Archive for the ‘Motor Sports’ Category

Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo

Tuesday, December 13th, 2016

 

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

 

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The fifty-three year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.”

When told most NASCAR fans detest being thought of as racist, backwoods, trailer trash and are in fact affluent, educated and multi-cultural, Tompkins said he prefers to cling to tradition.

(more…)


Four Out of Five NASCAR Drivers Depend on DEPEND®

Thursday, April 14th, 2016

 

Official NASCAR waste retardant/leak inhibitor eliminates unnecessary pit stops.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —  Auto racing is a classic nature vs. machine contest in more ways than one. Indeed, one of the central mysteries of auto racing — one of its most guarded secrets — is how drivers answer the call of nature. Specifically, as they remain strapped in for miles and miles with intermittent pit stops for tire and oil changes, how do they manage to relieve themselves, as even the shortest trips to the head can cost the driver and his team precious seconds — time that can prove decisive when microseconds separate first from second place.

It turns out that adult diapers – or “adult absorption products” — are a staple of NASCAR. According to Bobby Ray Ellison, a senior member of Jeff Gordon’s pit crew, “You’re driving for several hours, lap after lap after lap, in a hot car, keeping yourself hydrated. You can hold it in for only so long. And what are you gonna do, take 30 seconds to hit the head when races are decided by milliseconds? Hell no. You’re gonna pee in your pants, which are specially equipped to absorb up to two quarts of urine.” (more…)


NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson to Have Truck Nuts Removed

Thursday, February 4th, 2016
Oh Nuts!  Looks like these puppies will get clipped next week.

Oh Nuts! Looks like these puppies will get clipped next week.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a procedure Hendrick Racing pit crew member Kyle Jenkins claims is “tricky,” NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson will have the truck nuts removed from his Dodge Ram. (more…)


Pharmacy Technician for CVS Insists He’s Sportscaster for CBS

Friday, January 22nd, 2016

CVS Presents. CVS Pharmacy Technician Tyler “Scooter” Post waits to see whether a Thorazine refill is recovered from aisle four before making the call.

VALPARAISO, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Tyler “Scooter” Post, a pharmacy technician at a local Valparaiso Indiana CVS Pharmacy has taken prescription dispensing to a new level. The 25 year old Post, who’s penchant for doing what he calls “play by play prescriptions” on the store’s PA system, has riled several customers who prefer to keep their health conditions private.

“Scooter’s certainly a colorful young man,” says Pharmacy Manager Alan Castle. “He’s wonderful behind the counter, and no one fills a bottle of cough syrup with as much aplomb as this kid, but for some reason he has an uncontrollable urge to snap into this sports announcer character who speaks mostly in the third person and goes really over the top when Mrs. (Bertha) Jenkins picks up her monthly supply of Cardizem.”

The delusional Post explained. “I’ve been working at CBS for 18 months now. I really enjoy it. The people here at the network are great. Admittedly, I’m kind of in an odd training period, with this whole prescription thing, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get on air. I’m young.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo

Tuesday, November 17th, 2015

Cletus Tompkins Spits His Chew and Says ‘Yup’ Constantly

 

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)– Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The forty-nine year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.” (more…)


TSD Classique: Daytona Speedway Complains of Noisy Neighbors at Nearby Trailer Park

Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

 

Takin’ Out the Trash. The Cousins family before things become unhinged.

DAYTONA BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Thousands of thrill seeking fans at Daytona International Speedway and the ground shaking roar of stock cars traveling at breakneck speeds certainly generates high decibels of sound; but apparently not enough to drown out the noisy shenanigans emanating from the Lucky Lad Trailer Park next door to the famed race track.

Tyler Meldau, spokesman for the track has had to call in the police on several occasions to quell the deafening noise, but so far the parties, domestic disputes, and drug deal crossfire continues. (more…)


A TSD Classique: NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson to Have Truck Nuts Removed

Monday, March 9th, 2015


Oh Nuts! Looks like these puppies will get clipped next week.

CHARLOTTE  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a procedure Hendrick Racing pit crew member Kyle Jenkins claims is “tricky,” NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson will have the truck nuts removed from his Dodge Ram.

The nuts underwent some minor repair in August, but unfortunately the condition deteriorated and service technicians have no choice now but to remove them. The racing team often assists Johnson with his personal truck, saying the nuts are a prized possession, but continuous hard driving and occasional rough terrain in the North Carolina mountains has taken it’s toll. (more…)


Amped Up Bieber Drives Onto Track at Daytona Speedway; Wins Invitational

Friday, January 24th, 2014
Justin Bieber Spends The Day With His Dad

Bieby, He’s Bold Outside. Justin Bieber seconds after winning at Daytona. “Let’s get some burgers yo!”

DAYTONA BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nineteen year old pop superstar and teenage deity, Justin Bieber, fresh off his arrest for his high speed hi jinx in South Beach, hopped in his rented yellow Lamborghini and trekked northbound to the legendary Daytona Speedway.

Reports indicate the Autotuned® sensation rolled down his window, screamed “fuck yeah!!!” and crashed through a chain link fence. He quickly found himself in the midst of a low level race called the St. Pauli Girl 100 Invitational.

“We’re quite frankly surprised the little asshole was able to win this thing.” said fellow racer, Dale Crowley Jr. “However, given the fact that he only entered the race on lap 88, makes his victory somewhat inadvertent.”  (more…)


Georgia Man Still Living NASCAR Cliché; Loves Fried Foods, Schlitz, and the Banjo

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

Cletus Tompkins Spits His Chew and Says ‘Yup’ Constantly

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The forty-nine year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.” (more…)


NASCAR Driver Rex Johnson Refuses to Drive on Jewish Holiday

Monday, August 24th, 2009

Where Rex Johnson will "pit" for the upcoming Sylvania 300.

Where Rex Johnson will "pit" for the duration of the upcoming Sylvania 300.

LOUDON, NH (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Rex Johnson stunned the NASCAR world when he announced that he will not be driving in the September 20th Sylvania 300 to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Having competed in 16 races this year and expected to drive the remaining events on the 2009 schedule, Johnson opted out of one of the year’s most anticipated races. (more…)


FROM THE VAULT: TSD Classic Story

Monday, April 27th, 2009

trk_ntz

A Delicate Surgical Procedure.  Jimmie Johnson says, “Oh Nuts!”