Be a rich, desireable bachelor while you’re at the top of your game.  And let’s face it, Namath was his generation’s Tiger Woods.  Namath had all kinds of rich endorsement deals, from Hamilton Beach Popcorn Poppers and Hamburger Makers to panty hose and menswear.  The guy was wanted by every ad agency on Madison Avenue, even while he went through women like Frank Gifford goes through Ex-Lax.   Namath played the field—-football and otherwise—until he was about 40.  Then, he finally got married, to a younger woman.  Eventually, he divorced.  Then, he tried to turn back the clock by drinking his ass off and propositioning a sideline reporter during a nationally televised football game.  Vintage Namath.

Tiger could have had it all—-strippers, starlets, Hooters girls, librarians, lady cab drivers—you name it—-and he still could have had endorsements out the wazoo.  It was a matter of being true to himself and honest to the public.  Instead, he led a double life for some odd reason and now he’s viewed as a crooked snake—a sick cheater.  Well…maybe it’s not too late.  Maybe he needs to come out with a statement:  “I made a mistake.  I got married when I should have been chasing down Suzy Kolber just to show old man Namath how it’s done.  I’ve hurt a lot of people—PGA officials, the nice folks at Buick—probably even my soon to be ex-wife.  Hey, thank God for pre-nups, hah?  But I want all of you to know that I won’t be missing any tournaments.  I’m going to turn lemons into lemonade.  I’m going to now devote more time to my game—I’ll be an even better golfer than before, and I’ll be dating new chicks monthly, providing lots of good reading for Enquirer and Star readers.  I might even post some naughty stuff on my website.  Like Sarah Palin said, stay tuned.  Speaking of which, she ain’t half bad.  Wouldn’t mind hitting that.”

That type of candor from Woods would earn him the respect that this scandal has cost him.

Given the fact that the Philadelphia Phillies are repeating history with the recent signing of Roy Halladay (That history being when they traded Rick Wise for Steve Carlton), my black and gold Pirates blood is boiling.  The Phillies get even better, while the Pirates continue to flounder.  I now bring you,

 My Recent Internet Thoughts About My Once Beloved Pittsburgh Pirates:

Dear Mr. Cuban:
I want you to buy the Pittsburgh Pirates.
I’m not alone. I’ll venture an educated guess that nearly every single baseball fan in Pittsburgh wants you to purchase the Pirates and restore them to greatness. It’s a natural fit—-your roots are in the ‘burgh, and while you’ve gone on to “be the world” you know in your heart that for you, all roads lead back to Pittsburgh, through the turnpike.

I’ve heard that you’ve dabbled with the idea of buying the Cubs or the Dodgers. There’s no fun in doing that—there’s not enough of a challenge. We (Pirates faithful) know that you have what it takes to totally revitalize the Pirates—and in turn, the city in general. And by saying you “have what it takes” it’s not even your wealth I’m referring to…it’s the fact that losing drives you nuts. Failing drives you nuts. Let’s face it, you’re nuts—and you turn that lunacy into a positive, by fighting like crazy to succeed in all that you do. For crying out loud, you got Dallas, Texas interested in professional basketball. What? How the heck did you do that? I’ll answer my own question: You showed up at the arena and were the biggest, craziest fan there. If you could somehow replicate this at PNC Park, and sure, if you’d throw a few dollars at a few good players, suddenly the Pirates fortunes could start to turn around after almost 20 years. There are college graduates born and raised in Pittsburgh who can’t remember a time when the Pirates weren’t a cellar dwelling sub .500 (mostly 90+ loss) team. This is tragic. The tradition of Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell, Kent Tekulve and other great stars has been trashed. Younger people now only know the Pirates as a laughingstock.

Mr. Cuban, it’s time for you to make a triumphant return to the Steel City. It’s time for you to be a hero to the few Pirates fans who are left—-and it’s time for you to build a new generation of Pirates fans as only you are in a position to do.
Respectfully,
Angelo Vecchio
The Sportsmans Daily

* As a Kansas City Chiefs fan, I can’t catch a break. First, Larry Johnson utters the “F” word (no, not that “F” word…he Twittered the one that refers to gay people in a negative slang term). Anyway, that slur, together with questioning Head Coach Todd Haley’s credentials (“Dude played golf in college, not grid iron.”), essentially finished LJ’s run with the Chiefs—-leaving him 75 yards short of Priest Holmes’ record for all time rushing yardage by a Chief. Based on Johnson’s 2.7 yards per carry this year, he would have broken the Priest’s record with just 28 more carries. Now he moves onto the Bengals, where he’ll probably move from 4th on the dept chart to first—and eventually break Emmit Smith’s NFL rushing record. At least that’s how I feel as a Chiefs fan.

* Next up: Duane Bowe, the Chiefs “Bright Spot” wide-out, was suspended by the NFL for four games (that’s 1/4 of the regular season, and all the Chiefs get these days is a regular season). This, because the league determined that Bowe used “performance enhancing” substances. Granted, Bowe is big and strong, and manages to get open. But the man has brick hands. I’ve seen him drop more passes than an in prime Morgan Fairchild. So unless this dude can find a substance that helps him catch the damn football, he needs to stop taking the Flintstones Chewables long enough to pass the next NFL random test.

* I am suffering. My favorite baseball team is the Pittsburgh Pirates. My favorite football team in the Chiefs. I like the NBA’s Bobcats. I haven’t been winning much lately. I want to get back to my glory days. The last time the Chiefs were in a Super Bowl was 1970. The Pirates were in the World Series 1971 and 1979. I’m feeling like the only way to reconcile my sports spirit is to somehow transport myself back in time. Thus:

* I bought a replica of my first car—-a 1979 Chevrolet Monza. The “new” one is the same color and same basic style as my original Monza. When I drive the car, I feel like I’m 16 1/2 again. In fact, I got my first Monza right around the time the Pirates won the ’79 series. So I’m making a conscious effort to drive this car and get back to a time when the teams I liked were actually good.

* Has everyone heard that the Pirates are letting Dave Cash go to the Phillies? The Pirates now plan to start Rennie Stennett as their new second baseman. I hope this works out for the Pirates. Stennett is a good contact hitter, but Cash was a very proven performer, while Stennett still has to show what he can do.

* Meanwhile, Mike Livingston is pushing Dawson to become the Chiefs starting QB. I don’t know if I like this. Dawson led this team to two Super Bowls and beat the Vikings in one of them. Livingston strikes me as a good back-up, but I don’t know if he’s starter material. Hopefully the Chiefs draft pick, David Jaynes, will develop into a great NFL QB. Jaynes, from Kansas U., can flat out play. Maybe Livingston will just be a transition into future star David Jaynes.

* WNBA: Wouldn’t it be great if someday, the NBA would pour all of their hard earned profits into a women’s league? They could call it something like the FNBA (Female National Basketball Association) or WNBA (Women’s National Basketball Association) or LNBA (Ladies) or whatever. If they ever do that, I promise to write about it here.

* I escaped to Disney World! I’m away from them, I’m away from them!  The reason I haven’t posted lately is because I was carjacked and kidnapped by two scary looking guys  who  had me in the trunk of my own car.  I used my cell phone to leave pleas for help—the police investigated and now I’m in some sort of trouble because I was seen on camera going through Airport Security in Philadelphia,  then seen again boarding Space Mountain at Disney. 

Look, I can explain everything.  They’re saying one of my reports stated that the car was wrecked druing the carjacking, but it was found near the Airport, unscratched.  Haven’t these investigators heard of Maaco’s super fast service?  Obviously, one of the guys had the car fixed in record time. When they hit me on the head, I forgot who I was—I thought it was 1991 and I thought I was Super Bowl MVP O.J. Anderson—going to Disney World.   That explains why I left the northeast and headed south.  Now, while I’m being held for observation and with charges pending, I’ll have some time to get back to blogging here.

* Things in my sports world have been sort of lousy lately.  As the Pittsburgh Pirates “look forward” to a professional team sports record setting 17th consecutive losing season, here is a recap of some of my favorite teams: (more…)

* Rumor has it that Air Bud Selig, MLB Commish, is contemplating rewriting the record books with an eye toward accounting for the steroids era.  This might be the first good idea this schmuck has had since becoming the hybrid Owner-Commissioner, the first such position in professional sports.  Anyway, I think it’s only fair to someone like Henry Aaron,  to gently (or not so gently) point out that he accomplished his statistics with Wheaties and hard work while the 1990′s players did it by eating steroids like kids eat Skittles. (more…)

* If Bud Selig were the NFL Commissioner, my prediction for the Super Bowl would be for a 27-27 tie.   But alas, Air Bud isn’t the NFL Commish, so I’ll adjust my prediction—-let’s go with the Steelers, 30-27.  I know, I know, I’m shooting for the moon—-we had a great Super Bowl game last year, so what are the chances that we’ll have another cliffhanger?  Actually, I expect a close game in the first half, a big Steelers 3′rd Quarter—and then a couple meaningless scores by the Cardinals late in the game to make it look close.  But it’s a good situation for me:  I’m PICKING the Steelers, so if they win, I look smart.  But I’m HOPING for the Cardinals to win (nothing against the Steelers—I actually like them a lot, and respect the job Mike Tomlin has done, but would just like to see a new team win for a change—and Bill Bidwell is such a big, cuddly teddy bear too) .  So anyway, I’ll be happy with the outcome no matter what. (more…)

* Some things transcend sports. Some things aren’t subject to a good parody.  I was all set to get my keyboard smoking with a new Scrum entry—-a few juicy topics. They’ll have to wait. Ricardo Montalban died. He was 88. It needs no explanation. If you know who he is, you’ll agree with me that next week’s Presidential Inauguration should be postponed as we mourn. If you don’t know the work of Ricardo Montalban, well, all I can say is I wish you did.

* TIME TO END THE BcS:  NCAA Division I College football needs a playoff system in the worst way.  I want this SCRUM entry to become the definitive plan for such a playoff.  Feel free to cut and paste, spread this around the internet and the world at large.  Just credit www.sportsmansdaily.com  for the idea.  And it’s a humdinger.  I have all bases covered.  Everybody wins, especially the fans. (more…)