Players Go Through Motions as they Embrace the Inevitability of a Kobe-LeBron Matchup
CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Fans are not the only ones looking forward to a clash for the ages. Players are also eager to watch two of the NBA’s transcendent players meet in the finals, reminiscent of the days of Magic and Bird and their epic contests. But not all NBA players itching to see Kobe and LeBron battle are sipping pina coladas from a wind-swept suite somewhere in the Caribbean – many are actually still playing on the rosters of active playoff teams, giving at least token resistance to the Lakers and the Cavaliers as they continue their inexorable march toward the Finals.
“Hey, I love being out there competing as much as the next guy, but let’s face it – we be lucky if we get out the first round,” said an unnamed member of the Miami Heat. “And while guys may be talkin’ smack or making nice in the papers, ain’t no one gonna be stopping Kobe and LeBron. Which is basically cool by me and with just about everyone I know around the league – it’s gonna be epic, baby. Kobe and ‘Bron, ‘Bron and Kobe. Let’s just get this shit out of the way fast as possible, make sure no one get hurt…and get it on! ASAP, baby!” The unnamed Heat player profusely apologized for prolonging the inevitable by squeaking out a Game Two win to even the series with the Hawks at one apiece.
“Exactly,” echoed a member of the Dallas Mavericks’ second team. “No one, least of all me, wants to see a Lakers-Celtics or Cavs-Spurs series — as if. We just got a couple of issues with the Spurs, and we might piss off some of the guys around the league by winning a game, maybe two, but trust me, we want to see a Kobe-LeBron Final as much as anyone. The sooner the better.”
While this appears to be the prevailing view around the league, it’s by no means shared by every player still competing. When asked for his reaction to these sentiments, the injured and reliably excitable Kevin Garnett forgot all about his balky knee and had to be subdued by four members of the Celtics staff, with an assist from a rifle loaded with anaestha-darts for just such occasions.
The much-anticipated Kobe-LeBron matchup has prompted conspiracy theorists to believe the League office is doing everything within its considerable power to see that it comes to fruition.
“My credentials as a conspiracy theorist are impeccable, as anyone who’s seen me late at night working in my garage would tell you,” said Arnold Fink, a 52-year old out-of-work engineer from Newton, Mass. “But this is one instance where I’d give the League a pass. Not that Stern and his henchman are sitting this one out – I’m sure they’re up to something. If they’re not, I want to know why – it’s the match up everyone wants. If it comes to pass, I’ll personally send Stern a thank you – and the dossier proving once and for all his involvement in the Knicks landing Ewing in the 1985 lottery. At some point you’ve got to let bygones be bygones.”