Archive for the ‘College Sports’ Category

From the Archives: Jerry Sandusky’s Private Paterno Eulogy Impresses Roman Polanski

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

 

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The Sandy Man Can. Jerry Sandusky eulogizes JoePa in his own special way.

STATE COLLEGE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled former Penn State assistant coach and accused child molester, Jerry Sandusky eulogized legendary head coach Joe Paterno yesterday in a private ceremony from his backyard seen on closed circuit television by a selected group of relatives and friends, including iconic film director, Roman Polanski. (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


A TSD Classique: After Humiliating Loss, Quasimodo to Return to Notre Dame to Play Hunchback

Thursday, October 6th, 2016

Hunch Break. Quasimodo mugs for camera as the Fightin’ Irish break during a recent summer practice.

SOUTH BEND, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Apparently even a 42-14 pounding in a title game isn’t enough to keep this team down.  First there was Rudy, the inspiring story of an against-all-odds player making the Fightin’ Irish football team; now this. Quasimodo, the famed bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame will return to the school from where he was banned 182 years ago in an attempt to make the football team in 2013.

A towering figure in Victor Hugo’s literary masterwork The Hunchback of Notre Dame, from 1831, Quasimodo, a hideous malformed hunchback, was mostly associated with Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris as the church‘s chief bell ringer. But, unbeknownst to most people, he did appear in two scrimmages for Notre Dame University during the late 1800’s when the team was then known as “The Catholics” instead of the Fightin’ Irish, which became the official team name in 1927. (more…)


From the Archives: Another Paper Football Player Concussed; League to Investigate

Thursday, July 21st, 2016
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Roughing the Flicker. Paper champions getting hurt.

ROCKVILLE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Jimmy Hantzes enjoys playing paper football with his buddies during study hall at Robert F. Kennedy Middle School. This kind of activity has been going on for decades.  However, there’s an increasingly disturbing trend as the sport has evolved – career threatening injuries. Since one of the game’s great pioneers, Larry Bynon lost his eye a few years ago, a startling number of injuries have occurred.

Now, Hantzes has taken a field goal attempt off the skull and is paying dearly. The hard hit has resulted in a concussion.  (more…)


NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2016

Thursday, May 26th, 2016

Deprived Fans of Both Schools Finally Getting Gridiron Programs

 

Gimme an H!! And whatever loose change you’ve got handy. Jimmy Casey attended the School of Hard Knocks in the early 70’s and is thrilled to see his alma mater finally field a football team.

 

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Thrilled” is how one Electoral College fan put it. “Finally” is what a School of Hard Knocks booster said while enjoying a steaming bowl of gruel. In a move that has been long overdue, two great American institutions have gotten the go ahead to field football teams for the 2016 season. They’ll play their first game on September 1st.

“What better way to debut both teams than oppose each other in their inaugural game?” said Carter Miller, an elector from the sprawling campus of the Electoral College. “I can hardly wait till kick off.” (more…)


Crusty, Old Bastard Hates College Football “Cuz of Dem College Boys”

Friday, May 20th, 2016

Piss Off! This old coot hasn’t got the time for college anything.

CHELSEA, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Norbert McGillicuddy, a 60 year fixture among Boston area sea goers, hates this time of year. That’s when some of his younger, co-workers start talking about the upcoming college football season.

“I hate this crap,” seethed the peg-legged, 77 year old lobster fisherman. “Every year it’s the same thing – ‘Boston College this and Boston College that.’ Nothin’ but a bunch of entitled, rich college boys playin’ a kid’s game. Why don’t they go out an do some real man’s work, like battling a giant octopus or dippin’ yer mitts in a cauldron of boiling water yankin’ out freshly killed lobsters? Huh? Pansies, all of ‘em! What do I give a crap about two a days for? How about gettin’ up at 4AM in 20 degree weather and swabbin’ the deck knee deep in fish guts? I hope these young buttercups I work with understand the meaning of an honest days work.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Satan to Finally Cut All Ties, Endorsements with Jerry Sandusky

Friday, April 15th, 2016

What the Hell? Jerry Sandusky’s perplexed by the news Satan is dropping him.

HELL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Satan, also known as the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Father of Lies and Prince of Darkness, an early supporter of former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, has announced he will cut ties with the convicted child molester.

“It’s really in our best interest down here to just wipe the slate clean and let Jerry go on his merry way.” chimed Satan. “After all, we do have our standards. I’d like to add parenthetically that I’ve placed a curse on him just for shits and giggles. He’ll experience extreme abdominal discomfort and poo some rusty pins. It’s an oldie but a goodie.”  (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Staying With Tradition; Will Issue NCAA Bracket Picks Immediately After Tournament Ends

Thursday, March 17th, 2016

 

 

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No Fool in the Office Pool. TSD refuses to get caught up in the bracket hysteria and says it won’t issue it’s bracket until after tourney time.

BOCA RATON  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Sportsman’s Daily has announced today it will wait on filling out and issuing its NCAA brackets until after the tournament has ended.

 

“There’s a lot of uncertainty and lack of confidence around the world right now,” said TSD legal team member Howard Plotnick. “We think it wouldn’t be prudent to add to the global hysteria with inaccurate or irresponsible prognosticating. We realize there are some, perhaps in the traditional sports reporting outlets, who might suggest we’re hedging our bets, but I assure you, our interests are for our fans.” (more…)


Class Clown Leads Basketball Team to District Championship

Monday, January 18th, 2016

 

Clown Throws it Down. Class Clown, Anthony Gorbis is a powerhouse center and a laughs getter.

WESTON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Anthony Gorbis, an 18 year old senior at Coconut Tech, poured in 32 points last night as his Coladas rolled over the Lincoln High School Pioneers 81-66 to win the Tri-County district championship.

Gorbis, long known as the class clown, has been at odds with his coaches, teammates and even the Florida Interscholastic Athletic Association (FIAA), for squirting seltzer in the eyes of opponents, throwing pies in the face of opposing coaches, and coming out for warmups naked.

“He’s a real class clown,” said former Coconut Tech shooting guard, Bobby Larabee, the team’s all-time leading scorer, now 44. “I try to make all the games, and you just never know what this kid’s gonna do.”

“It’s not often you see the best athlete in school also be such a cut up,” said sports psychologist, Dr. Constantine Kyriazis. “I’ve been observing Anthony since his sophomore year, when he dropped 26 on Shula Prep while wearing a thong. It’s clearly a cry for attention, but I don’t care what you say, this motherfucker’s funny.” (more…)


Juilliard to Add Football Program in 2015; Renowned Cellist Yo-Yo Ma to Lead Search Committee for Head Coach

Monday, June 22nd, 2015

Juilliard freshman Gunther Paulsson displays “game face” before taking the field for intra-campus exhibition football game. Paulsson plans on trying out for a position on the team’s offensive line, where his heft, booming baritone and heroic golden pigtails are best suited.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)— If you can knock out two flawless etudes, break off a dazzling solo and nail a representative sampling of standard orchestral excerpts – all under the withering scrutiny of the school’s famously demanding faculty — you stand a chance of playing Juilliard football in the fall of 2014. With more musical prodigies per square inch than perhaps anywhere else on earth, Juilliard is the last place one would expect to have a football program. But in just two years, the fabled Juilliard campus will fill with the sounds of Chopin, Mozart and the violent cacophony of helmets colliding in ¾ time.

“For years, famous alums and board members lobbied for a football program on par with the Ivies,” said Juilliard President Joseph W. Polis. “We’ve resisted, since the fierce contact you tend to see in football is not automatically conducive to world class musicianship. I don’t care if you’re a 275 pound cellist or an oboist built like a brick shithouse, you get caught under a pile of Harvard undergrads, you’re putting your fingering technique at grave risk.” (more…)


Fan Brings Baseball Glove to NCAA Tourney in Hopes of Snagging Foul Basketball

Monday, March 23rd, 2015

Hoop, There It Is? No. The bizarre Cornelius Blake came up empty.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Wichita State’s dynamic run to the Sweet Sixteen has been special, but Cornelius Blake, one of the school’s freshmen, and math major was getting all the attention.

Blake received awkward stares when he brought his first baseman’s glove to the game in the hopes off snagging an errant basketball in the stands. He was seated in row F, seat 12 in section 110. “I had some good looks at a couple of balls, but I went home empty handed,” the bespectacled frosh quipped in what may be the most dazzling double entendre of the entire tournament. “I was disappointed — let’s just leave it at that.” (more…)


NCAA Football: Electoral College to Play School of Hard Knocks Beginning in 2015

Wednesday, July 30th, 2014

Gimme an H!! And whatever loose change you’ve got handy. Jimmy Casey attended the School of Hard Knocks in the early 70’s and is thrilled to see his alma mater finally field a football team.

Deprived Fans of Both Schools Finally Getting Gridiron Programs

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Thrilled” is how one Electoral College fan put it. “Finally” is what a School of Hard Knocks booster said while enjoying a steaming bowl of gruel. In a move that has been long overdue, two great American institutions have gotten the go ahead to field football teams for the 2015 season. They’ll play their first game on September 3rd.

“What better way to debut both teams than oppose each other in their inaugural game?” said Carter Miller, an elector from the sprawling campus of the Electoral College. “I can hardly wait till kick off.”

Students, faculty, and boosters from both schools received the news Sunday evening. At the Electoral College, electors were having their monthly black tie gala when Albert Kensington asked the orchestra to stop playing so he could make the announcement amid polite applause and champagne corks popping. At the School of Hard Knocks, word spread quickly when Leo Delaney carved the news with a knife on the long decaying naked body of Herb Casterline after hearing about it on the school’s 1939 Zenith radio. (more…)