Archive for the ‘NHL’ Category

Flyers Get Called for Icing; Cake Had Just a LIttle Too Much Frosting

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

That One's Gonna Frost Ya. Too much icing on the cake, cost Flyers.

SUNRISE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Flyers defeated the Florida Panthers last night 3-2 in a much needed victory after slipping into a bit of a tailspin over the past two weeks.

“This was a big one for us,” said Coach Peter Laviolette. “But that icing call? C’mon. It was clearly a gesture of good will. I was always taught when you come to someone else’s house, you don’t come empty handed. We wanted to slip our hosts a little something, so we brought a cake. Then they tell us our baking skills weren’t up to snuff? Fuck them!”

Apparently, the cake had too much icing, a violation in the NHL. (more…)

Sabres Being Buffaloed in Cairo

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Interchangeable? Many think so.

Interchangeable? Many think so.

CAIRO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the recent change of power in Egypt, one hockey franchise is giving an icy shoulder to the Muslim Brotherhood.

The Buffalo Sabres which entered the NHL back in the 1970-71 season is declaring a blizzard jihad, claiming copyright infringement on their once proud logo. Some time ago, the Disney Corporation threatened to file a lawsuit against the Islamist organization Hamas for a similar instance regarding Mickey Mouse. (more…)

Blackhawks Drink From Lord Stanley’s Cup; Find Drool and Old Teeth

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

Cup in the Air. Blackhawks team members hoist the Stanley Cup and drink it's unsanitary contents.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Perhaps it played out as the hockey gods had intended.  A dominant Chicago Blackhawks team ended the improbable run to history made by the Philadelphia Flyers last night before a capacity crowd decked out in orange and black at Wachovia Center in Philadelphia.

“This is amazing. There is no feeling to describe it,” said defenseman Duncan Keith. “drinking from Lord Stanley’s Cup was sweet – with a lingering aftertaste of ancient backwash.” (more…)

NHL FINALS: Ghost of Kate Smith Haunting Chicago’s United Center

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

A Kate Worse Than Death. Long dead songstress Kate Smith is rattling Chicagoland.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) To Philadelphia Flyers fans she is revered and loved.  Her stirring rendition of “God Bless America” has left an indelible mark on the city’s franchise – especially their win totals when recordings of the song are played.

But now, nearly a quarter century since the beloved songstress has passed, something sinister may be afoot in the Windy City. (more…)

Recalling Distant or Making New Memories in a Championship Season

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

Until you live in South Florida for a dozen or so years, you probably can’t fully appreciate the smells of a spring or summer day in the Northeast. There is a freshness – a crispness, perhaps gently peppered by the flora indigenous to the region. Nowhere else do you get that smell – exactly that smell.

And if certain scents trigger the most vivid memories, those smells of spring and summer remind me of free days. Those incredible days as a kid leading up to the end of the school year and then those first fews days when school was over. That wonderful sense of freedom. Baseball was in full swing and basketball and hockey were deep into the post season. (more…)

Boston Bruins Issue Formal Apology to Pats, Sox, and Celts for Not Being Championshippy Enough

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Boston Mangler. This unidentified Bruins player contemplates a career change.

Beantown faithful shout at NHL franchise: “Out Damn Spot!”

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — With the Celtics taking aim at their second NBA title in three years, and the Patriots and Red Sox combining for five championships in less than a decade, the Boston Bruins appear to be the red-headed stepchild in an otherwise big happy New England family. “Every city has a skeleton in its closet – and when we open up ours, the Bruins fall out.” said New England Patriots owner Robert Craft alluding to a city still licking it’s wounds from an improbable collapse a week ago against the Philadelphia Flyers. (more…)

Flyers’ “Return From Dead” Continues to Terrorize Stunned Bostonians

Monday, May 17th, 2010

Two Minutes for Slashing. Flyers' Michael Leighton gets a rare goalie slashing penalty.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In what is being heralded as one of the greatest comebacks in sports history, the Philadelphia Flyers’ were summoned by the hockey gods to rise from the dead – their creaky, brittle, decaying bones new covered with flesh.

Philadelphia’s miraculous comeback was so complete, that many sports writer’s referred to it as a “return from the dead.” Little did these scribes know that days after the Bruins’ humiliating defeat, the undead Flyers would continue to plague Bostonians everywhere.

It’s true. (more…)

T&A on Ice: NHL to Bring Cheerleading on Par with NFL and NBA

Friday, June 12th, 2009

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in formation. Now just imagine them on ice with a splash of rum, a twist here, a pinch there, and gently spanked.

NEW YORK, NY (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — If you’re over the age of 21 and can do a triple cartwheel on ice skates followed by a triple lutz and stick your landing – all while keeping your pom poms aloft — address your resume to the Florida Panthers, attention Sparkles Botwinick. The modest uptick in Stanley Cup viewership has emboldened NFL Commissioner Gary Bettman to add new bells and whistles to the “product,” beginning with a push to upgrade cheerleading squads around the league. (more…)

You’re Really Fucked When…

Thursday, September 4th, 2008

Welcome to the new look TSD. Stay awhile, make yourself comfortable.

Speaking of comfort, did you check out that Levi Johnston dude at last night’s GOP convention? Chewing gum and smirking like a hockey goon who just got away with spearing a guy in the kidneys? I mean, he’s either the luckiest 18 year old bastard on the face of the earth or he was on the receiving end of one of the worst railroad jobs in the history of unwanted teen pregnancy. I’m leaning to the latter as his two dominant expressions were “what the fuck did I get myself into?” and “do they give shit away at these things, like at the MTV awards?”

Which reminds me…we’re looking forward to introducing a regular feature called “You’re really fucked when…” And you get to complete the sentence. Example: You’re really fucked when…you realize Stephon Marbury is your starting point guard. Or…You’re really fucked when you’ve impregnated the daughter of an iron-fisted right-to-lifer who was just named John McCain’s VP.  Just one of our many new interactive features designed to spread cheer and build character. Looking forward to your participation.