Archive for the ‘Golf’ Category

Religious Right and Tea Party Supports KFC’s Stance on Same Sex Golf

Friday, August 3rd, 2012

Putts! Is Chick-fil-A the next rallying point?

LOUISVILLE, KY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With shoulders back and chests out, a small but enthusiastic group of Tea Party members assembled in front of a Louisville Kentucky Fried Chicken location and heartily supported the fast food chain’s support for same sex golf.

“We believe men should be playing golf with other men.” said Roger W. Collins, Assistant Promotions Director for KFC speaking with local TV personality Avery Blake. “And conversely, women can play together on Ladies Day, generally held on Tuesday afternoons after 4:00 at most courses.”

Several supporters of the announcement nibbled on Extra Crispy® deep fried chicken while leaning on their three irons outside KFC.  (more…)

Country Club Champ Comfortable Enough with Own Sexuality to Hit from Ladies’ Tee

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Twilight of His Career. Wally Nafus from the rough.

EXETER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Wally Nafus, the long drive king at Fox Hill Country Club in Exeter, Pennsylvania, is a nine time club champ dating back to 1973. He won his last title in 1987, but now at age 62, Nafus is forced to hit from the ladies’ tee.

“I’m three shoulder surgeries, two wrist surgeries and one knee replacement into this little movie they call life,” the barrel-chested 6’4’’ linkster quipped. “When I couldn’t hit the ball over Sissy Ridge (a landmark on the course) and the other guys in my foursome began laughing at me, I thought about giving the game up.”

Nafus didn’t give the game up. (more…)

After Woods’ First Win in Two Years, Ex-Wife to Conjure Up New Curse

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Witchy Woman. Tiger's ex, Elin Nordegren prepares to unleash the nasty.

ORLANDO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A winless drought of over two years evaporated over the weekend as Tiger Woods captured the Arnold Palmer Invitational at Bay Hill. The jubilant Woods high-fived caddie Joe LaCava as a variety of emotions overtook him. In an undisclosed location, his ex-wife, former super model Elin Nordegren had some emotions of her own as the jilted hottie is now forced to concoct a new curse to prevent Woods from ever winning again.

“That fucker may be smiling now, but I’ve got something up my sleeve for the Masters.” Nordegren seethed.

Nordegren made no secret of aligning with witches and voodoo doctors to overturn the juggernaut that was Woods’ runaway freight train of golf dominance. The Lomidian Curse, which she invoked shortly during the couple’s very public breakup after Woods’ extra martial affairs were made public, hounded the world’s top golfer for thirty months. (more…)

Rory McIlroy Annihilates Field at U.S. Open; Wins Coveted Pink Panties

Monday, June 20th, 2011

In the Pink. McIlroy is teed up for huge string of successes.

BETHESDA, MD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) 22 year old phenom, Rory McIlroy captured the United States Open Sunday after enjoying record setting rounds of golf throughout the tournament at Congressional.

“At no point did I really think I was in trouble,” said the young pro from Northern Ireland who had an eight shot victory. “I can’t wait to fondle those lovely undies.”

Much like the legendary Green Jacket worn by Masters champions, the lesser known, but equally prized Pink Panties are bestowed in a post tournament ceremony. (more…)

Tiger Woods Reflects on What Could Have Been; “I Would Have Hit it All Night”

Tuesday, April 12th, 2011

Tiger Tail? Not this time apparently.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Mulling his third-place finish the day after this year’s Masters, Tiger Woods had every reason to be pleased.  For the greatest golfer of his era, however, losing in any form is not enough, and something was missing: his “ladies.”

“I started the day seven strokes back, but from the very beginning I had that crowd cheering like a full on bachelor party getting lapdances,” Woods said.  “I was hitting it great: long, short, fade, draw, everything.  I’m ripped, I was seriously flexing out there.  If my damned putter hadn’t let me down, I know I would have won.  Instead here I am making excuses to you jerk-offs.” (more…)

Masters Champ Charl Schwartzel Forgoes Green Jacket for Hot Babe

Monday, April 11th, 2011

Nice Fit. Charl Schwartzel breaks with tradition.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) South African Charl Schwartzel won the Masters yesterday in a battle with six other golfers in contention for the coveted green jacket and the right to be called Masters Champion.

Schwartzel fired a final round 66, ultimately winning the tournament by two strokes over Adam Scott and Jason Day.

Schwartzel decided to break with tradition and passed up taking home the green jacket, and instead tried on a hot blonde.

“She fits like a glove and color coordinates with most of my wardrobe better than that lime green nightmare,” the 26 year old linkster quipped. “Plus, I don’t have to pay those expensive dry cleaning costs – as she generally washes up right at home.” (more…)

THE MASTERS: Guy Who Always Yells “Get in the Hole” Is Placed in Large Hole

Thursday, April 7th, 2011

Hole-y Shit! "Get in the hole" guy Larry Barker gets to live by his words. In a manner of speaking.

AUGUSTA, GA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s springtime in Georgia.  That means the Masters.  And the first leg of the grand slam always seems to feature all the spectacular drama one would expect.  Then there’s the story of Larry Barker.

Barker, perhaps the most annoying fan the sport has known, is again unable to control is bombastic “get in the hole” chants, especially with Tiger Woods hitting off the tee.

After repeated pleas to stop, angered Augusta National officials had no choice but to place the 41 year old unemployed lumberjack in a deep hole. (more…)

FEATURE: Tiger’s Never-Ending Epic Fall from Grace to Include Vicious Beatings and Shooting Spree

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

by Chet Lassiter, Special Golf Correspondent

Beaten by Tiger. Tiger Woods shows his form.

ORLANDO (Special to TSD) Tiger Woods’ personal and career free fall continued last week in Dubai. In an on course performance that included salty language and launching a hocker in plain view of the TV cameras, the character many sports writers have called “Evil T” has once again emerged.


Tiger’s Woes Continue as His Car Veers Off Course and Into Water Hazard

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011

With little but the millions of dollars, hot babes at the ready and global adulation to console him, Tiger will just have to play through the heartache -- just like you and me.

ORLANDO, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Unable to find the fairway for much of the Dubai Desert Classic, finishing 7 strokes behind, Tiger Woods returned home late Monday only to see his driving woes continue. But this time it was his 2010 Buick SUV that he drove off-course, landing in a water hazard from a private golf course that abutted the road he was traveling. The SUV would remain stuck for some 15 minutes until help arrived.

“When I approached the car I found Mr. Woods on his cell phone conferring with someone we later learned was his caddie, Mr. Stevie Williams,” said Florida State Trooper Dan Clarke, the first to arrive on the scene.  “I motioned for him to roll down his window so I could instruct him how to exit the vehicle, but I couldn’t get his attention.”

A couple minutes later Woods coolly opened the door, stepped out of his SUV and calmly announced that he’d “take a drop.” (more…)

Ghost of Ted Knight Won’t Stop Haunting South Florida Golf Courses

Friday, January 28th, 2011

Nice hat. Ted Knight died in 1986, but apparently no one’s had the heart to tell him.

Caddyshack Star Terrorizes Golfers with Harrowing Cry of “Well…we’re waiting!”

DAVIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Grande Oaks Golf Club, formerly Rolling Hills Golf Club, where the motion picture Caddyshack was shot in the fall of 1979, is one of many South Florida golf courses where reports of disturbing encounters with the long dead character actor, Ted Knight continue to surface.

But lately the paranormal events have become more frequent and unsettling.

Cy Flanders, a member for over twenty years at Twin Oaks Golf Club in Cooper City, said he was enjoying a pleasant twilight round of golf with friends Chip Colson, Harry Peters, and Al Sobeck last Tuesday. As dusk was approaching the foursome was ready to hit off on the eighteenth tee, when an unusually chilling breeze got their attention. (more…)

From TSD’s Archives: Dustin Johnson Removes Iron From Anal Canal After Royal Shafting

Monday, December 27th, 2010

Ed. Note:  The Sportsman’s Daily will return on January 3, 2011. Until then, please enjoy articles from our TSD Classique vaults. Happy Holidays.

Hazardous Move. Dustin Johnson holding the iron he removed from his anus.

SHEBOYGAN, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In what was one of the strangest penalties in the annals of professional golf, Dustin Johnson “grounded” himself right out of a possible PGA Championship on Sunday afternoon.  The tournament was eventually won in a two way playoff with Germany’s Martin Kaymer defeating Bubba Watson.

Johnson grounded his iron in the sand of a bunker before hitting a shot – a clear penalty. However, Johnson, his caddy, and apparently thousands of members of the gallery, had no idea he was standing in a bunker. Not even the TV announcers knew at the time he was standing in a bunker.  The course rules at Whistling Straights reference bunkers positioned outside the ropes and other irregularities. Translation: bunkers that don’t look like bunkers. (more…)

Dozens Misinterpret Double Meaning in Taylor Made Promotion, Leading to Catastrophic Beatings at Golf Courses Nationwide

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Taylor Made CGB driver used to tee off on company reps.

FARMINGDALE, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Get the clubs the pros are using on us,” screams the ad from Taylor Made, a California-based manufacturer of golf clubs. Yesterday, the national promotional campaign took a horrible turn when its meaning was catastrophically misinterpreted by scores of literal-minded golfers eager to give the clubs a try. Brandishing an assortment of irons and fairway metals from Taylor Made’s new CGB Max Golf Set, golfers proceeded to “use” them on unsuspecting Taylor Made sales reps staging demos at golf courses around the country. Beatings were reported at some of the nation’s best known courses, including Heron Bay in South Florida, Bethpage on Long Island, and Pebble Beach in California.

“Thanks to our patented SuperFast Technology, which reduces total club weight while promoting faster swing speed for added distance, none of the injuries were life-threatening, “said company spokesman Joshua Blank. “I shudder to think what would have happened if patrons opted for Callaway or Nike or Tommy Armour clubs – their added clubhead weight would have caused untold carnage.” (more…)