No Soup for Me! Apparently that's all one vendor is hearing at Nationwide Arena in Columbus.

COLUMBUS, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Juan Del Santo has struggled to find work for two years, and is feeling the effects of a bleak economy. The former limo service owner who came to the United States from Spain in 1997, was forced to give up his business. He recently got part time work as a vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets games. Unfortunately for him, the Spanish soup Gazpacho, which is served cold, is not catching on as he’d hoped.

“I realize hockey arenas are cold and many people like to sip hot cocoa or coffee, but beer is cold, and people drink that.” said the disillusioned entrepreneur. “My Gazpacho is wonderful, it’s my grandmother Isabella’s recipe. It’s nutritious and delicious. Apparently folks here in the rust belt have difficulty kicking their nachos and footlong dogs to the curb for this Andalucian delicacy. Well, it’s their loss.” (more…)

Puck off!!! WFAN’s Mike Francesa says “I ain’t talking hockey this year, or any year. You got that schmuck?”

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Rangers, like every other NHL team have begun the shortened season. Except this year there’s an additional twist.

“I think this just might be the year,” said Defenseman, Stu Bickel. “This might be the year when no one talks about us at all – which is kind of nice considering a lot of us are very sensitive about being criticized in the first place.”

The NHL league office is hoping all thirty teams will go unnoticed on the highly critical sports radio programs around North America. (more…)

Estate of Depression. The palatial grounds of the long suffering Bobby Cofski await the master's return from the brink.

SOUTH FLORIDA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Holed up in an undisclosed location in South Florida, transplanted Philadelphia sports fan, Bobby Cofski is said to be clinging to life in an advanced state of depression brought on by severe baseball withdrawal.

“It’s been several months without baseball.” said clinical sports psychologist, Archibald Fleem. “We’d hoped the announcement of hockey returning might help, but it appears to be too late. We’re showing him old photos of (former Phillies outfielder) Bake McBride, but he merely shrugs his shoulders, stares blankly and dribbles into a cup.”  (more…)

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Besides trying to not to lose the entire 2012-13 season, the NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for what they hope will be the remainder of this season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.” (more…)

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for the 2012-13 season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.”

The NHL says that the ads will not appear in every market initially and will only be seen on electronic signage and digital graphics displays during play and not between periods. (more…)

Shave by Voorhees! Flyers goalie situation is a bloody mess.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers expected to have their longtime goalie issues cleared up at the outset of the season when they inked high priced net minder, Ilya Bryzgalov. It’s hasn’t worked out so well as his glaring inconsistency and oddball pre and post game comments have proved irksome for the Flyers. The alternative, Sergei Bobrovsky, hasn’t been much better. So yesterday Flyers General Manager, Paul Holmgren announced the team has signed the goalie mask wearing fictional mass murderer, Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th movie franchise.

“Jason’s a pro and has a track record.” said Holmgren. “I don’t know too many guys who are gonna want to get too close to the net for a shot. You’re gonna see a few attempts from fifteen or twenty feet away, but that’s it.” (more…)

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league.

“For years we tried increasing the level of graphic violence, from having goalies go without masks long after the technology was available to making sure every team had at least one thug capable of turning a ten foot radius of ice into a patch of freshly chilled blood,” said Bettman during a news conference where he made the announcement. “Fans across North America couldn’t get enough of it, but today we’re competing with the NBA and NFL for a share of the global entertainment dollar. While some NHL teams have put some quality T&A on ice, it’s clear we need to upgrade the product league-wide to compete with the more established NBA and NFL cheerleading squads.” (more…)

Puck off!!! WFAN’s Mike Francesa says “I ain’t talking hockey this year, or any year. You got that schmuck?”

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Rangers, like every other NHL team are gearing up for another season. Except this year it’s with a bit of a twist.

“I think this just might be the year,” said Defenseman, Brendan Bell. “This might be the year when no one talks about us at all – which is kind of nice considering a lot of us are very sensitive about being criticized in the first place.”

The NHL regular season begins October 6th and the league office is hoping all thirty teams will go unnoticed on the highly critical sports radio programs around North America.

“Well, I’m certainly going to do my part,” said Mike Francesa of WFAN in New York. “If I don’t have to take a call from Ernie the Ranger in Yonkers or Jimmy High Sticking from Astoria, I’m thrilled. I’d much rather talk basketball or even fuckin’ tiddlywinks!” (more…)

Slowin' it Down. NHL games will have a more glacial place next season.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Professional hockey is arguably the most thrill-packed spectator sport when viewed live, especially when seated near the action. Conversely, it has frustrated many fans who prefer to watch at home on television.

“The game’s way too fast for TV,” said Jake Winthrop, a manure salesman from Buffalo, New York. “I’m glad they’re slowing things down. Hell, I can’t follow that damn puck half the time.”

Interesting choice of words – “half the time” – because that’s exactly what the NHL intends to do as they will play the entire 2011-2012 season at half speed. (more…)

That One's Gonna Frost Ya. Too much icing on the cake, cost Flyers.

SUNRISE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers defeated the Florida Panthers last night 3-2 in a much needed victory after slipping into a bit of a tailspin over the past two weeks.

“This was a big one for us,” said Coach Peter Laviolette. “But that icing call? C’mon. It was clearly a gesture of good will. I was always taught when you come to someone else’s house, you don’t come empty handed. We wanted to slip our hosts a little something, so we brought a cake. Then they tell us our baking skills weren’t up to snuff? Fuck them!”

Apparently, the cake had too much icing, a violation in the NHL. (more…)

Interchangeable? Many think so.

Interchangeable? Many think so.

CAIRO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the recent change of power in Egypt, one hockey franchise is giving an icy shoulder to the Muslim Brotherhood.

The Buffalo Sabres which entered the NHL back in the 1970-71 season is declaring a blizzard jihad, claiming copyright infringement on their once proud logo. Some time ago, the Disney Corporation threatened to file a lawsuit against the Islamist organization Hamas for a similar instance regarding Mickey Mouse. (more…)

Cup in the Air. Blackhawks team members hoist the Stanley Cup and drink it's unsanitary contents.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Perhaps it played out as the hockey gods had intended.  A dominant Chicago Blackhawks team ended the improbable run to history made by the Philadelphia Flyers last night before a capacity crowd decked out in orange and black at Wachovia Center in Philadelphia.

“This is amazing. There is no feeling to describe it,” said defenseman Duncan Keith. “drinking from Lord Stanley’s Cup was sweet – with a lingering aftertaste of ancient backwash.” (more…)