What Up Dawg? Cujo's out for blood. And Michael Vick is donating.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Philadelphia Eagles backup quarterback Michael Vick says he’s still working to rebuild his life and football career.

Two years after being released from prison for his role in a dog fighting ring,  Vick continues to insist he’s a new man. But the NFL isn’t taking any chances as he’ll be closely monitored by the rabid and possibly demonic St. Bernard, Cujo.

“I have to say it’s really nice touch by the NFL and Commissioner Goodell,” said Vick. “Not only to I get the irony, but I fully understand the consequences when Cujo locks his disease ridden choppers down around my shin. And that bark? Man oh man, that motherfucker sends shivers down your spine. You know you’re in for a good ass-whoopin’ when he starts barking.”

Cujo, a figment of horror and suspense author Stephen King’s fertile imagination, first terrified readers in 1981, then film audiences two years later.

“Fortunately for me I’m very familiar with the film and to be quite honest, found it painfully predictable, which of course keeps me one step ahead of this beast,” added Vick. “But according to state law, I can only defend myself against him, I can’t launch a preemptive strike, even though he’s a got a track record a mile long. Damn lawyers will screw you anyway they can. Shit.”

Zachary Lawrence, who is part of the team monitoring Vick’s actions says Cujo has already attacked Vick three times.

“I would say the speed and lateral movement advantage goes to Michael,” Lawrence said. “But brute strength and all out maniacal, hell-spawned fury goes to Cujo. It’s quite entertaining to watch. It would make one hell of a reality show.”

Slugfest! Nyjer Morgan claims victory. Miami fans differ.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Washington Nationals outfielder Nyjer Morgan had prepared for his WWE qualifying bout for days. Training began in Philadelphia last  month when he threw a ball into the stands at a heckler.  Hoping to incite a donnybrook, Morgan was left with nothing but a seven game suspension.

Morgan remained focused on achieving WWE status and may have gotten one step closer on Wednesday night in Miami.

That’s when he seemed to be playing in an entirely different game than his teammates. Stealing consecutive bases while the game was clearly out of reach is a baseball unwritten no-no. The response from the Florida Marlins was swift – first some good old fashioned chin music – then a toss behind Morgan – the latter prompting a benches clearing brawl as Morgan went toe to toe with Marlins hurler Chris Volstad. He was then felled when first baseman Gaby Sanchez clotheslined him. Almost immediately both benches cleared and the full scale brawl ensued.

The 18,045 in attendance at Sunlife Stadium roundly booed Morgan, who emerged from large scrum, arms in the air, with his jersey nearly ripped off.  He is quickly becoming the man baseball fans love to hate.

“I guess I’m officially cast as a villain now,” Morgan said. “I can live with that.”

As the brawl went on, several quarrels soon escalated into tiffs, followed by three rumpuses, four flaps, two squabbles, six fracases, and one joust.

Wes Helms attempt to rub a foreign substance in to the eye of Nationals’ third baseman Ryan Zimmerman was considered in poor taste as the foreign substance actually wound up being a foreigner, Astrit Gjikokaj, a 58 year old peanut salesman from Albania.

“That’s way old school and typical Wes,” Morgan added. “Total lame bullshit move. The least he could do is throw some chairs or slam someone’s face into a turnbuckle. But no, he has to grab some poor unsuspecting Albanian from the stands. I will give him props for finding an Albanian in Miami.”

Heroes and Aliens. A recently de-classified photo of Jackie Robinson posing with X-^g^*xC, whose fastball was then clocked at 153 miles per hour.

X-^g^*xC To Dress for SF Giants Game This Week

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The year was 1947. The great Jackie Robinson tore down the archaic racial divide that prevented African-Americans from playing Major League Baseball. But that very same year, unbeknownst to Robinson and most Americans, and more than halfway across the country, an alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, New Mexico igniting a controversy which has been hotly debated to this day; namely the existence of intelligent life outside our solar system. But now believers in the massive Roswell Cover-up have been rewarded.

X-^g^*xC, the alien who was recovered from the crash is alive and well and plans on showing off his rather dazzling baseball skills as a member of the San Francisco Giants as September roster expansions begin.

X-^g^*xC is four gronjars old, or approximately 234 years old by Earth standards. However, in the life expectancy of Cygni-Zorfenons, who normally live to be around 1,450 earth years old, he is on par with a teenager.

“X-^g^*xC is just kid,” said Giants manager Bruce Bochy. “But he really knows how to pitch and throws the ball about three Zordaps a Fliz, which, if I understand my Cygnian Zol Mu correctly equals about 212 miles per hour. I can’t wait to see Albert Pujols try and catch up with some of that shit.”

X-^g^*xC is excited about playing and breaking baseball’s “don’t ask-don’t tell” long-standing carbon life form barrier. Commissioner Bud Selig had considered allowing humanoids from the Andromeda Galaxy to participate in an barnstorming tour of Japan in 2004, but ultimately decided against it. That same year he contemplated allowing a dolphin and a NASCAR fan from Muncie, Indiana to bring out lineup cards.

X-^g^*xC has been living on a restricted underground base near the famed Area 51 and his existence was a highly guarded secret. But with the work of NASA, the space programs of China and India, the Cygni-Zorfenon High Council and former major leaguer Sal Bando, the cat is out of the bag. Or, more accurately, the little grey guy with the freaky black eyes is out of the cryogenic chamber.

Through a highly complex decoding mechanism, X-^g^*xC has been able to communicate with his new teammates and the press.

“I was way off course when I crashed here,” gurgled the alien visitor. “I was on my way to Trelisian X4 when I took a wrong turn at Jygraliscon. Then, lo and behold I’m in the New Mexico desert. I was all set to obliterate humankind for all time when I heard a Giants-Dodgers game on the radio, and I thought to myself, ‘you know, any species who could come up with a game like this isn’t worth wiping out. At least for the next two or three flisterdims.’ Now look at me, I’m set to make a cool twelve million next year if I break training with the team and hit all my incentives. What a country.”

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Last year, 18 year old phenom Melanie Oudin  came into the U.S. Open, her fourth career Grand Slam tournament, ranked 70th, and proceeded to beat top ten players Maria Sharapova and Elena Dementiev en route to reaching the quarterfinals. The gritty teen started this year’s tournament by breezing past her first-round opponent 6-3, 6-0.  After the match, in stark contrast to last year, when Oudin was, for two weeks, America’s over-achieving sweetheart, the emerging star was all business, surprising her family and team by announcing that her 16 year old boyfriend, Austin Smith, would join her management team.

Bicycle Schmicycle. Jean Pierre Bontecou's repeated attempts to find his balance have failed much like this go at it on a Nice street.

Top Twenty Finisher in ‘94 Race Still Unable to Figure it Out

NICE, FRANCE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s been said once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget. Well, apparently Jean Pierre Bontecou has forgotten. A top twenty finisher in the 1994 Tour de France, Bontecou had stopped cycling professionally and given it up altogether eight years ago to pursue a career in advertising. Then, last week, his four year old son Claude wanted to learn to ride a bike. Bontecou confidently pulled his still sleek looking custom made model from the garage and got on. However, much to his surprise, he was unable to balance himself at all.

Refusing to give up, he got right back on but fell off again almost immediately. Bontecou was stunned. He had completely lost the reference point for balance and clumsily tossed the bike back into the garage, stormed inside his home and poured himself a briming goblet of Grand Cru Schlossberg St. Catherine Cuvee L’Inedit, Domaine Weinbach 2003 as a confused Claude cried on the crumbling steps of their 18th century chateau.

“This is fucking madness,” the elder Bontecou angrily lamented through a translator. “I was a top cyclist, and now this? This?”

A few neighbors have seen Bontecou repeatedly attempt to right himself on the bicycle in the wee (or should we say oui) hours of the morning, under the cloak of darkness, but to no avail. Lucien Mousseinne, who lives next door to Bontecou and speaks some English, could barely contain himself when relaying the story to TSD. “He thinks no one is looking,” Mousseinne said, “But I have a great view of him starting off at ze top of his driveway. He peddles and falls off right away. The language he uses is, how you say, ‘filthy‘. Who forgets how to ride ze bicycle? What a putz.”

Word of Bontecou’s cycling woes have caught the attention of the French media, but they have issued no formal reports because they are still unsure whether to label him a bumbling idiot or comedic genius.

The Good Life. Larry Swarski’s time on Earth is measured in seconds.

PITTSBURGH  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In an effort to encourage a healthier ballpark experience, the Pittsburgh Pirates say they plan to offer turkey hot dogs at specified locations throughout PNC Park the rest of the season.

“Holy fucking shit! This is just so typical.” said Larry Swarski of nearby Latrobe who proudly identifies himself as ‘unhealthy and proud.’ “You know what this means don’t ya? It means I’ll have to wait in line a lot longer now while ‘Miss Fucking Aerobics Instructor with the Mercedes SUV’ convinces her little snot-nosed, six year old shitheads that the turkey hot dog is the wiser choice – and it ‘tastes just like the real thing.’ Well I got news for you biotch – it tastes nothing like the real thing, which for the uninitiated is a hickory smoked, carcinogen causing, excessively processed, pork scraps packed, dick shaped weiner on a twelve inch bun with chili, mustard and onions. Any questions?”

“While we certainly appreciate Mr. Swarski’s opinion, we feel the turkey hot dog will be popular.” said Pirates Assistant Promotions Director, J.C.A.S. Wong. “There’ll be plenty of convenient locations throughout the venue for Mr. Swarski and others to enjoy the more traditional hot dog experience. However, for the record, we encourage moderation.”

Swarski, who placed seventeenth in this year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest® in New York, is a four pack a day smoker and heavy drinker who operates the fork lift at Lefty’s Beer and Soda Distribution Emporium in New Kensington. In his spare time he enjoys a multitude of narcotics and unprotected sex with strangers as well as driving at high rates of speed through school zones.

“We’re very excited about the remainder of the season, but also seriously concerned about Larry,” said Swarski’s doctor, Scott Levine, M.D. “He’s only twenty-three, but looks fifty. At the rate he’s going, I don’t see him living past Thursday.”

Should Swarski die, his successor as Pittsburgh’s unhealthiest fan would be the eternally unemployed 37 year old Joe “Slophouse” Giardelli, a rotund, chain-smoking, cocaine abusing, meatball inhaling, 370 pound behemoth, who hasn’t seen his own penis since sixth grade and has yet to kiss a girl.

Night Game. Expect the World Series to have a markedly different twist.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) There are no guarantees the Philadelphia Phillies will make their third straight World Series appearance this October, but one thing is for sure, one of the City of Brotherly Love’s favorite sons will be there.

M. Night Shyamalan, director of such acclaimed epics as The Sixth Sense and Signs has been set to direct this year’s World Series on FOX.

Shyamalan, whose most recent films have been largely panned by critics and have struggled at the box office, is attempting a comeback of sorts in a medium he calls “live reality sports TV.”   Though Shyamalan assures the integrity of the World Series, he says he plans some unexpected surprises for the 2010 fall classic.

“I’m keeping it a surprise,” said the 40 year old director. “But whether or not my Phillies are in the Series, this project will clearly have elements of Philadelphia throughout, and people are going to disappear. They’re going to disappear in weird, creepy, witchy, mysterious ways, or my name isn’t Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan.”

“We’re looking forward to what M has in store,” said R. Clifford Paisley of FOX Sports marketing department. “We’re not so sure Alex Rodriguez or Chase Utley disappearing at the hands of some made up bizarre disease or a little girl’s curse or whatever will make for good live television, but we’re willing to take a shot. And we’re taking a shot, because we believe this misunderstood genius has something left in the tank. Granted, Lady in the Water, The Village, and The Happening really bit it big time, but its a good gamble.”

But television critic Z. Marvin Casterly feels that Shyamalan has run out of chances.

“Bad idea,” Casterly said. “I think the World Series can stand on its own. Anyone can underscore a critical at bat with some minimalist Philip Glass music or a soft blue filter or grainy sepia tones to accentuate a moment in time. The guys out in the truck have all that technology at their fingertips. Shyamalan is a one trick pony without an ounce of wit left in an impotent arsenal of meaningless nothingness. F. Murray Abraham or C. Thomas Howell couldn’t save him now. For crying out loud, you don’t have to make Alex Rodriguez disappear. He’s perfectly capable of doing that on his own.”

Taylor Made CGB driver used to tee off on company reps.

FARMINGDALE, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — “Get the clubs the pros are using on us,” screams the ad from Taylor Made, a California-based manufacturer of golf clubs. Yesterday, the national promotional campaign took a horrible turn when its meaning was catastrophically misinterpreted by scores of literal-minded golfers eager to give the clubs a try. Brandishing an assortment of irons and fairway metals from Taylor Made’s new CGB Max Golf Set, golfers proceeded to “use” them on unsuspecting Taylor Made sales reps staging demos at golf courses around the country. Beatings were reported at some of the nation’s best known courses, including Heron Bay in South Florida, Bethpage on Long Island, and Pebble Beach in California.

“Thanks to our patented SuperFast Technology, which reduces total club weight while promoting faster swing speed for added distance, none of the injuries were life-threatening, “said company spokesman Joshua Blank. “I shudder to think what would have happened if patrons opted for Callaway or Nike or Tommy Armour clubs – their added clubhead weight would have caused untold carnage.”

A Callaway representative took issue with Blank’s characterization of his company’s clubhead technology.

“While that may be true, the Taylor Made clubs are based on Inverted Cone Technology , which expands the high COR zone to promote higher ball speed on off-center hits for more distance,” said Callaway’s Barney Allen. “In other words, you don’t have to be a scratch golfer to make solid contact with someone’s head. Put a Taylor Made club in the hands of any weekend hacker and you’re basically begging for trouble.”

A number of patrons who demoed the clubs offered apologies for misunderstanding the meaning of Taylor Made’s promotion, though most liked the clubs’ feel and responsiveness.

“I’ve used a set of customized Arnold Palmers for three years, but the CGB’s are more forgiving thanks to the tungsten weights, which increases their MOI and improves their stability,” said Nick Farrell, a 5 handicap who put a Taylor Made rep in the hospital using a CGB fairway metal. “I once used a Palmer five iron on some asshole who took a call when I was lining up a putt. He got the message, but trust me, if it was a new Taylor Made they would have had to airlift him to the nearest intensive care unit.”

Blank has vowed to change the language in their current promotion to prevent further misunderstandings.

“We’ll take full responsibility for what happened. You can’t blame the golfers who, in their zeal, wanted to sample the clubs the pros use. I’ve been around long enough to know that if you tell a golf nut that said clubs are used by Curtis Strange or Vijay Singh, they’re going to want to give them a try. Golfers are very impressionable. If Tiger — better yet, make that Phil — told them to jump off Hogan’s Bridge, trust me, groundskeepers at Augusta would be pulling these idiots out of the pond year-round.”

Toodle-Lou! Lou Piniella says farewell and good luck to the star-crossed Cubbies.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) An emotional Lou Piniella bid farewell to the Chicago Cubs and their fans on Sunday after an excruciating 16-5 trouncing at the hands of the National League East leading Atlanta Braves.

After four seasons as skipper of the Northsiders, Piniella abruptly left the club to care for his ailing mother.

“I took this gig because I believed maybe, just maybe, I could turn things around. Perhaps even reverse the curse,” said Piniella speaking of the Curse of the Billy Goat. “What the hell was I thinking? This team is a bewitched, damned, bedeviled, star-crossed, jinxed, unsanctified, cloven-footed circus on wheels that will never see a World Series again in my or my grandchild’s lifetime.”

Though a veritable cash cow, the Cubs just can’t seem to get to the promised land and win a World Series. Their last World Series appearance was in 1945 – a loss to the Detroit Tigers. That was when Chicago tavern owner Billy Sianis took his billy goat into Wrigley Field to see his beloved Cubs play. When he was asked to leave (due to the goat’s unpleasant odor) he “cursed” the team saying, “Them Cubs, they aren’t gonna win no more.”

The curse seems to have tenure among sports curses, now that the Red Sox “Curse of the Bambino” and Philadelphia’s “Curse of Billy Penn” have been exorcised.

“Forget it,” added Piniella. “I’d personally like to thank the Baby Jesus for getting me outta here.  And good luck to Mike Quade, and/or Alan Trammel or Ryne Sandberg or whomever the poor bastard is they choose to take over this enchanted, voodooed, unholy, foredoomed, odious, Mephistophelian, unhallowed, hellhole of a franchise – with all due respect of course.”

Pretty Machete Attitude. Anthony Genovese of Havertown, PA is just as excited about the weekend series as anyone.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gearing up for a weekend series during the pennant drive in Philadelphia and you can expect boundless energy.  Perhaps more than the Washington Nationals and a few visiting fans making the trek up I-95 to the City of Brotherly Love are accustomed to.  The Nats and their relatively laid back, casual fans, were told to prepare for the onslaught of the classic Philadelphia sports fan – the crazed, passionate fanatics who in the past have been able to rattle pitchers off the mound with booing and yelling.

Apparently the Phillies and their fans have something extra special in store for the team from nation’s capital.

For the third time this season, the team will give each paying fan a fourteen inch razor sharp machete to swing and wave throughout the game.

“Man, do I love the machete giveaway,” said Gus Kyriazis of Upper Darby. “Nothing unnerves a third baseman more than having to step over a severed head to catch pop fly.”

When the Phillies players found out the team was planning the giveaway, it all but guaranteed a series sweep.

“They’re giving away the machetes again?” said an amped up Chase Utley. “Outstanding. Baseball players are pretty superstitious. I’m no different. They had three machete giveaways this season, and we won all three times – the last time on a forfeit. Just gearin’ up for Red October baby!!”

Word spread among Phillies players about the promotion during the Giants series.

“The beauty part about the machete giveaway is the color red,” said Phils’ shortstop Jimmy Rollins. “The fans’ hats and shirts are Phillie red, and the endless pools of blood and sheared off limbs are Phillie red too. I don’t care who you are, if you’re an opposing player, that shit’s gonna fuck you up really nice. The smell by the seventh inning gets pretty funky.”

Asteroid Rage. Mark McGwire denies he ingested asteroid fragments. Then breaks down and admits he did "something."

NASA Supplied Former Slugger with Space Dust Particles in Effort to Be More Cosmic

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball’s league office in New York is concerned a new scandal is looming. Though the spelling is only one letter off, the effects of (a)steroids pose an entirely new set of problems for former Major League slugger Mark McGwire, and possibly others.

It is now alleged that McGwire regularly used asteroids.

“Look at McGwire’s face in the on deck circle moments before he broke Maris’ record,” said former manager Tony LaRussa. “The look of relative calm – the eyes closed tight. That’s not concentration, that’s Mark communing with a race of giant beings on Aldebaran 4. Those asteroids have devastating consequences. Sure, the space dust will give you a sense of fulfillment for a while, but then you lose your will to the Zardons and your testicles shrivel. It’s no picnic.”

“Asteroids? He did asteroids? What a dick!” said former teammate and fellow Oakland A’s Bash Brother, Jose Canseco. “That shit’ll fuck you up. I remember some dude from NASA hanging around our clubhouse around 1990 saying he had the best stuff money can buy. I wasn’t going to try that. It aint’ from Earth. I have scruples you know.”

“This is potentially devastating for us,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “You’re talking about an object that is not from Earth – and highly unusual, like Barry Bonds’ cranium. I’m afraid we have only scratched the surface.”

McGwire’s brother Jay, who confirmed his brother’s use of steroids nearly three years ago, insisted the red-headed homerun king also did asteroids.

“Yeah, he kept the stuff in some kind of containment unit that looked like it came from Venus,” said Jay McGwire. “This thing had lights on it with colors I never saw in my life. Freaked me out. Mark really changed after doing that stuff. He was walking around like he was Carl Freekin’ Sagan with all that space rap of his – Talkin’ some bullshit about the coming war with the Trazomites and the shortage of Lortenamine-87 on Alfa Centauri 7. Look, I’m a body builder, what the hell do I know about supply and demand on a planet 4.37 light years away?”

Hazardous Move. Dustin Johnson holding the iron he removed from his anus.

SHEBOYGAN, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In what was one of the strangest penalties in the annals of professional golf, Dustin Johnson “grounded” himself right out of a possible PGA Championship on Sunday afternoon.  The tournament was eventually won in a two way playoff with Germany’s Martin Kaymer defeating Bubba Watson.

Johnson grounded his iron in the sand of a bunker before hitting a shot – a clear penalty. However, Johnson, his caddy, and apparently thousands of members of the gallery, had no idea he was standing in a bunker. Not even the TV announcers knew at the time he was standing in a bunker.  The course rules at Whistling Straights reference bunkers positioned outside the ropes and other irregularities. Translation: bunkers that don’t look like bunkers.

Though gracious after learning of the course rules, which he claimed he never reviewed, Johnson did produce a slippery iron from his swelled anus after the shafting by the rules committee.

“It was a brilliantly executed shafting,” said Johnson after removing the iron. “A dry, excruciating single thrust right up my asshole. Ultimately, it was quick and merciful and the rules committee guy who gave it to me said his sister’s husband is a proctologist – so I had that going for me. Still, I’ll be thinking about this one for a while. There was a bit of blood.”

Henry Stone, part of Johnson’s management team warned other golfers not to fall into the trap his boss did.

“Dustin is a great guy to work for and he handled it like a true professional,” said Stone. “But for Christ’s sake, if you’re a golfer, please read the rules. The consequences if you don’t could be hazardous – no pun intended. We don’t need a bunch of PGAers walking around with irons up their arses.”

Johnson said he hopes to be ready for the next tournament, but says he’d like to be alone for at least a week – to think about things. A lot of things.

Flame Thrower. Minor League pitcher Francis Grogan, here looking remarkably like pop diva Elton John, expects to get his fastball back up into the mid-90's in time for the 2011 Winter League. If that fails, he can always get work as a sexually-ambiguous mascot.

BURLINGTON, IA. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Faced with a career threatening elbow injury, Burlington Bees pitcher Francis Grogan elected to shut down his season last month and have Tommy John surgery to alleviate the problem. While the Kansas City Royals Single A affiliate’s coaching staff was encouraged by Grogan’s swift recovery, the outcome was not what they expected.

It is not everyday that a pitcher undergoes Tommy John surgery and emerges with the attitude and outlandish fashion sense of an internationally acclaimed pop diva.

Ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction, better known as Tommy John surgery, has become relatively routine since the former LA Dodgers pitcher was operated on by Dr. Frank Jobe in 1974. Just one week following the operation, Grogan’s wife, Heather, realized something had gone horribly wrong.

“At first I attributed the over-the-top tantrums to the stress that accompanies any major operation. But I noticed, with each passing day, more and more changes…one day I come in and he’s changed the drapes in his hospital room. The next day he’s looking at wallpaper swatches. Suddenly I notice he’s wearing over-sized glasses and a boa around his Dolce and Gabanna gown – not standard hospital issue. Obviously something’s going on.”

It was confirmed by the surgical staff late yesterday that Elton John surgery was performed on the minor league hurler by mistake.

Three weeks since the operation – and Grogan’s transformation seems all but complete. The rapid wardrobe changes, the repertoire of increasingly outlandish eyewear, the unprovoked hissy fits and his firm grasp of the Elton John songbook all point to a major operating room “fuck-up,” admitted S. James Hersch, General Hospital’s general counsel.

We deeply regret the mistake and the pain we’ve put Mr. Grogan, his family and the Bees organization through,” said Hersch. “We’ve successfully performed a number of Tommy John-type operations in the past. While the Elton John procedure is relatively new and untried, this is no excuse for a mistake of this magnitude. That said, we are happy to see Mr. Grogan fully embracing the new lifestyle… we can only hope that his family and teammates, come to understand and accept the new Francis Grogan.”

At first stunned by the news, the Bees organization is taking a look-see approach.

“Hey, you’re talking about a guy who once threw 97mph fastballs,” said Bees general manager Bud White. “Tommy John surgery, even if done flawlessly, can change a pitcher’s repertoire. But I’m looking at the positives. First, we’re talking Elton John circa 1975. You know, Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy…when he was at the top of his game and he was just another glam rocker of sexually questionable orientation. We could have been looking at today’s Elton, whose sexual orientation is pretty much an open book. It’s one thing for guys you’re showering with to have doubts; it’s another to know for sure where your teammate stands, or, as the case may be, where he lays face-down awaiting a post-game rubdown with a come-hither look.”

As for Grogan himself, he’s not talking, though sources say he’s been on a two-week spending binge, another known symptom of the Elton John procedure. According to his agent he’s been rehearsing with a backup band and will be touring next month.

While former Royal great and Hall of Famer George Brett called the situation a “mockery of the game of baseball,” he did take a somewhat philosophical approach.

“Believe it or not it could have been worse,” said Brett. “I understand they also perform Olivia Newton-John surgery – which would have been a complete sham. Though come to think of it, if I’m a teammate I’d prefer to see Olivia Newton John in the whirlpool than some homosexual wearing glasses with Christmas lights asking to use my towel.”

Bullets Over Broadway? Maybe, if Isiah takes the gig.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — In a controversial move that has confounded Knicks fans, league officials, and just about anyone who casually follows professional sports – or high profile sex harassment cases — Knicks owner James Dolan is planing to re-hire Isaish Thomas, whose failure as Knicks GM was nothing short of epic. Dolan appears to be doubling down by looking to re-engage Larry Brown, whose failure in his single season as Knicks coach caused super fan Woody Allen such agida he quit New York to make an succession of films in Europe.

“I think I speak for most Knicks fans when I say I was elated when a member of the tribe, Amare Stoudemire, signed, signaling a new era of Knicks basketball,” said Allen. “But rehiring Larry Brown? Hiring Isiah is bad enough. Brown was a disaster. The guy made Knicks games about as much fun as a colonoscopy performed by Dr. Mengele. Dolan is either a dunce or just unable to acknowledge his biggest mistakes. I’m sure he believes Herbert Hoover was misunderstood.”

In related news, the potential hiring of Thomas outrages prominent women’s rights attorney Gloria Allred. Several years ago, a jury found Knicks Coach Isiah Thomas guilty of sexually harassing a former marketing executive, Anucha Browne Sanders. They also found that Browne Sanders was wrongfully terminated in retaliation for alleging that Thomas had made unwanted advances and subjected her to verbal abuse. In a preemptive move, the Knicks organization has vowed to enforce a strict no hand-checking rule.

UPDATE: Thomas is now leaning towards not taking the consulting job, but says he still wouldn’t mind dropping by to get a “feel” for things.

Votto's Grotto. Joey's new mob hangout or fan club?

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carlo Rizzi. Paul Vitti. Fictional mobsters from the movies.

Add Joey Votto to the list. Though Votto isn’t fictional, you couldn’t convince members of the Gambino Crime Family the Reds slugging first baseman wasn’t one of them.

“Nice Italian boy with a big fuckin’ bat,” said Caporegime, James “Jimmy Googatz” Micinelli. “You better believe he’s a made man. Anybody throws at this guy’s head ever, and I’ll break their fuckin’ legs!”

After Tuesday’s Reds 8-4 loss to the Central Division rival St. Louis Cardinals – a game which featured a benches clearing brawl – Votto was invited by Gambino soldiers Louie “Medium Lou” Fabrizio and Angelo “Nervous Twitch” Nervossa to a get together at Anthony’s Tavern, a reputed mob hangout. The Gambino clan is in town for the wedding of Michael “Little Mikey” Ferraro and Ann Marie “Sweet Snatch” Vaginello scheduled for this Saturday.

Votto spent nearly an hour attempting to convince several family members he is not involved in organized crime in any way, but they apparently weren’t buying it.

“They kept telling me I have the perfect name for an underboss or even a don,” a frustrated Votto said. “I explained to them I was just a ball player. I mean, sure, I enjoy a nice Veal Saltimbocca now and then with a side of endive with the olive oil and the garlic and a nice chicken cutlet appetizer for the table, but I ain’t made. Then they kept pinching my cheek, laughing and calling me a ‘fuckin’ beautiful kid’ and then Paulie “Fat Cock” DelBalso drops me off a block from my house.”

Not taking any chances, several Cardinals pitchers phoned in sick for Wednesday game.

Run of the Mill. Tiger fell apart at the infamous windmill.

AKRON, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Reeling off a wretched showing at Firestone Country Club where he finished 18 over par including a 77 on Sunday, Tiger Woods was hoping to lift his spirits with a game of miniature golf at the nearby Silly Shotz Miniature Golf Course.

His opponent was nine year old Billy Jensen of Cuyahoga Falls.

Woods stayed even with Jensen through seven holes, then took the lead by getting a hole in one through the clown’s mouth prompting his patented fist pump which thrilled the gathering gallery who cheered the fallen golf star’s every move. But once again it all proved to be temporary as the troubles that have hounded Woods’ game for months reared their ugly head at the baby hippo. An errant shot glanced off the hippo’s hind quarters an onto an adjacent hole disrupting Missy Butler’s birthday party.  The seven year old Butler began crying which delayed the match for nearly twenty minutes.

When play resumed, Woods’ game fell apart as Jensen charged.

Can't Find the Hole. A rarity for Tiger.

With a commanding three stroke lead, Jensen secured victory at the famous Windmill hole, perhaps the most challenging hole in all of miniature golf.

“That hole makes or breaks tournaments,” Woods said. “My opponent had his A game going today and I did not, plain and simple. Congratulations to him. I can stand here and make excuses that little Missy what’s-her-name’s incessant pissing and moaning threw me off my game, but I won’t – because quite frankly, I found her mother pretty hot.”

Outta Here!!! Is the discarding of the Mannywood sign just the beginning in the decline of a superstar?

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) First the Mannywood sign is taken down. Next the fan club support dwindles.

Now this.

Apparently the love affair that Manny Ramirez had with the Dodgers and their fans is over.

With hip hop, rock, and country interspersed with lively organ music, players enjoy striding to the plate to their own signature musical theme at Dodger Stadium. But the team has taken the reigns with Ramirez. Apparently the choice is no longer his.

“He now walks up to the dish being serenaded to the suicide-inducing strains of the funeral music for Akhnaten’s father in Act I of the opera Akhnaten by Philip Glass,” said manager Joe Torre. “It prepares us and him for the inevitable let down. It helps us grieve.”

Though Ramirez is performing fairly well in limited playing time, he is no longer the offensive force he once was. Age and injuries have caught up to him, and the Manny Being Manny act is getting old, even by Hollywood standards.

“Its the same recycled garbage,” said Simon Fuller, creator of American Idol. “Can you imagine rolling out the same tired, abysmal, vapid, dog and pony show year after bloody fucking year and expect the great unwashed to keep tuning in? That’s what Manny’s doing. Its not even cute anymore.”

Several eyewitnesses said a clearly despondent Ramirez was huddled next to the discarded letters of the Mannywood sign in the Dodger’s parking lot mumbling incoherently.

“This is baseball in Hollywood,” Torre added. “This business will eat you alive. If he’s willing to change his act and take acting lessons, dancing lessons, singing lessons, whatever – and really shows us he can change his tune, then maybe we’ll change his tune too.”