Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category

From the Archives: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

Wednesday, May 11th, 2016

Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)


Larry Bynon, 53 Year Old Inventor of Paper Football Loses Eye in Freak Field Goal Mishap

Monday, March 28th, 2016

 

 

 

Eye Formation. Larry Bynon lost an eye for the game he helped invent.

 

 

BLAIRSTOWN, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Amos Alonzo Stagg. Pop Warner. George Halas. These men were architects of the great game known as American Football. But it is perhaps Larry Bynon who has had the greatest impact on nearly three generations of young football loving boys in school cafeterias and study halls across this country. Bynon, who is largely regarded as the father of Paper Football suffered a devastating injury while demonstrating the game he created over forty years ago to a group of fourth graders in his hometown of Blairstown, New Jersey.

Bynon, who was sitting across a cafeteria table from little Timmy Healy, placed his hands in the traditional field goal position awaiting his opponent’s attempt at a three point conversion. Healy pulled back his middle finger and flicked the paper football in what initially appeared to be a dead on kick. But it suddenly took a turn and the tightly folded corner punctured Bynon’s eyeball with dreadful results. “It was really awful,” said Social Studies teacher Mr. Wega. “He was clutching his head and screaming as steady streams of blood pulsated from his left eye and gushed between his fingers. We rushed him to the school nurse, but she couldn’t administer treatment without a written permission slip from Bynon’s parents, who are sadly both dead. (more…)


Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


Disenfranchised 23 Year Old Stunned No One Showed for His Pro Bowl Party

Monday, February 1st, 2016
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Life’s No Pro Bowl of Cherries. Carter Duncan is really bummed out no one cared about his Pro Bowl party.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Team Irvin rolled over Team Rice 49-27 in Sunday’s Pro Bowl. But that’s taking a back seat to one young man’s plight. Carter Duncan loves football. From Pop Warner to the NFL, if there’s a game to watch, you can bet he’s watching. But now the Temple University grad feels disillusioned. After inviting several friends including some of his Alpha Chi Rho fraternity brothers to his Pro Bowl party, he came up completely empty.

“Not one person. This fuckin’ blows!” lamented Duncan who shares an apartment with his roommate Tim Sasnowski on Shunk Street in South Philadelphia. “The response was exactly the same across the board. They tell me I’m nuts – they tell me no one holds Pro Bowl parties – that I couldn’t have picked a more low level, anti-climactic event for a reason to get blitzed. Even my roommate wasn’t around. All this after I dropped three large on wings, pizza, meatballs, sausage, those mini hot dog thingies, shrimp, and four kinds of beer.”   (more…)


Justin Bieber Inked to Play Ty-D-Bol Halftime Show

Friday, January 29th, 2016
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Boat Gig. Bieber hopes to work up to cruise ship.

SANTA CLARA, CA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With halftime entertainment arrangements still being planned for Super Bowl 50 on February 7, 2016, plans are in place for the Ty-D-Bol halftime show. Teenage pop icon, Justin Bieber has signed on to play the low profile gig, in a yet to be determined alternate parking area around Levi’sStadium. A toilet is yet to be secured, Eljer® and American Standard® are finalists in a heating bidding war.

The embattled singer is attempting a career comeback after several run ins with the law, as well as a decline in popularity.  (more…)


Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paul Feels He Can “Walk Off” Pain of Latest Amputation

Monday, December 14th, 2015
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Head Games. JPP says he’ll soldier through.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Giants Defensive End, Jason Pierre-Paul who lost his right index finger after a freak fireworks accident this past July 4th, is confident he can bounce back from his latest injury by simply “walking it off.”  (more…)


From the Archives: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

 

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After a few questionable incidents occurred in last night’s Dallas Cowboys 18-16 victory over the Washington Redskins, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. (more…)


NFC East To Market Self As Bottomless Abyss

Monday, November 30th, 2015
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Nothingness To See Here. The NFC East launches vapid new campaign — literally.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fans, players, and coaches are almost completely in agreement — no one wants to win the NFC East. No team is above .500 in the division and no clear-cut favorite has emerged, though some are saying the New York Giants might ultimately reach the post-season on experience alone. Given the bleak outlook and overall general malaise in fan support, marketing heads from the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and the Giants met privately to try and figure a way to salvage a disastrous season. (more…)


Turkey Executed at Dawn Wins Camp David Football Pool

Tuesday, November 24th, 2015
One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

One Lucky Turkey. Baker, the turkey is a bit cocksure of himself.

WASHINGTON, DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Just minutes after President Obama pardoned “Flyer,” the National Thanksgiving Turkey, the President condemned another Turkey, named “Baker,” to die. Baker, whose final wish was to spend his last day with the First Famiy, was executed at dawn in a solemn ceremony attended by the President and First Lady. (more…)


Monsanto Grows Mutated Cowboys in North Texas Immediately After Loss to Philly

Monday, November 9th, 2015

Garden Party. Horace and Bernice Lovecraft tend over their garden of “near ready” Cowboys.

IRVING, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a neck and neck game that took overtime to decide, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Dallas Cowboys 33-27 behind the surprisingly solid performance of quarterback, Sam Bradford.

Immediately after the loss, Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, gave the green light to the Monsanto Corporation to begin harvesting a mutated strain of instant players to be funneled in and out of the Cowboys’ roster at their own discretion. The player garden was at an undisclosed, but heavily fortified location about twenty miles west of the stadium. (more…)


Family Man Not Seen by Wife and Kids Since Football Season Began

Friday, November 6th, 2015

Missing From Man Cave. Jerry Larson no longer in basement frightens family.

ROCKVILLE, MD. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jerry Larson, 49, is a respected man in his community. He owns a tool supply company, coaches Little League, plays drums in a wedding band, and worships the Washington Redskins. However, since early September when the season opened, Larson hasn’t been seen by anyone including his family.

Initially, his wife Martha, 46, wasn’t concerned. However, after repeated, unanswered calls for dinner, she became suspicious.  (more…)


Bleak Week: Chip Kelly Takes Eagles to Sweden For Film Festival

Monday, October 26th, 2015
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Shattering. Eagles and Bergman. Not very different.

STOCKHOLM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) For devotees of the bleak, angst- ridden themes of Scandinavian cinema, comes an event that will certainly ratchet up their collective weltschmerz — the Philadelphia Eagles are coming.

“We look at this as an opportunity for two cultures to learn from each other,” said Eagles Head Coach, Chip Kelly aboard a Monday morning charter flight to Stockholm during the team’s bye week.

After another sobering loss, this time to the Carolina Panthers, 27-16, fans of the Eagles are comparing the profound letdown of the 2015 season to the darkest days of the mid 1970s version of the team. Then, the desire to drink heavily and plunge shrimp forks into their carotid arteries was commonplace.

As he required his players to binge watch the films of Sweden’s celebrated director, Ingmar Bergman while in flight, Kelly was quick to point out the stunning similarities of that country’s most famous filmmaker, and the current state of his team.    (more…)