Archive for the ‘Features’ Category

Sports Satire Site Ceases Operations Until Nation Re-Embraces Facts and Has Better Grasp of Line Between Fake and Real News

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016

The Sportsman’s Daily ends 10 year run as the go-to site for breaking sports satire

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Totally Faked Up. The blurry line of reality and bullshit spells doom.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) This year marked the tenth year anniversary of the Sportsman’s Daily, the place for palpably fake sports news. The founders of the site called it satire, as its mission was to reveal and ridicule the absurdity of prominent sports figures (and their mindless fans/apologists) making fools of themselves on the regular. While the majority of the stories appearing there had some — some — grounding in reality, the lines were often blurred — an inescapable byproduct of any satirical endeavor, which did cause occasional confusion, sometimes even anger when a reader would realize he or she’d been had, bamboozled, suckered, made to feel foolish, incompetent and/or stupid. Such are the unintended consequences of satire, though there are no cases on record of anyone storming a pizzeria because they misread a TSD story on Mike Piazza, or citizens rising up to counter stories mercilessly ripping entire cities for their sorry histories of sports ineptitude. (more…)


From the Archives: Another Paper Football Player Concussed; League to Investigate

Thursday, July 21st, 2016
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Roughing the Flicker. Paper champions getting hurt.

ROCKVILLE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Jimmy Hantzes enjoys playing paper football with his buddies during study hall at Robert F. Kennedy Middle School. This kind of activity has been going on for decades.  However, there’s an increasingly disturbing trend as the sport has evolved – career threatening injuries. Since one of the game’s great pioneers, Larry Bynon lost his eye a few years ago, a startling number of injuries have occurred.

Now, Hantzes has taken a field goal attempt off the skull and is paying dearly. The hard hit has resulted in a concussion.  (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Institutes Bold New Drug Policy; Employees Must Now Bring Their Own

Thursday, June 16th, 2016

No Good Weed Goes Unfinished. TSD Human Resources Director, Rita Lopez inspects the source of inspiration destined for the writer’s lounge.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent mandatory drug testing policy at the Sportsman’s Daily’s swanky penthouse offices in Boca Raton, Florida revealed that nearly everyone on staff was regularly using some sort of mind altering chemical assistance.

Company executives apparently looked the other way as staff creatives spent afternoons contemplating balls of yarn while luxuriating in a newfangled, 2.0 psychedelic xanadu.

“We’re talking about writers,” said TSD Editor-in Chief, Charles Epstein. “Naturally, in order to summon their inner William S. Burroughs-cum-Richard Hell, a long hit on the communal water bong depicting the busty likeness of a young Chrissy Evert is an occasional necessity. But the halcyon days of the company’s free flowing supply of weed, mushrooms, and blotter have sadly come to a screeching halt.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Sports Columnist Officially Runs Out of Ideas

Monday, December 7th, 2015

“I’m tapped.” Alan Taylor has officially run out of ideas — and it ain’t pretty.

SACRAMENTO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Sacramento Bee veteran sports columnist Alan Taylor is being observed in a nearby hospital for what doctors are calling a very puzzling phenomenon. The award winning writer suddenly and inexplicably ran out of ideas shortly after arriving at work about 9:45 yesterday morning.

As he got off the elevator a co-worker said “good morning” to him, and there was no response. “Nothing! I couldn’t come up with anything,” Taylor said from his hospital bed. “Not ‘hey,’ ‘what’s up?’ or even ‘hola’ – Nothing! There have been times when I’ve responded incorrectly or in a detached or pre-occupied manner, like when someone says ‘hello’ and I say ‘not bad, and you?’ but this time, I had zero response. I froze, and then it got worse.” (more…)


TSD Theatre Review: Don’t Waste Your Time with the Abysmal “Wilt Chamberlain Remembers”

Thursday, November 5th, 2015

by Clifford Kensington Stuffed Shirt

Wilting Away. The rotting corpse of basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain brought audiences to their feet – and right out the exits.

PHILADELPHIA (Special to TSD) Shows that open in Philadelphia often stay in Philadelphia and die a lonely, ghastly death – and for me, the death of Wilt Chamberlain Remembers couldn’t come soon enough.

I had the great misfortune of being caught in the crossfire – an innocent bystander of sorts – of a horrific crime. I was witness to the offensive injustice that was the hoop legend’s one man show last evening at the Walnut Street Theatre. (more…)


FEATURE: Curse of Sophie Continues to Hang Over Miami Marlins After Seven Years

Monday, August 31st, 2015

By Allison Testrake

 

 

 

 

MIAMI (Special to TSD) Though no one in the Miami Marlins organization will officially or freely admit it, the Curse of Sophie has been haunting the ball club for five years. There have of course been supposed curses on baseball teams in the past like the Curse of the Bambino on the Boston Red Sox and the Curse of Billy Penn on the Philadelphia Phillies. Both of those curses have been lifted over the past few years as both ball clubs have won championships. The Billy Goat Curse that sits like a dark cloud over the Chicago Cubs continues to this day, as the Northsiders haven’t played in a World Series since 1945, and haven’t won one since 1908.

Conversely, the Curse of Sophie is relatively new, but apparently packs a powerful wallop. Personally, I’m not much into curses, but this one admittedly has an intriguing backstory. (more…)


Learning to Love NASCAR…or Die Trying

Monday, March 14th, 2011

A Special Sportsman’s Daily Report:  Bert Gold files from inside the Checker Auto Parts 500 – literally inside, as he rode shotgun with NASCAR veteran Ricky Rudd.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – With the season’s Nextel Cup finale just one week away, there was a lot riding on Sunday’s Checker Auto Parts 500: would eventual winner Jimmie Johnson hold his 30-point lead en route to becoming the first two-time winner in the Chase format (he would), will his Hendrick Motorsports teammate Jeff Gordon close the gap (he didn’t)…and would I, your correspondent, manage to finish the race without needing to be airlifted to the nearest psychiatric hospital (continue reading).

While tensions at the Phoenix International Raceway ran high, no one was more tense than I, as I sat strapped in next to Ricky Rudd who let me ride shot-gun as he nears the end of a long and fairly uneventful career (he will be retiring from the sport following next Sunday’s race in Homestead, FL). Just moments before start time I began having second thoughts, but to run screaming from a high-performance race car in front of 80,000 excitable NASCAR fans didn’t strike me as a smart career move. So there I remained, nauseous and sweating, but vaguely determined to see it through and finally get to experience – and understand – what it is that makes NASCAR the hugely popular sport it is (second only to the NFL in terms of TV ratings).  (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Endorses Stephen Colbert for Next Academy Awards Host

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

"Report" With the Audience? Most definitely. At least we think so.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s not often we break from sports on this website – but Nation, our voice must be heard.

We really have no idea what James Franco was on Sunday night when he co-hosted the Oscars with Anne Hathaway, but whatever it was, pass it to the guy on your left, not us. We prefer a dry martini or at least weed that doesn’t make you act like a total asshole.

Franco seemed as out of place as Paris Hilton cracking wise with Norm Crosby at a Friars Club luncheon.

In a tradition that boasts stalwarts like Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal, its sobering to consider the hosts of the Academy Awards in recent years have been hit and miss – mostly miss. And speaking of miss, if this kind of piss poor hosting continues, we plan on missing it all together next year. (more…)


TSD Staffer on Retro Day: I Gotta Write on a Typewriter Now? This Fuckin’ Blows!

Monday, February 28th, 2011

Office Pace, Laid Back. TSD staffers enjoy cocktails and hors d'oeuvres on Retro Day.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happens in all sports. Throwback days.  Professional baseball and football in particular enjoy reaching back to a bygone era and having players don uniforms many feel best left undonned.

Still, fans get a kick out of the occasional trip back in time. That’s why this past Friday, Sportsman’s Daily management thought it would be fun as well as a morale booster to hold a mandatory Retro Day at the company’s swank penthouse offices in Boca Raton.

“I gotta write on a typewriters now? This fuckin’ blows,” said 23 year old satire wunderkind, Blake Parker. “I hope (Charles) Epstein and (Tom) Alexander realize its hard to satirize people when you’re constantly having to change your ribbons. I’ve only seen these archaic monstrosities in movies made before 1985. I wasn’t even alive in 1985.” (more…)


Sabres Being Buffaloed in Cairo

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Interchangeable? Many think so.

Interchangeable? Many think so.

CAIRO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the recent change of power in Egypt, one hockey franchise is giving an icy shoulder to the Muslim Brotherhood.

The Buffalo Sabres which entered the NHL back in the 1970-71 season is declaring a blizzard jihad, claiming copyright infringement on their once proud logo. Some time ago, the Disney Corporation threatened to file a lawsuit against the Islamist organization Hamas for a similar instance regarding Mickey Mouse. (more…)


What Could Be Worse Than the Max Curse?

Monday, February 21st, 2011

By Tom Alexander

Nothing But Net. Unless Max was around.

DAVIE, FL (Special to TSD) I was reminded this morning of an unusual stretch of my life by an old friend. It has to do with another old friend. This first friend is a public figure, a writer for a daily newspaper in Northeastern Pennsylvania, so I could use his name – Dave Konopki. He’s the sports editor for the Times Leader. Dave and I go back to 7th or 8th grade. We were ushers in each other’s weddings. We still talk quite frequently. Whenever I need to find out anything going on in my old hometown, Dave is the “go to” guy.

The other old friend is not a public figure, and quite frankly, we haven’t even seen each other in probably twenty-five years, so I’ll give him an alias and respect his privacy.

We’ll call him Max. (more…)


FEATURE: Tiger’s Never-Ending Epic Fall from Grace to Include Vicious Beatings and Shooting Spree

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

by Chet Lassiter, Special Golf Correspondent


Beaten by Tiger. Tiger Woods shows his form.

ORLANDO (Special to TSD) Tiger Woods’ personal and career free fall continued last week in Dubai. In an on course performance that included salty language and launching a hocker in plain view of the TV cameras, the character many sports writers have called “Evil T” has once again emerged.

(more…)