Professional Wrestler Suspended for Using Foreigner Instead of Foreign Object in the Ring

You Wanna Complain? Arnold "The Chronic Complainer" Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

You Wanna Complain? Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz freezes his opponents with his endless whining.

OMAHA, NE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Arnold “The Chronic Complainer” Lefkowicz, a star wrestler in the fledgling Heartland Professional Wrestling Association (HPWA) was suspended for violating league rules last weekend by using a foreign object in his match against the Gargler. It was later discovered that the foreign object was actually a foreigner named Stavros Plakokefalos of Korinthos, Greece who was visiting his brother, Dimitrios, owner of the Olympia Diner on Omaha’s south side.

“I was watching the match with my brother,” said the 58 year old diner owner. “When suddenly the Chronic Complainer came out of the ring and heaved my brother on top of the Gargler. I think my brother sprained his thumb, which is a shame, because he uses his thumb a lot.”

The HPWA is known for creating inventive scenarios for their wrestlers; often bestowing unusual and even humorous powers upon them. The Chronic Complainer for example will regularly stop in mid-match to psych his opponents out by complaining about his first marriage to Edna Finster. The confused opponents are often caught off guard, leaving them open to unexpected body slams.

The Gargler is notorious for rinsing his mouth in the middle of the ring with a variety of fluids from gasoline and liquified garlic to the Blue Plate Special at Jasper’s Cafe in an attempt to nauseate his foes.

The match between the Chronic Complainer and the Gargler was highly anticipated for weeks. Now the suspension of the Chronic Complainer only heightens the drama and sets up a rematch.

“We’re not sure what old CC has in mind,” said HPWA President, Horace McNamara. “But we hope he goes the distance next time and only resorts to bringing legal things into the ring – like pitchforks and the guy who sells pencils in front of Hurley’s Drug Store.”

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