Solo can you go? Kobe Bryant announces his decision to start a solo career next season. .

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kobe Bryant, the enigmatic star of the Los Angeles Lakers announced he was leaving the team to embark on a solo basketball career. Bryant claims creative differences as the reason for his decision.

“It’s been nice touring around with the guys and hearing all the cheers from fans across the country,” said Bryant. “But there are just certain things only a solo career can give me – a more intimate level of communication, a truer expression of my inner voice. It’s really nothing against the guys. I just need the ultimate freedom to create the way I know how to create.” (more…)

Operate on this Biotch! Hall of Famer basketball legend Julius Dr. J Erving had to take a break from this autograph signing session to save Horace Finster by removing his appendix.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. (more…)

Leave it to Cleaver. Kobe vents a bit.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After watching his Lakers get swept out in four games by the San Antonio Spurs, an injured Kobe Bryant secured an immense meat cleaver from the bowels of the Staples Center and began hacking at teammates, opponents, and passersby.

“He just walked in and demanded I fork over the cleaver.” said Jacques Legrande, the Paris-based team nutritionist and chef, as he was preparing a post game meal of Coq au vin, Truffade, Choucroute gamie, and pulled pork. “When he hits you with the death stare, you have no choice but to comply.”  (more…)

Ahem. A truly Hardened cough.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His unconventional facial hair often overshadows his play, which is why the announcement made late last night isn’t the stunner he thought it would be. Houston Rockets guard James Harden is indeed the long lost brother of William and Andrew Smith, purveyors of the celebrated cherry throat lozenge.

“Ahh…now it all makes sense.” said former Oklahoma Thunder teammate Kevin Durant. “I just couldn’t understand why all the references to ‘those fucking Ludens.’”  (more…)

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. (more…)

Gunners. Wayne Ellison taking a shot and Jethro White preparing to do the same thing.

MEMPHIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Players from the Memphis Grizzlies and a select group of National Rifle Association members were supposed to have engaged in a series of chess games to raise money for inner city youth. The event was abruptly cancelled when representatives from both sides couldn’t agree on such issues as alloted time between moves, height of chess pieces, and who would sing the national anthem at the venue – Hank Williams Jr. or Rihanna.  (more…)

Drone Deaf. Bynum has no idea what's coming.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The controversial question over whether the United States would ever launch a drone strike on one of its own citizens has finally been answered. A nearly unanimous vote to strike chronically lame center Andrew Bynum of the Philadelphia 76ers was held yesterday. Bynum joined what was deemed as an improving Sixers team in a three way trade, but has never suited up for them at any point during the season. The result has been disastrous for teammates, team ownership, Head Coach Doug Collins, and the fans.  (more…)

Balls Out. LeBron James has allowed this Peruvian tourist to get a first hand feel of what Earth’s balls are like.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Miami Heat superstar LeBron James felt that he had them in his grasp for the past couple of years. In fact, he even went as far to say he could smell it. But on Tuessday the Peruvian government officially proclaimed James has the world by the balls. James arrived in Lima, Peru on Monday night to prepare for the ritual-heavy ceremony which included climbing a scaffold and gripping the dangling testicles for eight consecutive hours. “They were spongey and a lot smaller than I expected them to be,” James said. “They look real old. There’s a heck of a lot of history there. When I think of all the dudes that had them in their hands, it really makes me realize how lucky I am.” (more…)

Heavy D. Mutated John Stockton displays defensive style he plans on bringing back to the NBA.

NEAR MOUNT FUJI, JAPAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the greatest point guards in NBA history, not much has been heard from former Utah Jazz great John Stockton since his 2003 retirement. That is until yesterday, when the once 6’1’’ player emerged from the dreaded Aokigahara forest at the base of Mount Fuji a stunning seventy feet tall.

“What’s happened to him? Jesus Howard Christ! What in God’s name has happened to him?” said Rick Adams, an American scientist studying fossils in Hokkaido. “Perhaps it’s some kind of Napoleon Complex thing. I know he was short, but talk about overcompensating. And those teeth.” (more…)

It's In There. Huge clump of crap holding it's own.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A massive turd, possibly deposited by a New York Knicks player, remains in the third stall from the left inside the team’s locker room.

“I’d like to get to the bottom of this – in a manner of speaking.” said assistant locker room attendant, Joey “The Mop” Ciavelli. “This puppy’s a real fuckin’ behemoth – intact since it was left – it climbs up the sides of the bowl, breaking the water line. My guess is it’s either the work of (6’10” forward) Steve Novak or (6’11’ forward-center) Rasheed Wallace. It’s been there so long, it’s beginning to lose it’s aroma. I’m Italian, so I know aromas.”  (more…)

Game Over. Clem Hopkins is still sleeping long after the game ended.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The West defeated the East 143-138 In Sunday’s NBA All Star Game. Sure, LeBron James tried to lead a comeback late in the game. Sure, Chris Paul was the MVP for West. Sure Kobe Bryant actually played defense in an all-star game.  Still, none of that mattered as missed play after missed play and shouts of “huh?” dominated action as the sold out crowd’s collective snoring drowned out even the ear splitting in-game sound effects.  (more…)

Kobe Thanks The Academy. The scowl says it all.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fresh off a 107-97 loss to the Miami Heat, Lakers star Kobe Bryant took his personal supersonic jet home to get in some practice. However, he was stunned when he walked in on a party.

“What the fuck is this?” fumed Bryant, as the 55th Annual Grammy Awards were underway.

Afterward, the NBA all star did get to work on his jumper as rappers, country artists, and rock legends filed out. Later he shared his feelings on the night.  (more…)