Ahem. A truly Hardened cough.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) His unconventional facial hair often overshadows his play, which is why the announcement made late last night isn’t the stunner he thought it would be. Oklahoma City Thunder guard James Harden is indeed the long lost brother of William and Andrew Smith, purveyors of the celebrated cherry throat lozenge.

“Ahh…now it all makes sense.” said teammate Kevin Durant. “I just couldn’t understand why all the references to ‘those fucking Ludens.’” 

Sadly for Harden, he was forced into falling back on a career in the NBA when it became apparent that the once powerful cough drop empire his older brothers founded had been reduced to a boutique off brand; a mere curiosity for nostalgia buffs seeking something to suck on.

Harden claims his carton of cherry cough drops helped him through his concussion and even eased the psychological pain getting elbowed viciously by a guy with the last name of Peace.

Ace-hole? Not exactly. It wasn't gamesmanship -it was death.

LAS VEGAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jethro “Dead Eye” Salinger lived up to his nickname on Monday night when opponents couldn’t get him to ante up.

“He just sort of stayed there, staring straight ahead, motionless,” said Jimmy “The Lion” Nicosia. “We thought it was just another element of his world renowned gamesmanship, but it went on too long, even for him. That’s when we realized he was dead.”

The players at the Las Vegas Tournament of Poker Wizards 8 waited an unprecedented seven hours and twenty-three minutes before finally checking for a pulse.

“He was deader than a doornail,” said dealer Steve Carson. “But he went out doing what he loves. We should all be so lucky. He lost a hell of a lot that night, but I guess he’s paid in full, in a manner of speaking.”

Salinger was taken out of the casino on a stretcher with his hands still holding his cards.

“He was a player to the last breath I guess,” added Nicosia. “The sight of  him holding his cards up like that as they removed his carcass from the facility was an inspiration to us all. Except of course for the losing part. If I die at the table, I want to go out a winner and take it with me.”

The casino plans to dim the lights in Jethro Salinger’s honor and his body will have the customary desert roadside burial left in an abandoned Lincoln Continental.

Spare the Rod. Your sympathy that is. He needs to man up and walk right.

PITTSBURGH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pittsburgh Pirates backup catcher Rod Barajas is off to a rough start this season. With a batting average well below the Mendoza line, the 36 year old is doing what he can to keep his place on the roster. To compound matters, he has been criticized for his poor form while receiving walks.

“It was my mom who called to it my attention.” lamented Barajas. “Apparently over the past couple of years I’ve developed the lazy habit of sauntering down the first baseline in a sort lackadaisical manner, with a devil may care carriage that is part K-Mart® middle management – part bowling alley pizza guy. Mom insists I throw back my shoulders and walk with my head erect.”

Teammates seem to agree.

“I realize catching takes it’s toll.” said first baseman Casey McGehee. “But posture is important. He needs to tweak that up a bit.”

“Head up, shoulders back. It’s basic.” said legendary bell ringer and noted hunchback, Quasimodo. “He makes me look like Audrey Hepburn coming down the steps in My Fair Lady.”

Barajas looks forward to try out his new walking technique in a series beginning Monday night against the Miami Marlins and says he plans on renting My Fair Lady.

WTF? This kid's a star, yo!

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.

The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read.

“Admittedly, most of us have become a little lax when instant messaging with friends on Facebook® or AOL®, but what young Mr. Kuchinski has done is taken today’s requisite standard to the stratosphere,” said Misericordia University English Department Chair, Ichabod Lynch. “He’s elevated this sort of hipspeak to an indecipherable amalgam of dazzling non-sequiturs, historical inaccuracies, confounding abbreviations and maddening run on sentences that make a five year old’s first attempts at prose read like Flaubert. How wonderful for us. How absolutely fucking wonderful.”

Kuchinski’s legendary description of Derek Jeter’s 3,000 hit last year has been retweeted millions of times on Twitter:

jeetz gone yard for a 3K – dude hoo cawt it skipz da ebay yo // got tix to the post mAde the most yo cAps the fkn sheetz

A team of linguistics experts from Stanford University broke down what Kuchinski was attempting to say.

It is widely believed the phrase “jeetz gone yard for a 3K” was intimating that Derek Jeter’s 3,000th career hit was a home run.

It continued to explain that the gentleman who was fortunate enough to have retrieved the historic ball, refused to get market value on eBay®, but instead returned the ball to Jeter in exchange for season tickets including those to the post-season, should the Yankees reach the playoffs.

Finally, a personal accolade from Kuchinski to Jeter might have been suggested in the closing line: yo cAps the fkn sheetz – which literally translated means, the Captain is the fucking shit – or he’s an exceptional human being.

Kuchinski’s use of the capital A in the words “made” and “caps” may be code for AA – either American Airlines or Alcoholics Anonymous. Kuchinski’s grandfather worked for a short time as a baggage handler for American Airlines in a career that was shortened by alcoholism.

A bitter Lynch tossed back a healthy gulp of Scotch adding, “37 years of teaching the minutiae of language and style and slaving over a sentence till it literally drips off the page, and yet I find myself reduced to a deteriorating, quivering mass of nothingness in a stained corduroy jacket, living in a one bedroom apartment above a garage owned by a family of four while Yahoo! knocks on this pimply-faced little shit’s door with a mid level six figure salary. Life is a hellish abyss.

Kuchinski recently moved to the Bay Area.

El Doucho. Ozzie Guillen has got himself a sponsor.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) VH Essentials®, makers of a medicated douche concentrate, have announced they have won the naming rights to Miami Marlins manager, Ozzie Guillen, beating out Quilted Northern® toilet paper and Vagi Cure® Anti Itch Cream.

The controversial Guillen, known for speaking his mind, has had a long history of putting his foot in his mouth often causing problems for his employers. Most recently, his favorable spin on Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro earned the wrath of South Florida’s large Cuban community. And just this week when a Houston based reporter asked about it, he responded with a Scarface like retort.

VH Essentials is breaking new ground by endorsing a baseball manager. 

“This is a first.” said VH Essentials spokeswoman, Erin Fredericks. “When it comes to douching, the first Major League skipper that comes to mind is Ozzie. The dude personifies douche bag.”

Guillen says he’s proud to currently be known as VH Essentials Douche Ozzie Guillen.

“My kids call me douche bag around the house now, and it fits.” said the 48 year old manager. “I’m gonna wear this motherfucker around like a badge man. I am one glorious motherfuckin’ douche bag. Now, excuse me while I go all Stalin on my bullpen.”

A serially concussed brain is a terrible thing to waste.

ST. JOHN’S, ANTIGUA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  Since Boston University’s School of Medicine announced a special program devoted to studying the he long-term effects of concussions,  a number of retired NFL players have agreed to leave their brains to the center for study.  TSD has now learned that researchers from an unaccredited medical school located in Antigua have been harvesting brains from former athletes within hours of their death. The cadavers include both professional and amateur athletes, ranging from former NFL linemen to sixty-five year old Rick “Beanhead” Templeton, a softball legend who was known to crash head-first into a beer keg after clubbing a round tripper.

The jars containing the brains were found in an industrial refrigerator by a night watchmen employed by the Caribbean island’s medical center.

“It was 3 am, the missus forgot to pack me a sandwich, so I’m looking around for a bite, maybe one of the lab guys left a half-eaten tuna sandwich or an open can of sardines, or possibly a Stouffer’s lasagna I can micro – anything, I’m starving,” said Jules Berg, the night watchman. “So I opens the refrig and about eighteen brains in glass jars are staring back at me. Suddenly I’m not so hungry anymore. Gave me the creeps if you want the god’s honest truth. Then I start noticing the names on the labels – one guy played tackle for the Rams, another was a lineman for the Colts and one guy I remember making a game-saving tackle on a Monday Night game years ago. I’m thinking, heck, that’s a whole lotta defense crammed into those jars.”

Randolph Pixley, a spokesman for the center, said several researchers have been held for questioning and that the matter will be thoroughly investigated.

“We are as shocked as anyone, as we had no idea we were in receipt of the brains in question,” said Pixley. “And frankly, we’re not sure of their research value, as we believe many of the brains have been mislabeled and the information on some is just riddled with factual errors. For instance, one of the brains is attributed to a well-known linebacker formerly with the Green Bay Packers. The label states he played on two Super Bowl teams, when he played on just one…and it claims he went to Ohio State when anyone knows he played college ball at Texas A&M. I’m not sure what’s more shocking – the sloppy labeling, which is unacceptable even at the undergraduate level, or the fact that these brains were not acquired through proper channels.”

The brains have since been transferred to an undisclosed location; the names of the athletes have not been released.

“Former athletes with post-concussion syndrome are very vulnerable once their playing days are over,” said Wayne Chrebet, a standout receiver with the NY Jets whose career was cut short by multiple concussions. “The headaches, blurred vision and confusion are no laughing matter. That the Sportsman’s Daily would make light of a serious situation is disgusting. If anyone should have sympathy for the effects of brain damage it should be those guys. What cretins.”

Update: Investigators arrested a man seen lumbering about the school’s campus, flailing wildly, emitting a series of unintelligible grunts and randomly tackling students that cross his path. “We don’t know who he is, where he came from or what he’s going here,” said Patrick Murphy, the lead investigator. “But his tackling technique is flawless.”

Twilight of His Career. Wally Nafus from the rough.

EXETER, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Wally Nafus, the long drive king at Fox Hill Country Club in Exeter, Pennsylvania, is a nine time club champ dating back to 1973. He won his last title in 1987, but now at age 62, Nafus is forced to hit from the ladies’ tee.

“I’m three shoulder surgeries, two wrist surgeries and one knee replacement into this little movie they call life,” the barrel-chested 6’4’’ linkster quipped. “When I couldn’t hit the ball over Sissy Ridge (a landmark on the course) and the other guys in my foursome began laughing at me, I thought about giving the game up.”

Nafus didn’t give the game up.

A former marine and well known man’s man, Nafus announced to a packed crowd in the clubhouse he would begin hitting from the ladies’ tee. The room erupted with laughter, but soon died down after it was clear Nafus wasn’t joking. The awkwardness was palpable, the silence was deafening – broken only by the distinct sound of sixteen year old busboy Connor Yankovich dropping a relish tray.

“If Wally’s comfortable enough with his own sexuality to hit from the girly markers, then so am I,” said two time champ Charlie Kretchmer. “I’ve shaved four shots off my score and the tees are in pristine condition. Granted, sometimes I have to wait for Martha Sincavage and her band of grey haired old hens to hit first, but I’m enjoying the overall experience. I can hardly wait to get into the club house nurse an apple-tini and the mini quiche.”

Melo Fellow. Carmelo Anthony dropped 41 on Heat, but was overshadowed by large mass.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Knicks rode a 41 point performance by Carmelo Anthony, staving off elimination and defeating the heavily favored Miami Heat on Sunday, pushing the series to a Game 5.

“We’re still alive!” said point guard Baron Davis.

Davis’ enthusiasm was quickly quelled when a large, grey, spongey mass rolled into the locker room seconds after the victory interfering with reporters questions, and players toweling off. The near 12 meter object was reported to give off the faint whiff of despair. 

“I’ve seen this before.” said Assistant Traveling Secretary, Brent Goldman. “We believe it’s a cyst, a clubhouse cancer if you will, an amalgam of hurt feelings, bitterness, shattered dreams, contract disputes, and poor shotmaking decisions. Eventually the body reacts, and that’s what we have here. Amar’e Stoudemire confused the cyst for team owner, James Dolan.”

Handy Guy. Amar'e Stoudemire's hand could have been eBay bound.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Once the grizzly circumstances surrounding Amar’e Stoudemire’s dangling hand came to light, the New York Knicks superstar said if the hand couldn’t be saved he was prepared to auction it off on eBay®.

“It’s a perfectly good hand, suitable for framing or a lovely coffee table conversation piece. As you can see, I had a contingency plan if I was going to lose the hand. I figured why not make a buck. The upshot is I can still play some one handed piano pieces.”

The Knicks are down 0-3 in the playoffs to the heavily favored Miami Heat. After game two, an enraged Stoudemire smashed the glass door containing a fire extinguisher and severely injured his hand which required several stitches.

“Damn thing looked like pastrami coming out of the slicer at Katz’s Deli®.” said teammate Baron Davis. “Truth is, I was kinda hungry at the time, and it looked good. I like my pastrami rare and all drippy and shit.”

Stoudemire claimed his opening bid would have been $49.96, adding, “I appreciate our challenged economy and didn’t want to be a chazer.”

Where There's a Will, There's a Way. A way for an obsessed sociopath to track his every move that is.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though he hasn’t had a Major League at bat since 2000, one Will Clark fan apparently refuses to stop cheering. Milton Charles Block, 54, of Mill Valley, California has worshiped the former Giants slugger from afar for years. Now, Block often follows the man they called “The Thrill” to his current place of employment, Valley Nissan.

Clark is Vice President and part owner of the dealership and Block has been seen repeatedly cheering Clark for such acts as approving rebates, observing undercoat application, and “putting a family of four behind the wheel of something sensible today.”

“Will is a five tool Vice President,” said Block, gazing admiringly behind his taped together horn rimmed spectacles strategically positioned in the seat of this 1989 Chrysler LeBaron. “I like to watch him. The grace, that magnificent handshake, the whole story arc just makes me damp.”

Block is under observation by the Marin County Police Department.

A Long, Strange Trip: Members of the San Diego Padres (and their entourage) performing “unorthodox” pre-game calisthenics during the summer of 2000.

NEW YORK, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If the vintage Hendrix and Airplane blaring from boom boxes weren’t enough of a tip-off, players staring for hours at belly button lint or a solitary sunflower seed should have set off alarms. A recently added addendum to the Mitchell report, which was originally issued in 2007,  includes testimony describing a two month stretch in 2000 when a number of HGH (human growth hormone)  users got a lot more than they bargained for.

“Let’s just say it gave entirely new meaning to round trippers,” said a member of the Mitchell committee. “Fortunately the freak-outs were confined to the locker room area. Baseball officials will tell you that no one knew about HGH use, but around this time an unofficial memo was circulated providing instructions on how to bring players down off the proverbial ledge: slap on some Yes, preferably side one from Close to the Edge, give them a warm glass of chocolate milk, and read random passages from childrens’ books in a non-threatening manner.” (In one instance, a practical joker read from William Burroughs’ drug-fueled novel, “Naked Lunch”; two days later the player quit baseball and for the past seven years has been practicing the pan flute from his one room flat in Marrakech.)

According to the addendum, there were numerous “Haight-Ashbury moments” during the Summer of 2000.

“Players and officials reported a dramatic spike in fraternization between players from opposing teams. The fraternization was not only more frequent and involved more players, it took overly familiar, sometimes odd forms: lingering group hugs, players sitting in a semi-circle on the outfield grass, their palms upturned and eyes closed. The back-slapping and what is commonly referred to as “playful ball-busting” was nowhere evident, as players communed telepathically via long stretches of meaningful pre-game silence.“ (“The Mitchell Report,” Addendum 6, page 18.)

The report was silent on whether the bad HGH caused any drop-off in play, though it did cite several suspicious incidents and behaviors that are only understandable within the context of unwitting hallucinogen use, i.e., an Orioles centerfielder who took the field in leather pants (ala Jim Morrison) and a Red Sox pitcher who answered only to the name “Dock Ellis.” Sometime around the fourth inning of a game between the Dodgers and Giants, team doctors in both clubhouses found themselves attending to an unusually large number of players – accounts as to the actual number vary — for violent stomach pain and hellish visions (i.e., a naked John Kruk in a come-hither pose). The game was stopped to allow the Giants PA announcer to warn that “the HGH that is circulating is not specifically too good. It’s suggested you do stay away from that.”

According to the report, the hallucinogens fostered an emerging anti-establishment culture that caused a growing rift between players and management.

“Players during this period were blatantly disrespectful of authority — managers, coaches and front-office personnel were openly disdained and ridiculed. During a Yankees team meeting, eight players showed up in Nixon masks, a slap at George Steinbrenner’s well-known association with the disgraced former president. Moreover, players began taking militant anti-establishment positions on everything from stadium security (for fomenting a fascistic playing environment) to the use of DDT (a controversial pesticide), which groundskeepers relied on to keep the grass lush and weevil-free. One player upended an after-game deli spread, calling for an end to animal butchery…though he changed his tune when a teammate persuaded him to try the lean corned beef flown in from NY’s fabled Carnegie Deli. ” (“The Mitchell Report,” Addendum 6, page 21.)

The Mitchell Report did point to one positive side-effect: “A number of marginal players actually benefited from the insights that often accompany an intense acid trip. One claimed to see Jesus in a slice of white bread and went on to enjoy a fulfilling second career in China as a missionary. Another saw angels explode from a 100 mile per hour fastball –  he was beaned before he could process the significance, but he has no regrets: ‘Hey, how many can claim to have played major league baseball for a year and a half – it was a trip and a half, which is at least a half trip more than most.’”

Still Hustlin’. Pete Rose had better get Charlie Hustle back to the Public Library of Cincinnati or else.

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just when Pete Rose thought he was could finally relax and enjoy what people in their late 60’s enjoy, a letter sent return receipt arrived at the hit king’s home on Saturday with a price tag attached to it. In his playing days, Rose liked showing up at Cincinnati area libraries to borrow books on baseball – especially books written by himself.

Now he owes the Public Library of Cincinnati $7,863.57 in late fees. He took out the book he penned in 1975 called Charlie Hustleon November 19th of that year and still hasn’t returned it.

“He seemed like a fine young man,” said 83 year old Loretta Hayes, who was the head librarian at the time, and now a volunteer who helps out on Saturdays. “He may have been a bit brash, but seemed like the kind of fellow who would return a book on time. Years passed and presidents came and went, and still the book wasn’t returned. My husband Walter died in 1988 and my second husband Leonard two years after that. Time just sort of marched on, and still, no book. I figured by 1993 or so, he probably wasn’t going to return it, so I finally broke down and ordered us a new one.”

Rose doesn’t recall ever borrowing the book.

“With all due respect to the Public Library and Mrs. Hayes, I just don’t have the thing,” said the seventeen time all-star. “I never borrowed the book in the first place. I’m innocent.”

But the evidence against Rose is clear. The library card he signed on November 19, 1975 with the same familiar signature that graces thousands of baseballs, photos and betting slips is proof enough.

Hayes went on to describe the profound disappointment on children’s faces when they wanted to borrow the book but were told Rose hadn’t returned it.

“I’d say some of those kids were simply devastated,” added the grey haired octogenarian. “The question I kept getting was ‘why didn’t Rose have his own copy if he actually wrote it?’ I had no idea. Well, those kids grew up and had kids, and then they wanted to borrow the book, and it still wasn’t here. It’s too bad too, because Charlie Hustle is a wonderful document of the Reds’ 1974 season. I was particularly enthralled with Rose’s spellbinding narrative of the enormity of George Foster’s penis.”

Nickel For Your Thoughts. Lions fans are probably thinking a lot about this selection.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Detroit Lions have certainly improved over the past couple of seasons, which has a catch 22 effect, their selection position in the 2012 NFL Draft.

“We wanted to something to send a ripple effect throughout the entire league,” said Lions General Manager Martin Mayhew. “Granted, it’s a bit unorthodox, but people will remember us for this. Personally, I think it will define my legacy.”

With the 23rd pick in the draft, the Lions selected Canadian rock group, Nickelback.

“It’s a position we desperately seek, and it’s a four for one deal,” said Detroit’s Head Coach Jim Schwartz. “Admittedly, none of these guys have played professional football before and they’re all in their mid to late thirties, but at the very least if they stack their walls of Marshall guitar amps in just the right place, they can cause some temporary although extremely painful ear discomfort to the opposition. Especially if they play anything off their All the Right Reasons CD – which I personally found derivative and lacking in any social conscience. So I guess that’s something.”

“How do I feel?” said the group’s lead vocalist and co-lead guitarist Chad Kroeger. “Scared shitless. I mean, I’m in decent enough shape and all, but trying to defend against the pass on third and long, I’m gonna get exposed.”

Another upside to the selection is the Lions will be the first team in NFL history to have a built in halftime entertainment program, barring serious injuries.

One Big Fat Greek Reporter. Takis Mihopoulos follows Brewers catcher Kottarras. And that's it.

MILWAUKEE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Unlike the throngs of Japanese reporters who’ve followed Ichiro Suzuki during his entire time in Seattle, Milwaukee Brewers’ catcher, George Kottaras has only one countryman to answer to, Takis Mihopoulos.

“Baseball isn’t exactly thriving in Greece.” Kottarras said. “So, the Hellenic Media Service sent one guy to follow me.”

Mihopoulos reports Kottaras’ exploits back to Greece for Greeks interested in the light-hitting catcher’s performances and recipes for Baklava.

“It kinda bums me out.” the Canadian born backstop of Greek heritage, chimed. “Ichiro’s got an entire corps of media following his every move. Meanwhile, I’m pounding Ouzo shots with this bozo. No offense. Granted, Ichiro’s lifetime batting average is over 100 points higher than mine, but why quibble?”

Kottarras is one of a handful of Greek players in the majors, which includes Kansas City Royals third baseman, Mike Moustakas and Baltimore Orioles outfielder, Nick Markakis.

“Sad thing is, we used to be associated with sports.” added Kottarras. “We invented the freekin’ Olympics, now we’ve just got a lot of overpaid announcers mispronouncing our names.”

Should Greece default on it’s debt, Mihopoulos will be forced to take up residence in Kottarras’ locker.

Doggin' It! Cardiac patients need to cross this little lovely off their list. But vendor Phil Ferraro says, “Relax. Take a bite.”

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The Dodger Dog – a simple frankfurter in a bun that is widely regarded as the very best in major league baseball, is as much a piece of Los Angeles Dodgers history as a Maury Wills stolen base or a Sandy Koufax strikeout. Hot dog vendor Phil Ferraro has been working the field box level at Dodger Stadium since the early seventies. He estimates he’s personally sold over nine-hundred thousand Dodger Dogs and is quickly approaching the one million mark. “That’s a helluva lotta cholesterol,” the fifty-nine year old wiener jockey said. “I look at these people on the aisle ordering three dogs for the fat guy in seat 12 and think to myself, ‘this poor bastard’s gonna be dead before the fifth inning.’ But as much as it pains me to contribute to their inevitable heart disease, I do derive a guilty pleasure from seeing their faces light up when they take that first bite – the mustard, relish and dog juice dripping down their double chins. ”

Phil Ferraro has drawn the ire of a Los Angeles based special interest group, Death Dogs, who call him the most visible proponent of heart disease mongering. “He’s impossible not to spot,” says Marsha Williams, Death Dogs’ Communications Director. “It all seems so innocent – wearing his Groucho Marx plastic big nose, moustache, and glasses and that water squirting flower on his lapel stalking the rows and rows of the great unwashed who want only to enjoy a Brad Penny pitching performance or maybe grab a foul ball. But then he fans the aroma of his wiennies in their direction calling out ‘hot dogs, get yer hot dogs here’ and then it starts ‘we’ll take two, let’s have five here.’ Oh, you can just hear the ca-ching ca-ching of the cash register mixed with a chorus of heart monitors as their arteries clog up like the shower drain at a Motel 6.”

Though apparently extremely delicious, a steady diet of Dodger Dogs can reduce the healthiest person to a lethargic, overweight cardiac patient waiting to happen. And in fashionable LA, a haven for the health conscious, the increase in death from heart attacks is increasing. But should Phil Ferraro be blamed for this trend? Consider each ten inch frankfurter has eight-hundred and sixty milligrams of sodium, forty-five milligrams of cholesterol, and eight grams of saturated fat. Still, so popular is this ballpark favorite that it’s even available at other Southern California locations and in most supermarkets – far away from Ferraro’s influence.

Dr. Frank Hall, a cardiologist in Riverside, California occasionally makes the trek to Chavez Ravine to see his beloved boys in blue and even partakes in an occasional Dodger Dog. “I’ve done studies,” the forty-eight year old Hall said. “I’ve come to the conclusion that a hot dog can significantly expedite the onset of severe cardio-vascular disease and Type Two Diabetes. That said, ‘Hey Phil, I’ll take two with onions, kraut, and mustard.’”

Cheerleaders demonstrate core strength and pulse-racing athleticism.

PHOENIX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A recent debate at a leading site devoted to college athletics and the law, centered on whether competitive cheerleading is an official sport that colleges ought to be able to use to meet gender-equity requirements.  The debate prompted nationally renowned cheerleader coach Sparkles Botwinick to weigh in with her opinion on the matter.

“Not a sport my ass,” snorted Botwinick, still a petite dynamo at 47 years old. “Cheerleading at the highest levels requires athleticism, conditioning, and the ability to execute under pressure.  You try doing a  2½ high pyramid into a twisting basket toss with 25,000 frothing at the mouth maniacs trying to get a peek under your skirt, then tell me it’s not a sport.”

During the interview, Botwinick was putting a class of grimly determined 14-16 year olds through their paces. Botwinick runs an academy where cheerleaders from around the nation submit to two weeks of drills, training and competition  – all under the withering, all-seeing gaze of their demanding task-master.

“I can’t hear you, Menendez,” Botwinick bellowed, trying to bully more volume from 14 year old Betsy Menendez, a rail-thin sprite from Saddlebrook, New Jersey.
“Give me an A…!” shouted Menendez.
“Louder!” shouted Botwinick.
“Give me an A…!!” shouted Menendez.
“Louder!!!” shouted Botwinick.
Give me an A…!!!!!”  Menendez started to cough, unable to sustain the strain on her vocal chords.
“Ten laps Menendez. Duff, go in for Menendez. Girls, if you think you can get by on tits and ass you’re going to get your dicks handed to you. You’ve got to show ‘em you got balls!”

Botwinick shared several stories illustrating the ferocity of the competition at the upper echelons of “the sport.”

“Some of these girls will stop at nothing to beat a rival squad.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. When I was head cheerleader on my high school squad, I did some awful, awful things. What was the absolute worst thing I did? Well, I don’t know if it’s the worst, but giving head to the boyfriend of a rival head cheerleader days before the competition was always very effective.”

Botwinick insists that cheerleading is every bit a sport — arguably more so –  as  ”bowling, golf and synchronized swimming.”

“You’re telling me that crap’s a sport? Please.  Hit a five iron with music pounding and strobe lights in your face, or try rolling a bowling ball coming out of a full pyramid, then talk to me.  Competitive cheerleading not a sport? I have one thing to say to that…girls, give me a F! Give me a U!…”

Thome or Not Thome? That is what's confusing everyone.

SAN DIEGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Future Hall of Famer Jim Thome, who’s thrilled fans with over 600 Major League home runs, is struggling mightily so far this season and many people believe his career is through – including the Phillies. Thome apparently believes he’s still on the Phillies. The team told him his services are no longer required, but the aging slugger continues to suit up for games and managed to force himself into the lineup Sunday afternoon in a 6-1 loss where he committed an error and struck out twice. 

“Um, yeah…uh, well, we’re trying to address that situation.” Phillies General Manager, Ruben Amaro Jr told a sparse press corps. “We’ve tried telling him. We’ve tried changing the locks in the training room. We’ve even stopped paying him, but still he shows up. Now, that’s either full blown denial or the greatest goddamn work ethic I’ve ever seen.”

Teammates don’t know how to handle it.

“There’s no precedent for something like this.” said teammate Jimmy Rollins. “There’s an audible groan when Thome walks into the locker room. He buttons up his uniform jersey looking confidently into the mirror with that country boy smile of his as we stand there awkwardly thinking of something to say. It’s a tad cringe inducing. I know the team is trying to figure out how to handle it.”

“We’re thinking of petitioning the league to rearrange our schedule and not telling him.” added Amaro Jr. “It that doesn’t work, poisoning his food is an option.”

The Phillies begin a three game series with the Arizona Diamondbacks Monday night. Thome followed the team bus in his SUV.

National Tragedy. Skipper Davey Johnson fields questions after walk off loss.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Houston Astros scored 5 runs in both the first and sixth innings Thursday night capping an 11-4 victory over the host Washington Nationals.

The Nationals missed scoring opportunities leaving nine men on base.

“We really sustained a level of ineptitude that kept our opponents in complete control,” said Nats manager Davey Johnson. “I’m glad we were able to give our fans a nice walk off loss.”

“I love being a fan of this team,” said Parker Vogel of Silver Spring, Maryland. “We’ve come to expect this kind of thing over the years. It’s nice to have the consistency.”

“I was a little worried we might rally and possibly explode for a barrage of runs going into the ninth,” said Don Hagen of Lorton, Virginia. “But then our guys tucked their heads in their asses, and voila…they assured us the loss. My family left the park with a deep depression that hovered over the metro for the entire ride home. I mean, why build the hopes of young children, when you can dash them with half the effort?”

Father of the Year? Cro's kid makes debut in very strange way.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Jets cornerback, Antonio Cromartie made the headlines this week when news broke that he fathered ten children with eight different women in six states.

“The news was certainly stunning and puts Antonio in the unenviable position to be responsible to a whole lot of people over a wide expanse of land.” said Jets spokesperson Melvin Hobbs.

As unusual as Antonio Cromartie’s story may be, another Cromartie may have one upped him. Former Montreal Expos outfielder Warren Cromartie apparently fathered one child with seven different women in a twelve block area.

“It’s true.” said Dr. Spiros Papadopoulos, who was enjoying a cup of coffee at the maternity ward at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Miami. “It’s the first time I’ve seen a kid born in parts. One woman gave birth to an arm, another a leg, still another a torso, and so on. Now we’ve got a full kid and he’s surprising got his shit together.”

Warren Cromartie, known as “Cro,” has been a regular on South Florida radio for years, and was stunned when he learned the news.

“Search me Homies.” the author of over 1,100 major league hits quipped. “This thing gives a whole new meaning to postpartum depression.”

Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Roger Bernadina.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.”

Mendoza, a sensitive man, doesn’t like being reminded of the famous “line” he created some thirty-five years ago.

“How does it feel? It fuckin’ blows!” seethed the 60 year old former Pirate, Mariner and Ranger. “I’d like to buy a gun a shoot these freekin’ kids, but I can’t hit anything more than three feet away.”