Archive for the ‘Olympics’ Category

Swimming: Trump Claims He’ll Fill White House Pool With the Tears of Business Rivals

Monday, July 18th, 2016
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The Cool Pool. Trump plans to bust out some Olympian heroics in the famed White House swimming hole.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald J. Trump, says he plans on making “many, many great changes” upon taking up residence at America’s most famous address, should he win the 2016 race to the White House. (more…)


Sochi Closing Ceremonies Ends on Down Note as Giant Monster Attacks

Monday, February 24th, 2014
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Monster Smash. Kolov, a giant monster from the Black Sea, voices his displeasure on Sunday’s closing ceremonies.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the exception of a few technical glitches, the XXII Winter Olympics went smoothly – until last night’s closing ceremonies.

“We thought we had this problem licked.” said Olympic Village Assistant Security Coordinator, Segei Troffimov. “Um, yeah… well…this creature who lives at the bottom of the Black Sea has kinda given us fits in the past. I mean, we thought we had him contained. But someone fucked up.”

The creature, which local hill people refer to as Kolov, stands approximately 70 meters (229 ft) high, breaths radioactive fire, and shoots laser beams from its fingers. It emerged from the harbor at Sochi and began attacking everything is sight just as the closing ceremonies were wrapping up.   (more…)


Improving Bob Costas Claims He Won’t Suck Blood From NBC Execs

Friday, February 21st, 2014
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No Eyes in Team. Bob Costas, shown here, returned to the broadcast crew from NBC feeling much better.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Broadcaster Bob Costas’ return to the Olympic Games anchor desk was a welcome sight for many viewers, even with his eye infection still evident.

Costas was forced to take a six day hiatus after suffering pink eye in both eyes. The condition worsened to a point where a mutated Costas terrified fellow hotel guests and was seen skulking into the Sochi night.

“Life works that way sometimes.” the veteran broadcaster said. “One day you’re interviewing a gold medal winner from the heartland of America, the next you’re the victim of a horrible infection and ingesting large amounts of stray animal blood to satisfy your unquenchable thirst for blood – but, that’s show biz.” (more…)


Bob Costas’ Eye Infection Spreads to 97% of His Body

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014
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Not Ready for Prime Time. Bob Costas, shown here, plans to bounce back from infection.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Veteran sportscaster Bob Costas has been battling an eye infection since his arrival for the Winter Olympics in Sochi. Resorting to glasses, Costas has soldiered through and has done an admirable job anchoring the games for NBC.

However, last night upon his return to his hotel room, Costas apparently developed an immunity to his prescribed antibiotics, and things got out of hand as the infection spread to 97% of his body.   (more…)


Russian Skater Evgeny Plushenko Gets Perfect Score for Spectacular Dickishness

Tuesday, February 11th, 2014

 

TSD EXCLUSIVE OLYMPIC COVERAGE

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A Skate Which Will Live in Infamy. Evgeny Plushenko wins the gold for bold.

SOCHI, RUSSIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With a long history of arrogance that is nothing short of legendary, Olympic male figure skater, Evgeny Plushenko finally got what was coming to him, a perfect score of 10. The 10 was odd in itself, since the system for scoring is based on hundreds.

“I knew I’d done something fantastically wild and special, which of course isn’t out of the ordinary for me.” said the 31 year old Plushenko after learning he’d won a special, honorary gold medal for spectacular dickishness. “I’ve taken my braggadocio and all out brazenness to the mountaintop. And it is from that mountain kingdom I shall forever reign as the Prince of Pomposity, the Titan of Temerity, the Sultan of Sass, the Earl of Effrontery, the Imam of Insolence, and the Gerent of Gall. Now, you’ll excuse me as I bid you all a heartfelt ‘fuck you.’”  (more…)