Archive for the ‘Sports Media’ Category

TSD’s Resident Chimp Reprimanded for Unprofessional Behavior

Monday, June 13th, 2016

Nuke Box Zero. The aftermath of Mr. Biggles’ microwave episode in TSD’s lunchroom.

BOCA RATON (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) Mr. Biggles, the three year old chimpanzee who made his writing debut last year with a series of unintelligible, yet hilarious articles, was reprimanded by Sportsman’s Daily  management after flinging his own feces at receptionist Marion Urban, 62, shortly after his latest article was published. (more…)


Roided Up Lance Armstrong Enjoys Second Career as F**kles, the Abusive, Bike Riding Clown

Thursday, May 19th, 2016

Chuckles With Fuckles. Lance Armstrong living the dream.

FT. WAYNE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced seven time Tour de France champion, Lance Armstrong, whose wins have been vacated, is reinventing himself. Appearing in the Martinoff Brothers Circus tour as Fuckles the Clown, Armstrong is delighting young and old alike with his bicycle riding exploits.

“We’re thrilled to have him aboard.” said Ringmaster, Xavier Prescott. “His abusive, expletive-laden rants, and drunken fits of rage are real show stoppers. I particularly enjoy when he splashes his bucket – not filled with confetti – but a highly corrosive compound of battery acid and zinc chloride in the faces of unsuspecting patrons in the front row.” (more…)


Small Thundershower Disrupts This Cool Idea One of the Writers Thought He Had

Tuesday, May 10th, 2016

No Answer Blowin’ in the Wind. Thundershower leaves behind nothing but disappointed at swank TSD offices.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Heavy weather? Not so much after predictions of a major thunderstorm. At the swank offices of the Sportsman’s Daily, staff members were scurrying about on Tuesday bracing for power outages, downed power cables, and debris scattered about the sprawling office parking lot. What they got instead was a whole lot of nothing.  (more…)


Jim Rome’s Clones Begin Attack on Earth; Toledo Ohio Sports Bar Leveled

Monday, May 9th, 2016

Clone Heads. Jim Rome’s clones have launched their assault on planet Earth!

TOLEDO, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) He hosts the most popular sports radio show in America.  Jim Rome, the veteran sports talker with the robotic delivery has dubbed his listeners “clones.” The radio industry has viewed the pet name as typical showmanship and paid no attention to the subtle, cryptic warnings regarding a convert, sinister plot Rome has planned for years. Yesterday that plot was put into motion as fourteen men marched into Zonar’s, a Toledo, Ohio sports bar with laser guns and destroyed it. (more…)


Champion Sports Fisherman Finally Unearths Age Old Source of “Something Rotten in Denmark”

Thursday, May 5th, 2016

What a Stinker! Anders Rasmussen, one of Denmark’s top professional fisherman stands with the fountainhead of the rotten smell that’s perplexed Danes for years. The fish was remarkably well preserved.

COPENHAGEN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)“There’s something rotten in Denmark.”  You’ve heard older people say that ever since you could remember.

But who among us has contemplated what it really means? Was it ever really explained to you? Conventional wisdom dictates it means “someone’s up to no good.”

Granted, the phrase was shortened from the original “something’s rotten in the state of Denmark” from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, but no one can deny that the phrase, though a bit dated, took on a life of its own – as evidenced by the line’s use in day to day conversations in the English speaking world. When something was out of sorts – no matter what the platform, Denmark generally got the blame. (more…)


Sixteen Year Old Hipster Sports Writer Captures Nation’s Attention with Lack of Punctuation and Glaring Typos

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016

WTF? This kid’s a star, yo!

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.

The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. (more…)


World Champ Magnus Carlsen Suffers Career Threatening Chess Injury

Friday, April 29th, 2016
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One Hot Chess Mess. Magnus Carlsen has a long road back.

OSLO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Two minutes and thirty-four seconds into his exhibition match with the world’s 3rd ranked player, Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, the reigning world chess champion, Sven Magnus Øen Carlsen of Norway, tore several tendons while utilizing the famed La Boursonnais Maneuver. Initially, he played through the injury, but it was evident when he tried castling, something had gone horribly amiss.

“He let out a loud grunt, at first thought to be some sort of rarely employed Scandinavian gamesmanship, but it became obvious he was in excruciating pain.” said Salvatore “The Wrench” Brutico, Italy’s top ranked player.  (more…)


Doppelgänger: TV Host and Masters Champ

Monday, April 11th, 2016

Scary Stuff. TV Host and Actor, Joel McHale (Top) and newly jacketed Masters champion, Danny Willett bearing a striking resemblance.

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Chris Berman Named Most Annoying Sports Figure in His Own House

Monday, March 14th, 2016

The Bermanator. His nicknames have forced one unfortunate fan to taking meds.

BRISTOL, CT. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chris Berman, longtime ESPN TV personality, is widely regarded as a knowledgeable sports broadcaster, but perhaps one of the most grating with his calls of “it could go…all…the…way” and “back, back, back.”

Fans have often complained of Berman’s histrionics, but according to Berman family members, the fans are the lucky ones. (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Kills Off Beloved “Mike Vogel” Character

Monday, March 7th, 2016

 

 

 

You’re Fired! The Mike Vogel character set ablaze before falling face first into a vat of snakes. It’s all part of the job.

 

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a stunning move that sent ripples through the Sportsman’s Daily newsroom on Friday morning, senior brass at the wildly popular sports satire standard-bearer since 1,800 B.C.E., has killed off the beloved Mike Vogel character. Vogel appeared in numerous articles over the past two years in either leading or supporting roles.

The final call to forever rid the site of Vogel was not an easy one. (more…)


Sports Show Host’s Wife: “I Wanna Divorce! I’ll Hang Up and Listen.”

Friday, March 4th, 2016
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All Is “Air” In Love. Call of the day kinda sucks.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Things to do in Denver when you’re dead might include an on air divorce. Afternoon sports talk show host Lamar Young of 104.3 The Fan, took a call from a woman named Caroline, a name that’s shared by his wife. When the caller said “I wanna divorce” Young knew immediately it actually was his wife. She then followed the dramatic declaration quickly with the old caller standby, “I’ll hang up and listen.” She hung up and listened.

A stunned Young fumbled a bit before announcing to his audience that his wife had obviously discovered his betting slips which he thought he’d carefully concealed in some ceiling tiles.  (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily’s Hall of Records Keeper Found Face Down in Pool of Own Vomit

Friday, February 12th, 2016

He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” (more…)