Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category

Jaguars Summon Spirit of Strother Martin to Help Team Get Their Minds Right

Friday, December 2nd, 2016
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Brother Strother Has Spoken. Martin lays down the law.

JACKSONVILLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars are struggling with another long season after after their sixth consecutive loss and ninth overall. However, if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after their 28-21 loss to Buffalo, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was known for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in 1967’s Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.

“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.”  (more…)


A TSD Classique: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

Monday, November 21st, 2016

 

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Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the  Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)


From the Archives: Andy Reid Purportedly Has Near Life Experience

Friday, October 28th, 2016
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Life Reidings? Apparently there’s something happening.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach, Andy Reid unquestionably has has turned things around in his short tenure in town, but life in the NFL changes every week, which may be a part of the reason for an extremely unusual occurrence that may be both physiological and paranormal.

“It appears the coach had a near life experience.” said Chiefs General Manager, John Dorsey. “We consider this a positive since no one has been able to get a pulse from him since 2008.”

Unlike a near death experience, where a person might have the not uncommon sense of crossing over to another dimension which some religious believers say could be an afterlife, the near life experience is infinitely more rare. (more…)


More Legal Troubles: O.J. Simpson Charged with Selling Uranium to Iran

Thursday, October 27th, 2016

 

 

I-ran Through Airports for This! O.J. Simpson shown here with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in undated photo, honestly feels he’s done something good.

 

TEHRAN, IRAN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson continues to serve a lengthy prison sentence at Lovelock Correction Center in Nevada. But that sentence could become even longer.  Simpson allegedly met with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of 2008 and promised him 20,000 cubic tons of enriched uranium to help aid Iran’s nuclear program.

“I’m pretty connected,” a boastful Simpson said from his isolated prison cell. “Ahmadinejad had been looking for someone inside the United States to essentially ‘hook him up.’ I was pleased to oblige. He kind of gets a bad rap as being a madman. If anyone knows how the press can play with the truth, it’s me.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

Monday, October 17th, 2016
MIAMI GARDENS, FL - FEBRUARY 07:  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stands on the field prior to Super Bowl XLIV between the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints on February 7, 2010 at Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida.  (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After another incident occurred in last night’s Philadelphia Eagles 27-17 victory over the New York Giants, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


From the Archives: Seahawks’ 12th Man Under PED Investigation

Tuesday, September 13th, 2016
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The Loud Crowd. Seattle’s 12th man should be quaking in their boots.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  When your home crowd actually registers on the Richter Scale and causes a minor earthquake, it’s time to take a peek under the hood.

The Seattle Seahawks fan base has long been known for being the loudest in professional sports. Last weekend, they set a new world record for decibels setting off seismic activity.

“Fortunately, the team was away Sunday and suffered a loss  – which I’m hoping defuses the previously unyielding mania.” said Seismologist, Gerhardt Pferd Sheisen, of the Pacific Rim Institute in nearby Kent, Washington.  “I’m convinced the fans are jazzed up on steroids, which could lead to a big quake, potential structural damage, and one hell of a league fine.” (more…)


Full Tilt of NFL Action to Open Week One; Several Wives Inexplicably Vanish

Monday, September 12th, 2016
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Silence of the Lambs. NFL wife Lisa Lamb is missing.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Week One of the 2016 NFL season is under way. San Francisco 49ers fan, George Lamb and his friends are primed to enjoy a party replete with beer, wings, sausage and pizza for tonight’s Monday match up with the LA Rams. Lamb is trying to avoid what happened last year. Things seemed as normal as can be, but at the start of the second quarter on that opening night, George couldn’t find his wife of 8 years, Lisa.

(more…)


NFL UPDATE: North Jersey Family Prepares Not to See Dad Till February

Friday, September 9th, 2016
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NF-Hell. Larry Tripp’s disappearing act, coming soon, and through February.

NETCONG, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Maureen Tripp and her three children, Mark, 13, Leon, 11, and Audra, 8, are preparing not to see husband and father, Larry Tripp, 44, till after the Super Bowl in early February, 2017.

The foreman at Lombardi Manufacturing in nearby Budd Lake, is expected to disappear without a trace beginning in Week One of the NFL season. Tripp, a lifelong New York Jets fan, will shuttle between work, his Man Cave (off limits to his immediate family members), his friend Tony Sacco’s house, and three or four undisclosed bars in the North Jersey area.

“I expect to miss a significant portion of my children growing up,” said Tripp. “But I’ll be updated via texts of basic goings on from time to time. Football takes precedence over everything.” (more…)


Packers Fan Shows Up for Training Camp 200 Pounds Overweight

Thursday, August 11th, 2016
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Packin’ It On. Conner Carlson needs some cleaning up.

DE PERE, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Conner Carlson, a lifelong Green Bay Packers fan and important cog in the wheel of Packer fandom, has some explaining to do, and then a fair amount of work.

“We’re stunned,” said fellow fan, Jerry Schroeder. “We all have spare tires around our middle what with ingesting copious amount of brats and beer, but Conner’s really let himself go. He’s gone from being a moderate, late season heart attack risk, to not making it past the third game of pre-season. It’s unacceptable.”

Carlson claims a harsh winter and layoffs at the pet food plant was the reason for his dramatic weight gain. (more…)


From the Archives: Another Paper Football Player Concussed; League to Investigate

Thursday, July 21st, 2016
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Roughing the Flicker. Paper champions getting hurt.

ROCKVILLE, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Jimmy Hantzes enjoys playing paper football with his buddies during study hall at Robert F. Kennedy Middle School. This kind of activity has been going on for decades.  However, there’s an increasingly disturbing trend as the sport has evolved – career threatening injuries. Since one of the game’s great pioneers, Larry Bynon lost his eye a few years ago, a startling number of injuries have occurred.

Now, Hantzes has taken a field goal attempt off the skull and is paying dearly. The hard hit has resulted in a concussion.  (more…)


Fat, Lazy Slob Enjoying 12th Consecutive Year Without Sports Injury

Thursday, July 14th, 2016
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Breaking Dad. Father of twins just chillin’.

NUTLEY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Artie Zbyszko, the 275 pound “work from home” father of twin 13 year old boys, generally gets around to dispatching his servicemen and printing out work orders for his air conditioning installation business by 11:00 AM.  This gives him ample time to enjoy three Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches® and two cups of coffee every morning while watching the Today Show.

“He builds most of the day around watching television, especially ESPN and COZI TV, the nostalgia programmed network.” laments Lorraine, his wife of 16 years. “I suppose the upside of his sedentary lifestyle is that he hasn’t really had any kind of sports injury in 12 years.”

Zbyszko’s only sports activity is when he reclines in his BarcaLounger®, and shoots baskets in the driveway with his sons, Calvin and Blake.   (more…)