Three Rivers Me Timbers. The most interesting moment the Pirates have had in more than fifteen years.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the wee hours of Friday morning a small ship transporting iron ore on the Monongahela River was seized and boarded by six members of the Pittsburgh Pirates. There were seven crew members on the small ship registered to the United States. (more…)

A meal fit for a Prince. Tigers’ slugger Prince Fielder has some serious eating to do. And he’ll get first crack at this bad boy.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Detroit Tigers rotund slugger Prince Fielder has asked Director of Clubhouse Operations Larry Corsica to have his locker moved along side of the team’s buffet table. “I had to walk past Alex Avila, Justin Verlander and a slew of reporters just to get to the pizza, pasta and pierogies,” Fielder bemoaned. “By the time I got there it was picked over and breathed on – drops of spittle from Lord knows who. That’s bullshit. But no more.”

“Prince is one of the leaders of this ball club,” said manager Jim Leyland. “He’s a star in this town – a very large star. And with a professional eater of Prince’s stature…well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get in his way when he’s fixin’ to get his chops around a plate of Veal Scaloppini.” (more…)

Who? What? Where? The Phillie Phanatic down but not out as his freaky but admittedly hot assailants ran rampant.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The Phillie Phanatic, one of the most popular and lovable mascots in sports was beaten mercilessly last night shortly after the Phillies 2-1 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Phanatic was at home in South Philadelphia watching the game on TV. Just after the loss,  there was a knock at the door. That’s when he was confronted by three assailants believed to be females from a rogue offshoot of an apocalyptic mascot group associated with video games promotions.

“This happens sometimes.” said Conrad Bitner, Marketing Director for Sludge LLC, a game making company. “We hire professional actors to appear as mascots at store openings and promotional events. Sadly, on occasion, a group will splinter off into a roving band of heartless thugs and wreck havoc on unsuspecting citizens. We apologize to the Phillies, their fans, and especially Mr. Phanatic for the unrelenting beating he endured. We hope he bounces back more effectively than the team would down by three runs with runners in scoring position and less that two outs.”   (more…)

Kung “Food” Panda. Pablo Sandovol unloads on baseball, then on leftovers.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The defending World Champion San Francisco Giants are looking to repeat as champs in 2013. Winners of their last six in a row, the Giants appear they’ll be in the thick of things all season. However, Bay Area reporters focused on a different story yesterday.  Pablo “King Fu Panda” Sandoval asked ace hurler Tim Lincecum for the discarded mountain of fat on his plate from the pork chops served during the team dinner.

“That’s Panda,” said Lincecum. “He’s already thinking about hibernating in the winter, so he’s loading up. Naturally, I obliged.” (more…)

Space Ball. A-Rod’s career is somewhere out there – we think.

MOUNT PALOMAR, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a controversial career with plenty of highs and lows, New York Yankees infielder, Alex Rodriguez continues to recover from hip surgery and figure out next steps. With his playing days basically on life support, A-Rod is merely a blip on the radar screen.

Now, astronomers at Mount Palomar Observatory in California will experiment with a special lens which they’ll attach to the institute’s massive telescope in the hopes they’ll spot a fading patch of light or gaseous trail that was once part of a streaking bright light.  (more…)

Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home last Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustle on November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. (more…)

Met Me in St. Louis! This undated photo clearly shows Mr. Met hitting his mark in one of his early porn efforts shot while the team was on the road playing the Cardinals. Met, who doesn’t often travel with the team, insisted at the time the trip was only about baseball.

FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— In a shocking development that occurred late last night, ownership announced that long time Mets mascot Mr. Met has been fired.

Met (Metropolitan), who has delighted fans of all ages for generations, apparently also delighted in making hardcore adult films during the off season. Met produced and directed many of the films he starred including Getting to Third, My Head Is a Ball, and Between the Stitches Part IV.

“He set up shop in Brooklyn,” said Mets spokesperson Jerry Kellerman. “It was a fairly sophisticated operation and perfectly legal by the way, but we just can’t employ a mascot who runs around the stadium handing out refrigerator magnets to moms, dads, and nine year olds during a home stand then turning around and having women dressed as ball girls double tonguing his taint.” (more…)

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. (more…)

Smoke-a-Dubee. Hensley Dawson, a (like totally huge) proponent of marijuana use, stumbled out of the stands in Miami during a Marlins-Phillies game and attempted to smoke Phillies pitching coach, Rich Dubee. He was arrested moments later. Dawson said he found Dubee a bit harsh and full of seeds and stems.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A recent series between the Philadelphia Phillies and Miami Marlins brought plenty of thrills in an early season, but exciting National League East race. Still, that excitement was nothing compared to the incident that occurred during the series’ final game. A Marlins fan came sauntering out of the upper deck, was somehow able to sneak past security, and sit down next to Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee in an attempt to smoke him.

Hensley Dawson has been a South Florida resident for nearly two years and the Jamaican native says he’s planned getting to Dubee since he’s been in the United States.

“The Jamaican culture demands that our people explore all the possibilities of expanding our consciousness man,” said Dawson. “With a name like Dubee, I was pretty sure that by just taking a long drag on him, I’d have myself my own personal little transcendental event. Of course, I was wrong.” (more…)

Something Foul Afoot. Pablo Sandoval balls deep into the stands at Wrigley.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) San Francisco Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval says he can’t help himself, it’s just the way he plays. Sandoval has a penchant for going all out for foul balls. In a recent game in Chicago’s Wrigley Field he once again dove into the stands irritating stadium officials.

“Just as fans will quickly be escorted from the park if they fall onto the field in an attempted to snag a foul, the opposite must also be enforced. Enough is enough.” said Wrigley Field Director of Security, Horace X. Cromwell.  (more…)

Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. (more…)

Harping on Harper. The kid claims he’s trying to do the right thing.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals second year sensation Bryce Harper is still feeling his way through the rough and tumble world of Major League Baseball. Yesterday in Miami he missed the team bus to Marlins Park and was late for workouts.

(more…)