Archive for the ‘MLB’ Category

Pete Rose Owes $7,863.57 in Library Late Fees for Borrowing Book Written by Pete Rose

Monday, December 19th, 2016
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Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home last Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustle on November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. (more…)


TSD Classique: Sixteen Year Old Hipster Sports Writer Captures Nation’s Attention with Lack of Punctuation and Glaring Typos

Thursday, December 8th, 2016

 

 

 

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WTF? This kid’s a star.

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.

The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Researchers Announce New Formula for Re-evaluating Pre-Steroids Era Baseball Stats

Monday, December 5th, 2016

 

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A-Rod clubs home run number 630. New statistical model that adjusts baseball statistics for steroids projects a roided-up Babe jacks 1030 career four baggers…while lowering his “Ruthian” prostitute tally by a factor of five.

CHICAGO (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Next Monday, two professors from the University of Chicago will hold a press conference to announce an explosive new paper that argues for a new way of assessing and providing historical context to baseball statistics in light of those many believe were dramatically inflated by the widespread use of banned performance-enhancing substances. Professors Walt Ossenheimer, a renowned bio-engineer (Jockstraps is in the process of investigating whether that’s an actual academic discipline), and Arnold Pinkerton, a statistician known for his trailblazing work on latent space approaches to dynamic embedding of co-occurrence data, purport to have established a new mathematical model for aligning historical baseball statistics with those compiled during the so-called “steroids” era, seasons roughly spanning 1995-2004.

“There are some things we will never know, i.e., did Oswald act alone, did we actually land men on the moon, did OJ really do it, did Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, et al actually use performance enhancers in producing circus-freak numbers that defy biology and historical trends?” rhetorically asked Professor Ossenheimer. ” There’s no way of getting around it, just as there’s no real way of ignoring the numbers they recorded without rewriting history. So the question becomes: since you can’t just dismiss these numbers, how do you honor the actual achievements that have come before, milestones that define the sport of baseball?” (more…)


From the Archives: Statue of Virgin Mary Won’t Stop Crying, Then Laughing Over Minnesota Twins

Tuesday, November 29th, 2016

Hail Mary! Twins fans flock to St. Anthony’s Church to see the emotionally conflicted statue.

ST. PAUL, MN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Most fans of the Minnesota Twins went into the season with what they thought were realistic expectations about their ball club’s chances in 2012. What they didn’t foresee was the worst record in the American League.

“Things have sort of flip flopped,” said Father Leo Forlano of St. Anthony’s Roman Catholic Church in St. Paul. “It’s the Cleveland Indians that should be at the bottom, not us.”

The season as a whole is what has many Twin Cities parishioners and curiosity seekers flocking to the front of the church to see the statue of the Virgin Mary, which hasn’t stopped it’s seemingly uncontrollable bouts of crying and laughter. (more…)


An Instant Classique: Evil Clown Can’t Understand Why He Got Passed Over as Reds New Mascot

Monday, November 28th, 2016

Former Circus Standout Inflicted Psychological Scars on Thousands

 

 

 

Here’s Zippers! The mascot hopeful appears ready to devour a set of twins – a practice he calls the perfect in-game entertainment.

 

 

CINCINNATI  (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He’s terrorized and psychologically scared countless children and adults alike over a storied twenty year career, but Cletus Haskins also known as Zippers the Evil Clown is mystified as to why he wasn’t selected as the Cincinnati Reds new mascot for the upcoming 2017 season.

“Ken Griffey Jr. was injured all the fucking time and got millions from this ball club,” Zippers said. “But I on the other hand have been working the streets near this park and before it Riverfront for every home game since 1987, and they don’t give me as much as a fucking courtesy call for a measly $42,000 gig?!! They’ll rue the day they made this decision. They’ll rue the day!” (more…)


From Litly to Bigly: The Day President Elect Trump Managed Son’s Little League Team

Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
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Trump on the Bump. Barron to show his stuff.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As much of a hands-on mom Melania is, her husband likes to get in plenty of quality time with their son Barron, too. Barron totally looks up to his father — so much so that Melania’s nickname for Barron is “Little Donald.” In that same interview, she went on to say that when Barron was 5 years old, “he wanted to be like daddy: a businessman and golfer.” But it seems as though Donald’s influence on Barron started even younger, as a former Trump butler Tony Senecal told Inside Edition, “When Barron was two-and-a-half years old I took his breakfast into him. He was sitting in his highchair and he looks at me and he said: ‘Tony! Sit down! We need to talk!'” Donald is equally as fond of his son, calling Barron a “fantastic young boy” in an interview with E! News last year. (more…)


From the Archives: Down on Luck Lenny Dykstra Sells Dentures on eBay

Tuesday, October 25th, 2016
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Glass Act. Lenny Dykstra’s teeth include this collectible glass container.

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) How the mighty have fallen. Once a baseball all-star and stock picker to the stars, former outfielder, Lenny Dykstra, now spends his days toiling away in prison. His rap sheet reads like the credits on a blockbuster movie…long.

Now, the man they called “Nails” will take whatever bucks he can as he’s just put his dentures up for bid on eBay. No takers as of yet. (more…)


Middle Finger to be Seamlessly Integrated into Nationals’ Batting Signs for 2017

Friday, October 14th, 2016
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The Bird at Third. Nats Third Base Coach, Bob Henley, will add the middle digit to his routine under the direction of Dusty Baker.

VIERA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A lot was expected of the Washington Nationals this season, but they came up short in 2016 after losing the NLDS to the Los Angeles Dodgers. They’re the odds on favorite to win the NL East again in 2017 and go deep into the post season.  So, the idea of mixing things up in what appears to be a template for winning, might seem ill advised. However, that’s exactly what they’ll try out in spring training next February. Manager Dusty Baker has asked his coaches to employ the middle finger to his series of signs this season, and the staff said yes.

“Flipping someone off has long been my thing.” said Third Base Coach, Bob Henley. “So when Dusty asked me to add it, I couldn’t wait.”

Some of the Nationals players initially took offense to the idea of using sign, but most have accepted it. Now, several opposing teams are saying they’ll take the sign personally.   (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


A TSD Classique: Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

Tuesday, October 11th, 2016

 

Former Minnesota Twins batboy Timmy Tanner captured in undated photo unleashing primal howl as he prepares to rip the arms off an unauthorized clubhouse visitor.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Barry Bonds isn’t the only one making steroids-related news.

Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.

Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.

“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star  catcher Joe Mauer when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Mario Mendoza’s Property “Line” Relentlessly Ridiculed by Local Youth

Monday, October 10th, 2016

 

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Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” (more…)


Dodger Dog Vendor Blamed for Most of LA’s Heart Disease

Monday, September 19th, 2016

 

Doggin’ It! Cardiac patients need to cross this little lovely off their list. But vendor Phil Ferraro says, “Relax. Take a bite.”

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Dodger Dog – a simple frankfurter in a bun that is widely regarded as the very best in major league baseball, is as much a piece of Los Angeles Dodgers history as a Maury Wills stolen base or a Sandy Koufax strikeout. Hot dog vendor Phil Ferraro has been working the field box level at Dodger Stadium since the early seventies. He estimates he’s personally sold over nine-hundred thousand Dodger Dogs and is quickly approaching the one million mark. “That’s a helluva lotta cholesterol,” the fifty-nine year old wiener jockey said. “I look at these people on the aisle ordering three dogs for the fat guy in seat 12 and think to myself, ‘this poor bastard’s gonna be dead before the fifth inning.’ But as much as it pains me to contribute to their inevitable heart disease, I do derive a guilty pleasure from seeing their faces light up when they take that first bite – the mustard, relish and dog juice dripping down their double chins. ” (more…)