Archive for the ‘Boxing/Mixed Martial Arts’ Category

Professional Wrestler Suspended for Using Foreigner Instead of Foreign Object in the Ring

Friday, December 16th, 2016
You Wanna Complain? Arnold "The Chronic Complainer" Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

You Wanna Complain? Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

OMAHA, NE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz, a star wrestler in the fledgling Heartland Professional Wrestling Association (HPWA) was suspended for violating league rules last weekend by using a foreign object in his match against the Gargler. It was later discovered that the foreign object was actually a foreigner named Stavros Plakokefalos of Korinthos, Greece who was visiting his brother, Dimitrios, owner of the Olympia Diner on Omaha’s south side. (more…)


A TSD Classique: UFC’s Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell Rips Off Opponent’s Head and Dines on Torso

Monday, August 1st, 2016

Investigation Pending Immediately After Regurgitation

 

Mmm…tastes just like Gyros! Sporting a new doo, UFC superstar Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell holds up the severed head of defeated Greek-Cypriot challenger Spiros Kostayannis. This could be Kostayannis’ last bout.

PHILADELPHIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Ultimate Fighting Championship superstar Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell whose unorthodox fighting style has thrilled thousands of UFC fans might have crossed the line in his latest bout. At Philadelphia’s legendary Spectrum, a scheduled three rounder against Spiros Kostayannis went horribly wrong. Kostayannis, a Greek Cypriot who dreamed of competing in his first fight in the United States will apparently dream no more as he died almost instantly as Liddell’s controversial move three minutes and eight seconds into the second round left the twenty-nine year old challenger headless. The capacity crowd could only watch in horror as Liddell immediately gorged himself on Kostayannis’ torso in a bizarre ritualistic feeding frenzy. (more…)


Local Guy Returns to Work Just Five Days After Muhammad Ali’s Passing

Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
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Tire Cryer. Liscovich comes to grips.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chuck Liscovich, 54, has screwed up the courage to return to his job at Yanko’s Tire Service on Scranton’s South Side. The veteran Assistant Manager adored former World Heavyweight Champion, Muhammad Ali, most of his life, after meeting the boxer at his training camp in Deer Lake, Pennsylvania in the Pocono Mountains in 1973. (more…)


“Oh Shit!” Grampa Giampa Boots It On Live TV.

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012
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Boxing Fan Savors Side of Beef “Tenderized” by Smokin’ Joe

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

Joe Frazier prepares dinner.

LANCASTER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As the boxing world mourns the passing of heavyweight great Joe Frazier, who died yesterday at the age of 67, one of his die hard fans paid him a unique, yet fitting tribute.

In the movie Rocky, Sylvestor Stallone’s title character is shown in a meat locker getting in shape by pounding a side of beef,  inspired by a young Joe Frazier, who worked in a slaughterhouse and practiced his punches on hanging slabs of meat.

Morris Lester, a resident of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, dined on a side of beef the boxing legend pummeled  over fifteen years ago during a publicity event; Frazier was on hand to mark the opening of a new steakhouse.  Lester had the slab cut, packaged and frozen. (more…)


Holyfield to Fight Until His Brains Can Be Spread Over Warm Toast

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His body is as sculpted as it ever was, but at age 47, Evander Holyfield is, well, 47 – a point where the body starts to balk and bruises refuse to heal. But that’s not stopping the four time heavyweight champ from stepping into the ring January 16 to face 41-year-old Francois Botha. At stake is the World Boxing Federation heavyweight belt…and the grey gelatinous mass that sits uneasily inside his hardened cranium.
Holyfield’s family and friends have tried convincing the proud fighter to back out of the fight rather than risk further cognitive deterioration, but their pleas and entreaties have fallen on deaf (and/or uncomprehending) ears.
“Evander’s got a stubborn, Old Testament streak, like he’s been sent on some higher mission by the voices in his head,” said family friend Trent Patterson. “As a religious man myself I don’t discount the possibility. But in Evander’s case, I don’t know how he’s able to tell the difference between a revelation and the constant low-level buzz of misfiring synapses. The brother’s in no shape to be fighting a parking ticket, let alone some 7 foot Russian dude.”
Some in Holyfield’s circle have all but given up trying to bring the fighter around.
“At some point you realize it’s easier to just give in and enjoy the competition,” said Dr. Ben Fields, a long-time friend and advisor. “You just have to get over the sickening realization that the Evander Holyfield that went into the fight will bear little resemblance to the one immediately after it. And I’m not just talking about the swelling around the eyes and face…I’m talking about someone who will probably not remember the conversation you had three hours prior. Someone who may not even remember your name unless it’s spelled out phonetically on a flashcard and held up by a ring card girl to hold his fleeting attention.”
“I will say this: he looks great – a specimen even at that age!” crowed 46 year old Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer. “I can’t speak to his so-called fading mental abilities, but trust me: compared to some of the young guys we’ve got in the Phillies clubhouse, Evander’s Abe fucking Lincoln. It will take five consecutive years of relentless pounding for Evander to lose a game of Trivial Pursuit to some of those morons.”
Related News:  Inspired by Evander Holyfield, 79 Year Ex-Porn Star to “Re-enter the Ring”
SANTA MONICA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s been over 40 years since Rodney Ricks last performed under the lights as porn star Rick Rod, in the cult XXX classic, “Boys, Boys, Boys” (outtakes were later released under the title “More Boys, Boys, Boys,” leading to a series of lawsuits that effectively ended Ricks’ career in adult entertainment). But when he heard that 46 year old Evander Holyfield was stepping into the ring – against the advice and pleadings of his family and friends – Ricks immediately knew what he had to do.
“Soon’s I heard I got inspired, I felt something stir I ain’t felt in a long time,” said Ricks, motioning to his groin. “I called some friends in the business, told ‘em I had an idea.”
While Ricks has yet to hear back, he’s hoping the sight of a 79 year old penis straining to achieve an erection will be an inspiration to millions of men in their “later years,” showing them “it can still be done, and done moderately well, if only once in a very specific shade of blue moon.”
Developing…

Whatever happens in the ring, it's lights out for Evander Holyfield

Whatever happens in the ring, it's lights out for Evander Holyfield

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His body is as sculpted as it ever was, but at age 47, Evander Holyfield is, well, 47 – a point where the body starts to balk and bruises refuse to heal. But that’s not stopping the four time heavyweight champ from stepping into the ring January 16 to face 41-year-old Francois Botha. At stake is the World Boxing Federation heavyweight belt…and the grey gelatinous mass that sits uneasily inside his hardened cranium. (more…)


Mike Tyson: “The Whole Thing’s a Sham. I’m Actually a Shakespearian Actor”

Thursday, December 17th, 2009
I coulda been a contenduh. Instead of what I am, a revered thespian of the highest order. Ex-champ Mike Tyson runs some lines with fellow actors at the currently unnamed theatre he's trying to restore.

I coulda been a contenduh. Instead of what I am, a revered thespian of the highest order. Ex-champ Mike Tyson runs some lines with fellow actors at the currently unnamed theatre he's trying to restore.

Ex-Champ Talks with Sportsman’s Daily

The Sportsman’s Daily’s Carl Davies recently caught up with Mike Tyson who was visiting the neighborhood where he was born, the Brownsville section of Brooklyn, New York. Tyson was the world’s youngest heavyweight champion and is no stranger to controversy and legal troubles. But now, surprisingly, Iron Mike comes clean. Tyson speaks in his usual high pitched voice, but to our total surprise it is delivered in a tongue that is part British Received Pronunciation and Standard American Stage.

The Sportsman’s Daily: Mike, you’ve been flying under the radar of late. What are you doing here in Brooklyn?

Mike Tyson: Carl, I’m in the process of restoring this wonderful theatre. The building’s over one hundred years old, and I’d hate to see it fall victim to the wrecking ball. We’re currently rehearsing “Waiting for Buster Douglas” by Michael Vogel, a dazzling young talent I’m sure you’ll hear a lot more about. (more…)


With Phillies Loss in World Series, Philadelphia Fans Turn Sights to Rocky VII

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

Yo Philly! Stallone lays it on the line with a devastated city.

Yo Philly! Stallone lays it on the line with a devastated city.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The defending champion Philadelphia Phillies couldn’t not stave off elimination for a second time in Game Six of the 2009 World Series as the New York Yankees captured their twenty-seventh World Championship.

The clutch hitting of series MVP Hideki Matsui propelled the Yanks to a 7-3 victory and celebration in the Bronx.

Conversely, the mood on the streets of the City of Brotherly Love was somber. (more…)


Chemical Ali Wants One More Bout with Joe Frazier Before Being Executed

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

 

“You want a piece of me? Well, that can be arranged by combining Ammonium Oxalate and Rhodamine B,” says Chemical Ali

“You want a piece of me? Well, that can be arranged by combining Ammonium Oxalate and Rhodamine B,” says Chemical Ali

 

 

BAGHDAD, IRAQ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti, the former Iraqi Defense Minister known as Chemical Ali, learned last Thursday that he would be executed within the month. Upon hearing the news, Ali made only one request, that he have one last fight with former World Heavyweight Champion Joe Frazier in a scheduled fifteen round boxing match. (more…)


Scared…but in a good way

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

mike-tysonI came across this earlier today in Page Six of the NY Post:

“That guy scares me,” Iron Mike told Page Six at the premiere of James Toback‘s documentary, “Tyson,” at Loews near Union Square. “I wouldn’t want to be in a room with that guy.”

Yeah, me either. I don’t know where you were when Iron Mike was kicking ass, but the self-proclaimed “baddest man on the planet” was, for that brief span of time, the baddest man on the planet — maybe with the exception of a handful of Russian mobsters.  He had guys whupped on their way into the ring — I distinctly remember poor, shaken Marvis Frazier and Michael Spinks, looking like they’re ready to surrender well before getting  KO’d in the first round. But what I also remember are my own sweaty palms and racing pulse — there was nothing like the raw animal fear you felt just  watching it at home — or at a bar — as Tyson , sans robe, menace rolling off him like black fog, made his way into the ring.  Then, boom, one, two, three rounds later, it’s all over…and the relief you feel, as if you’ve just pulled yourself out of a bad dream.  Where can you go to get that these days, assuming you don’t have the benefit of an amply stocked medicine cabinet?


FROM THE VAULT: Classic TSD Stories

Monday, April 20th, 2009

chemicalali

Frazier vs. AliChemical Ali, that is.


USA/

RodDICK Move Andy Splits with Brother


Curb Your Enthusiasm (if you can)

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

On April 11, HBO is showing a doc on the Thrilla in Manilla, the epic 1975  Frazier-Ali battle — the third in their “trilogy.”  Here’s a description from VSL (www.veryshortlist.com), an excellent service, btw.  

When Smokin’ Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali first squared off, in 1971, they were fast friends and undefeated fighters. By the time of their third fight, in the Philippines in 1975, they’d been humbled and hardened, and had turned into bitter enemies.

Ali warmed up for the bout by calling Frazier “gorilla” and “Uncle Tom.” Frazier bit his tongue and fumed. The fight was brutal; the aftermath, ugly: Today, Ali is a shadow of his former self, and just last year, Frazier was living in the back of a Philadelphia gym. The Channel 4 documentary Thrilla in Manila is fiercely partisan on Frazier’s behalf. It’s also disturbing (Frazier claims responsibility for, and revels in, Ali’s physical decline), surprising (Imelda Marcos pops up as one of the interviewees), and riveting. Don’t miss the HBO premiere, on April 11.