Archive for the ‘Sports Media’ Category

Sports Satire Site Ceases Operations Until Nation Re-Embraces Facts and Has Better Grasp of Line Between Fake and Real News

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

The Sportsman’s Daily ends 10 year run as the go-to site for breaking sports satire

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Totally Faked Up. The blurry line of reality and bullshit spells doom.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) This year marked the tenth year anniversary of the Sportsman’s Daily, the place for palpably fake sports news. The founders of the site called it satire, as its mission was to reveal and ridicule the absurdity of prominent sports figures (and their mindless fans/apologists) making fools of themselves on the regular. While the majority of the stories appearing there had some — some — grounding in reality, the lines were often blurred — an inescapable byproduct of any satirical endeavor, which did cause occasional confusion, sometimes even anger when a reader would realize he or she’d been had, bamboozled, suckered, made to feel foolish, incompetent and/or stupid. Such are the unintended consequences of satire, though there are no cases on record of anyone storming a pizzeria because they misread a TSD story on Mike Piazza, or citizens rising up to counter stories mercilessly ripping entire cities for their sorry histories of sports ineptitude. (more…)


TSD Classique: Sixteen Year Old Hipster Sports Writer Captures Nation’s Attention with Lack of Punctuation and Glaring Typos

Thursday, December 8th, 2016

 

 

 

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WTF? This kid’s a star.

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.

The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. (more…)


From the Archives: Jerry Sandusky’s Private Paterno Eulogy Impresses Roman Polanski

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

 

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The Sandy Man Can. Jerry Sandusky eulogizes JoePa in his own special way.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled former Penn State assistant coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky eulogized legendary head coach Joe Paterno yesterday in a private ceremony from his backyard seen on closed circuit television by a selected group of relatives and friends, including iconic film director, Roman Polanski. (more…)


From Litly to Bigly: The Day President Elect Trump Managed Son’s Little League Team

Wednesday, November 9th, 2016
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Trump on the Bump. Barron to show his stuff.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As much of a hands-on mom Melania is, her husband likes to get in plenty of quality time with their son Barron, too. Barron totally looks up to his father — so much so that Melania’s nickname for Barron is “Little Donald.” In that same interview, she went on to say that when Barron was 5 years old, “he wanted to be like daddy: a businessman and golfer.” But it seems as though Donald’s influence on Barron started even younger, as a former Trump butler Tony Senecal told Inside Edition, “When Barron was two-and-a-half years old I took his breakfast into him. He was sitting in his highchair and he looks at me and he said: ‘Tony! Sit down! We need to talk!'” Donald is equally as fond of his son, calling Barron a “fantastic young boy” in an interview with E! News last year. (more…)


More Legal Troubles: O.J. Simpson Charged with Selling Uranium to Iran

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

 

 

I-ran Through Airports for This! O.J. Simpson shown here with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in undated photo, honestly feels he’s done something good.

 

TEHRAN, IRAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson continues to serve a lengthy prison sentence at Lovelock Correction Center in Nevada. But that sentence could become even longer.  Simpson allegedly met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of 2008 and promised him 20,000 cubic tons of enriched uranium to help aid Iran’s nuclear program.

“I’m pretty connected,” a boastful Simpson said from his isolated prison cell. “Ahmadinejad had been looking for someone inside the United States to essentially ‘hook him up.’ I was pleased to oblige. He kind of gets a bad rap as being a madman. If anyone knows how the press can play with the truth, it’s me.” (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


Geeky ESPN Graphics Whiz Admits to Green Screening Erin Andrews into His Bedroom

Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

Lean and Green. The lovely Erin Andrews has been green-screened onto Melvin Frisbee’s bed, where he imagines himself seducing her in his own personal Star Trek episode

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Melvin Frisbee has been the man behind many of ESPN’s more impressive digital graphics effects for the past three years. But on Sunday Frisbee admitted to his bosses there was something he could no longer keep secret.

The twenty-seven year old CGI whiz has been green-screening ESPN sports reporter Erin Andrews into his bedroom since August, 2009. Green-screening, a longtime television visual effect, allows the subject in front of a camera to appear to be anywhere – depending on the background that is chosen. (more…)


Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Rio Games; Represents Vatican City

Monday, August 8th, 2016

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Rio.

RIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He wasn’t able to arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.

“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female figure swimmers – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have gymnasts pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”

Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate scripture quoting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away. (more…)


Swimming: Trump Claims He’ll Fill White House Pool With the Tears of Business Rivals

Monday, July 18th, 2016
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The Cool Pool. Trump plans to bust out some Olympian heroics in the famed White House swimming hole.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald J. Trump, says he plans on making “many, many great changes” upon taking up residence at America’s most famous address, should he win the 2016 race to the White House. (more…)


A TSD Classique: Man Stunned When Wife Plops Right Down Next to Him to Watch Entire Ballgame

Thursday, June 30th, 2016
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Sofa So Good? Not really.

POTOMAC, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Larry Frushon likes to unwind after a long day’s work with a beer, some pretzels, and baseball — specifically the Washington Nationals. He considers it his three-hour nightly escape from the rigors of the world, and a sanctuary from all responsibility.  That sanctuary was compromised on Wednesday evening when Frushon’s wife, Carolyn sat down next to him seconds before first pitch. Initially, Frushon got a kick out of it, thinking it was just a cute and short-lived gesture of support. However, by the fourth inning, as Carolyn was hanging on every pitch, and began asking questions, Frushon grew uneasy. (more…)


TSD Theatre Review: Don’t Waste Your Time with the Abysmal “Wilt Chamberlain Remembers”

Thursday, June 23rd, 2016

 

 

by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt

 

Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.

I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Institutes Bold New Drug Policy; Employees Must Now Bring Their Own

Thursday, June 16th, 2016

No Good Weed Goes Unfinished. TSD Human Resources Director, Rita Lopez inspects the source of inspiration destined for the writer’s lounge.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.

Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu.

“We’re talking about writers,” said TSD Editor-in Chief, Charles Epstein. “Naturally, in order to summon their inner William S. Burroughs-cum-Richard Hell, a long hit on the communal water bong depicting the busty likeness of a young Chrissy Evert is an occasional necessity. But the halcyon days of the company’s free flowing supply of weed, mushrooms, and blotter have sadly come to a screeching halt.” (more…)