Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Sports Satire Site Ceases Operations Until Nation Re-Embraces Facts and Has Better Grasp of Line Between Fake and Real News

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

The Sportsman’s Daily ends 10 year run as the go-to site for breaking sports satire

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Totally Faked Up. The blurry line of reality and bullshit spells doom.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) This year marked the tenth year anniversary of the Sportsman’s Daily, the place for palpably fake sports news. The founders of the site called it satire, as its mission was to reveal and ridicule the absurdity of prominent sports figures (and their mindless fans/apologists) making fools of themselves on the regular. While the majority of the stories appearing there had some — some — grounding in reality, the lines were often blurred — an inescapable byproduct of any satirical endeavor, which did cause occasional confusion, sometimes even anger when a reader would realize he or she’d been had, bamboozled, suckered, made to feel foolish, incompetent and/or stupid. Such are the unintended consequences of satire, though there are no cases on record of anyone storming a pizzeria because they misread a TSD story on Mike Piazza, or citizens rising up to counter stories mercilessly ripping entire cities for their sorry histories of sports ineptitude. (more…)


Professional Wrestler Suspended for Using Foreigner Instead of Foreign Object in the Ring

Friday, December 16th, 2016
You Wanna Complain? Arnold "The Chronic Complainer" Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

You Wanna Complain? Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

OMAHA, NE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz, a star wrestler in the fledgling Heartland Professional Wrestling Association (HPWA) was suspended for violating league rules last weekend by using a foreign object in his match against the Gargler. It was later discovered that the foreign object was actually a foreigner named Stavros Plakokefalos of Korinthos, Greece who was visiting his brother, Dimitrios, owner of the Olympia Diner on Omaha’s south side. (more…)


Happy Thanksgiving! TSD Back on Monday, November 28

Friday, November 25th, 2016

We sincerely hope you have a safe and enjoyable Thanksgiving holiday. Remember the Four F’s…Family, Friends, Food, and Football.

Happy Thanksgiving from your friends at The Sportsman’s Daily!

 

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From the Archives: LeBron James Admits He Enjoys Speeding Through School Zones Just Because He’s LeBron James

Thursday, November 17th, 2016
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School Daze. LBJ just havin’ fun.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before traveling westward for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James got in a little “me” time.  He enjoyed a thrilled-packed afternoon of illegal fireworks displays near a nursing home, and driving recklessly at high rates of speed through school zones.

“Just blowin’ off a little steam,” the All-Star forward chimed. “Some people like to listen to some jams, others toss back a cold one, or spark up a big ass fatty. LBJ likes to endanger the innocent with indiscriminant hi jinx just because I’m LBJ, dig?” (more…)


From Litly to Bigly: The Day President Elect Trump Managed Son’s Little League Team

Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
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Trump on the Bump. Barron to show his stuff.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As much of a hands-on mom Melania is, her husband likes to get in plenty of quality time with their son Barron, too. Barron totally looks up to his father — so much so that Melania’s nickname for Barron is “Little Donald.” In that same interview, she went on to say that when Barron was 5 years old, “he wanted to be like daddy: a businessman and golfer.” But it seems as though Donald’s influence on Barron started even younger, as a former Trump butler Tony Senecal told Inside Edition, “When Barron was two-and-a-half years old I took his breakfast into him. He was sitting in his highchair and he looks at me and he said: ‘Tony! Sit down! We need to talk!'” Donald is equally as fond of his son, calling Barron a “fantastic young boy” in an interview with E! News last year. (more…)


TSD Back on Monday, November 7

Monday, October 31st, 2016

imagesHi All,

The Sportsman’s Daily will be away for a short bit for some maintenance and repairs. We’ll see you on November 7.

Thank you,

The Staff


Swimming: Trump Claims He’ll Fill White House Pool With the Tears of Business Rivals

Monday, July 18th, 2016
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The Cool Pool. Trump plans to bust out some Olympian heroics in the famed White House swimming hole.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald J. Trump, says he plans on making “many, many great changes” upon taking up residence at America’s most famous address, should he win the 2016 race to the White House. (more…)


Happy 4th!!

Friday, July 1st, 2016

Hi Everyone,

We wanted to wish you a safe and happy 4th of July weekend. We’ll be back on Tuesday, July 5.

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TSD Will Be Back on Monday, 6.6.16

Tuesday, May 31st, 2016

Unknown-2Hi Fans,

The Sportsman’s Daily will return with more exciting satire on Monday, June 6th, 2016. Until then, we’ll let the games display their own brand of comedy as they’re sure to organically produce some out and out laughter, stupidity, and incomprehensible nonsense.

Best,

TSD Management


World Champ Magnus Carlsen Suffers Career Threatening Chess Injury

Friday, April 29th, 2016
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One Hot Chess Mess. Magnus Carlsen has a long road back.

OSLO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Two minutes and thirty-four seconds into his exhibition match with the world’s 3rd ranked player, Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, the reigning world chess champion, Sven Magnus Øen Carlsen of Norway, tore several tendons while utilizing the famed La Boursonnais Maneuver. Initially, he played through the injury, but it was evident when he tried castling, something had gone horribly amiss.

“He let out a loud grunt, at first thought to be some sort of rarely employed Scandinavian gamesmanship, but it became obvious he was in excruciating pain.” said Salvatore “The Wrench” Brutico, Italy’s top ranked player.  (more…)


Trump to Throw Out First One Hundred Immigrants at Nationals’ Home Opener

Friday, March 18th, 2016
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Trump on the Bump. The Donald will start tossing out the “questionables” before game time.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump announced he be giving the old “heave ho” to the first one hundred immigrants who enter Nationals Park on Thursday, April 7 when the Washington Nationals host the Miami Marlins for a scheduled 4:05 start. (more…)


From the Archives: Imagine if the Academy Awarded Oscars Based on First Half Performance

Monday, February 29th, 2016

 

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Oscar de la Rental. Seems like that sometimes as several stars win, then disappear.

Take “No Country for Old Men,” the 2008 winner for Best Picture. Great opening,  lots of tension, the Bardem-Brolin cat and mouse keeps you on the edge of your seat until the air is let out in the meandering final scene.

Now, for my money, the first forty five minutes of “There Will Be Blood” is superior, it grabs hold and doesn’t let go.  If I’m a member of the Academy and basing my vote on the first half, I’m giving the nod to “Blood,” though by the time the final credits roll, it’s clear to me that “No Country” is the superior film.

Does selecting All-Stars based on their first half performance make any more sense? Don’t you need to wait till the film ends before determining its value?   (more…)