Archive for the ‘What’s Left?’ Category

Professional Wrestler Suspended for Using Foreigner Instead of Foreign Object in the Ring

Friday, December 16th, 2016
You Wanna Complain? Arnold "The Chronic Complainer" Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

You Wanna Complain? Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

OMAHA, NE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz, a star wrestler in the fledgling Heartland Professional Wrestling Association (HPWA) was suspended for violating league rules last weekend by using a foreign object in his match against the Gargler. It was later discovered that the foreign object was actually a foreigner named Stavros Plakokefalos of Korinthos, Greece who was visiting his brother, Dimitrios, owner of the Olympia Diner on Omaha’s south side. (more…)


Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

Friday, November 18th, 2016

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

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Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all. (more…)


Progressives Everywhere Rush to Stockpile Adjectives Before It’s Too Late

Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
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Chomsky at the Bit. Noam Chomsky has his concerns.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the wake of a stunning 2016 race to the White House that elected Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States, Progressives everywhere have gathered together stockpiling adjectives by the truckload.  Active verbs and the occasional gerund to hurl are also being culled en masse from undisclosed locations.  (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily’s Experiment with Outsourcing Satire Overseas Deemed Epic Failure

Monday, October 24th, 2016

 

Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

 

 

The Problem: Sports Humor Lost in Translation

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the cost of satire on the rise, The Sportsman’s Daily made a bold move last December by outsourcing a bulk of its satirical writing overseas.  The sense of excitement in the company’s main office soon turned to one of profound frustration.   (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


Two-Legged Modesto Man Disqualified from One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest

Friday, October 7th, 2016

 

 

Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.

SACRAMENTO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 12th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws. The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.

“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.” (more…)


Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

Tuesday, October 4th, 2016

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi, pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd. (more…)


Class Jock Plans for Empty, Uneventful Life Six Years Down the Road

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

 

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Jock Blocked. Most like nothing in store for pretty boy.

OIL CITY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oil City Senior High School’s Logan Van Horn, an all-star quarterback from last season, headed into his senior year with high expectations.

“The goal is to make the playoffs again.” said 5’9” pass thrower. “And for me to maintain a relationship with (head cheerleader) Colette Jansen. We’ve been going out since 9th grade.”

Van Horn, is generally regarded as an accurate passer with decent arm strength, but too small to play division one college football.

“What we’ve got here is the typical high school jock who’s enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame, local as it may be, and riding it for whatever it’s worth.” said Assistant Coach Glenn Connors. “You know how it goes. You peak early, then, not long after graduating, you’re stuck here driving a forklift down at the beer distributor after a failed attempt at a division three walk on. Then you marry Colleen or Corine or Colette, whatever the hell her name is, and rent an apartment on the north side of town and eat frozen dinners and watch reality TV all night. But until that day, I hope to see a lot of touchdowns from this kid.”  (more…)


Lockdown: Introducing TSD’s Sideline Reporter Ric “Word” Testaverde, Federal Inmate 18230-1113

Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

 

 

TSD’s “sideline” reporter, Ric Testaverde.

 

Ric “Word” Testaverde

First, a shout out to my boys over at the Daily. Taking a shot on an inmate ain’t no simple thing. I mean, anyone who been reading my shit for the past four years knows I got game. Of course if you’ve been reading my shit you’re doing time, unless you’re one of them fucked up cats that subscribe to prison rags – in which case you’re probably some fat, horny chick with a big ole ass hanging out of a thong who likes baking us them cakes that taste like burnt rubber and cotton balls. Big Sid over in Cell Block C, he sucks em down, me, I get one of them nasty ass things and I’m putting it under the pillow of some cat whose head I wanna see over a toilet bowl, puke pouring out like shit from a busted septic tank.

But I got to give the TSD dudes props – not just for giving me a shot, but hey, I’m out in three years and I’ll be looking for a steady gig. I been in five federal pens in the past eight years. The day I’m out first place I go is the Daily home office to thank the fellas and make a couple of calls. I got plans. (more…)


Full Tilt of NFL Action to Open Week One; Several Wives Inexplicably Vanish

Monday, September 12th, 2016
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Silence of the Lambs. NFL wife Lisa Lamb is missing.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Week One of the 2016 NFL season is under way. San Francisco 49ers fan, George Lamb and his friends are primed to enjoy a party replete with beer, wings, sausage and pizza for tonight’s Monday match up with the LA Rams. Lamb is trying to avoid what happened last year. Things seemed as normal as can be, but at the start of the second quarter on that opening night, George couldn’t find his wife of 8 years, Lisa.

(more…)


Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Access to Local Sports Legend

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2016
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Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests. (more…)


Former Tour de France Cyclist Actually Forgets How to Ride Bike

Monday, August 22nd, 2016

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou’s repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)

— It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all.

Refusing to give up, he got right back on but fell off again almost immediately. Bontecou was stunned. He had completely lost the reference point for balance and clumsily tossed the bike back into the garage, stormed inside his home and poured himself a briming goblet of Grand Cru Schlossberg St. Catherine Cuvee L’Inedit, Domaine Weinbach 2003 as a confused Claude cried on the crumbling steps of their 18th century chateau. (more…)