Archive for the ‘What’s Left?’ Category

Poker Player with Interminable Poker Face Dead After All

Friday, August 19th, 2016

Ace-hole? Not exactly. It wasn’t gamesmanship -it was death.

LAS VEGAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jethro “Dead Eye” Salinger lived up to his nickname on Tuesday night when opponents couldn’t get him to ante up.

“He just sort of stayed there, staring straight ahead, motionless,” said Jimmy “The Lion” Nicosia. “We thought it was just another element of his world renowned gamesmanship, but it went on too long, even for him. That’s when we realized he was dead.” (more…)

Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Rio Games; Represents Vatican City

Monday, August 8th, 2016

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Rio.

RIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He wasn’t able to arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.

“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female figure swimmers – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have gymnasts pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”

Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate scripture quoting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away. (more…)

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Fat Guy from Neighborhood Pool Goes on Michael Phelps Diet; Dies Next Day

Friday, August 5th, 2016


Marco – Polo. It’s the name children give a game of pool tag as well as the name of the guy who “supposedly” brought pasta to Italy. Arthur Venable celebrated Polo’s life by devouring two pounds spaghetti in one day – just as an appetizer – then swam in the 100 meter race at his local swimming pool.

RIDLEY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Arthur Venable didn’t miss a minute of Michael Phelps trek to Olympic history in 2008.  Like everyone else who watched, he was struck by the incredible accomplishments of the gold medal winning swimmer. Then, when Venable got word of Phelps’ 12,000 calorie-a-day diet, he initially balked at the idea. Then, this pat week he decided to adopt the carb and fat rich ingest-a-fest.

The 63 year old stock broker spent this past Wednesday following the Phelps diet to a tee. In the middle of the afternoon he decided to dive into the pool and swim a 100 meter freestyle race. It was the beginning of the end for Venable. (more…)

Facebook Gives Dozens of Former Classmates Surprisingly Easy Access to Local Sports Legend

Friday, July 22nd, 2016


Vintage photo of Ricky Davis (Number 7), local sports legend who uses Facebook to re-establish his dominance over former classmates.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ricky Davis was a legend.  At the age of eight he’d effortlessly scoop up grounders and in one fluid motion whistle the ball on a line to first.  He developed an unstoppable fade away at the age of 10 and  commanded a football field with the authority of quarterback great Y.A. Tittle.

If you were part of his charmed retinue, you were there to entertain, amuse and keep the unworthy at bay. To everyone else, he was a distant god: “Davis once called me an asshole in sixth grade study hall,” recounted Dave Sachs, a former classmate, “and I remember thinking, wow, he knows my name.”

Since he joined Facebook six months ago, many have been shocked — and thrilled — at the speed with which the previously unapproachable legend has accepted friend requests. (more…)

From the Archives: Another Paper Football Player Concussed; League to Investigate

Thursday, July 21st, 2016

Roughing the Flicker. Paper champions getting hurt.

ROCKVILLE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Jimmy Hantzes enjoys playing paper football with his buddies during study hall at Robert F. Kennedy Middle School. This kind of activity has been going on for decades.  However, there’s an increasingly disturbing trend as the sport has evolved – career threatening injuries. Since one of the game’s great pioneers, Larry Bynon lost his eye a few years ago, a startling number of injuries have occurred.

Now, Hantzes has taken a field goal attempt off the skull and is paying dearly. The hard hit has resulted in a concussion.  (more…)

Fat, Lazy Slob Enjoying 12th Consecutive Year Without Sports Injury

Thursday, July 14th, 2016

Breaking Dad. Father of twins just chillin’.

NUTLEY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Artie Zbyszko, the 275 pound “work from home” father of twin 13 year old boys, generally gets around to dispatching his servicemen and printing out work orders for his air conditioning installation business by 11:00 AM.  This gives him ample time to enjoy three Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches® and two cups of coffee every morning while watching the Today Show.

“He builds most of the day around watching television, especially ESPN and COZI TV, the nostalgia programmed network.” laments Lorraine, his wife of 16 years. “I suppose the upside of his sedentary lifestyle is that he hasn’t really had any kind of sports injury in 12 years.”

Zbyszko’s only sports activity is when he reclines in his BarcaLounger®, and shoots baskets in the driveway with his sons, Calvin and Blake.   (more…)

From the Archives: Scranton, Pennsylvania Receives Furtive Chuckles from World Class Cities in 2028 Olympic Bid

Monday, July 11th, 2016
2020 Visions. Scranton has it's eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

2020 Visions. Scranton has it’s eyes set on the 2020 Summer Games.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s twelve years down the road, but it’s not too early for the International Olympic Committee to entertain serious considerations as to which city will host the 2028 Summer Games.

Among the more well known cities to throw their hats into the ring are Rome, Istanbul, Boston, Prague, Cape Town and Toronto.

Perhaps the most unlikely potential host city bidding for the games is Scranton, Pennsylvania.  When officials from Scranton attended a recent IOC event, members from Madrid, Tokyo, and Istanbul could be heard chuckling every time the Northeastern Pennsylvania city was mentioned.


Professional Bowling’s Remaining Two Fans to Call it Quits

Friday, June 24th, 2016

No Bowl of Cherries. Mildred and Stanley Slavish of Nanticoke, Pennsylvania say they will stop following pro bowlers around beginning next week, effectively ending the 53 year run of the PBA.

NANTICOKE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the 1960’s and 70’s, it was as much a Saturday afternoon institution as going to the kiddie matinee at the local movie theatre. Announcers Chris Schenkel along with Billy Welu, and later Nelson Burton Jr. brought bowling into the homes of millions of viewers across America every weekend on ABC television. The broadcast still had a sizable following in the 1980’s and even early 1990’s. But by 1997 coverage ended.

Still, the Pro Bowling Association (PBA) rolled on, thanks to the tenacious and fanatical support of two people; Mildred and Stanley Slavish; themselves avid bowlers. The Slavishes, who hail from Nanticoke, Pennsylvania near Wilkes-Barre, approximately one-hundred miles north of Philadelphia, have followed their favorite bowlers around since 1966. (more…)

Boy Goes Swimming Five Minutes after Eating; Dozens of Parents Outraged

Friday, June 17th, 2016


Hate to eat and sun. But… little Tyler Miller was in the pool almost immediately after downing a king size cheeseburger with all the fixin’s.

FORT LAUDERDALE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nine year old Tyler Miller is like most South Florida kids, he appreciates the fact that the abundant sunshine and warm temperatures allow him to play sports outside all year, including plenty of pool time.  And although Tyler is no stranger to the old adage “you must wait half an hour before going swimming after eating,” it sure didn’t stop him – or his mom Karen. (more…)

Sportsman’s Daily Institutes Bold New Drug Policy; Employees Must Now Bring Their Own

Thursday, June 16th, 2016

No Good Weed Goes Unfinished. TSD Human Resources Director, Rita Lopez inspects the source of inspiration destined for the writer’s lounge.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.

Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu.

“We’re talking about writers,” said TSD Editor-in Chief, Charles Epstein. “Naturally, in order to summon their inner William S. Burroughs-cum-Richard Hell, a long hit on the communal water bong depicting the busty likeness of a young Chrissy Evert is an occasional necessity. But the halcyon days of the company’s free flowing supply of weed, mushrooms, and blotter have sadly come to a screeching halt.” (more…)

Little League Coach Trades His Son for a Case of Schlitz

Tuesday, June 14th, 2016

No runs, warm Schlitz, big error. Little League Father of the Year, Derek Kern is sitting pretty outside Zeke’s Bar and Grille. Even if it means his son has to repress thoughts of being loathed.

FLORENCE, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — For Derek Kern, the decision was an easy one. In the Florence, South Carolina Little League annual draft, Kern selected his son Raymond first. The eleven year old Kern is a pitcher and first baseman for Carl’s Garage Dodgers. He was one of the top hitters on his team last season and area fans felt he was a lock to bat fourth on his dad’s team this upcoming season. Then Derek Kern stunned everyone with an unusual and highly controversial move. He traded Raymond to the rival Hoffer’s Diner A’s for a warm case of Schlitz beer. (more…)

TSD’s Resident Chimp Reprimanded for Unprofessional Behavior

Monday, June 13th, 2016

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles’ microwave episode in TSD’s lunchroom.

BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily  management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published. (more…)