He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” (more…)

Play Zappa! It’s the 7th-inning stretch folks!

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Take Me Out to the Ball Game has been a seventh-inning stretch tradition for generations. Along with Happy Birthday, it is perhaps the most familiar sing-along most everyone know the words to.

But, like a nation grows weary of a stale scandal, this supposed time-tested tune is being replaced.

“Borrrring,” said 74 year old Stan Siricki. “Personally I feel just like every other self-respecting baseball fan does. Give us more Frank Zappa.” (more…)

The One. The Only. Harry Reems.

Why do we love the 70?s?  Was it the music? Was it the gas prices? Was it the movies? Well, it certainly wasn’t Nixon.

When the recently deceased Harry Reems starred opposite Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat, it started a trend. Yes, all of a sudden, porn became more sophisticated. But more importanlty, the male star’s mustache was now a bonafide fashion statement. Everyone from Burt Reynolds to Ken Norton had one.

But no one wore them better than baseball players. (more…)

The Bermanator. His nicknames have forced one unfortunate fan to taking meds.

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chris Berman, longtime ESPN TV personality, is widely regarded as a knowledgeable sports broadcaster, but perhaps one of the most grating with his calls of “it could go…all…the…way” and “back, back, back.”

Fans have often complained of Berman’s histrionics, but according to Berman family members, the fans are the lucky ones. (more…)

by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt

Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.

I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. (more…)

Lancing with the Stars. Best Performance Enhancing goes to Armstrong.

HOLLYWOOD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced biker, Lance Armstrong earned a special Oscar at the Academy Awards on Sunday for his “enhanced performance” as a sports champion.

“He gave us a tremendous performance which the majority of us swallowed hook, line and sinker as the real thing. Including me.” said former Oscar winner Robert De Niro, who was looking for his car. “His skill as a first rate bullshit artist was masterful.”

Though the award wasn’t in a competitive category, experts agree, if it had been, Armstrong would have been nominated unopposed. (more…)

CVS Presents. CVS Pharmacy Technician Tyler “Scooter” Post waits to see whether a Thorazine refill is recovered from aisle four before making the call.

VALPARAISO, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Tyler “Scooter” Post, a pharmacy technician at a local Valparaiso Indiana CVS Pharmacy has taken prescription dispensing to a new level. The 25 year old Post, whose penchant for doing what he calls “play by play prescriptions” on the store’s PA system, has riled several customers who prefer to keep their health conditions private.

“Scooter’s certainly a colorful young man,” says Pharmacy Manager Alan Castle. “He’s wonderful behind the counter, and no one fills a bottle of cough syrup with as much aplomb as this kid, but for some reason he has an uncontrollable urge to snap into this sports announcer character who speaks mostly in the third person and goes really over the top when Mrs. (Bertha) Jenkins picks up her monthly supply of Cardizem.” (more…)

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles' microwave episode in TSD's lunchroom.

BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily  management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published.

“I was answering a call from a Mr. Barry Mishkin of Syracuse, New York, when Mr. Biggles came in and hopped up on my desk demanding Splenda® for his coffee,” said Urban. “I told him he’d have to wait until I was finished with the call. That’s when he flung a steaming pile of his own poo at me which landed in my hair and on my forehead.” (more…)

Chuckles With Fuckles. Lance Armstrong living the dream.

FT. WAYNE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced seven time Tour de France champion, Lance Armstrong, whose wins have been vacated, is reinventing himself. Appearing in the Martinoff Brothers Circus tour as Fuckles the Clown, Armstrong is delighting young and old alike with his bicycle riding exploits.

“We’re thrilled to have him aboard.” said Ringmaster, Xavier Prescott. “His abusive, expletive-laden rants, and drunken fits of rage are real show stoppers. I particularly enjoy when he splashes his bucket – not filled with confetti – but a highly corrosive compound of battery acid and zinc chloride in the faces of unsuspecting patrons in the front row.” (more…)

No Good Weed Goes Unfinished. TSD Human Resources Director, Rita Lopez inspects the source of inspiration destined for the writer's lounge.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.

Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu. (more…)

Now What? Stanley Hotko teeming with uncertainty.

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Stanley Hotko, 44, woke up Monday morning to the startling realization there will be no professional football of any kind to be viewed on his 52” widescreen this coming weekend. Due to heavy snow, school was cancelled Monday. The Larksville, Pennsylvania man struggled throughout a pancakes and sausage breakfast at local eatery Ollie’s® barely making eye contact with his wife Doreen (Polachek) 42, daughter Kaitlyn, 17, son Bradley, 14, and son, Conner, 9. Fortunately, Hotko enjoyed a respite from the overwhelming awkwardness as both Kaitlyn and Bradley were engaged in marathon texting sessions with friends, Alyssa Murdoch and Tyler Slavish, respectively.

Hotko tried to interact with his youngest child, scaring up the courage only after his second cup of coffee and a moment to steal away to the parking lot for a cigarette.  Upon returning to the booth, the elder Hotko managed to murmur a cursory “how’s school?” “OK,” came young Conner’s response. Almost immediately, Hotko said to his family, “let’s go.” (more…)

The Hoax on Who? Manti Te'o goes Hollywood.

BURBANK, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his marvelously plotted and critically acclaimed “girlfriend hoax,” Notre Dame football sensation, Manti Te’o may be leading a dual career; Football and Hollywood mogul.

Motion picture and media powerhouse, Warner Brothers have offered the former Heisman Trophy candidate a high six figure salary to head up their fantasy department.  (more…)