Stock in Hock. This kid’s hocker is still soaring.

SILVER SPRING, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On Tuesday and in the company of best friends, Mike Hebda and Steve Kern, thirteen year old Jerry Shimmelbush unleashed a loogie 13.2 feet, from the middle of Highland Drive, over a picket fence and onto the hood of Mrs. Lester’s Ford Focus.

“I really pulled that one up from my toes.” beamed Shemmelbush, the middle child of Carl and Anna Shimmelbush. “There was a significant amount of mucus in it to give it some body. I’d say 60% mucus and 40% saliva, with a few strands of blood for aesthetics.” (more…)

Space Ball. A-Rod’s career is somewhere out there – we think.

MOUNT PALOMAR, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a controversial career with plenty of highs and lows, New York Yankees infielder, Alex Rodriguez continues to recover from hip surgery and figure out next steps. With his playing days basically on life support, A-Rod is merely a blip on the radar screen.

Now, astronomers at Mount Palomar Observatory in California will experiment with a special lens which they’ll attach to the institute’s massive telescope in the hopes they’ll spot a fading patch of light or gaseous trail that was once part of a streaking bright light.  (more…)

Leave it to Cleaver. Kobe vents a bit.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After watching his Lakers get swept out in four games by the San Antonio Spurs, an injured Kobe Bryant secured an immense meat cleaver from the bowels of the Staples Center and began hacking at teammates, opponents, and passersby.

“He just walked in and demanded I fork over the cleaver.” said Jacques Legrande, the Paris-based team nutritionist and chef, as he was preparing a post game meal of Coq au vin, Truffade, Choucroute gamie, and pulled pork. “When he hits you with the death stare, you have no choice but to comply.”  (more…)

Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home last Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustle on November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it. (more…)

Met Me in St. Louis! This undated photo clearly shows Mr. Met hitting his mark in one of his early porn efforts shot while the team was on the road playing the Cardinals. Met, who doesn’t often travel with the team, insisted at the time the trip was only about baseball.

FLUSHING QUEENS, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— In a shocking development that occurred late last night, ownership announced that long time Mets mascot Mr. Met has been fired.

Met (Metropolitan), who has delighted fans of all ages for generations, apparently also delighted in making hardcore adult films during the off season. Met produced and directed many of the films he starred including Getting to Third, My Head Is a Ball, and Between the Stitches Part IV.

“He set up shop in Brooklyn,” said Mets spokesperson Jerry Kellerman. “It was a fairly sophisticated operation and perfectly legal by the way, but we just can’t employ a mascot who runs around the stadium handing out refrigerator magnets to moms, dads, and nine year olds during a home stand then turning around and having women dressed as ball girls double tonguing his taint.” (more…)

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. (more…)

Smoke-a-Dubee. Hensley Dawson, a (like totally huge) proponent of marijuana use, stumbled out of the stands in Miami during a Marlins-Phillies game and attempted to smoke Phillies pitching coach, Rich Dubee. He was arrested moments later. Dawson said he found Dubee a bit harsh and full of seeds and stems.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — A recent series between the Philadelphia Phillies and Miami Marlins brought plenty of thrills in an early season, but exciting National League East race. Still, that excitement was nothing compared to the incident that occurred during the series’ final game. A Marlins fan came sauntering out of the upper deck, was somehow able to sneak past security, and sit down next to Phillies pitching coach Rich Dubee in an attempt to smoke him.

Hensley Dawson has been a South Florida resident for nearly two years and the Jamaican native says he’s planned getting to Dubee since he’s been in the United States.

“The Jamaican culture demands that our people explore all the possibilities of expanding our consciousness man,” said Dawson. “With a name like Dubee, I was pretty sure that by just taking a long drag on him, I’d have myself my own personal little transcendental event. Of course, I was wrong.” (more…)

Something Foul Afoot. Pablo Sandoval balls deep into the stands at Wrigley.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) San Francisco Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval says he can’t help himself, it’s just the way he plays. Sandoval has a penchant for going all out for foul balls. In a recent game in Chicago’s Wrigley Field he once again dove into the stands irritating stadium officials.

“Just as fans will quickly be escorted from the park if they fall onto the field in an attempted to snag a foul, the opposite must also be enforced. Enough is enough.” said Wrigley Field Director of Security, Horace X. Cromwell.  (more…)

Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. (more…)

Harping on Harper. The kid claims he’s trying to do the right thing.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals second year sensation Bryce Harper is still feeling his way through the rough and tumble world of Major League Baseball. Yesterday in Miami he missed the team bus to Marlins Park and was late for workouts.

(more…)

Play Zappa! It’s the 7th-inning stretch folks!

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Take Me Out to the Ball Game has been a seventh-inning stretch tradition for generations. Along with Happy Birthday, it is perhaps the most familiar sing-along most everyone know the words to.

But, like a nation grows weary of a stale scandal, this supposed time-tested tune is being replaced.

“Borrrring,” said 74 year old Stan Siricki. “Personally I feel just like every other self-respecting baseball fan does. Give us more Frank Zappa.” (more…)

Hole-y Shit! “Get in the hole” guy Larry Barker gets to live by his words. In a manner of speaking.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Springtime in Georgia means The Masters.  And the first leg of the grand slam always seems to feature all the spectacular drama one would expect with exciting headlines like Adam Scott being the first Australian champion. Then there’s the story of Larry Barker.

Barker, perhaps the most annoying fan the sport has known, was again unable to control is bombastic “get in the hole” chants, especially with Tiger Woods hitting off the tee.

After repeated pleas to stop, angered Augusta National officials had no choice but to place the 41 year old unemployed lumberjack in a deep hole. (more…)