Archive for the ‘NBA’ Category

A TSD Classique: Entire Amish Community Unaware Native Son Plays in NBA

Tuesday, March 29th, 2016

Hoop Dreams! Jeremiah Zook is out in the world.

LANCASTER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jeremiah Zook, the 23 year old power forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves doesn’t see much playing time. Still, players and fans around the league know who he is.

Sadly, for Zook, there isn’t one person in his hometown who knows his whereabouts.

“We assume Jeremiah is out in the world among the English.” wrote Amish town elder, Jonas Platt of Lancaster in a letter to the Philadelphia Inquirer in September. “I’m sure he’s knee deep in all the technology and pretty lasses with revealing clothing and progressive ways – those lip licking harlots with the plaid skirts and knee socks and ambitions. Personally, wherever he may be, I wish he’d come home soon, as I’d like to turn over the fields for next growing season. Boy can work a hoe like no other.”  (more…)


A TSD Classique: Wilt Chamberlain’s 20,000 Women Banged Finally To Be Honored by NBA

Thursday, March 24th, 2016

One Hundreds Ways? More like 20,000 according to Wilt the Stilt.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Next week the most dominant player of his or arguably any era in professional basketball will receive a posthumous honor for his exploits off the court. Wilt Chamberlain, who passed away in 1999, won NBA titles in Philadelphia and Los Angeles and still holds several NBA records to this day, but perhaps no record is more astonishing than the amount of women the Hall of Famer professed he slept with.

Chamberlain boldly stated in his second autobiography, “A View from Above” that he had sex with 20,000 different women. Though the basketball great’s staggering claim has been refuted by many, the NBA still feels given Chamberlain’s status, it is fitting the achievement be officially recognized. “At first we wanted to get one large photo of all the ladies he screwed and raise it to the rafters of every arena in the league,” said NBA spokesman Larry Chismar. “But no one could find a lens that could photograph 20,000 women. So we’re just hoping to find a nice picture of a smiling Wilt with his dick in his hand. We think that’s significantly more appropriate.” (more…)


From the Archives: Huge Turd in Knicks’ Locker Room Toilet Still There After One Week

Monday, March 21st, 2016

It’s In There. Huge clump of crap holding it’s own.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A massive turd, possibly deposited by a New York Knicks player, remains in the third stall from the left inside the team’s locker room.

“I’d like to get to the bottom of this — in a manner of speaking.” said assistant locker room attendant, Joey “The Mop” Ciavelli. “This puppy’s a real fuckin’ behemoth — intact since it was left — it climbs up the sides of the bowl, breaking the water line. My guess is it’s either the work of (6’7” forward) Quincy Acy or (7’0’ forward-center) Jason Smith. It’s been there so long, it’s beginning to lose it’s aroma. I’m Italian, so I know aromas.”  (more…)


Actors Studio Honcho Says NBA Enables “Culture of Bad Acting”

Friday, March 11th, 2016

According to James Lipton, the insufferable boot-licking host of Actors Studio, NBA “acting” would embarrass even William Shatner.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — There was a time when drama meant a game that went down to the final seconds. Now, it just as often refers to the amateurish over-acting of NBA drama queens who wouldn’t know Constantin Stanislavski from Peja Stoyakavich.  James Lipton, the famously finicky host of Actor’s Studio, says that instead of working the refs, the NBA’s most blatant offenders should spend more time working on their “lamentably under-developed” acting chops. Lipton believes the “epidemic” of lousy acting is making an NBA game harder to sit through than a Steven Seagall movie. “The so-called acting we’re seeing out there on the floor is just abominable – where’s the motivation, where’s the inner anguish…it’s all just externalized claptrap without the emotional ballast that underpins a credible performance,” sniffed Lipton. “The primal shrieks, girlish gasps, absurd flopping, the wide-eyed looks of disbelief, the ironic smirks…bad, bad, bad. Just abysmal.” Lipton shuddered as though he’d just wakened to find himself in a pornographic Ed Wood film. “I’m not saying you can turn Kevin Garnett into Denzel Washington overnight,” said Lipton, “but with training, a Nicholas Cage-caliber performance is well within reach. Let’s face it, a Celtics-Heat game ain’t Shakespeare, but let’s not turn it into a poorly dubbed Japanese horror flick with turnovers, mental lapses and shoddy fourth quarter execution in the final reel.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

Friday, January 15th, 2016

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 76 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.”

Allen has had high level meetings with NBA Commissioner David Stern on how to strike any mention of the Knicks from all record books and return season tickets to every fan who ever existed.

“That’s the tough part,” said Allen. “Unfortunately, a Mr. Henry Needleman from Yonkers keeps insisting the team has another shot to make the playoffs next year. Granted, they’re better, but let’s not fool ourselves. Unless everyone is in complete agreement, the Knicks will continue to exist – like the universe and certain sections of New Jersey.” (more…)


From the Archives: Lifelong Knicks Fan Falls Helplessly in Love with Celtics

Monday, January 11th, 2016

 

 

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As he watched Paul Pierce pass Larry Bird to move into second place in franchise scoring as the Celtics won their fifth straight.against the Charlotte Bobcats, 47 year old Knicks fan Ira Berday found himself chewing on a bath towel and weeping uncontrollably. It was then that the New Jersey native now living in Boca Raton, Florida realized he’d fallen hard.

How a staunch Knicks fan who grew up with posters of Willis Reed and Walt “Clyde” Frazier on his bedroom walls, who lived and died with the Knicks of Bernard King, John Starks, Patrick Ewing – even Stephon Marbury for goodness sakes – could find himself starry-eyed over a team he once loathed is a mystery – particularly to Mr. Berday.

“Bro, a couple of years ago I found myself pulling for the Celtics, mostly because of KG – and I always liked Paul Pierce from a distance,” said Berday. “It was more of a Platonic thing, you know? But something happened mid-way through the Heat series. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with visions of Rondo in balletic slo-mo…during meetings I’m drifting off, flicking imaginary quick-release J’s ala Ray Allen. I knew I had it bad when I started daydreaming about kicking it on the beach with KG, sipping pina coladas and rubbing tanning lotion on his creamy smooth, coal-black shoulders.” (more…)


TSD Theatre Review: Don’t Waste Your Time with the Abysmal “Wilt Chamberlain Remembers”

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt

Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.

I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. (more…)


Knicks to Honor Woody Allen’s 80th Birthday; Expect Neurotic Perimeter Shooting

Tuesday, June 30th, 2015

Double Drivel. Woody Allen is salivating over his upcoming Knicks birthday bash.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Woody Allen will turn 80 in Decmeber. The former stand up comedian and TV writer turned legendary filmmaker has written and directed over forty films in a career that has spanned six decades. He also happens to be the New York Knicks’ number one fan (though Spike Lee might argue that claim).

The Knicks are planning a huge celebration to honor the renowned, bespectacled nebbish. Every fan will receive a plastic pair of signature Allen horn rimmed glasses, a copy of Albert Camus’ The Plague, and some string.

Current Cleveland Cavalier, and former Knick center, Timofey Mozgov, who hails from St.. Petersburg, Russia, is particularly thrilled to honor Allen.

“My family members and his family members were neighbors,” Mozgov said in reasonably impressive English. “That is, until my Uncle Sergei (Kosmonoff) rounded up group of his knuckle dragging Cossack buddies to run his family out of town. I’m ashamed for their actions, and here to make amends.” (more…)


Golden State Warriors Let Little Used Justin Holiday Hang Out in Locker Room For a Bit

Wednesday, June 17th, 2015
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Hi, I’m Justin. This undated photo shows how desperate Holiday is to see some PT.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Golden State Warriors won their first NBA title in 40 years defeating the Cleveland Cavaliers 105-97 in Game 6 Tuesday night in Cleveland. Small forward, Justin Holiday, who saw little or no time in the post-season sat patiently at the end of the bench hoping to see some playing time. When the Warriors clinched the title and the celebration began, a thrilled Holiday was told he’d be allowed to partake in a portion of the festivities.

“I think he had a sip of champagne and touched the trophy for a second which was proportionate to his contribution,” said All-Star guard and league MVP, Steph Curry. “I suppose we’ll see him back in Oakland, that is if he can find a Greyhound near the Econo Lodge he’s staying at.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Twenty-two Year Old Stuck in 1967 to Finally Get His Shot at the NBA

Tuesday, June 16th, 2015
Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-one years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2009 next week and begin an NBA career that’s been stalled for decades.

Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-five years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2014 next week and begin an NBA career this fall that’s been stalled for decades.

TRENTON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  — Corey Adams is 22 years old, and by his own admission hasn’t been able step out of the 1960’s. But he’s not speaking figuratively. Adams is not a 21st century kid living in the past by listening to his dad’s old Beatles 45’s or watching Get Smart on YouTube. He’s actually stuck in a time-space continuum and has lived the same day over and over, March 12, 1967, for the past forty-five years.

Adams has been able to communicate with those living in 2014 through a tiny spatial wormhole located just behind the tube of Brycreem on his dresser. (more…)


Local Guy Announces He Might Change Up Menu For NBA Finals Get-Togethers

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015
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All For Not. Mickey Foster’s Kitchen might remain eerily empty.

PARMA, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mickey Foster has been a Cavaliers fan since he was a boy. The thought of the Cavs returning to the NBA Finals has him going in several directions at once. He planned ahead, anticipating a deep run into the playoffs, and put in for his vacation time early. Foster has been the “go to” guy for several years when it comes to hosting sports parties for his friends. They’re all eager to attend every game at his house, but privately some have expressed concern about some menu modifications the 43 year old is planning. (more…)


Steph Curry Decorates James Harden’s Hotel Room in Warriors Colors

Thursday, May 28th, 2015
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Fallen On Harden Times. The Beard is down and out.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Golden State Warriors defeaed the Houston Rockets 104-90 to advance to the NBA Finals.  After having the game of his life on Monday night with 45 points, Houston Rockets star, James Harden had a night to forget Wednesday at the Oracle Arena. Thirteen turnovers, air balls, a crowd mockingly chanting his name, and 48 excruciating minutes or pure basketball torture later, Harden slowly meandered back to the sanctuary of his hotel room to begin the slow process of emotional healing. That’s when he was hit with the nail in the coffin — a room decked out in full Warriors blue and gold courtesy of Warriors star, and league MVP, Steph Curry. (more…)