Archive for the ‘College Sports’ Category

Crusty, Old Bastard Hates College Football “Cuz of Dem College Boys”

Thursday, July 10th, 2014

 

PIss Off! This old coot hasn’t got the time for college anything.

CHELSEA, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Norbert McGillicuddy, a 60 year fixture among Boston area sea goers, hates this time of year. That’s when some of his younger, co-workers start talking about the upcoming college football season.

“I hate this crap,” seethed the peg-legged, 77 year old lobster fisherman. “Every year it’s the same thing – ‘Boston College this and Boston College that.’ Nothin’ but a bunch of entitled, rich college boys playin’ a kid’s game. Why don’t they go out an do some real man’s work, like battling a giant octopus or dippin’ yer mitts in a cauldron of boiling water yankin’ out freshly killed lobsters? Huh? Pansies, all of ‘em! What do I give a crap about two a days for? How about gettin’ up at 4AM in 20 degree weather and swabbin’ the deck knee deep in fish guts? I hope these young buttercups I work with understand the meaning of an honest days work.” (more…)


25,000 Americans Expected to Lose Mind During March Madness

Monday, March 24th, 2014

 

scream

Oh the Insanity!! Edvard Munch had it right years ago. This is the look of March Madness.

NORTH TEXAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — March Madness is in the air. It’s also in the water. And after three weeks of heart-stopping action, it will be seriously afflicting thousands of fans across the nation, some of whom will require months of counseling and care before they are able to regain their capacity to function as nominally productive human beings.

The NCAA tourney is one of the year’s most eagerly anticipated sporting events. The build-up itself is fraught with mounting anxiety as fans await rankings and seedings, poring over and debating various statistical models, some of which require an advanced degree in differential calculus to grasp. Then, for three weeks, tens of thousands of fans across the nation are consumed with brackets and betting pools, exhilarating late-game heroics and devastating, soul-crushing last-minute defeats. Up, down, down, up, every game a gut-wrenching emotional roller-coaster. (more…)


NCAA: Tenn Vols in Violation After Uncle/Booster Buys Justin Worley Birthday Dinner

Friday, August 23rd, 2013
ribs

Rib Injury. This might be the most expensive dinner in Tennessee history.

KNOXVILLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NCAA has been gathering evidence for nearly nine months, but feels confident stinging sanctions are in the future for the University of Tennessee’s football program.

According to reports, Junior quarterback Justin Worley joined his uncle, Dan Worley, as well as two cousins, for dinner at Calhoun’s on the River in Knoxville last November 20th.

“A casual dinner of this sort seems typical and nothing out of the ordinary.” said NCAA spokesperson, Nathan Lawrence. “But, unfortunately for Justin Worley, his uncle also just happens to be a Tennessee football booster. So buying him anything is a no-no. It’s a violation of the first order, and we’re pursuing this matter.”  (more…)


Louisville’s Kevin Ware Breaks Up in Twelve Separate Pieces; Vows Comeback

Monday, April 8th, 2013
Duke vs. Louisville

Ware Am I? Kevin Ware is dealing with a lot more than a fractured tibia.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After his horrific leg injury on March 31st against the Duke Blue Devils, Louisville Cardinals guard, Kevin Ware plans on cheering on his team as they play the Michigan Wolverines for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Division I National Championship.

Sadly for Ware, his body has now fallen apart into twelve pieces scattered over a 1,200 square foot area.

“Yeah, my neck is over there, my arms are in the bushes, my torso is out in the grass, and what not.” said Ware. “I’d like to walk this off, but my legs are on the roof.”  (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Staying With Tradition; Will Issue NCAA Bracket Picks Immediately After Tournament Ends

Friday, March 15th, 2013

No Fool in the Office Pool. TSD refuses to get caught up in the bracket hysteria and says it won’t issue it’s bracket until after tourney time.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Sportsman’s Daily has announced today it will wait on filling out and issuing its NCAA brackets until after the tournament has ended.

“There’s a lot of uncertainty and lack of confidence around the world right now,” said TSD legal team member Howard Plotnick. “We think it wouldn’t be prudent to add to the global hysteria with inaccurate or irresponsible prognosticating. We realize there are some, perhaps in the traditional sports reporting outlets, who might suggest we’re hedging our bets, but I assure you, our interests are for our fans.” (more…)


Warner Brothers Hires Manti Te’o As New Director of Fantasy

Thursday, January 17th, 2013

The Hoax on Who? Manti Te'o goes Hollywood.

BURBANK, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his marvelously plotted and critically acclaimed “girlfriend hoax,” Notre Dame football sensation, Manti Te’o may be leading a dual career; Football and Hollywood mogul.

Motion picture and media powerhouse, Warner Brothers have offered the former Heisman Trophy candidate a high six figure salary to head up their fantasy department.  (more…)


Tuesday, January 8th, 2013


“Johnny Football” Manziel’s Dad Nicknames Deadbeat Brother Jimmy “Total Disappointment” Manziel

Friday, December 7th, 2012

Bad Seed. Johnny's a first seed and Jimmy's the bad seed.

TYLER, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the eve of the Heisman Trophy being named, freshman phenom quarterback, John “Johnny Football” Menziel is among the favorites to capture the coveted award given to the top collegiate player in the nation. No freshman has ever won the award. Many people however feel that can change on Saturday night. Manziel, the record breaking pass thrower at Texas A&M, has been breaking records left and right, and thrilling the football hungry state. Back home in Tyler, he’s a hero. In his own home specifically, his parents are waiting with baited breath for the Heisman announcement.   (more…)


A TSD Classique: Women’s Volleyball Player “Got All Exorcist-like” at Halloween Party

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

 

 

Playing Like a Woman Possessed. Volleyballer Carly Rosetti is quite devilish.

 

LOWER GWYNEDD TOWNSHIP, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carly Rosetti, a 20 year old spiker on the Gwynedd-Mercy College women’s volleyball team, joined her teammates on Tuesday night for a Halloween party thrown by the team’s coaches. Approximately forty-five minutes into the party, it was quite apparent something sinister was afoot.

“The ladies were enjoying themselves.” said assistant coach Louise Brickell. “Then suddenly Carly began speaking in a guttural Latin tongue, started convulsing, and eventually projectile vomited what appeared to be the partially digested remains of Larry Parkanski, the men’s wrestling coach.” (more…)


Calipari’s One Fan Throws Party After NCAA Championship

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

Party Time. Clark Ziffle bubbling over with excitement.

LEXINGTON, KY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Clark Ziffle, 31, president of the John Calipari Fan Club, held a party in honor of the Kentucky men’s basketball program’s head coach, after the Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 for the National Championship Monday night.

“It was wild.” said Ziffle, a paralegal at the Clausen, Starks, and Resnick Law Firm. “After the win, I plastered a homemade, life size drawing of Coach on the wall, opened a six pack of El Presidente, put on some Steely Dan and really whooped it up. I think I heard Mr. Fields downstairs in B-11 to tell me to turn it down.” (more…)


Sportsman’s Daily Staying With Tradition; Will Issue NCAA Bracket Picks Immediately After Tournament Ends

Monday, March 12th, 2012

No Fool in the Office Pool. TSD refuses to get caught up in the bracket hysteria and says it won’t issue it’s bracket until after tourney time.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Sportsman’s Daily has announced today it will wait on filling out and issuing its NCAA brackets until after the tournament has ended.

“There’s a lot of uncertainty and lack of confidence around the world right now,” said TSD legal team member Howard Plotnick. “We think it wouldn’t be prudent to add to the global hysteria with inaccurate or irresponsible prognosticating. We realize there are some, perhaps in the traditional sports reporting outlets, who might suggest we’re hedging our bets, but I assure you, our interests are for our fans.” (more…)


Harvard Nets NCAA Tourney Birth; To Employ Complex Business School Rooted Interdisciplinary Defense

Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

Pass the Ball, Then Pass the Bar. Harvard coach Tommy Amaker works his confounding defensive schemes.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With Penn’s loss to Princeton Tuesday evening, the Harvard Crimson men’s basketball team captured the Ivy League, and their first NCAA Tournament birth since 1946. Crimson Head Coach, Tommy Amaker said his team is ready to take on all comers.  (more…)