Face It Big Fella. You never played for your favorite team and never will.

A Bit of Wordplay to Make a Point

BOCA RATON, FL (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) I used to be guilty of this. And now, much like a reformed smoker, I’m a stickler for pointing out to people the ills of taking credit and shifting blame.

Allow me to explain.

When my favorite team was on a winning streak, I was very fond of saying, “Man, we sure are playing great!”

WE. Not THEY. But WE. As in I have something to do with it.

Conversely, when my team was stinking it up, I was quick to yell “Man, do they ever suck!”

THEY. Not WE. But THEY. As in I have nothing to do with it. (more…)

* Philadelphia Phillies Spectator Admits To VOMIT ASSAULT:  April 14, 2010, Citizens Bank Park—Matthew Clemmens of Cherry Hill, New Jersey attended the Phillies/Washington Nationals Game and history was made.  Clemmens, apparently disturbed because one of his buddies was ejected from the park, stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on an off duty Easton, PA Police Captain Michael Vangelo and his 11 year old daughter.  Clemmens plead guilty to one count each of simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment for his conduct.   I bring this up because…well, because I’m a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, and I haven’t had anything to cheer about in almost 20 years.   So look, maybe the Phillies have won a World Series and been in a couple more, made the playoffs and played over .500 while the Pirates have mostly sucked.  But at least Pirates fans don’t intentionally vomit on pre-teen girls at a game with their Dad.  I say “intentionally” because look—–after a few Iron City Beers and a sandwich with fries and cole slaw ON the sandwich instead of on the side, anything can happen—-but it would be an accident.

* I’m not sure why we say this website is intended for those 18 and over.  I have a five year old and when he starts to read, I’m sure he’d love to visit TSD online.  This is wholesome sports parody, not unlike the Pittsburgh Pirates’ on-  field ressurection of Tatum O’Neal’s “Bad News Bears.”

* Bold Prediction:  Soon to be free agent Lebron James will unite with Michael Jordon in Charlotte.  Now that previous owner Robert Johnson has sold to Jordan and company, there’s no reason to keep the nickname “Bobcats” which was a tip of the hat to Bob Johnson.  Instead, they can be renamed the Charlotte Jays (Jordan, James) and their logo will be a jaybird.  With Larry Brown at the helm and Lebron James shooting up a storm, Jordan will win an NBA Championship as an owner. 

* Bold Prediction II.:  Lindsay Lohan will find the Lord, swear off drugs and alcohol and star in a weekly variety show that will be a tribute to the old Lawrence Welk Show.  Keep your eye on this one, I feel it in my bones.  By the way, say what you will about this girl, but she is still quite hot.

* Rumor Mill:  Al Davis was not discouraged by Joe Gibbs’ failure to win a Super Bowl in his second tenure with the Redskins.  After all, Gibbs did take the Redskins to the playoffs twice, though he didn’t win the big one.   Thus, Al Davis is considering bringing back John Madden.  Guys, why else do you think Madden quit the announcing booth in his prime? 

* Rumor Mill Part II:  If the Arizona Cardinals falter early in the season, Buddy Ryan is coming back to complete some unfinished business.

Stunning Bunt! Arnie Testa settles in for his favorite porn show, but gets the surprise of his life courtesy of a former Mets and Braves second baseman.

RENO, NV. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arnie Testa loves watching pornography. Testa, who works in a travel agency in Reno, Nevada is just one of the thousands of cable subscribers in the area who have added the Load Channel, a sexually explicit pornographic station available on Liberty Cable’s Deluxe Package.

But viewers of the 24 hour triple X rated channel’s highly watched 9 pm show, Boner Barn were unexpectedly presented with something they found shocking. Thirteen minutes into the program, the cable feed suddenly switched to a youth baseball hitting clinic teaching kids about proper bunting techniques and sportsmanship. (more…)

Hate to eat and sun. But… Little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixins.

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time.  And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen. (more…)

Two evil heads are better than one. The Cavaracchi Twins, Timmy and Tommy, are using their telekinetic gifts to freak out a Maryland town.

POTOMAC, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Identical twins are terrifying the Washington D.C. suburb of Potomac, Maryland. Not by committing crimes or even making any threats, but by accomplishing something that until now, seemed impossible. Timmy and Tommy Cavaracchi, senior forwards at Winston Churchill High School who both stand 6’4’’, have exactly the same stats in every single category – points, rebounds, steals, and assists. (more…)

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles' microwave episode in TSD's lunchroom.

BOCA RATON, FL (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut with an unintelligible, yet hilarious article today, was reprimanded by TSD management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after the article was published.   (more…)

Go On, Be A Tiger

* I’m hearing that my droning on about my favorite teams, who happen to be failing at the moment (read Pirates and Chiefs), is getting monotomous already.  People keep reading and people keep complaining.  But people do keep reading.  Anyway, apparently I’m supposed to weigh in on the Tiger Woods saga.  I guess the bitch hacks on MSNBC haven’t fed enough of this to all of you.  So I will.

Here is my Tiger angle:  He did make a mistake—and it was marriage.  Before everyone starts jumping up and down and spewing hate, hear me out:  Marriage isn’t for everyone.  For those who are ready for marriage, it really is the greatest feeling in the world to share your life with a soulmate.  But for those who aren’t ready—-they will be miserable, and they will make life miserable for others.  What the hell was going through Tiger Woods’ mind when he popped the question?  “Hmmm…let’s see..I’m in my 20′s, about to be a billionaire, am an idol to millions—and I just love looking every under rock and leaving no stone unturned in my relentless pursuit of strange.  New booty is my passion.  But, I guess I’ll get married.”  What?  This guy was and is a swinger.  We’re now hearing that he is a bigger Tiger in the romance department than on the golf course, if that’s even possible.  The template for all of this was written about 40 years ago, by one Joe Willie Namath.  Namath figured it all out:  Be a rich, desireable bachelor while you’re at the top of your game.  And let’s face it, Namath was his generation’s Tiger Woods.  Namath had all kinds of rich endorsement deals, from Hamilton Beach Popcorn Poppers and Hamburger Makers to panty hose and menswear.  The guy was wanted by every ad agency on Madison Avenue, even while he went through women like Frank Gifford goes through Ex-Lax.   Namath played the field—-football and otherwise—until he was about 40.  Then, he finally got married, to a younger woman.  Eventually, he divorced.  Then, he tried to turn back the clock by drinking his ass off and propositioning a sideline reporter during a nationally televised football game.  Vintage Namath.

Tiger could have had it all—-strippers, starlets, Hooters girls, librarians, lady cab drivers—you name it—-and he still could have had endorsements out the wazoo.  It was a matter of being true to himself and honest to the public.  Instead, he led a double life for some odd reason and now he’s viewed as a crooked snake—a sick cheater.  Well…maybe it’s not too late.  Maybe he needs to come out with a statement:  “I made a mistake.  I got married when I should have been chasing down Suzy Kolber just to show old man Namath how it’s done.  I’ve hurt a lot of people—PGA officials, the nice folks at Buick—probably even my soon to be ex-wife.  Hey, thank God for pre-nups, hah?  But I want all of you to know that I won’t be missing any tournaments.  I’m going to turn lemons into lemonade.  I’m going to now devote more time to my game—I’ll be an even better golfer than before, and I’ll be dating new chicks monthly, providing lots of good reading for Enquirer and Star readers.  I might even post some naughty stuff on my website.  Like Sarah Palin said, stay tuned.  Speaking of which, she ain’t half bad.  Wouldn’t mind hitting that.”

That type of candor from Woods would earn him the respect that this scandal has cost him.

Given the fact that the Philadelphia Phillies are repeating history with the recent signing of Roy Halladay (That history being when they traded Rick Wise for Steve Carlton), my black and gold Pirates blood is boiling.  The Phillies get even better, while the Pirates continue to flounder.  I now bring you,

 My Recent Internet Thoughts About My Once Beloved Pittsburgh Pirates:

Dear Mr. Cuban:
I want you to buy the Pittsburgh Pirates.
I’m not alone. I’ll venture an educated guess that nearly every single baseball fan in Pittsburgh wants you to purchase the Pirates and restore them to greatness. It’s a natural fit—-your roots are in the ‘burgh, and while you’ve gone on to “be the world” you know in your heart that for you, all roads lead back to Pittsburgh, through the turnpike.

I’ve heard that you’ve dabbled with the idea of buying the Cubs or the Dodgers. There’s no fun in doing that—there’s not enough of a challenge. We (Pirates faithful) know that you have what it takes to totally revitalize the Pirates—and in turn, the city in general. And by saying you “have what it takes” it’s not even your wealth I’m referring to…it’s the fact that losing drives you nuts. Failing drives you nuts. Let’s face it, you’re nuts—and you turn that lunacy into a positive, by fighting like crazy to succeed in all that you do. For crying out loud, you got Dallas, Texas interested in professional basketball. What? How the heck did you do that? I’ll answer my own question: You showed up at the arena and were the biggest, craziest fan there. If you could somehow replicate this at PNC Park, and sure, if you’d throw a few dollars at a few good players, suddenly the Pirates fortunes could start to turn around after almost 20 years. There are college graduates born and raised in Pittsburgh who can’t remember a time when the Pirates weren’t a cellar dwelling sub .500 (mostly 90+ loss) team. This is tragic. The tradition of Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell, Kent Tekulve and other great stars has been trashed. Younger people now only know the Pirates as a laughingstock.

Mr. Cuban, it’s time for you to make a triumphant return to the Steel City. It’s time for you to be a hero to the few Pirates fans who are left—-and it’s time for you to build a new generation of Pirates fans as only you are in a position to do.
Respectfully,
Angelo Vecchio
The Sportsmans Daily

* As a Kansas City Chiefs fan, I can’t catch a break. First, Larry Johnson utters the “F” word (no, not that “F” word…he Twittered the one that refers to gay people in a negative slang term). Anyway, that slur, together with questioning Head Coach Todd Haley’s credentials (“Dude played golf in college, not grid iron.”), essentially finished LJ’s run with the Chiefs—-leaving him 75 yards short of Priest Holmes’ record for all time rushing yardage by a Chief. Based on Johnson’s 2.7 yards per carry this year, he would have broken the Priest’s record with just 28 more carries. Now he moves onto the Bengals, where he’ll probably move from 4th on the dept chart to first—and eventually break Emmit Smith’s NFL rushing record. At least that’s how I feel as a Chiefs fan.

* Next up: Duane Bowe, the Chiefs “Bright Spot” wide-out, was suspended by the NFL for four games (that’s 1/4 of the regular season, and all the Chiefs get these days is a regular season). This, because the league determined that Bowe used “performance enhancing” substances. Granted, Bowe is big and strong, and manages to get open. But the man has brick hands. I’ve seen him drop more passes than an in prime Morgan Fairchild. So unless this dude can find a substance that helps him catch the damn football, he needs to stop taking the Flintstones Chewables long enough to pass the next NFL random test.

* I am suffering. My favorite baseball team is the Pittsburgh Pirates. My favorite football team in the Chiefs. I like the NBA’s Bobcats. I haven’t been winning much lately. I want to get back to my glory days. The last time the Chiefs were in a Super Bowl was 1970. The Pirates were in the World Series 1971 and 1979. I’m feeling like the only way to reconcile my sports spirit is to somehow transport myself back in time. Thus:

* I bought a replica of my first car—-a 1979 Chevrolet Monza. The “new” one is the same color and same basic style as my original Monza. When I drive the car, I feel like I’m 16 1/2 again. In fact, I got my first Monza right around the time the Pirates won the ’79 series. So I’m making a conscious effort to drive this car and get back to a time when the teams I liked were actually good.

* Has everyone heard that the Pirates are letting Dave Cash go to the Phillies? The Pirates now plan to start Rennie Stennett as their new second baseman. I hope this works out for the Pirates. Stennett is a good contact hitter, but Cash was a very proven performer, while Stennett still has to show what he can do.

* Meanwhile, Mike Livingston is pushing Dawson to become the Chiefs starting QB. I don’t know if I like this. Dawson led this team to two Super Bowls and beat the Vikings in one of them. Livingston strikes me as a good back-up, but I don’t know if he’s starter material. Hopefully the Chiefs draft pick, David Jaynes, will develop into a great NFL QB. Jaynes, from Kansas U., can flat out play. Maybe Livingston will just be a transition into future star David Jaynes.

* WNBA: Wouldn’t it be great if someday, the NBA would pour all of their hard earned profits into a women’s league? They could call it something like the FNBA (Female National Basketball Association) or WNBA (Women’s National Basketball Association) or LNBA (Ladies) or whatever. If they ever do that, I promise to write about it here.

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb injures ribs in season opener. First week of NFL season exacts heavy toll on fans and players alike.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties – most notably the rib injury to  Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb – viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains. (more…)