Archive for the ‘NBA’ Category

From the Archives: LeBron James Admits He Enjoys Speeding Through School Zones Just Because He’s LeBron James

Thursday, November 17th, 2016
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School Daze. LBJ just havin’ fun.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before traveling westward for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James got in a little “me” time.  He enjoyed a thrilled-packed afternoon of illegal fireworks displays near a nursing home, and driving recklessly at high rates of speed through school zones.

“Just blowin’ off a little steam,” the All-Star forward chimed. “Some people like to listen to some jams, others toss back a cold one, or spark up a big ass fatty. LBJ likes to endanger the innocent with indiscriminant hi jinx just because I’m LBJ, dig?” (more…)


NBA-NRA Chess Charity Event Cancelled

Monday, November 7th, 2016

MEMPHIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Players from the Memphis Grizzlies and a select group of National Rifle Association members were supposed to have engaged in a series of chess games to raise money for inner city youth. The event was abruptly cancelled when representatives from both sides couldn’t agree on such issues as alloted time between moves, height of chess pieces, and who would sing the national anthem at the venue – Hank Williams Jr. or Rihanna.  (more…)


Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

Friday, October 21st, 2016

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 75 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.”

Allen has had high level meetings with NBA Commissioner David Stern on how to strike any mention of the Knicks from all record books and return season tickets to every fan who ever existed. (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


From the Archives: Old College Buddies Elect Not to Invite Vegan Friend Paul to Sports Bar

Monday, August 29th, 2016
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Casting a Paul. Paul Lowry’s company is no longer required.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jack McKenna, 30, Steve Reinhart, 29, and Tony Rizzo, also 29, all of Oakland will be taking in Game 3 of the NBA Finals tonight at the Warehouse Bar and Grill on Webster Street. Conspicuously missing will be longtime friend and college classmate, Paul Lowry. The four attended San Jose State University together and claimed to have a close bond built around their shared passions for sports, music, and bar-b-ques. But that bond has slowly crumbled when Lowry chose to embrace the vegan lifestyle.

“We were really supportive at the beginning,” said McKenna. “Paul had struggled with weight for several years, and we wanted him around. He lost forty pounds in no time, and looked great. But then things changed.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Giant, Mutated John Stockton Emerges from Japanese Forest; Vows Return to NBA

Friday, August 12th, 2016

 

 

 

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Heavy D. Mutated John Stockton displays defensive style he plans on bringing back to the NBA.

 

NEAR MOUNT FUJI, JAPAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Known as one of the greatest point guards in NBA history, not much has been heard from former Utah Jazz great John Stockton since his 2003 retirement. That is until yesterday, when the once 6’1’’ player emerged from the dreaded Aokigahara forest at the base of Mount Fuji a stunning seventy feet tall.

“What’s happened to him? Jesus Howard Christ! What in God’s name has happened to him?” said Rick Adams, an American scientist studying fossils in Hokkaido. “Perhaps it’s some kind of Napoleon Complex thing. I know he was short, but talk about overcompensating. And those teeth.” (more…)


Giant Crab Emerges From Pacific and Does Battle With Blake Griffin

Tuesday, July 26th, 2016
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Fallout Boy. This radioactive, mutated fella met his match when he battled Clippers star, Blake Griffin.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over four years since the Fukishima Nuclear Plant disaster, but reports of mutated, mammoth sized (but very dead) sea creatures washing up on the California coast linger.

Others claim the incidents are flat out hoaxes or at the very least, overly hyped tales of much lesser events. But even the most skeptical of critics scratched their collective head when a creature some Japanese islanders call Ebhira, emerged near Redondo Beach late yesterday afternoon.  The nearly twenty story high crab surfaced in the churning waters and made a direct path for the Staples Center where the LA Clippers call home. (more…)


Dr. J Forced to Perform Emergency Appendectomy

Monday, July 25th, 2016
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Thanks Doc. Julius saves the day.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. (more…)


Thunder Refuses To Play Inevitable 82-0 Warriors During 2016-17 NBA Season

Tuesday, July 5th, 2016
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We Are Warriors. Durant in the bay.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After losing Kevin Durant to the Golden State Warriors in free agency, the Oklahoma City Thunder say they’ll forfeit their games to Golden State Warriors during the upcoming season, and stay home. “Why travel halfway across the country to get blown out by 50 points?” said a despondent Russell Westbrook, Thunder guard and former Durant teammate. “They’re gonna win 82 games folks. 82-0. Mark my words. They won 73-9 without KD. I played with the dude, forget it man. Playing them is pointless. And I’ll tell you something, we won’t be the only team who refuses to play them.” (more…)


After Finals Loss, Steph Curry Drops Thousands of Game-Used Mouthpieces On Cleveland Fans

Monday, June 20th, 2016
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Getting Mouthy. Golden State Warriors superstar, Steph Curry’s little gift for the people of Cleveland.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled NBA MVP, Stephen Curry, frustrated after a Game 6 loss in Cleveland, infamously hurled his saliva-saturated mouthpiece into the crowd, striking a Cavaliers fan seconds after fouling out. He was ejected from the game as well. Apparently, the spritely shooting guard didn’t learn his lesson. After his Golden State Warriors were unable to close out the series on their home floor in Game 7, losing 93-89 to the Cavaliers, Curry hired a helicopter to dump a large cache of game-used mouthpieces over delirious Cavs fans. (more…)


From the Archives: Diners Fail to Aide League’s Most Flagrant Flopper During Life-threatening Choking Fit

Friday, May 6th, 2016

 

 

 

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After Monday’s shoot around prior to their game later that night against the Heat, the San Antonio Spurs’ Manu Ginobli came perilously close to losing his life as a result of his reputation as the league’s most frequent — and arguably most accomplished — flopper.

Ginobli was lunching at a popular bistro in South Beach when a piece of his tuna melt lodged in his throat, causing a violent coughing fit.  According to eye witnesses, annoyed diners rolled their eyes even as Ginobli thrashed violently about and crashed into a neighboring table, dramatically collapsing  to the floor, wide-eyed and aghast, as though catching a phantom elbow to the back of the head.

“We’ve seen it too many times before, no one was buying,” said Mitchell Reiner, a model who was grabbing take-out between before resuming his fashion shoot. “Plus, you’ve got to understand, a flop here in Miami is a fashion show that tanks. An over-emoting basketball player known for reacting to a stiff breeze like he was shot from a cannon isn’t going to get anyone’s attention.” (more…)


George “Set Shot” Slavish Dies During Unspectacular Open Court Layup

Tuesday, April 26th, 2016

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. (more…)