Now What? Stanley Hotko teeming with uncertainty.

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Stanley Hotko, 44, woke up Monday morning to the startling realization there will be no professional football of any kind to be viewed on his 52” widescreen this coming weekend. Due to heavy snow, school was cancelled Monday. The Larksville, Pennsylvania man struggled throughout a pancakes and sausage breakfast at local eatery Ollie’s® barely making eye contact with his wife Doreen (Polachek) 42, daughter Kaitlyn, 17, son Bradley, 14, and son, Conner, 9. Fortunately, Hotko enjoyed a respite from the overwhelming awkwardness as both Kaitlyn and Bradley were engaged in marathon texting sessions with friends, Alyssa Murdoch and Tyler Slavish, respectively.

Hotko tried to interact with his youngest child, scaring up the courage only after his second cup of coffee and a moment to steal away to the parking lot for a cigarette.  Upon returning to the booth, the elder Hotko managed to murmur a cursory “how’s school?” “OK,” came young Conner’s response. Almost immediately, Hotko said to his family, “let’s go.” (more…)

Sudden Death. Lamar Landmesser is no more.

BAYOU, LA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After an exhaustive manhunt lasting nearly 36 hours, Louisiana Superdome Chief Electrician, Lamar Landmesser was hunted down and shot on the spot this morning around 10:15 AM in an undisclosed Louisiana swap.

“And that finishes that.” said a relieved NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell. “We wanted a fall guy and closure on an embarrassing situation that I certainly won’t tolerate happening again.”  (more…)

When In Doubt, Hunt. The massive search is still on for Lamar Landmesser.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The nail biting 4th quarter of Super Bowl XLVII may have resulted in a 34-31 Baltimore Ravens victory in the first brother vs. brother championship, but that scenario took a back seat to the drama which continues to unfold in the Louisiana swamps.

Under the direction of infuriated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the league has sprung into action with a massive manhunt. They’re sparing no expense to hunt down and if necessary shoot and kill Lamar Landmesser, the chief electrician at the Superdome.  (more…)

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. The brothers will be "manning" the dip.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme is brothers. The Harbaugh brothers will go head to head in 49ers-Ravens Super Bowl, but the Manning brothers plan to serve notice as well. Quarterback sibling rivals, Peyton and Eli, will enjoy a get together with a select group of teammates, friends, and family members for Sunday’s big game. Late in the 4th quarter, both Peyton and Eli say whether the game is a nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — they plan on springing into action.

“We’re gonna fire up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Peyton Manning said.

“Trust me when I tell ya, it’s gonna be some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” chimed wide receiver Demaryius Thomas, a Bronco teammate of Peyton Manning’s. “P has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)

Life’s No Pro Bowl of Cherries. Carter Duncan is really bummed out no one cared about his Pro Bowl party.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFC scored a record 62 points in a 62-35 blowout in Sunday’s Pro Bowl. But that’s taking a back seat to one young man’s plight. Carter Duncan loves football. From Pop Warner to the NFL, if there’s a game to watch, you can bet he’s watching. But now the Temple University grad feels disillusioned. After inviting several friends including some of his Alpha Chi Rho fraternity brothers to his Pro Bowl party, he came up completely empty.

“Not one person. This fuckin’ blows!” lamented Duncan who shares an apartment with his roommate Tim Sasnowski on Shunk Street in South Philadelphia. “The response was exactly the same across the board. They tell me I’m nuts – they tell me no one holds Pro Bowl parties – that I couldn’t have picked a more low level, anti-climactic event for a reason to get blitzed. Even my roommate wasn’t around. All this after I dropped three large on wings, pizza, meatballs, sausage, those mini hot dog thingies, shrimp, and four kinds of beer.”   (more…)

SUPE-HarbaughWL. The big game featuring Jim (left) and John Harbaugh is a painful reminder to some family members.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s two Harbaughs for the price of one. Super Bowl XLVII will feature two brothers coaching head to head for the first time in the NFL Championship’s long history when the Baltimore Ravens take on the San Francisco 49ers on February 3, 2013 at the Superdome.

Apparently Jim and John Harbaugh have a reputation of being no-nonsense tough guys and not the warm and fuzziest people on earth.  (more…)

The Hoax on Who? Manti Te'o goes Hollywood.

BURBANK, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his marvelously plotted and critically acclaimed “girlfriend hoax,” Notre Dame football sensation, Manti Te’o may be leading a dual career; Football and Hollywood mogul.

Motion picture and media powerhouse, Warner Brothers have offered the former Heisman Trophy candidate a high six figure salary to head up their fantasy department.  (more…)

A Carrolling We Will Go. Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll trying to make sense of it all.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, the Seattle Seahawks almost walked out of Atlanta on Sunday with a 28-27 victory.  However, Seahawks Head Coach Pete Carroll tried to ice the kicker, a move which backfired, resulting in a last second successful field goal and a 30-28 Falcons victory propelling them to the NFC Championship Game against the San Francisco 49ers.

Now Carroll said he was confused in all the excitement because he was “getting some cool shit” on his headset – something he told the referee.

“Suddenly, I wasn’t hearing my coaches anymore.” said Carroll. “I was getting some Grateful Dead, and I think some Blind Faith, and bootleg Hendrix. I was just whisked away to another time and place, and football didn’t mean much anymore.” (more…)

Goodbye, Pork High Fat. Andy Reid might take his bacon westward.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It happened in an instant. Less than twenty-four hours after the Philadelphia Eagles crushing 42-7 defeat at the hands of the New York Giants on Sunday, the team’s most successful coach, Andy Reid finds himself without a gig.

Many fans say the termination is long overdue. Some feel the move is a mistake. No matter how you slice it, Reid walks away with plenty in the bank, a solid resume, and a pallet of Dietz and Watson® brand bacon.

“I had options.” Reid said. “I chose bacon.”  (more…)

Just Back Up Buddy! Back up Tim Tebow is telling Greg McElroy to back up on the romance front.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The monkey has been on Tim Tebow’s back since current teammate Greg McElory helped lead his Alabama Crimson Tide past Tebow’s Florida Gators in a stunning 32-13 upset in the Southeastern Conference championship game in 2009.

Now Tebow is feeling the effects of McElroy’s presence again.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has announced he’ll start McElroy over Tebow in this Sunday’s game against the San Diego Chargers. The decision has not come without controversy, and has Tebow speaking out.  (more…)

Roughing the Flicker. Paper champions getting hurt.

ROCKVILLE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Jimmy Hantzes enjoys playing paper football with his buddies during study hall at Robert F. Kennedy Middle School. This kind of activity has been going on for decades.  However, there’s an increasingly disturbing trend as the sport has evolved – career threatening injuries. Since one of the game’s great pioneers, Larry Bynon lost his eye a few years ago, a startling number of injuries have occurred.

Now, Hantzes has taken a field goal attempt off the skull and is paying dearly. The hard hit has resulted in a concussion.  (more…)

Third and Loooong. Ingmar Bergman regular, Max Von Sydow's decent into hell is bested by Eagles fan Larry Voijtek's agony.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just one year removed from the “Dream Team” label, and projected to be a serious Super Bowl contender in 2012, the Philadelphia Eagles have experienced a dark, gloomy reality in an angst-ridden season of profound pain and suffering.

Fans throughout the Delaware Valley have sought solace in the one place that addresses and confronts their fears head on – the films of the late, legendary Swedish filmmaker, Ingmar Bergman.  (more…)