Archive for the ‘MLB’ Category

Oldest Astros Fan Still Searching for His Team in NL Central Standings

Thursday, September 15th, 2016
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Damn Typos. Roderick “Red” Newton-Ayers at local eatery searching desperately for his team.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Roderick “Red” Newton-Ayers, 97, the head of the conglomerate, Texas T Oil, has followed his team since they entered the National League in 1962 as the Colt 45’s in Major League Baseball’s second year of expansion.

Now, the rapidly aging Newton-Ayers is up in arms about being unable to find his team in the baseball standings.

“They must be here somewhere.” the irate magnate yelled, as his man servant, Lars massaged his thighs while he engaged his usual breakfast of grapefruit, a scrambled egg, and two slices of bacon. “What in all things holy is going on here? I’m looking at the bottom of the NL Central. They should be there!” (more…)


Creepy Dummy Freaking Out Marlins’ Bullpen Pitchers

Thursday, September 8th, 2016

 

Dummy Up. When Willy is around, pitchers pay attention.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Not only are the Miami Marlins’ post season hopes fading fast, buy they now must endure the unyielding, horrific glare of Willy, the abandoned dummy in seat 18, row, 3, section 13 at Marlins Park.

“Somehow that dummy just finds it’s way into that seat day after day.” said Marlins hurler Mike Dunn. “It stares at you. You feel it watching you. Then, suddenly it’s gone and reappears in different parts of the park – that evil grin and unblinking eyes fixated on you. Christ all mighty! Make it stop.” (more…)


From the Archives: Steve Bartman Found Lurking In Cubs’ Laundry

Tuesday, September 6th, 2016
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The Bart Cart. Steve Bartman wheels around in Cubs’ laundry. Could more disappointment be far behind?

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Steve Bartman, the ostracized Chicago Cubs fan, who famously interfered with a catchable ball in the 2003 NLCS, and possibly thwarted the Cubs’ chances of making the World Series, is back.

The bespectacled Bartman was seen nestled amongst tee shirts and athletic supporters in the Cubs’ laundry bins at Wrigley Field.

“He’s up to something,” said Cubs’ manager, Joe Maddon. “And I gotta be honest, it makes me a little queasy.”

Any mention of Bartman stirs up deep emotion with many Cubs fans. Some have forgiven him, but others can’t let go of the infamous Chicagoan. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Baseball Fan Who Tried to Smoke Phillies Pitching Coach Rich Dubee Finally Released

Thursday, September 1st, 2016

Smoke-a-Dubee. Hensley Dawson, a (like totally huge) proponent of marijuana use, stumbled out of the stands in Miami during a Marlins-Phillies game and attempted to smoke Phillies pitching coach, Rich Dubee. He was arrested moments later. Dawson said he found Dubee a bit harsh and full of seeds and stems.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A recent series between the Philadelphia Phillies and Miami Marlins brought plenty of thrills in an early season, but exciting National League East race. Still, that excitement was nothing compared to the incident that occurred during the series’ final game. A Marlins fan came sauntering out of the upper deck, was somehow able to sneak past security, and sit down next to Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee in an attempt to smoke him.

Hensley Dawson has been a South Florida resident for nearly two years and the Jamaican native says he’s planned getting to Dubee since he’s been in the United States.

“The Jamaican culture demands that our people explore all the possibilities of expanding our consciousness man,” said Dawson. “With a name like Dubee, I was pretty sure that by just taking a long drag on him, I’d have myself my own personal little transcendental event. Of course, I was wrong.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Bill James in Love: Recently Discovered Spreadsheets Reveal Writer’s Unrequited Feelings for Craig Biggio

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

 

Craig Biggio: Bill James’ decade-long unfulfilled obsession.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)Buried deep beneath mountains of baseball stats and regression analysis beats the heart of an incurable romantic. Based on data and an assortment of pie charts and bar graphs embedded in a series of spreadsheets that were sent to TSD’s Stats and Analysis Desk, for over a decade (1989-1999), Bill James, the father of sabremetrics, was madly in love with Craig Biggio, catcher, second baseman, and briefly centerfielder before retuning to second base for the Houston Astros.

Yesterday, amateur baseball statistician and longtime Bill James correspondent Richard Hastings sent TSD an email attachment containing 23 Excel spreadsheets, spanning the years 1989-1999. According to Dr. Felix Lopez, TSD’s resident statistician, the spreadsheets reveal James’ abiding obsession with the Astros’ star. (more…)


Braves Electrify Fans With Walk Off Loss

Thursday, August 18th, 2016

 

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Walk Off Boss. The walk of loss was commandeered by the Snit.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Atlanta Braves squeezed out one run in the ninth inning on Wednesday night, but it still wasn’t enough as they lost to the Minnesota Twins, 10-3.

The Braves displayed a weak offensive output throughout the contest, until ultimately, the last remaining ember of  hope was permanently vanquished.

“We really sustained a level of ineptitude that kept our opponents in complete control,” said Braves manager, Brian Snitker. “I’m glad we were able to give our fans a nice walk off loss.”

“I love being a fan of this team,” said Parker Vogel of Athens, Georgia. “We’ve come to expect are fair amount of winning over the years. So one of these walk off losses is sweet.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: A-Rod’s Massage Parlor Encounter Culminates with Mediocre Ending

Tuesday, August 16th, 2016
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Rub a Dub Flub. Madame Force’s rub down finishes apparently don’t live up to the deep tissue massages.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.” (more…)


Robert De Niro’s Plan to Bring Third Baseball Team to New York Gets Raves at Press Conference

Monday, August 15th, 2016
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Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. (more…)


From the Archives: Mound Visit Gets Awkward When Terry Collins Admits Knowing Whereabouts of Missing Bat Boy

Thursday, July 28th, 2016
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Dead Batboy Era? Sort of.

FLUSHING, QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The pennant races are heating up. Often times traditional strategies are kicked to the curb for the unusual. However, even veteran New York Mets devotees were perplexed about halfway through the top of the fourth inning in yesterday’s 4-0 victory over the Colorado Rockies at CITI Field.

Manager Terry Collins wanted to have a little chat with starting hurler Matt Harvey. The oddly timed confab brought pitching coach Dan Warthen to the hill. That’s when Collins spilled the beans as to the whereabouts of missing bat boy, Danny Kesler.  (more…)


As Trade Deadline Approaches, “Player to Be Named Later” Still Has Trouble Sleeping

Friday, July 15th, 2016

 

 

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“Auto” matic Out? Most probably. But James Czyzmenick still says he’s ready to leave his day job.

 

PRINGLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happens every year. Baseball teams evaluate their seasons and have to decide whether they’re going to be buyers or sellers before the August 1st trade deadline. The deadline has come and gone, but one player still awaits his fate.

James Czyzmenick.

The 62 year old Pringle, Pennsylvania resident is once again “the player to be named later” in an already made trade between two or more teams. And the automobile mechanic isn’t enjoying the ride. (more…)


MLB Honors Kevin Costner for Appearing in Every Baseball Movie Ever Made

Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

 

s This Kevin? The star of Field of Dreams and Bull Durham is receiving the highest (and only) honor Hollywood bestows on baseball movie actors.

Is This Kevin? The star of Field of Dreams and Bull Durham is receiving the highest (and only) honor Hollywood bestows on baseball movie actors.

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Sports movie buffs say the honor is long overdue. But Kevin Costner’s special day has arrived.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig as well as several baseball luminaries including Hall of Famers Reggie Jackson and Tom Seaver journeyed to Hollywood, California to present the 59 year old actor with the first ever Bronze Ball Award yesterday. The unprecedented honor recognizes Costner as the only actor to appear in every baseball movie ever produced in Hollywood. The award is a five pound bronze baseball with the block letters of the HOLLYWOOD sign emblazoned between the stitches across the sweet spot. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Man Stunned When Wife Plops Right Down Next to Him to Watch Entire Ballgame

Thursday, June 30th, 2016
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Sofa So Good? Not really.

POTOMAC, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Larry Frushon likes to unwind after a long day’s work with a beer, some pretzels, and baseball — specifically the Washington Nationals. He considers it his three-hour nightly escape from the rigors of the world, and a sanctuary from all responsibility.  That sanctuary was compromised on Wednesday evening when Frushon’s wife, Carolyn sat down next to him seconds before first pitch. Initially, Frushon got a kick out of it, thinking it was just a cute and short-lived gesture of support. However, by the fourth inning, as Carolyn was hanging on every pitch, and began asking questions, Frushon grew uneasy. (more…)