Archive for the ‘NHL’ Category

From the Archives: T&A on Ice: NHL to Bring Cheerleading on Par with NFL and NBA

Monday, December 12th, 2016

 

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league.

“For years we tried increasing the level of graphic violence, from having goalies go without masks long after the technology was available to making sure every team had at least one thug capable of turning a ten foot radius of ice into a patch of freshly chilled blood,” said Bettman during a news conference where he made the announcement. “Fans across North America couldn’t get enough of it, but today we’re competing with the NBA and NFL for a share of the global entertainment dollar. While some NHL teams have put some quality T&A on ice, it’s clear we need to upgrade the product league-wide to compete with the more established NBA and NFL cheerleading squads.” (more…)


Gazpacho Vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets Games Can’t Understand Low Sales

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

 

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No Soup for Me! Apparently that’s all one vendor is hearing at Nationwide Arena in Columbus.

COLUMBUS, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Juan Del Santo has struggled to find work for two years, and is feeling the effects of a bleak economy. The former limo service owner who came to the United States from Spain in 1997, was forced to give up his business. He recently got part time work as a vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets games. Unfortunately for him, the Spanish soup Gazpacho, which is served cold, is not catching on as he’d hoped.

“I realize hockey arenas are cold and many people like to sip hot cocoa or coffee, but beer is cold, and people drink that.” said the disillusioned entrepreneur. “My Gazpacho is wonderful, it’s my grandmother Isabella’s recipe. It’s nutritious and delicious. Apparently folks here in the rust belt have difficulty kicking their nachos and footlong dogs to the curb for this Andalucian delicacy. Well, it’s their loss.” (more…)


After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

Thursday, October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  (more…)


NHL Set to Go Another Entire Season without Being Discussed on Sports Radio

Monday, July 18th, 2016

 

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Puck off!!! WFAN’s Mike Francesa says “I ain’t talking hockey this year, or any year. You got that schmuck?”

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Rangers, like every other NHL team are gearing up for another season. Except this year it’s with a bit of a twist.

“I think this just might be the year,” said Defenseman, Brendan Bell. “This might be the year when no one talks about us at all – which is kind of nice considering a lot of us are very sensitive about being criticized in the first place.”

The NHL regular season begins in early October and the league office is hoping all the teams will go unnoticed on the highly critical sports radio programs around North America.

“Well, I’m certainly going to do my part,” said Mike Francesa of WFAN in New York. “If I don’t have to take a call from Ernie the Ranger in Yonkers or Jimmy High Sticking from Astoria, I’m thrilled. I’d much rather talk basketball or even fuckin’ tiddlywinks!” (more…)


Florida Panthers Season Ticket Holder Says He’ll Try the Sausage Next Time

Friday, October 9th, 2015

 

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Puck It, I’ll Have the Sausage. This fan is changing up his game time meal.

SUNRISE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Bryan Lepselter, 48, of nearby Plantation, Florida has had season tickets for Florida Panthers games for five years. He generally arrives 30-45 minutes before the puck drops, and either attends games with his wife, Lisa, or friend Larry Lerner. Among his favorite game time comestibles are chicken tenders and fries, popcorn, and hamburgers.  (more…)


A TSD Classique: Kotex New Sponsor of NHL; But Only During Periods

Friday, August 21st, 2015

 

 

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Besides trying to not to lose the entire 2012-13 season, the NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for what they hope will be the remainder of this season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.” (more…)


After Years of Longing, TSD Finally Writes Story on North Dakota Sports

Tuesday, May 19th, 2015
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Off the List. A long standing dream realized.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Its been said, “good things come to those who wait.” Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but it has happened — a story worthy of notice that has North Dakota roots. The Philadelphia Flyers have announced who their new head coach will be, and it’s Dave Hakstol. Hakstol coached collegiate hockey for eleven seasons at the University of North Dakota.

(more…)


Bobby Cofski to Begin Third Month of Baseball Withdrawal

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

Estate of Depression. The palatial grounds of the long suffering Bobby Cofski await the master’s return from the brink.

SOUTH FLORIDA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Holed up in an undisclosed location in South Florida, transplanted Philadelphia sports fan, Bobby Cofski is said to be clinging to life in an advanced state of depression brought on by severe baseball withdrawal.

“It’s been two months without baseball.” said clinical sports psychologist, Archibald Fleem. “We’d hoped the unexpected improvement of the Philadelphia Eagles might help, but it appears to be too late. We’re showing him old photos of (former Phillies outfielder) Bake McBride, but he merely shrugs his shoulders, stares blankly and dribbles into a cup.”  (more…)


NHL Set to Go Entire Season without Being Discussed on Sports Radio

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

Puck off!!! WFAN’s Mike Francesa says “I ain’t talking hockey this year, or any year. You got that schmuck?”

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Rangers, like every other NHL team have begun the shortened season. Except this year there’s an additional twist.

“I think this just might be the year,” said Defenseman, Stu Bickel. “This might be the year when no one talks about us at all – which is kind of nice considering a lot of us are very sensitive about being criticized in the first place.”

The NHL league office is hoping all thirty teams will go unnoticed on the highly critical sports radio programs around North America. (more…)


Kotex New Sponsor of NHL; But Only During Periods

Thursday, July 5th, 2012

Period. Exclamation Point. D Lister Kathy Griffin thrilled to promote new Kotex®-NHL alliance.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NHL as been trying to figure a way to increase it’s viewership among women. Now a bold new marketing move may start that trend.

Kotex® feminine hygiene products have signed on for the 2012-13 season with the hopes of luring more sports minded ladies to hockey arenas.

“I’ve been using Kotex® products since 1988.” said Melinda Wilkerson, a New York Rangers fan from Peekskill, New York. “Just wait’ll I tell Susie, Carol, and Yolanda that Kotex has ads at Rangers games. Finally, a sport that targets women and their needs. I could almost cry.”

The NHL says that the ads will not appear in every market initially and will only be seen on electronic signage and digital graphics displays during play and not between periods. (more…)


Flyers Hope to End Goalie Dilemma By Signing Jason Voorhees

Friday, January 13th, 2012

Shave by Voorhees! Flyers goalie situation is a bloody mess.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers expected to have their longtime goalie issues cleared up at the outset of the season when they inked high priced net minder, Ilya Bryzgalov. It’s hasn’t worked out so well as his glaring inconsistency and oddball pre and post game comments have proved irksome for the Flyers. The alternative, Sergei Bobrovsky, hasn’t been much better. So yesterday Flyers General Manager, Paul Holmgren announced the team has signed the goalie mask wearing fictional mass murderer, Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th movie franchise.

“Jason’s a pro and has a track record.” said Holmgren. “I don’t know too many guys who are gonna want to get too close to the net for a shot. You’re gonna see a few attempts from fifteen or twenty feet away, but that’s it.” (more…)


NHL to Play 2011-2012 Season at Half Speed So TV Viewers Can Follow Game More Easily

Wednesday, June 29th, 2011

Slowin' it Down. NHL games will have a more glacial place next season.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Professional hockey is arguably the most thrill-packed spectator sport when viewed live, especially when seated near the action. Conversely, it has frustrated many fans who prefer to watch at home on television.

“The game’s way too fast for TV,” said Jake Winthrop, a manure salesman from Buffalo, New York. “I’m glad they’re slowing things down. Hell, I can’t follow that damn puck half the time.”

Interesting choice of words – “half the time” – because that’s exactly what the NHL intends to do as they will play the entire 2011-2012 season at half speed. (more…)