How’s Yer Foot Taste? Sergio Garcia plans to make amends.

LONDON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of his insensitive remark about serving fried chicken to Tiger Woods, fellow PGA pro, Sergio Garcia not only apologized to the world’s number one golfer, but wanted to show good faith.

“I’m really sorry if I offended Tiger.” Garcia said. “And to show I mean business, I plan on equally offending other golfers. I’m kicking things off by making Surströmming for Henrik Stenson, Boxty for Rory McIlroy and Bangers and Mash for Justin Rose.”

Stenson was not amused.  (more…)

Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” (more…)

Crank It. Just one of the many new quirks.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Cardinals outfielder Carlos Beltran is no different than almost every other Major Leaguer; he has his own set of batter’s box rituals between pitches. 

Most fans are very familiar with a batter’s distinct style of preparing to make contact with the pitcher’s offering; spitting, crotch adjustment, neck tilts, flexing, praying, elbow pumping – the list seems endless.  But now Beltran is raising the bar. 

“Well, the first thing I do is pleasure myself before each at bat,” the veteran outfielder said. “I generally think of Gwyneth Paltrow, or, if there’s a hot babe in the Founder’s Section, I’ll think of her as I rub up against my bat in the on-deck circle.

(more…)

A Hearse for the Horse? Bet on it, if Orb doesn’t follow orders at Belmont.

BALTIMORE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A lot of people were hoping to see the first Triple Crown winner for the first time in 35 years. It didn’t happen. Orb, winner of the Kentucky Derby two weeks ago was unable to capture the second leg of horse racing’s top honor when he came in fourth at the Preakness. With Oxbow victorious, a lot of people lost money.

Micinelli Crime Family member, Rocco “The Agonizer” Gugotz (AKA Rocco the Cleaver, Jimmy Balls, The Creeping Flesh, Mindfucker) visited Orb in his stable three hours after the race as the thoroughbred was dining on some oats and a ’58 Cote de Nuits Villages Etoile.  (more…)

Three Rivers Me Timbers. The most interesting moment the Pirates have had in more than fifteen years.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the wee hours of Friday morning a small ship transporting iron ore on the Monongahela River was seized and boarded by six members of the Pittsburgh Pirates. There were seven crew members on the small ship registered to the United States. (more…)

Hand-me-down: This 1958 can of chewing tobacco has made the trip from Talladega to Richmond to Watkins Glen to Charlotte providing plenty of permanent gum damage to three generations.

SAVANNAH, GA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Cletus Tompkins calls himself Georgia’s proudest NASCAR fan. The fifty-three year old truck driver has been following NASCAR since his dad Earl took him to his first Daytona 500 in 1968.

“I learned it real good from Daddy,” the Liberty Truck Line veteran said. “The NASCAR lifestyle means you gotta have the right kinda chewin’ tobacco, the right kinda music, the huge confederate flag flappin’ in the breeze out the back of your Dodge pickup, a case of warm Schlitz, biscuits and gravy, and a deep hatred for anyone whose name ends in a vowel.”

When told most NASCAR fans detest being thought of as racist, backwoods, trailer trash and are in fact affluent, educated and multi-cultural, Tompkins said he prefers to cling to tradition.

(more…)

Lost in Translation. This undated photo shows an overseas office bustling with sports satire that may be hard hitting, but dripping with ambiguity.

The Problem: Sports Humor Lost in Translation

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the cost of satire on the rise, The Sportsman’s Daily made a bold move last December by outsourcing a bulk of its satirical writing overseas.  The sense of excitement in the company’s main office soon turned to one of profound frustration.   (more…)

Solo can you go? Kobe Bryant announces his decision to start a solo career next season. .

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kobe Bryant, the enigmatic star of the Los Angeles Lakers announced he was leaving the team to embark on a solo basketball career. Bryant claims creative differences as the reason for his decision.

“It’s been nice touring around with the guys and hearing all the cheers from fans across the country,” said Bryant. “But there are just certain things only a solo career can give me – a more intimate level of communication, a truer expression of my inner voice. It’s really nothing against the guys. I just need the ultimate freedom to create the way I know how to create.” (more…)

A meal fit for a Prince. Tigers’ slugger Prince Fielder has some serious eating to do. And he’ll get first crack at this bad boy.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Detroit Tigers rotund slugger Prince Fielder has asked Director of Clubhouse Operations Larry Corsica to have his locker moved along side of the team’s buffet table. “I had to walk past Alex Avila, Justin Verlander and a slew of reporters just to get to the pizza, pasta and pierogies,” Fielder bemoaned. “By the time I got there it was picked over and breathed on – drops of spittle from Lord knows who. That’s bullshit. But no more.”

“Prince is one of the leaders of this ball club,” said manager Jim Leyland. “He’s a star in this town – a very large star. And with a professional eater of Prince’s stature…well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get in his way when he’s fixin’ to get his chops around a plate of Veal Scaloppini.” (more…)

Who? What? Where? The Phillie Phanatic down but not out as his freaky but admittedly hot assailants ran rampant.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The Phillie Phanatic, one of the most popular and lovable mascots in sports was beaten mercilessly last night shortly after the Phillies 2-1 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Phanatic was at home in South Philadelphia watching the game on TV. Just after the loss,  there was a knock at the door. That’s when he was confronted by three assailants believed to be females from a rogue offshoot of an apocalyptic mascot group associated with video games promotions.

“This happens sometimes.” said Conrad Bitner, Marketing Director for Sludge LLC, a game making company. “We hire professional actors to appear as mascots at store openings and promotional events. Sadly, on occasion, a group will splinter off into a roving band of heartless thugs and wreck havoc on unsuspecting citizens. We apologize to the Phillies, their fans, and especially Mr. Phanatic for the unrelenting beating he endured. We hope he bounces back more effectively than the team would down by three runs with runners in scoring position and less that two outs.”   (more…)

Operate on this Biotch! Hall of Famer basketball legend Julius Dr. J Erving had to take a break from this autograph signing session to save Horace Finster by removing his appendix.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. (more…)

He’s History. TSD archivist goes into the big vault in the sky.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.

Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.

“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.” (more…)