Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

The Problem: Sports Humor Lost in Translation

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the cost of satire on the rise, The Sportsman’s Daily made a bold move last December by outsourcing a bulk of its satirical writing overseas.  The sense of excitement in the company’s main office soon turned to one of profound frustration.   (more…)

He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” (more…)

2020 Visions. Scranton has it’s eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s eight years down the road, but it’s not too early for the International Olympic Committee to entertain serious considerations as to which city will host the 2020 Summer Games.

Among the more well known cities to throw their hats into the ring are Rome, Istanbul, Boston, Prague, Cape Town and Toronto.

Perhaps the most unlikely potential host city bidding for the games is Scranton, Pennsylvania.  When officials from Scranton attended a recent IOC event, members from Madrid, Tokyo, and Istanbul could be heard chuckling every time the Northeastern Pennsylvania city was mentioned.

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Stock in Hock. This kid’s hocker is still soaring.

SILVER SPRING, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On Tuesday and in the company of best friends, Mike Hebda and Steve Kern, thirteen year old Jerry Shimmelbush unleashed a loogie 13.2 feet, from the middle of Highland Drive, over a picket fence and onto the hood of Mrs. Lester’s Ford Focus.

“I really pulled that one up from my toes.” beamed Shemmelbush, the middle child of Carl and Anna Shimmelbush. “There was a significant amount of mucus in it to give it some body. I’d say 60% mucus and 40% saliva, with a few strands of blood for aesthetics.” (more…)

Play Zappa! It’s the 7th-inning stretch folks!

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Take Me Out to the Ball Game has been a seventh-inning stretch tradition for generations. Along with Happy Birthday, it is perhaps the most familiar sing-along most everyone know the words to.

But, like a nation grows weary of a stale scandal, this supposed time-tested tune is being replaced.

“Borrrring,” said 74 year old Stan Siricki. “Personally I feel just like every other self-respecting baseball fan does. Give us more Frank Zappa.” (more…)

The One. The Only. Harry Reems.

Why do we love the 70?s?  Was it the music? Was it the gas prices? Was it the movies? Well, it certainly wasn’t Nixon.

When the recently deceased Harry Reems starred opposite Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat, it started a trend. Yes, all of a sudden, porn became more sophisticated. But more importanlty, the male star’s mustache was now a bonafide fashion statement. Everyone from Burt Reynolds to Ken Norton had one.

But no one wore them better than baseball players. (more…)

Stunning Bunt! Arnie Testa settles in for his favorite porn show, but gets the surprise of his life courtesy of a former Mets and Braves second baseman.

RENO, NV. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arnie Testa loves watching pornography. Testa, who works in a travel agency in Reno, Nevada is just one of the thousands of cable subscribers in the area who have added the Load Channel, a sexually explicit pornographic station available on Liberty Cable’s Deluxe Package. (more…)

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. (more…)

No runs, warm Schlitz, big error. Little League Father of the Year, Derek Kern is sitting pretty outside Zeke’s Bar and Grille. Even if it means his son has to repress thoughts of being loathed.

FLORENCE, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — For Derek Kern, the decision was an easy one. In the Florence, South Carolina Little League annual draft, Kern selected his son Raymond first. The eleven year old Kern is a pitcher and first baseman for Carl’s Garage Dodgers. He was one of the top hitters on his team last season and area fans felt he was a lock to bat fourth on his dad’s team this upcoming season. Then Derek Kern stunned everyone with an unusual and highly controversial move. He traded Raymond to the rival Hoffer’s Diner A’s for a warm case of Schlitz beer. (more…)

Hate to eat and sun. But… little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixin's.

FORT LAUDERDALE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time.  And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen. (more…)

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou's repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all. (more…)

Chuckles With Fuckles. Lance Armstrong living the dream.

FT. WAYNE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced seven time Tour de France champion, Lance Armstrong, whose wins have been vacated, is reinventing himself. Appearing in the Martinoff Brothers Circus tour as Fuckles the Clown, Armstrong is delighting young and old alike with his bicycle riding exploits.

“We’re thrilled to have him aboard.” said Ringmaster, Xavier Prescott. “His abusive, expletive-laden rants, and drunken fits of rage are real show stoppers. I particularly enjoy when he splashes his bucket – not filled with confetti – but a highly corrosive compound of battery acid and zinc chloride in the faces of unsuspecting patrons in the front row.” (more…)