Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Identical Twins Freak Out High School Basketball Conference by Posting Identical Stats

Monday, January 4th, 2016

Two evil heads are better than one. The Cavaracchi Twins, Timmy and Tommy, are using their telekinetic gifts to freak out a Maryland town.

POTOMAC, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Identical twins are terrifying the Washington D.C. suburb of Potomac, Maryland. Not by committing crimes or even making any threats, but by accomplishing something that until now, seemed impossible. Timmy and Tommy Cavaracchi, senior forwards at Winston Churchill High School who both stand 6’4’’, have exactly the same stats in every single category – points, rebounds, steals, and assists. (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily’s Hall of Records Keeper Found Face Down in Pool of Own Vomit

Wednesday, November 11th, 2015

 

He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” (more…)


200 Million Men Momentarily Glance at Football Game as Wings and Beer Season Starts

Monday, September 14th, 2015
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Wing Tips: Just keep eatin’. They go well with beer and something called “football.”

ANYWHERE, UNITED STATES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) There was a small preview of things to come last Thursday night, but Sunday marked the beginning of Wings and Beer season across the United States.

At least two hundred million men throughout the country partook in the traditional launch of the four month long season which has been known to have a distant affiliation with college and professional football.

(more…)


FEATURE: Curse of Sophie Continues to Hang Over Miami Marlins After Seven Years

Monday, August 31st, 2015

By Allison Testrake

 

 

 

 

MIAMI (Special to TSD) Though no one in the Miami Marlins organization will officially or freely admit it, the Curse of Sophie has been haunting the ball club for five years. There have of course been supposed curses on baseball teams in the past like the Curse of the Bambino on the Boston Red Sox and the Curse of Billy Penn on the Philadelphia Phillies. Both of those curses have been lifted over the past few years as both ball clubs have won championships. The Billy Goat Curse that sits like a dark cloud over the Chicago Cubs continues to this day, as the Northsiders haven’t played in a World Series since 1945, and haven’t won one since 1908.

Conversely, the Curse of Sophie is relatively new, but apparently packs a powerful wallop. Personally, I’m not much into curses, but this one admittedly has an intriguing backstory. (more…)


Philadelphia Phillies Mathematically Eliminated From 2015 Pennant Race

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015
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Free Fallin’. Phillies fan, Herb Lowry, 52, of Paoli, PA goes over Niagara Falls after contemplating his team’s chances in ’15.

PHILADELPHIA (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – It began before spring training. The pessimism ran rampant not only among fans of the Phildelphia Phillies, but the players themselves. Ryan Howard, the slugging first baseman for the Phils, sat at home and text messaged other members of the team telling them “feel free to show up to camp out of shape, it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“We really blow monkey balls,” said left fielder Ben Revere. “Have you checked out our rotation? After Cole (Hamels), you ever heard of any of these guys? Peter “Fucking” Gammons hasn’t heard of any of these guys. We may has well put a guy named Rffebtrlysolkysng W. Mfthsrzxdrgbbtaw on the mound, because its no more confusing than who’s on the roster now.” (more…)


Local Man Has No Alternative But to Spend Time With Family During First Football-less Weekend

Monday, February 9th, 2015

 

 

Now What? Stanley Hotko teeming with uncertainty.

 

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Stanley Hotko, 44, woke up Monday morning to the startling realization there will be no professional football of any kind to be viewed on his 52” widescreen this coming weekend. Due to heavy snow, school was cancelled Monday. The Larksville, Pennsylvania man struggled throughout a pancakes and sausage breakfast at local eatery Ollie’s® barely making eye contact with his wife Doreen (Polachek) 42, daughter Kaitlyn, 17, son Bradley, 14, and son, Conner, 9. Fortunately, Hotko enjoyed a respite from the overwhelming awkwardness as both Kaitlyn and Bradley were engaged in marathon texting sessions with friends, Alyssa Murdoch and Tyler Slavish, respectively.

Hotko tried to interact with his youngest child, screwing up the courage only after his second cup of coffee and a moment to steal away to the parking lot for a cigarette.  Upon returning to the booth, the elder Hotko managed to murmur a cursory “how’s school?” “OK,” came young Conner’s response. Almost immediately, Hotko said to his family, “let’s go.” (more…)


In Huge Payroll Cutting Effort, Phillies Outsource Entire Team to India

Tuesday, January 27th, 2015
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Watch That Baby, Outta Here!!! Badal Agarwal taking extra BP after learning he’s the Phillies new first baseman.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Badal Agarwal, Laksh Jayaraman, and Haaroon Kapur are just some of the new stars Philadelphia Phillies fans are going to have to embrace when the ball club announced today it was scrapping the entire high priced payroll of older stars and starting anew.

The team told a stunned throng of media that the entire roster would be outsourced to New Delhi at a fraction of the cost.

“We’re literally saving millions and millions.”  said new General Manager, Ekaaksha Ganesh, who replaced the wildly unpopular, Ruben Amaro Jr. “Granted, most of our fellows have only played cricket, but they’re good athletes and I expect them to make the transition in time for Opening Day.”

Though there’s reason for optimism, not everyone is thrilled with the team’s new direction.  Others see it as bad for baseball and the wrong message to send U.S. workers. (more…)


FOX Debuts Digital Yellow Line at Cowboys Games to Indicate Where Total Douches Play

Monday, January 5th, 2015
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Is It Malice in Dallas? Most say “no.”

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As controversy swirled around the Dallas Cowboys’ 24-20 victory over the Detroit Lions on Sunday, FOX Sports was up to a little shenanigans of their own. Science and sports have become one in this age of digital technology, and yesterday the network unveiled their new DigiDouche Line, similar to the virtual yellow first down line on the field, which has become quite popular with fans. (more…)


Happy Holidays from All of Us at TSD

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

Winter-Scene-Painting-ArtTo Our Readers,

Thank you for a fantastic 2014.

We’re looking forward to a spectacular 2015 with even more merriment, mayhem, and mirth, as well as a mountain of completely inappropriate content that you like sharing at the office, which you secretly hope your boss finds on your computer, because deep down you really want to get fired, but not before telling the old prick to suck it for a long, long time.

Happy Holidays to All!

The Sportsman’s Daily will return on Monday, January 5, 2015.

 

Best Wishes,

The TSD Staff


Mo’ne Davis Receives Lifetime Achievement Award; Named President of Pennsylvania

Tuesday, November 18th, 2014
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You Are So Mo’ne! Davis continues to pile up the hardware.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a year few people in the spotlight would ever hope to attain, Little League wonder, Mo’ne Davis added another achievement to her long list of accomplishments. The thirteen year old pitcher, who appeared in this year’s Little League World Series, received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Baseball Writer’s Association of America. (more…)


Old Greek Guy Vows to Cite One Sports Contribution Greece has Made since Ancient Olympics

Wednesday, October 15th, 2014

A Greek Shall Inherit the Earth; At least according to this guy.

ATHENS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s a clear case of ‘what have you done for me lately?’ And the Greeks are hearing about it. After creating the original Olympic Games in approximately 776 B.C., most Greeks admit they’ve rested on their laurels ever since; at least in terms of contributing to the sports world. But Spyros Papadimitriou insists his country has indeed made a contribution.

“I know we came up with something,” the 84 year old Papadimitriou said through an interpreter to a small contingent of mostly British reporters. “I’ll have to get back to you on that. But I suspect the game may involve a ball and possibly some sheep.” (more…)


The Sportsman Goes Down in a Manner of Speaking (But We’re Back)

Monday, September 29th, 2014

Dear Readers,

Our apologies if you’ve been trying to access our website. It’s been down since Saturday afternoon. We’ve discovered the source of the problem, and have rectified the situation.

Apparently, a small mouse staked a claim in the server and refused to come out. We tried luring him out with a variety of cheeses including Gouda, Cheddar, and a lovely Fourme de Montibrison from the Auvergne region of France. No dice. Then we tried some peanut butter and a wrench.

It worked!

The crack writing staff has been called back into action after anlaughman unexpected long weekend (with pay) and the satirization will resume tomorrow.

Thanks,
The Management